


so needless to say, i'm odds and ends

by Ironwingedhawk



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Bullying, But also, Child Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Theatre Kids, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Major Character Undeath, Multi, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Season/Series 05, Pre-Season/Series 01, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Theatre, True Love, or to sum it up eliot's childhood, this might hurt, y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 88,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25034053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironwingedhawk/pseuds/Ironwingedhawk
Summary: There was no way, Eliot would ignore this last chance to bring Q back. Even if it meant going back to a time of his life he hated more than anything else.
Relationships: Fen/Margo Hanson/Josh Hoberman, Margo Hanson & Eliot Waugh, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Comments: 165
Kudos: 172





	1. The Savage Land

**Author's Note:**

> The title is obviously from Take on Me by ̶t̶̶h̶̶e̶̶ ̶̶m̶̶a̶̶g̶̶i̶̶c̶̶i̶̶a̶̶n̶̶s̶̶ ̶̶c̶̶a̶̶s̶̶t̶ Aha, specifiacally they are El's first solo lines in -the- scene.  
> It's not a classic High School Au. It's El's High School time but with Q there. Sadly, that means very little of the other characters and I apologize especially to Julia, Margo and my Knife Wife Fen.
> 
> That being said, it also means we'll see lots of canonical homophobia, violence and abuse. There's lots of sad boi hours. The tone is overall a bit melancholic (in the beginning) and there'll be parts that deal with depression and suicide.  
> SO MIND THE CHAPTER WARNINGS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Candace got me into Magicians and I'm sueing for emotional damages. But I'll also fullfill my responsibility to the fandom and write a fix it fic. But I also wanted to write a High School fic, so I did what anyone who's completely incapable of making decisions would do and did both.  
> This fic takes palce after Season 5 because while I hate the bullshit queerbaiting and what they did to Q, I kinda like some Season 5 eps. A lot even.
> 
> What I HATE is the series finale, because it's okay for everyone except for El and it's SO EASY TO FIX. SO EASY THAT I CAN FIX IT WITH THE FOLLOWING FUCKING SENTENCE:  
> "El stood in the middle of the fucking symbol along with Fen." (BECAUSE THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT HE CAN'T CAST (AND LET'S IGNORE THAT THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HIS HANDS BEING HURT WAS FOR THAT-))  
> *clears throat* Anyway-  
> SHOULD WE REALLY BELIEVE MARGO WOULD JUST CHILL WITHOUT HIM AND HE'D CHILL WITHOUT MARGO?!  
> *clears throat again*
> 
> So yeah. That's what I changed.
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Mentioned canonical Rape (Reynard and Julia)  
> If you wanna skip these: Stop reading after: “An Old God? Yes.” And continue with “My name is Eliot Waugh. But I think, you already know that.” AND stop reading at : “A test to prove your love.” and continue after: “What does this test look like?”
> 
> \- Besides that, it's Sad boi hours and dark themes

This Fillory had three moons.

It was one of the few things Eliot had noticed to be different, no one really had an explanation for it. The wellspring had been a collective effort. Obviously. The knife trees had been Fen's doing. The pizza ovens Josh's. Alice was responsible for the three suns. She had admitted that much. Margo had formed most of the landmass. Eliot had been the one to make some springs produce lube, and some flowers to bloom into tiny champagne glasses, filling when they ripened. Because, why not? Besides, he had also given the land fertile soil and clean water, so he didn't feel too bad for his other ideas.

Maybe the responsibility that had come with creating a world had been to much for immature assholes like them though.

Eliot looked at the other four, as they were sitting by the fire. This Fillory was a wild land. At the same time it wasn't. 

It wasn't wild because there were no people around here. 

It was wild, because there was no sign of civilisation whatsoever. The only buildings were the basic hideouts, Margo and Alice had build for the five of them. They were made of sticks, leaves and magic. It wasn't glamorous. But for once neither Margo nor Eliot really cared about that.

The five of them had spend the previous week or so debating over what this world should be like now. How it should be build, how it should be ruled.

There was no real plan yet. Fen and Josh weren't dominant people by nature. Eliot considered himself that but had decided to limit his influence on the discussion to veto on other plans instead of coming up with own ideas. That left Alice and Margo. And that was the problem.

By nature El was on Bambi's side. Not just because she was, well his Bambi, but because she knew Fillory better than Alice. But sometimes it was hard to argue with Alice's logic.

It was all exhausting and it was one of the reasons Eliot liked to just lay on his back and watch the moons, sometimes with a cigarette, a joint or a glass of wine, sometimes just with his thoughts.

It was strange though. There were no insects and no birds. The world was silent, except for the wind, the waves and the five idiots by the fire.

At times like this, Eliot thought about the other thing he had created here. Or at least, the thing he had hoped to have created.

It had been his last chance. His last chance to get Quentin back without fucking up their timeline, which was pretty fucked up already. He’d done more research than he had ever done at Brakebills. His grades had always been good enough without effort. Magic came from pain and Eliot has always had plenty of that. He’s always been a natural at it. If he hadn’t rebuild his image at Brakebills and if he hadn’t met Margo, he’d have been bullied so hard. He was different from Alice that way. Alice put effort into her learning. She put effort into being the best and people knew that. People saw that. Eliot had never really put effort into studying. Not at Brakebills, not at university, not at school. The only effort he’d put into his tests was to show up mostly sober. Mostly. He was never the best of his classes but always high above average. People knew that too. And some were jealous. Some spread rumors about him and teachers. And for them, it fit well in the picture that he and Margo had always been some of Foggs favorite students. It didn’t bother Eliot, because he’s had worse. He’s had so much worse.

And because he had his Bambi. No matter what.

The days before they’d created the new Fillory however, Eliot felt like he had more than made up for his previous lack of studying. He’d raided the library of Brakebills and he’d asked  _ the library _ . He’d never stated his intentions to anyone though. Eliot had been careful to always remain vague.

_ “Is it possible, that I could borrow something about Fillorian religious culture?” _

_ “Do you happen to have any books on Old Gods? I know, that they might be in the poison room, but haven’t my friends and I deserved it for what we have done for you? And we will need it for the creation of our new world, so-” _

Surprisingly the excuse, that you had to create a new world worked very well. Eliot doubted that he would have had the success in gaining the knowledge he’d needed if he’d lead with:  _ “I need a book on how to get my- my friend back.” _

Wishing for a drink or a cigarette, Eliot looked at the closest of the three moons, wondering if she knew that he had destroyed her counterpart on earth. Once. He sighed and closed his eyes. He’d managed to look more and more collected on the outside, since the night Quentin- since the night, he woke up in the infirmary finally free of the monster. But inside, he was still a mess. He was used to being just that. He has been a mess for so long and Eliot had managed to cover it up well enough so far. He’d stopped being a mess briefly, sometime after being crowned king, after getting his quest. Then the monster happened and just like that, things were back at status quo. 

He allowed himself a few moments of self loathing and pity, before he opened his eyes again. The moons were still there. The monster wasn’t. Eliot swallowed and sighed, so loud that he was worried he might have alarmed the others. A quick glance sideways ensured him he hadn’t. Apparently Alice had gone to bed during the last few minutes. It was just Margo, Josh and Fen sitting close and laughing. 

There had been a time, when it would have been Eliot by Margo’s side. There had been a time when it couldn’t have been anyone  _ but _ him.

But that had changed and Eliot was alright with that. For the most part at least. He knew, that Margo was happy and that was what mattered to him. But seeing Margo, Fen and Josh in their happy polygamous bliss was impossible without memories of Quentin coming up. It was as if he had them locked up in some part of his brain and every time, he saw Margo kiss Fen or flirt with Josh, the door opened and pain flooded out.

Jealousy was an ugly emotion but it wasn’t new to Eliot. He’d only been jealous once before. Of Q and Alice. That had been rough.

He looked at his hands and flexed them. And just at that moment he thought that he was ready. That he was ready to chase after that last glimpse of hope, that was left. He needed to stop worrying about the consequences. He needed to stop worrying about what he’d do if even that flicker of hope was brutally snuffed out. 

Eliot was familiar with the way he was feeling right now. It was the feeling, he’s had before he’d married Fen. It was the realisation that he wanted change. That he needed change, because otherwise he’d break.

Eliot looked at Margo, Josh and Fen. They were at least looking more and more tired. But he had to wait for them to go to sleep. Otherwise, Margo would try to convince him to let it be. 

_ When it’s be brave or be smart- You know which one, okay? _

He knew. But Eliot could twist the words however he wanted. Was it brave to attempt to save Q? And was it smart to stay here and forget about him? Or was it brave to stay here and accept things the way they were, just like Alice? And was taking a chance to save Q and save himself the smart option? Especially knowing he would be miserable if he didn’t? Especially knowing, that he couldn’t be happy if he didn’t?”

He was being smart. None of the others would agree with that though.

Eliot had never been one to see the world the way most people did.

“El!”, Margo screamed at him, clearly a little drunk.

Lazily Eliot rolled over, so that he was facing them, acting as if he was at least as tired as his friends, “Bambi?”

“We are going to bed.”, she said and tossed some of the remaining champagne into the sea.

“Have fun.”, Eliot said and then decided to add, “And use condoms or we’ll grow this population earlier than we want to!”

Eliot closed his eyes again and let Margo’s snarky, Josh’s awkward and Fen’s enthusiastic replies roll over him. 

Once the three had disappeared in their improvised little hideout, Eliot walked down towards the beach and made his way up to where Alice was sleeping. He knelt down and snatched a piece of paper and a pen from her purse.

Of course, she had writing utensils on her. Eliot sighed and on a log by the burnt down fire, clicking the pen.

_ To my precious Bambi, Fen, Alice and Josh, _

_ first of all, I’m sorry. But I’m off on a quest. A quest, that might be mundane, a quest that might be dangerous, a quest that might not even be a quest. I don’t know but I’ll find out. I need to get Q back. I know all the reasons I shouldn’t. I know all the reasons, I can’t. But I know, that he’d be doing the same thing for me right now. _

_ I tried creating a way to communicate with the Old Gods while creating this world and I’ll search it to bargain. _

_ It’s not fair, that I will leave you in uncertainty here. I know that much. I know, I won’t be able to stop you from searching me, but I beg you to give me time at least. Give me a few days. More important than that, I beg you not to endanger yourself, if it should come to it.  _

_ I know, I’m an ass. _

_ But I need Q. _

_ To Josh, _

_ we barely know each other but you make Margo happy. And that makes you one of the most important people in the world to me. Keep doing that. If you hurt her, I’ll make you regret it. (And yes, she doesn’t need me to protect her but I still will) _

_ To Alice, _

_ we had a few rough patches, but I want you to know, that I value you. A lot. You are clever and strong. You saved my life after Q- You saved my life. _

_ And if I bring him back, I hope, we can figure things out.  _

_ To Fen, _

_ we were always odd together. I know that, but you are the best platonic wife a man could ask for. I wish I showed that more and I hope, that I’ll soon be able to prove that. You are strong and have evolved so much without losing yourself.  _

_ To my most precious Bambi, _

_ i know, that you are angry at me. I am an asshole. But I love Q and it’s tearing me apart. I intend to come back. This is not a suicide mission. It might be dangerous, but I intend to fight, so that I can come back to you. I know, how weak I am for all of this. I should know better than to cause you any worry. But I’d be miserable, if I wouldn’t be doing this. I need to use that chance, so that I can stop blaming myself. _

_ I love you and I hope you forgive me and won’t punch me in the face, when I come back. _

_ El. _

Eliot swallowed and set the pen aside. He pressed a kiss onto the part, he had written for Margo and placed the note in her shoes. Then, he walked towards a small pile of useful stuff, they had gathered, magically created or brought with them. He grabbed a flask, a backpack, and a few pieces of rope and some clothes.

There was enough food growing all over Fillory thanks to Josh, so at least he wouldn’t have to worry about that. And since the world was empty, it should also be a harmless and safe journey. 

Eliot still plucked one knife from a tree. Upon touching it, he realised it was a little easy to bend, so he plucked another one which seemed to be ripe and hard. It was hard to believe, that this was the actual life he was living and not some weird drug trip.

It was a good thing, that Eliot had slept in until two pm. He could probably walk the whole night without getting tired. Eliot sighed and let his eyes wander over the small camp, before he looked up at the moons once more. He had no idea how to navigate but he’d find the others with a spell eventually. The problem was, that he had no idea where he was actually going. When he had wished for a spot to contact the Old Gods from, he’d imagined it like a small shrine in front of mountains but he had no idea, where exactly that place was. Or if his wish had been fulfilled at all.

At least, his idea to imagine the shrine in front of a mountainside had been decent enough. It gave him a vague direction. There were a bunch of mountains, Margo had spotted two days earlier from the beach. One of the mountains may or may not look like a dick. You had to look a little closer than you had to in Loria but still. A dick. Eliot wondered, who was to blame for that. For once, it wasn’t him. He moved his fingers and summoned a small flame in his palm. The three moons and the beautiful stars helped against the darkness of the night but the small light in his hand still made Eliot feel more confident.

Besides that, he liked the occasional reminder that he was indeed a Magician. There was something about lighting your cigarette just with your hands that did wonders to his ego. Especially, since he rarely smoked these day.

There was also a much more complex and darker reason for the comfort magic gave him but Eliot wasn't going to go there. Not now anyway. 

Instead of thinking about anything, he just took step after step into the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a few hours after dawn, when Eliot arrived at the foot of one of the mountains. It wasn't the dick shaped one, yet there was something about him that would be impossible on earth. Although Eliot couldn't say why that was.

On his way here he’d realised one thing though: This world was amazing. Pretty and colorful. It even beat the original Fillory. Every few steps, Eliot had caught himself thinking that this would be the perfect place for a little house. At each of these spots, memories of child laughter, the smell of peaches, plums and home made bread had filled his head along with the memories of warm hands against his skin and whispered words against his neck.

Pain.

Eliot had then, quickly continued walking until the memories caught up with him the next time. He’d expected this journey to be filled with self torturing bullshit but this had been more than he’d expected. Eliot turned around and looked over his shoulders. If the others casted a locator spell right after waking up, they would be here soon. He wasn’t sure, what he wanted. It would be comforting to have them here but at the same time, Eliot knew that they’d try to stop him.

He sighed and made his way around the hill in front of him. In his mind the shrine had been  _ in front  _ of some hill, so at least he wouldn’t have to climb it. Sure, he’d do that for Q but it was a lot less exhausting to just walk around and look.

All of the sudden, something pulled him to his left. It was a strange force. Eliot had felt that same pull, the day he first met Margo. And then the day, he went to Foggs office to get the card with Q’s name on it. Destiny or fate weren’t something, he believed in but it was probably what people would call it. But as Q had said, it was bullshit.

Ignoring the possibility that this was a trap, Eliot followed the invisible force, it led him the tiniest bit away from his path. Away from the hill and into a small forest. Well, it led him into a group of trees. There were barely enough to make it a forest, although Eliot had no idea what the official definition for that was. A small creek was gurgling somewhere to his right and Eliot figured it would come from somewhere in the mountains. If water followed the same logic, it followed on earth. 

Closing his eyes, Eliot took a deep breath. He loved the air around this new Fillory. Even without the Opium, it was amazing. It was clear and tasted like leaves and flowers and- peaches. Eliot froze and held his nose up a little in the wind. Peaches. It really smelled like peaches. He would have known if it had been like this the entire time. He would have known. For a moment, Eliot allowed himself to enjoy the memories. Q and him. The mosaic. The laughter of their son. Eliot just stood there for a few moments until the memories turned bittersweet. Until their paradise was tainted by the disgusting stains of reality.

The scent of peaches led him the same way, the pull was taking him. Or where they the same and Eliot hadn’t realised it before? Did it matter? He knew, that he was on the right way. This wasn’t just the smell coming from some peach tree somewhere. It was too intense for it. This was a calling.

He followed the scent and strange force through the group of trees and then, when he pushed some twigs aside to allow himself a good view of what was behind, Eliot saw it. The shrine. It was a very simple thing. Eliot hadn't tried to create something extravagant, although that would have been very much his style. But making it work had been more important. He’d settled for a shrine made of white stone, that reminded him of a greek altar. It looked as if it was glowing in the light of the rising sun. To the shrine's right was a small birch tree that was surrounded by flowers. So many flowers. Flowers in all the colors of the rainbow and in all possible shapes. Something about this place told you, that it wasn’t just special. It was holy. He had actually done it and created- A sanctuary. 

While the pull had stopped, the scent was overwhelming. No. More than that. It was stronger than any smell had the right to be. Smelling the air here felt even more intense than biting into a ripe peach. 

Eliot swallowed and walked forward, heading towards the shrine,"Q?"

It was dumb to ask. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But he did it anyway. And he even did it again, "Q?" It was incredible how hard it felt to say a single damn letter. A simple letter should not be capable of causing so many emotions. But it did.

When Eliot walked up towards the shrine, he felt as if time was moving slowly. It was like walking through quicksand. Or how one would expect walking through quicksand felt like.

As the shrine got closer, Eliot could see that it was standing on something that surely wasn’t grass. It was something entirely different. A mosaic. No, not a mosaic. It was the mosaic. The mosaic from his and Q’s timeline. Had he wished for that? He’d thought a lot about Q while he’d imagined the shrine. That must have been the reason.

Once he had reached the shrine, he knelt down. It was an action, he was sure many Fillorians would repeat in the future. But he was the first. He let out a shaky breath, his knee touching the cold stone, as he closed his eyes, “Q?”, he barely opened his mouth. The letter just flowed out,as if it was the most natural thing in the world. As if that letter only existed for Eliot to speak it. “Q?”, he spoke the letter again and this time, Eliot said Quentins name like a prayer.

“No.”, the voice was neither female nor male, neither clear nor rapsy and neither loud nor quiet. It was like a computer voice but without sounding unnatural. Eliot opened up his eyes and looked up. He saw nothing. But he felt- he felt- a presence. It reminded him of Plover’s house but more intense and certainly less evil. The air didn’t smell like peaches anymore. It smelled like something Eliot couldn’t name. Like something, Eliot couldn’t even comprehend. It was nice though. Not the kind of smell you’d want to bottle up but not unpleasant.

Eliot swallowed and tried to figure out an appropriate way to start this conversation. He hadn’t believed that is plan would actually work. He was only realising that now, because otherwise, he’d have words ready. Over the time, he’d learnt to use words. Use his charme. He’d formed them into a weapon. It had always been his thing. Eliot who could talk people into doing what he wanted from them. Always close to Margo, who could intimate people into doing what she wanted from them. If one of them didn’t succeed the other certainly would. But that was back, when life had been easy. Before monsters and beasts became a thing. Before Fillory was more than a children’s story and before Quentin Coldwater had stepped into their lives.    
Right now, Eliot couldn’t even say something snarky or dryly humorous, because this was neither the place nor the time.

“Are you-”

“An Old God? Yes.”

Eliot thought about what had happened to Julia. Who thought that she had betrusted herself to a Goddess but had instead invited a monster into her world. Could he trust this voice? Did he have an option?

“My name is Eliot Waugh. But I think, you already know that.”

“I have known that for years and centuries.”

There was a lot to unpack in that single sentence and it opened up room for so many questions but Eliot had no intention to ask them. There was one question he had wanted to ask since coming here and he should better get it over with. Somewhere Margo was waiting- or searching. Either way, she was probably worrying about him. And she was more likely angry as fuck.

“Then you know, why I’m here?”

“For the romantic love of your life.”

Eliot almost choked. Again: A lot to unpack. This time he allowed himself that. Q was the love of his life. It was one thing to believe that after a few shots or a few bottles of wine but it was another thing to hear it from an Old God. From someone, who must know everything. Someone, who must know the truth. Then, there was the addition of the word romantic and it made him think of Margo. Was it possible to have more than one love-s of your life? It was stupid question to ask himself, when he already knew the answer. Yes. But putting that aside. Q was the love of his life. The fucking-

“Yes.”, he just said it. It felt easier than trying to figure out an answer that was more complicated but would mean the same in the grand scheme of things, “Yes.”

“And why should I make an exception from the way things have always been?”

“I created this place of worship. For you. I helped create this world.”, Eliot said without pausing, so that he couldn’t realise how bratty he sounded. To his surprise, he remembered, what he’d said to Alice in front of the Plover Mansion. Despite being drunk as fuck. What a hypocrite he was. “Because what happened to him wasn’t fair. Because he turned us all into better people. I believe, that you are good. That you want the best for us. You should want more people like Q. And because- because I love him. And I learned one thing while researching Old Gods: That you like a good love story. That this is what entertains you. Q’s and mine isn’t over. It hasn’t even started.”

There was a long pause and the wait was straining but eventually the voice answered, “We are indeed interested in these stories. But there are thousands and millions of these stories every day.”

“None like ours.”, Eliot said.

“Human emotions are so complicated, that even we, can’t predict him. What if we help you and break a fundamental law of the universe and a week later, you betray him with some other human?”

Eliot shrugged defeated, but he wasn’t ready to give up, “That does sound like me- three years ago. Q and I work. We know that because of the mosaic- thing. I love him. I beg you.”

“A test.”, the voice said.   
Eliot bit his lip, before he could reply with a sarcastic, “A great. I love those.”, instead he just said, “What kind of test?”

“A test to prove your love.”, the voice said and for some reason it send a chill down Eliot’s spine this time. He was trying not to let images of raping tricksters into his head, but for a moment, he couldn’t help himself. He just hoped, that the Old God he was talking to wasn’t hearing his thoughts somehow. Otherwise this would be really awkward and would probably ruin all of his chances.

“What does this test look like?”

“It won’t help you. You won’t remember it anyway, once you are in.”

Eliot bit his lower lip, “Can I still know. Before I agree.”

“You will go back to what you consider your ‘own personally purgatory’.”

“High School.”

“High School. There you will meet Quentin. And we will test, how that changes your life. If you will still love each other.”

Eliot swallowed, the prospect of having to go back to school was easily as terrifying as everything he’s went through with his friends. But it was a chance. A chance to get Q back, “What if it doesn’t work out?”

“You will be stuck there.”

Again, Eliot thought about Margo. Be smart and not brave. Be smart and not brave. Be smart and not brave.

But Q had turned him brave. Turned him a hero. Q was his hero. There was only one thing he could do.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I discovered that I can somehow focus really well on writing while I'm in a zoom meeting for uni, which is weird on many levels. I mean it's different languages ffs. Idk. Anyway I'm almost 40k in this and I'd say I have about half of the 'plot' I planned written down.
> 
> I think, I'll post the second chapter in a few days or so. I hope, you guys enjoy this :)


	2. it's all dicks and daddy issues from here on out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> There's the mention of a SUICIDE ATTEMPT and in general a mention of Eliot's SUICIDAL TENDENCIES. So if you want to skip that, start skipping at: "Just another thing that made him a freak. Just another thing that set him apart from everyone else." until "Carefully, Eliot balanced over the gap and then pulled the plank back inside, hiding it behind his shelf. "  
> Besides that there's OFFENSIVE USE OF THE F-- WORD and CHILD ABUSE or to sum it up: Eliot's Dad.

Eliot Waugh was looking at the moon. It was some kind of night activity he had only started recently. To be more specific after his oldest brother had finally moved out. It had been one of the few positive things that had happened to Eliot recently. Or ever. First it had freed him of sharing a room with Jeff. A big win, considering that Jeff was a raging dick, just like his other brothers. The second win was, that Eliot had gotten the bedroom next to the barn. It was the smallest bedroom in the house, but that didn’t really bother him. There was plank, he had stored away behind his bookshelf and it was long and sturdy enough, that he could place it between his window and the roof of the barn and climb over.

And so, he spent almost every night laying on the roof of the barn looking at the moon. Space was fascinating. Not in a way, that Eliot wanted to know how exactly it worked or anything. It was just so- wide. So free. It felt like the opposite of where Eliot was. Stuck in this terrible town with terrible people, not sure, if he could ever get out. When he looked at the moon, he thought that people all across the world looked at the same damn rock in space every night. That maybe, places like Paris, Milan, Tokyo, London or New York weren’t that far away from fucking Indiana. Then, Eliot looked down and saw nothing but the empty roads and fields.This was his life. Every time, he dreamt about a life full of luxury and freedom, his reality came back to kick him in the stomach. 

He sighed and got up to his feet. It was time to sleep. School would start tomorrow. The only positive aspect about this was, that he was one year closer to graduation. The problem was that life wouldn’t just magically get better after this. Eliot wasn’t completely dumb, he may just be a sixteen year old boy but he knew enough about the world to be aware that it wasn’t a stupid fairytale. As soon, as he was done with school, his Dad would want him to work on the farm. Along with his brothers. Hell. Eliot had thought about running away before, he had never stopped thinking about running away. But he needed to wait for the right time. For the opportunity to snatch some money or find a place to stay. And if that opportunity wouldn’t come, he’d stay until he had turned eighteen. He saw no other option. Being homeless wasn’t something, he aspired to be. It was worlds away from the acting or fashion career he was dreaming of. 

But before that, he had to suffer through school. Hooray. 

Carefully, Eliot adjusted the plank and checked it for stability. Falling down from that height wasn’t that dangerous. He knew that from experience. Except, that he hadn’t fallen that day. He had jumped. It had been a weird night. To be more precise, it had been the night after he’d killed Logan. 

Eliot had spend the whole day talking to police officers and the school counselor.

_ “We know, you and Logan had issues.” _ No shit.

_ “But what happened can still be very hard. Even, if you weren’t close.”  _

It wasn’t like Eliot had cried. He hadn’t been sad. Instead, the bruises from the beating Logan had given him a few days earlier had started to burn. Like a reminder of his guilt. An echo of the past.  _ You killed him. You killed him. You killed him.  _

He had moved that bus. With his thoughts. He was special.

Special. Eliot had always hated that word. Other people used it as a compliment.

_ Oh, you are so special! _

He had always been special. Different. Whatever people called it. Eliot had never been like the others and he hated it. There was no way, he’d ever find a kindred soul. Not in a friend and certainly not in a boyfriend.

So Eliot hadn’t been surprised, when he had moved the bus that day. Just another thing that made him a freak. Just another thing that set him apart from everyone else. 

So that day, when Eliot had come back from school, he had climbed onto the barn and jumped. There had been an absurd mixture of motives behind it. He’d wanted to find out, if he could also fly. He wanted attention from his Mom. Maybe she’d hug him again. Maybe she’d cook soup for him again. Eliot had also figured that maybe he wouldn’t have to go to school again the next day. That he wouldn’t have to see the place, where he’d moved that bus. And most importantly, he hadn’t cared about what would happen to him. 

Break a leg? Sure. 

Break every bone in his body? Why not?

But the the truth was, Eliot didn’t fly that day. Actually, Eliot hadn’t been able to move anything without his hands since he killed Logan.

The result of the jump had been a sprained ankle and a beating from his father for being a “dumb brat”. It had been pretty harmless, compared to other insults his father had spewed Eliot’s way. It had also been harmless compared to other beatings, he had received.

At least Eliot hadn’t tried the jump again after that day. If he tried to kill himself again, he’d choose a more effective way. His father had more than enough guns to get the job done, if he  _ truly  _ felt like it.

Carefully, Eliot balanced over the gap and then pulled the plank back inside, hiding it behind his shelf. That spot was where he hid everything, no one could know about. Books and CD’s his parents didn’t approve off, a sewing set and a small folder with porn or to be more precise: with pictures of male underwear models he had cut out of catalogues.

The rest of his room was pretty much up to what his parents approved of. The old furniture from his brother’s room, a cleaned up floor and a wooden cross above his desk. There wasn’t much personality in his place, because this room didn’t truly belong to him. It belonged to a version of himself that could survive out here. If it was up to El, he would have put posters of musicals and hot guys up on his wall. He’d have colorful furniture, that wasn’t just functional but also looked cute. And he’d be able to sing and dance to all sorts of music on the radio.

With a sigh, Eliot slipped out of his pants and laid down on his bed. He was tired and actually wanted to sleep. No, he wasn’t just tired, he was barely able to keep his eyes open. But sleeping now would mean that it would be time for school after waking up. That was just a bummer. 

But what choice did he really have?

He closed his eyes and dared to imagine. He imagined himself with friends, a boyfriend. A happy life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Get up, loser.”

Eliot groaned and flipped Rafael off, before turning around. Rafael was the closest to him in age but that didn’t mean, they were close. The Waugh boys were all the same. Sturdy build, tan and rough around the edges. Well, three of the four Waugh boys were the same. Not Eliot. He was the youngest, he was tall, slender and pale with softer features than his brothers and his parents. He always stuck out and therefore no one in his family was really close to him. There was a time, when he had been convinced, that he was adopted but if he was, his father would have rubbed it in a long time ago.

Years ago Eliot had overheard his father yell at his mother. It had been after she’d walked in on him jerking off to gay porn he used to watch on the family computer. 

His mother had cried and his father had yelled at Eliot and slapped him across the face, so hard it left a bruise.

And then, that night he overheard their fight. His father had yelled, saying that Eliot couldn’t possibly be his. That he couldn’t be a Waugh. And he wanted to know, who the father was, so that he could “take that fag back”. Eliot’s mother had insisted, that Eliot was his father’s and eventually they’d stopped fighting.

Eliot knew, that his mother wasn’t a liar or a cheater but he took comfort in that theory. Maybe, he wasn’t his father’s son. Maybe there was a Dad out there, who would really love him.

  
“School starts, so unless you wanna walk all the way, you should get the fuck up.”

Eliot bit into his pillow to prevent swear words from leaving his mouth. He groaned and turned around, just in time to see Rafael slip back out of his room.

Good. Rafael could fuck off, now that he was awake.

With a long drawn out sigh of eternal suffering, he heaved himself out of the bed. Maybe he was being more dramatic than necessary, especially since no one was here to see it. 

Defeated, Eliot walked across his room and looked at his wardrobe. Choosing something to wear for school was always depressing.The clothes he could chose from were a far cry from the ones he wanted to wear if he had the choice. What he had was boring, grey, boring, black, white and very boring. Some of his clothes once belonged to his brothers, so they also didn’t fit him that well. Some pants where too short and all shirts were way too big. 

With a disgusted face, Eliot reached for a simple jeans and an ugly grey shirt. Why did he even care anymore?

He stripped out of his nightshirt, got dressed and combed his curly and always unruly his hair. Then he grabbed his school bag from where it had been laying in the corner for weeks. Fuck School.

Eliot swiftly jogged downstairs, and snatched a candy bar and an apple from the kitchen, ignoring his parents and other brothers just like they ignored him. He stuffed the food into his bag. He took great care, that the apple wouldn’t get damaged in the process. His bag was actually one of the few things that he owned and liked. He had bought it from some garage sale. It was dark blue but had a nice even though barely visible flower pattern to make up for the blandness of it.

Before his family could remember, he existed and could actually talk Eliot left the house and climbed into his brothers car. 

Taking Eliot to school was actually the nicest thing Rafael had ever done for him. It saved Eliot the ride with the bus, which was good for two reasons:

  1. When he rode with his brother, there was only one asshole sharing a vehicle with Eliot who could bully him. When he took the bus the number varied between four and twenty.
  2. Eliot wasn’t a big fan of driving in busses, since he had moved one with his mind.



Anyway, he was happy that Rafael was decent enough to help him.

“Are you gonna try out for football again?”,Rafael asked. Eliot looked at his brother, as if he was an alien. Was this some kind of new school year resolution.  _ This year, I’ll try treating my little brother like an actual human being. _

“No.”

“Good. Because that was horrible and embarrassing.”

For once, it was something they could agree on. Eliot had tried to join the football team last year. He had figured, that it would be a good reason to spend less time at home. Football was also an activity his father somewhat appreciated. And Eliot had a thing for the quarterback.

His attempt at joining the team had ended with his head in the toilet and a few bruised ribs. Team sports were boring anyway. And his brother was a part of the team ,so it would have sucked anyway no matter how hot Robbie DeSantis was.

“I know.”

“But you are alway- Embarrassing.”

Eliot nodded, “I know.”

So much for his brother being nice.

They didn’t talk the rest of the drive. Neither Eliot nor Rafael minded. If they were brothers, who talked a lot, they could do so at home.

The moment, the car stopped, Rafael glared at Eliot, “Out.”

They were early and Eliot was sure, that Rafael wanted to catch up with his dumb, boring friends. His friends were classical High School bully-jock-assholes. Honestly, Eliot was happy to get away from the car and these people, as fast as possible.

He walked up the stairs, dodging groups of asshole people, who were too busy talking about their summers to notice him. Just, when he reached the door, Eliot walked straight into Taylor. They looked at each other for a moment. 

Eliot still felt like shit for beating him up. Taylor had been outed, shortly after the incident involving Logan and the bus. There had always been rumors about Eliot being gay. There had always been rumors about Eliot and Taylor being gay and a couple. And Eliot had seen the chance to end these rumors. Or at least to stop them for some time. 

So, when Martin Davies asked him, if he wanted to beat up the fag with them, Eliot had said yes. To be fair, he’d been a little scared that he was the fag Martin had talked about. And then, when Taylor had been laying on the ground. Eliot had let out all of his rage against the world. 

Afterwards, he’d felt like a monster. A monster capable of moving busses. Why had the world given  _ him  _ this power?

Why would he ever deserve a friend again?

So now, they were standing here. Taylor looking at Eliot with fear in his eyes. Fear or disgust. This was how other people saw him. This was what it had narrowed down to.

Wordlessly, Eliot walked past Taylor because what was he supposed to say?

_ Sorry I beat you up and bullied you after you’ve been the only person to show me kindness for years. _

He had crossed a line when he hurt him and it was impossible to go back now. 

As soon, as Eliot entered the school building, his stomach twisted. Their High school had its own very special smell. It smelt of dust and lunch rotting in the bins. It was the smell that was forever connected to Eliot’s head being smashed into lockers or fists being smashed into his stomach. It was the smell of humiliation and it was so much worse, after the school had been closed airtight for weeks. So much worse.

Eliot just wanted to get to his classroom for first period and get this over with, but then something caught his eye.

It was a poster put up by the theater club. Eliot had always been interested in everything about that club, but he knew, that his parents would allow him to get involved. He still liked to admire the glimpses of that world, he caught during the year: Theater kids rehearsing lines between periods or at lunch, members of the club sketching concept designs for costumes during classes and the posters for upcoming productions plastering the hallways at the end of a school year.

It was both a strange and familiar world.

Eliot stopped to read the poster:

_ Your story could be our play! _

_   
_ _ Dear students,  _

_ this year, we are organising our play all on our own! So if you have any ideas for original stories or adaptations, hand them over to Ms. Simmons until October and maybe, you will get to be the director of your own play! _

Eliot already felt bad for poor Ms. Simmons, who’d probably have to go through a bunch of deliberately bad scripts. He bit his lip. Maybe, he could actually try to sign up this year. He wasn’t a script writer but he was sixteen now. Maybe now was the time to make a first careful step towards the life he actually wanted.

Anyway, he’d wait to see, what they were going to adapt this year and then decide. Maybe a dumb idea would win. Certainly, a dumb idea would win. Eliot sighed and ran a hand over the poster longingly. Who was he kidding? He’d love to act, even if it was in the dumbest play in the world.

He swallowed that uncomfortable feeling in his throat, locking it in some dark and distant part of his mind and continued his walk to his classroom. Whenever Eliot saw some other students, he avoided eye contact and acted as if the floor was suddenly the most exciting thing in the entire universe. His first period was english and that was something Eliot was actually thankful for. As far as classes went, English was okay. Ms. Monham was a good teacher and books made more sense to Eliot than math did. Not that he was bad at math, he just lacked interest in it. For a brief few weeks two years ago Eliot had developed interest in biology. That was after he’ moved the bus. But he had quickly learnt that the answer to how this had happened was certainly not to be found in some eighth grade biology book.

Who would have thought?

  
The classroom, where Eliot had English now, was at the back of the school building, which had two upsides: The windows were facing an empty field instead of the school yard, so Eliot could properly space out when looking outside without risking to see his brother or bullies. And at this end of the school, the rooms were always filled with sunlight, making it hard to doze off. A nice thing for a first period class.

It was also so,so,so quiet. At least, as long, as Eliot was alone here.

He opened the door of the classroom, hurried inside and froze. He wasn’t alone. There was a boy sitting in the back of the room, directly next to a window. He was wearing glasses, his hair was light brown and about chin length. There was no real style to his haircut, so it was probably done at home. A horror Eliot was well familiar with. While the boys clothes were the same boring shades of boring grey, they seemed to fit the boy at least. Sure, the sleeves were a bit long but that was it. The stranger was writing something, a book open on the table in front of him, but when Eliot closed the door, he froze and raised his head. When the boy looked up at Eliot, the eyes behind the big glasses went wide.

Fear. 

Eliot had never seen the kid before, which was unusual for such a small town. He knew everyone his age here. 

New. He had to be new here. 

“Uh, hi.”, the boy said, seemingly nervous, voice a little fragile. It was weirdly adorable. Eliot wasn’t sure how to respond. People rarely moved here. This might be a chance to play confident. Pretend that he actually was who he wanted to be. But what use would that be? Whoever this kid was would hear and see soon enough, who Eliot Waugh was. A freak, a fag, the son of that alcoholic soy farmer.

“Hi.”, Eliot said and swallowed, trying to force at least some confidence into his voice, “You’re new?”, he tried to look cool, while he walked up to some other table in the back. 

“Yeah,uhm, I guess?.”, the kid said and quickly covered, whatever he was writing, “I moved here last week. My name’s Q-Quentin.”

“El-”, before Eliot could finish his introduction, he was laying face down on the ground.

“Fuck are you okay?”

“I-”, Eliot stuttered and looked up. Quentin was leaning over him. Some of the boy’s hair was covering his face and his glasses had slid down a little. He had nice eyes. 

Eliot quickly looked away, he wasn’t hurt. The only part of him that had taken a hit was his barely existent pride, “Fuck.”

“It’s okay. Uhm, I- uhm, I think, you stepped on your laces or something, uhm, are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Fine.”, Eliot basically jumped to his feet and Quentin quickly moved away from him,as if he had been startled by the movement. Eliot had somehow managed to embarrass himself in front of the new kid in less than a minute. World record.   
Swiftly, Eliot walked to his table and sat down

Quentin looked at Eliot, “You know, the thing with the laces happens all the time, it’s not-”

“Yeah, yeah, I-”

The door of the classroom opened and a group of students came in. Eliot was sure, that this was the first time, he had been happy to see Janine Dwight and her group of barbie friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> El: Oh wow. Pretty boy.  
> El *trips and falls*
> 
> So, as you can see this is a veeeeeery different El from the Prince of Brakebills/High King of Fillory, but you'll see him develop into that direction through the story and I hope it will feel somewhat natural. This is just how I imagine him before he started his "creative projec" (which probably was post HS/ during college in canon)
> 
> Another thing, you can see here and in later chapter is that I decided to adapt some aspects of the books. The show completely brushes over the fact that all of the Brakebills kids are geniuses and I hate that they didn’t include that. I mean aside from Alice, it’s never mentioned. Q, Margo, El and Penny are smart too ffs. So I let bookeliot inspire me and let him be insanely good at school but effortlessly so. Like he canonically is there. It’s hinted at in the show a few times but only if you think around five corners so screw that.
> 
> Besides that, I want to say Thank you for your feedback so far. Updates won't come this fast from now on. I'll try a weekly schedule but I can't promise.


	3. between the lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> homophobia

The next week or so Eliot didn’t talk to Quentin. He noticed, that the other boy was always alone during lunch or in between classes. There was a chance to befriend him but every time Eliot considered that he thought about Taylor. Why should he try to make a friend, if he’d end up kicking him to a pulp in the gym anyway? Why should he deserve a friend? 

So Eliot continued keeping to himself until one Wednesday. Englisch class was just over. It was an unusually hot and humid afternoon for September and Eliot dreaded the thought of going home to help on the fields, so he was packing his bag deliberately slow, putting one book in after the other. Then he saw it. There was a book laying on Quentin’s table. It was the one he always seemed to have his nose stuck in. Actually Eliot had rarely seen him without that book. He wondered, how he could have just forgotten it.

It was probably important to him.

Eliot walked over to Quentin’s seat by the window and picked up the book. Just by holding it he felt that it was a loved object. An object, that held enough importance to a person to have its own soul. The cover was a little damaged at some spots, the pages were slightly wrinkled here and there. But not a single piece of paper was torn.

Eliot was careful, when he turned the book around to read the title. He may be good at destroying things without meaning it but he wasn’t gonna do any damage to this book. 

_ Fillory and Further: The World in the Walls _

The title was somewhat familiar. Occasionally, Eliot and his Mom went shopping in the town and then she’d take him to a little bookshop in the mall. Usually he was allowed to pick one book that interested him- and that his parents approved of. One day, Eliot had discovered Fillory and Further. A book, which met the first but not the second criteria. Witchcraft and occult themes weren’t something his parents wanted in the Waugh house. 

Weirdly enough, Eliot related to said book because he too was something his parents didn’t want in the house. And because he too was at least somewhat connected to witchcraft and/or occult themes, although he still had to figure that part out.

Eliot opened his bag and made sure that there was no food or liquid in there, that could harm the book. Carefully, he pressed some of his textbooks aside and let Fillory and Further slide between his English and his Spanish book. It wouldn’t be damaged there, not unless someone used Eliot’s bag to beat him up. That was a real possibility but he wasn’t going to consider that option too much. He was probably safe right now. 

Eliot left the room and jogged down the hallway, hoping to find Quentin somewhere. He passed a few groups of students, ignoring one insult Kevin Barnes shouted after him. No Quentin. He must have a good five minutes on Eliot now, so the boy could actually be everywhere. Eliot played with the idea of checking out the bathroom, but decided against it. The bathroom smelled and it was also a good place to end up being bullied in some way. So he wasn’t doing that. Especially not for someone who was practically a stranger. Eliot sighed and left the school building.

He stepped outside just in time to see the school bus leaving. Eliot wasn’t sure, if Quentin came by bus but it was a good guess and he was nowhere to be seen outside of the building. He felt a little bad for taking something that was apparently so important to someone else home with him, but he didn’t really have a choice. He trusted himself more than the schools lost and found area in front of the teachers lounge. And he and Quentin were in the same biology class the next morning. Eliot could hand the book back there.

“Hey!”, Rafael shouted from his car. Eliot turned and saw that the engine was already running and that is brother looked pissed. Quickly, Eliot walked over and climbed into the car.

“What took you so long?”

“Monham was a few minutes late and class went on longer.”, Eliot said hastily, carefully putting his bag between his legs. It was as if he could feel some sort of heat coming from the book. Eliot wondered, if Quentin had already realised that it was missing. Probably.

Luckily, Rafael didn’t start any more conversation during the remaining time on the way home. Eliot’s mind kept wandering to Quentin. It was the first time he wondered about the boys life. He tried to imagine him realising that he lost his book but the blanks were hard to fill in. What did his room look like? Did he live in a house or an apartment? How big was his family? Thinking about a stranger this much was probably something Eliot should find weird but he didn’t.

When they pulled up in front of the house, Eliot already saw his father waiting for them. Fuck. He’d hoped to somehow ditch working on the farm this day but apparently that wasn’t an option. The worst part about the work here was that Eliot always got the truly terrible tasks. His father always said, that a little hard work would make him tougher. Meaning, he thought that dung made him stop liking dicks. Eliot couldn’t see the logic behind this but he knew that an argument would end up with a bruise or two on his body. Instead Eliot turned the other cheek and worked on the fields until the sun set.

After dinner and a long shower, Eliot headed upstairs. He was tired and wanted to go to bed but then his eyes fell on his school bag. Carefully, he opened it and pulled out the book. It still felt strange in his hands. Like it was a living thing. Eliot wondered, if one day, he’d be as loved as this book. He looked around his room, as if somebody was watching and then he opened it. 

Starting on the first page, there were little notes scribbled down below the text. Some words were marked and there were comments and jokes. Eliot couldn’t help but smile. What a nerd. 

But then, something strange happened. He started reading and he continued to read. Suddenly, it was 2 am and Eliot pulled out the plank and a flashlight and he climbed onto the roof of the barn to read more out there. Eliot read chapter after chapter, he read every hand written note and he looked at every small drawing Quentin had added in the corners of the pages.

There was something so telling about Quentin hidden in this book, literally written between the lines and it fascinated Eliot more than it should. That being said, he felt the appropriate amount of shame, for what was kind of a breach of privacy. But Eliot was just so fascinated by the Chatwins, by Fillory but most of all by Quentin. His thoughts on the book were just so good and thorough. At some passages, he pointed out open ends or plot holes. Sometimes, he just complimented a few lines and sometimes, he wrote little alternative ideas down. And different from most times they discussed literature in English class, Eliot actually agreed with the interpretations.

That was, until he reached a passage about Rupert Chatwin in the end of the book.

_ Why does he want to leave Fillory? _ , Quentin had scribbled down next to a line,  _ Not explained. _

Eliot frowned at that because it seemed obvious. Especially given how weird Rupert and his wife had been.

Eliot closed the book and climbed back into his room. Only now, he realised, that he was a little cold. Has it been this chilly the entire night? And how the fuck has it been an entire night already, when it felt like he had only spent half an hour reading in the book. Eliot gently put the book down on his desk, running a hand over the cover, just to feel that love again.

With a sigh, Eliot walked over towards his desk and took a piece of paper, he folded it neatly before writing down two sentences.

_ He’s in love. With someone on earth. _

Carefully, Eliot blew over the writing so that the ink could dry. Then he opened the book at the page with Quentin’s comment on Rupert. Eliot read the lines again and then placed the slip in there and put the book back into his bag.

Just like that, the room felt incredibly silent. Before there’d been the voice of Quentin reading the comments aloud, there’d been the voice of Jane, Martin and Rupert. Now, there was just Eliot.

Slowly, Eliot walked towards his bed and leaned down. He had less than three hours until he’d have to get up, but he didn’t feel like he’d be able to sleep. His mind was still in Fillory and when he managed to get back to reality, there was only one thing, he could think about.

How do I get the other books?   
The answer was simple. He’d have to use his limited money and he’d have to change the covers or hide the books along with his porn and sewing equipment. He hated keeping everything about parts of his life a secret but it was saving him. It was saving him from his father, his brothers and the stupid kids at school.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Eliot woke up, he was tired. Very tired. As if he hadn’t slept the whole night, which was evidently true. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. For a moment, he couldn’t remember the reason for his lack of sleep. Then he remembered. 

Fillory.

Quentin.

He’d give Quentin his book back in a few hours. Something about that made him feel excited. Quentin would be so happy. Eliot smiled and ran a hand through his hair: Yeah, he’d actually do something good for a change this day. He’d make someone else smile and not because that person was laughing at him. He’d do something good.

It was a lot easier to get out of bed with that thought constantly present in his head. He would help someone. Eliot opened his wardrobe, pondering a little longer than usual over what to wear and then he continued with his usual morning routine:

Taking a shower, before his brothers could occupy the bathroom. Grab food for school, while avoiding as much contact with his family as possible.

He was a pro at that by now. The year long practice had made him perfect.

Half an hour later, Eliot was sitting in Rafael’s car. As always they gave each other the silent treatment and as always Eliot was plenty thankful for that. He just needed to get to school and hand Quentin his book back. It was kind of the goal, he had set for himself this day. Somehow, Eliot could tell that this wouldn’t be easy, by the time Rafael pulled up in front of the school. There was a groups of students between him and school. And that group included Kevin Barnes and Martin Davies. The two biggest remaining assholes at school since- the bus. For a moment, Eliot tasted blood.

_ Don’t murder them. Don’t murder them. Don’t fucking murder them. _

He swallowed and sang the High School Musical soundtrack in his head to keep himself from having any thoughts that might be dangerous to Martin and Kevin. Eliot had no idea how he had moved the bus, so he had to keep tight control over what was going on in his head. One would expect that not moving a huge ass school bus wasn’t hard but apparently it was.

The problem was, that people like Martin or Kevin made it hard. People like his brother and his father made it hard.

And Eliot tried. He really tried to walk past them as fast as possible but that was the problem this time. He hadn’t seen Kevin’s purposely outstretched leg that made him trip.    
The moment, Eliot made contact with the ground, he felt that his knee was scratched. That his jeans were torn. Shit. His mind screamed through the laughter of the other kids. He needed to ignore it. Just ignore it. He lifted himself up from the ground and glared at Kevin, “Original.”

Kevin just laughed, “Bet it’s not the first time, you get bruised knees.”

“From sucking cock.”, Martin added.

Eliot grabbed his bag and glared at them, before muttering, “Yeah, it’s always a good sign, if you have to explain a joke.”

“What did you just say?”, Martin barked.

Eliot quickly strode ahead and a few steps later, he was in the safe orbit of Mr. Rand, who was standing in the hallway talking to a student. Martin and Kevin weren’t dumb enough to beat him up in front of a teacher.

The safety gave Eliot the the chance for a quick damage report. His jeans were ripped at his knees, blood soaking through. Not a good thing. He wasn’t the type for the used look and his father would be mad. So mad.

Apart from that everything seemed-

The book. 

Eliot opened his bag, if the book had somehow been damaged he’d end up failing to help someone again. He’d have only caused damage. Again.

Luckily, the book looked the same way, it had always looked. No tears in the pages. Nothing. Eliot let out a sigh of relief.

Somehow he cared a lot about not disappointing Quentin. It meant something to him. A chance not to be a fuck up. Not to hurt another boy, who had been nice to him. Well, nice was putting it -well- nicely. After that first interaction and Eliot’s awkward tripping, he’d avoided Quentin like the plague. Eliot just- He didn’t want to hurt him. It was such a simple wish.

_ I don’t want to hurt him. _

But if it was so simple, why did Eliot feel like he was dangerously close to screwing that up?

He looked around, checking if Martin or Kevin were close and let out a sigh of relief, when he realised they weren’t.

Carefully, Eliot walked toward his biology classroom. He was relieved to see Quentin sit at the same place as always. In the back and by the window. Quentin was writing something down but he was without his book for the first time since Eliot had met him. The absence of a dumb book on a dumb table had no right to feel as wrong as it did. Quentin looked sad, dark shadows under his eyes. They probably matched Eliots.

For a moment, Eliot watched him and it felt as much as an invasion of privacy as it had to read the little notes in “The World in the Walls”

Eliot wasn’t entirely sure, how to approach Quentin, which was a weird thing to worry about. The boy was way more awkward than he was. At least, that was, what Eliot thought based on what he had seen so far.

_ You aren’t the new kid. You are just being nice. Talk to him. _

Eliot walked up to Quentin’s desk and knocked on the table, trying to be as confident and nonchalant as he could be.

He regretted it immediately, when Quentin looked up at him with wide eyes. Although the boy relaxed instantly, when he saw who was standing next to him but it had been obvious that Eliot had spooked Quentin. It was a reaction Eliot was familiar with. Had Quentin been bullied at his old school? Was he being bullied here?   
“Hey.”, Eliot said hoping that Quentin wasn’t aware that he’d seen his brief slip up.

Quentin adjusted his glasses, “Oh, hi.”

Eliot noticed, how fast Quentin was to cover his notes. Part of him regretted not catching a glimpse. As if he hadn’t invaded that boys privacy enough by now.

“Uhm, yesterday, after English class-”, Eliot started and he already saw hope in Quentin’s eyes. He wasn’t sure when someone had looked at him hopeful before, “I think, you forgot your book.”

“Yes! Do you- do you know where it is?”, Quentin’s eyes were wide, as if they were about to jump out of his head.

Eliot opened his bag and pulled out the book, “I tried to find you after school, but I think you were already on the bus and- things get lost in ‘lost and found’- ironically- so.”, he just placed the book in front of the other boy.

“Thank you.”, Quentin said, running his hand over the cover. Eliot wondered, if Quentin could feel that he’d read the book. It almost seemed like it.

“It’s not damaged or anything.”, Eliot said quickly, running a hand through his curls.

“I know.”

Eliot nodded, maybe he had made a mistake by coming here this early. Now, he was stuck in a situation, where he either had to make small talk with Quentin or sit in the same room filled with awkward silence.

“It’s for theater.”, Quentin said all of the sudden and completely unprovoked.

“What?”

“The book.”, Quentin said, “I-I- want to write a play. I mean, I want to adapt Fillory into a play and- maybe direct it? I’ve never done something like this before but I like the book and I like theater. I guess.” 

Eliot nodded and thought about it for a moment. He liked the idea a lot. A play based on the Fillory books. Or even better a musical. He’d like to see that. He’d like to be part of that. He’d like to star in that. When Eliot looked back at Quentin, he was looking at him as if he’d just revealed the biggest secret in the world. As if he had just confessed that he knew that there were Aliens in area 51- Because he’s one of them.

How do you react to something like this? That seems like nothing special to you, but apparently means a lot to someone else. Eliot tried to imagine how he’d want someone to react when he told them that he planned to sew his own shirt.

“That sounds cool.”

_ And that was a really lame answer. _

“I mean.”, Eliot said, “I mean, I liked the story of the book too. Rupert and Jane are such badasses and Martin is certainly complex.”

“You read in my book?”

Eliot wanted to say, that he hadn’t read in Quentin’s book. But he’d put the note in there, which was pretty dumb in hindsight. He blamed his sleep deprived brain.

“I-”, he started, when he had an idea. Why not try the truth for once? 

“I always wanted to read them. Well, I once wanted to read them but my parents wouldn’t allow me to-, so I- I know, I shouldn’t have- Especially after I saw the notes.”

Quentin didn’t look angry. His face was just red and his eyes were still set on the table. He was ashamed. And yeah, his obsession with this book may be a little nerdy but it was also something Eliot could admire. Being passionate about something was essentially a good thing.

“It was just- I-I was. You read the notes.”

“They are- cool.”, Eliot said, “I mean, they were always right. You have a really good grip on these things.”

Quentin looked up from the book and his notes, looking Eliot straight in the eyes, “You can have my other books.”

“What?”

“The other Fillory books. I mean not forever but like- borrowed. I have two of each and-”, Eliot could see the regret in Quentin’s eyes for telling him that he owned every book twice, “I have two, because- uhm- you can have the ones without my stupid notes in them.”

Eliot opened his mouth and paused. He’d liked the story. Although Quentin’s notes had made it a thousand times better, he wasn’t about to say that. And he sure as hell wasn’t about to say, that he’d actually rather borrow the editions with the notes. Instead, he nodded, “That, uhm, that would be nice.”

Quentin nodded at that, “I’ll bring ‘The Girl who told Time’ to English next week. It’s the second book in the series and kinda my favorite. It’s pretty cool because it focuses on-”, he stopped himself, “It’s good.” 

The way Quentin acted around Eliot was weird, because in a way, it was how Eliot acted around people who were actually way too cool for him. But the new boy couldn’t be confusing him with someone who had any status whatsoever? Because that would be absolutely ridiculous. What mattered more, was that Quentin was being nice to him and apparently kinda cared about what Eliot thought about him. It was something new for sure.

“I’m looking forward to it.”, Eliot said and walked to his desk. Only after he’d turned his back to Quentin, he realised how light his tone had been. No. Not just light. Flirty. Easy. Casual. 

Eliot bit his lip, hoping the other boy hadn’t noticed anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, ̶t̶̶h̶̶i̶̶s̶ Quentin w̶̶o̶̶u̶̶l̶̶d̶̶ ̶̶w̶̶r̶̶i̶̶t̶̶e̶ writes fanfiction
> 
> Also find yourself someone who looks at you the way Q looks at his Fillory books


	4. the entanglement of vines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> Homophobic language including the F- word.  
> If you wanna skip that stop at : "Then, just when they’d finished their lunch Martin and Kevin had shown up to mock them. " and continue at "Eliot swallowed at the memory of that day, his eyes wandered across the crowded cafeteria. "
> 
> There's a scene where what happenes to Martin in 1x09 is hinted at. But it's nothing graphic. Still, if you wanna skip start at : "As if he had just killed their half an hour old friendship" and start with "There was a sense of pride Eliot felt at noticing something during his very first read through Quentin hadn’t picked up on already."

The following week was somewhat strange. Quentin brought Eliot the second Fillory book and Eliot took it home and stored it behind his bookshelves. This time, Eliot allowed himself some sleep and read the whole thing within three nights. It wasn’t the same without Quentins little comments, analyses and scribbles but Eliot enjoyed the book nonetheless. Jane continued to be a badass. But damn, Eliot was having a little thing for Rupert. He just sounded hot. And maybe, Eliot’s teenage brain was wired simply like that.

On Monday, Eliot felt excited for school for the first time in ages. He just couldn’t wait to get his hands on the third Fillory book. And besides that, he was excited to have a conversation with Quentin about the second book. Eliot had a lot of opinions and this time, Quentin’s thoughts on things weren’t right in the book alongside the story.

It was frustrating really, if it was up to Eliot every edition would come with these adorable little nerd comments in it. 

Apart from feeling excited there was also something else that was different when Eliot arrived at school this morning. He felt something close to happiness but not really. Settled. That seemed to describe it the best, like he was closer to what he wanted out of life. Maybe that was because Eliot had decided to audition for theater this year, if they actually adapted the first Fillory book. It was a thought that still scared him somehow but he had decided to commit to it. 

Despite avoiding people on a regular basis, Eliot wasn’t a shy person. He wasn’t scared of talking in front of the class like other kids were. The thought of standing on a stage wasn’t something that scared him. What did scare him were the reactions of certain people, namely his family and the egghead friends of Martin and Kevin. They scared him because Eliot was familiar with the consequences they could cause. He had the bruises on his body and scars on his soul to show for it. So yeah, joining theater was guaranteed to cause either physical or emotional pain coming from these people. But there was something Eliot had learned from Jane and it was that you are in control of your own life and that you can’t let others decide over you. 

Besides, how likely was it, that Quentin’s idea would win? The school would probably go for something that was already a play. Leave it to High Schools to preach the importance of creativity and individuality but snuff both of these traits out, whenever a student showed potential.

To Eliot’s delight, he managed to avoid running into any assholes on his way to class this day: This day, he was early enough that no one else was there. Not even Quentin. Eliot tried his best not to be too bummed out by that. But if Quentin was late it also meant that they had less time to ramble about Fillory. With a sigh, Eliot looked across the empty rows and then he had an idea. Instead of sitting down at his usual spot, Eliot took the seat next to Quentin. It was usually empty so no one would be bothered by that.

_ Unless it bothered Quentin himself. _

They weren’t friends, just two boys who shared interest in the same book. But Quentin would surely be okay, sitting next to Eliot if it meant that they could talk about all things Fillory during class. Or write them down on little notes? Eliot just wanted to hear Quentin’s thoughts on Rupert and Jane, when they discovered-

The classroom door opened and Eliot looked up from where his hand had just been fidgeting. It was Quentin. The boy looked across the empty room, then saw Eliot and for the shortest of moments, he smiled. Then something slid back to replace that smile. Something Eliot couldn’t quiet name. He prefered the smile though.

“Hey.”, Quentin said, helplessly pointing at Eliot and then at the place he usually sat, “You, uhm- I- it’s different.”

“Yeah, I’m actually not glued to my chair, so-”, it was so easy being confident in that moment. It was so easy, being who Eliot felt he truly was beneath his own pain, “I mean, I’d like to sit here. Unless you object to me blessing you with my presence.” Why did this feel so easy? Eliot wasn’t sure, he just knew that being like this felt good. So good.

An easy smile tugged at Quentin’s lips, “No. It’s fine.”, then he walked over to Eliot and sat down next to him.

Quentin’s shirt was a little too big for him. Eliot wasn’t sure why he noticed it at this moment but he did. It was especially obvious with the sleeves. They were way too long for the boy. It reminded Eliot a bit of a turtle and he wondered if this was the purpose of that shirt. If Quentin had chosen it, so that he could retreat into his shell, whenever he wanted.

_ Or he has older siblings, like you, dummy. _

Yeah. That seemed more likely.

“So, did you read ‘The Girl who told Time’?”, Quentin asked and Eliot could tell that the other boy was as eager to have that conversation as he was. Something inside of Eliot felt light at that.

“Yeah and: Oh my God! I mean I still don’t know a hundred percent what is going on but the Time Witch-”, he stopped to gesture and search for a word, “- bitch is scary as hell!”

“I know!”, Quentin yelped and immediately looked embarrassed. He cleared his throat and continued to speak in a quieter tone, “She gave me nightmares once. But I mean that just shows how amazing Plover is as an author. I mean it’s not like she does a lot but she is still super scary.”

Eliot nodded, “I’m really psyched for the next one.”

“I brought it.”, Quentin said, smiling widely.   
“Good, good, but can we talk about Jane and Rupert discovering a fucking dragon? I mean that’s something that happened?”

Quentin grinned, “I remember reading that for the first time and losing my shit over it.”

“Rightfully so.”

Quentin smiled wide, “I know it made me feel giddy for days and Dr. Kru-”, he stopped and his face darkened all of the sudden. Eliot had to admit that he was confused by Quentin mentioning a Doctor but he wasn’t going to dig any further there. Not right now. He didn’t like the dark look on Quentin’s face.

“Yeah, yeah, it was great.”, Eliot said and then quickly added a question, “How is the writing on the play going?”

“Great.”, Quentin said, his answer coming out harsh. He winced immediately, “It’s fun, which is a little nerdy I guess.”

“Yeah.”, Eliot said without any judgement and shrugged nonchalantly.

Quentin looked at him a little surprised and then he nodded, “I mean, I am a nerd so, I-uhm. I guess it’s what- I guess, it’s kinda okay?”

“You are.”, Eliot answered and nodded, again he wasn’t judgemental. Just dryly commenting what was true, “But you might actually create something here, which is more than most of us do.”

Something in Quentin’s posture relaxed, “I don’t think it will work out anyway. I don’t think my play will win.”

Eliot shrugged, “Don’t put too many hopes on it. Not because I don’t believe it will be a good play, but because I know this school. I want to audition by the way. If your play wins.”   
“Really?”, Quentin asked and there was something so hopeful in his voice that caught Eliot completely off guard.

“Yeah.”

“That’s- that’s great.”, Quentin said and smiled to himself, “I mean, it would be good to have someone in there, who- gets it. If my play wins, I mean.   
Eliot just nodded, not sure what to say, “I think a lot of people know Fillory. But still: Thanks for liking that idea.”

“Who do you want to audition for? Rupert or Martin?”

“I was thinking about Jane or Honeyclaw.”

Quentin grinned, “Come on!”

“You’re right, I’d make a terrible bear.”, Eliot said, his lips quivering up at one side. He wasn’t sure if Quentin fully understood the joke. He kinda hoped he didn’t.

Quentin looked down at his table and shook his head, “I can’t judge that.”

Eliot opened his mouth when the door opened and a few other kids walked in. He didn’t want the damn lesson to start. He wanted to spend more time with Quentin just so that they could talk. If only the time before the first period wasn’t so short. 

_ There’s a way to solve that problem, you idiot. _

“Quentin?”, Eliot asked, his voice lowered a little.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to have lunch together?”

Quentin looked at him with eyes that were almost wider than his stupidly thick glasses, “What?”

Eliot grinned, trying to hide his nerves. He truly cared about Quentin wanting to spend time with him, “Lunch. It’s after breakfast and before-”

“I know what lunch is. I was just surprised, you-you’d ask me because- I’m- I’m just- you know, I-”, Quentin stopped.

“I have no idea what you want to say, so I’ll help you get your foot out of your mouth. Just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ Quentin.”

“Yeah.”

Eliot bit his lip, “Not technically ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

Quentin groaned and elbowed Eliot in the side and they both laughed. Yes. This was happening. Quentin, the shy nerd, had elbowed Eliot and Eliot was truly laughing out loud for the first time in a year- because he was happy.

~~~~~~~~~~

Class went by way too slow that day. Eliot and Quentin kept having small talk during their first period but it was not the same, as it was when they didn’t have to worry about being called out by their teacher. They always had to stop what they were saying mid sentence, so that they could pretend to focus on class. What was worse however, was that they couldn’t laugh together.

Then the second period came and while it was art and therefore Eliot’s favorite class, he didn’t share it with Quentin which made it surprisingly dull. At least, Eliot had something to look forward to. Time just seemed to go by so damn slow until lunch. It was almost torturous.

When Eliot walked into the cafeteria later he was stunned by how long it has been, since he’d been in here. He tended to eat his lunch outside, where he wouldn’t be bothered. For a long time, he’d done that together with Taylor. 

Back then, they used to sit somewhere behind the bleachers. Eliot and Taylor never had much in common, which was weird considering they used to be each other's only friends. But Eliot had always been a wannabe-art-kid, while Taylor had been a wannabe-sport-kid. They had never talked much, just occasionally chatted about very mundane stuff. Then one day, Taylor had been outed. During their lunch that day Taylor had been devastated. He’d talked the whole break and Eliot had just been sitting there, imagining what it would be like to have that happen to him. It was that moment, he had decided that this couldn’t happen to him. Then, just when they’d finished their lunch Martin and Kevin had shown up to mock them. 

_ Oh, I bet they were just about to suck their dicks. _

_ Do you want to fuck that fag up the ass, Waugh? _

_ Don’t be dumb, Waugh wants it up the ass. _

And because Eliot had just decided that he could never risk being outed, he’d just joined them.

_ I’d never want his gay dick anywhere near me, ugh. _

He was such a jerk.

Eliot swallowed at the memory of that day, his eyes wandered across the crowded cafeteria. Taylor was sitting at a table with a handful of girls and two boys. Eliot had seen all of them together a few times now. He was happy that Taylor had friends now. He deserved that. Nice people who cared about him. Who wouldn’t use the first opportunity to stab him in the back.

For a moment Eliot considered to walk up to his former friend and apologize but then he heard a familiar voice, “Hey, El.”

Quentin was standing behind him. He was doing that weird thing, where he had his hands on both straps of his backpack, as he carried it. 

_ A loser. _

But Eliot thought it fondly.

“Hey, Quentin.”, Eliot said, well aware that all of this was a little awkward and stiff but he hoped to conceal it with the lightness in his voice.

“So, what are we gonna eat?”

“Pizza is the only thing that’s safe here. Trust me. I’ve learnt that the hard way. We just have to hope that there’s some left.”

Quentin chuckled at that and Eliot considered whether or not to make it clear that he wasn’t over exaggerating. He’d spend a good few days at home due to Cafeteria-food-poisoning and he wasn’t the only one. But telling your new maybe-friend about days spent vomiting was probably not the best conversation starter. That being said, Quentin deserved a warning.

“I wasn’t joking.”, Eliot cleared his throat, “Trust me.”

“Okaaaay.”, Quentin said stretching the word, as he eyed a student walking past them with a plate filled with something entirely impossible to identify, “I think, I get it.”

“Yeah. Poor her.”, Eliot shrugged and then walked ahead, so that they could stand in line for pizza.

Quentin fumbled with his straps nervously and Eliot could tell that he wanted to say something but apparently struggled to form any words. It was a bit of an uncomfortable situation because Eliot wanted to help the other boy but he also didn’t want to show that he could see him struggling.

Eventually Quentin finally broke the silence and started to speak quietly, “Thanks for being so nice to me.”   
Eliot’s first instinct was to respond by saying the same thing but apparently Quentin thought that he was some sort of popular kid. Or at least more popular than Eliot actually was. And he liked that feeling a lot, so he just shrugged and smiled, “You deserve to know that you are not alone here. Even though you are the new kid.”

Quentin smiled at Eliot and nodded, “I-uhm- my friends call me Q.”

Eliot felt something inside of his chest go warm, “Am I your friend?”

“I guess.”, Quentin shrugged, immediately retreating back into his shell.

It was an answer Eliot hadn’t been fully prepared to hear. The only thing he knew about Quentin was that he was a huge Fillory nerd. And the only thing Quentin knew about Eliot was that he liked the books to some degree. Eliot hadn’t meant to befriend anyone anymore and now, here he was. The worst part of this was that he actually liked the idea of being friends with Quentin- Q. 

He actually wanted to be friends with that boy. Despite having been nothing but a terrible friend himself in the past.

Eliot walked a little forward, as the students in front of him moved, Quentin was silent for a few moments and when Eliot looked at him he seemed to expect something.

_ Oh. Eliot, you emotionally crippled asshole. _

“I consider you a friend as well.”, Eliot said quickly, hoping that the long pause before his reply wouldn’t irritate Quen- Q too much.

“Really?”

Eliot just nodded, “Yeah. I bond fast.”, that wasn’t exactly a lie. He grew attached to people rather quickly. But usually these people meant no good to him or Eliot ended up harming them.

Quentin smiled, “Me too. I was- before- before I moved here I didn’t exactly have many friends. I mean, I had one best friend. Her name’s Julia and we were close but that was it and then, I- moved here.”

Eliot nodded again and bit his upper lip. The smell of Pizza made his stomach grumble embarrassingly loud, “Where did you live before?”

“New York.”

“New York.”, Eliot repeated laughing, “Wow.”

“What’s so funny?”, Quentin asked. He seemed so insecure all of the sudden. Even more than before. Something in his face had shifted after he’d told Eliot about Julia. It would be too much to say that Q had let all of his walls down but maybe a part of it.

Eliot shouldn’t have laughed and he felt like a dick for it, even though there had been no malintention, “I’m not laughing at you. There was nothing funny. It’s just- moving from New York here. That must suck.”

“It’s different.”

“Understatement of the century.”

Q shrugged, “But I like the calm.”

“Wait until it gets boring. Then you’ll curse the ‘calm’.”, Eliot spat the last word out with as much distaste as he was able to bring up with the smell of pizza around him.

“Maybe.”

The two of them reached the counter and grabbed their slices of pizza. The cafeteria was crowded as hell right now but there was a table in the corner with a few younger students who had never bullied Eliot before. He led Quentin there and they sat down leaving a few empty chairs between them and the other kids.

“So.”, Eliot started, taking a bite of his pepperoni pizza. The pizza here was not particularly good but it was pizza, so even their cafeteria couldn’t screw it up, “Why did you move?”

Quentin rubbed his forehead, bringing his glasses a bit askew, “I- ugh- Sorry I have a headache somehow. Both of my parents got pretty decent job offers, so-”

Eliot wondered what kind of ‘good’ job offers someone could get out here,“You must miss your friend.”

“We had to handle distance before, so-”, Quentin said and then grimaced. Eliot got the impression, Q had just revealed a bigger secret than intended.

“It’s cool, that you’re from New York.”, Eliot said and since he felt, like he owed Q a confession or two, he added in a hushed tone, “I’ve never been outside of this damn state before but I’d really wanna go to New York one day.”

“You’ve never been out of Indiana?”, Quentin asked and Eliot took pride in it being a surprise. So not all about his appearance was screaming ‘red neck farm kid’ in capital letters. Or Quentin was just very unobservant.

Eliot shook his head, “No my parents never want to.”, he lowered his voice to a whisper, “And we don’t really have the money. I’m not bad at school. I’m holding out hope for a scholarship.”

Q didn’t comment on that. He just nodded and chewed on his slice of pizza. At this moment it was the best response, Eliot had dared to hope for. No dumb pity or comments on how nice it is here in Indiana or some bullshit. Just silent understanding. 

A few bites later Eliot cleared his throat and spoke a little louder than before, “Change of topic: When do you have to hand in the play again?”. The question was a bit of a conversation starter and not really an actual question. Eliot saw the posters everyday. He knew, the play was due next week.

“Wednesday.”, Quentin said, looking at his backpack, “I still have so much to write for it.”

“But you plan on finishing it, right?”

Q nodded, “It will probably take me until wednesday morning but yeah. I’ve written too much already to scrap it.”

“Want me to have a look at it?”, Eliot asked. He wanted to help Quentin but he was also curious to read what Quentin had written so far.

“No. I mean not until it’s finished. I don’t want anyone to read it before I’m done, you know?”

“I get it. You are a perfectionist.”

Quentin shook his head, “I’m not.”

Eliot smirked and then shrugged, “Whatever. But I bet it’s good. And I don’t give compliments away lightly.”

With a shrug, Quentin shoved down the rest of his pizza and then frowned, “Are you serious?”

“I mean I already said, I’d audition for the play and I don’t want myself to be associated with garbage.”

“That I believe.”Quentin said and a warm smile lit up his face. His glasses had slid down a little and his hair was messy from how often he'd ran his hand through it this morning. It was- something.

Eliot quickly looked away, focusing on the cheese on his pizza instead. He hoped that whatever had just happened hasn’t shown itself on his face, “Yeah.”, he cleared his throat, “I have very high standards for- everything.”

“Also for friends?”

“Yeah, so you better be worth the while.”, Eliot said lightly and immediately retreated, “That was a joke by the way.”

“I know.” 

Eliot smiled, it was easy and not as forced as his smiles usually felt, “So Fillory-”

“Yeah!”, Quentin said and at the mention of the word a light appeared in the boys eyes, “What about it?”

“I know, Jane’s the main character. I mean like the main-main character of the three main characters but sometimes, I feel like Polver didn’t get the message.”

“What do you mean?”, Quentin’s eyes narrowed, his forehead wrinkling a bit.

Immediately Eliot wondered, if he had said something wrong. As if he had insulted Fillory and therefore Quentin in someway. As if he had just killed their half an hour old friendship.

“I don’t know, I just feel like the way Martin is described as is- Different. And there’s a lot of love towards the character there.”, that Eliot could put in words. But he struggled to describe the uncomfortable feeling, he got off the Martin focused parts of the books. Something always felt wrong but whenever Eliot tried to pin it down, he failed.

Quentin shrugged, “I mean, the kids in the books are based on kids Plover knew in real life. Maybe Martin was his favorite. I never noticed Martin being handled any different before though.”

There was a sense of pride Eliot felt at noticing something during his very first read through Quentin hadn’t picked up on already.

Eliot was still chewing on that thought, when Quentin stood up and grabbed his backpack, “I have P.E. now, so-”

“See you tomorrow.”, Eliot said.

Q’s lips quirked up into an easy smile again and he nodded, “See you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> El: i don’t want any friends. friends are dumb  
> Q: we are friends  
> El: kay. i love friends now


	5. act out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings. Whoop Whoop
> 
> Homophobic language including the F-word and physical violence:  
> If you wanna skip: Start with "Eliot was the least smallest boy compared to Martin. Either way, it was quite intimidating." and end with "“What is going on here?”, Eliot blinked through his tears and looked up at Ms. Samuels, who had just stepped around the corner."
> 
> Use of the F- word again  
> Starting "By now, everyone must already be fully aware of what had happened" to "But the worst part was, that Quentin had seen it."

While Eliot and Q did have lunch together the next few days, they spent most of the time in silence. Not because they’d run out of topics for conversation but because Quentin wanted to finish his play and apparently he needed every free minute of his days for that.

So when Wednesday came, part of Eliot was just excited to have his friend back. It was weird how much he’d started to like him in such a short time. Eliot wasn’t sure if he’d grown into this or if he’d always been capable of caring for others like this. Maybe now was just the right time and Q the right person. But if he was being honest, Eliot didn’t care about it. He just knew that school was more fun with Q there.

Eliot and Quentin had agreed to meet in front of Ms. Simmons’ room. Q had been nervous and he wanted Eliot to be there. That way Quentin could be sure that he wouldn’t bail out on handing in the script. 

But now, Quentin was late which was unusual for him. Nervously, Eliot stepped back and forth on his feet. Ms. Simmons’ office was right between the theater and the gym. The hallway here was usually empty compared to other parts of the school. Even empty enough for Eliot to hear steps approaching from behind a corner. 

_ Quentin? _

Eliot looked up from his shoes and froze.  _ Not Quentin.  _ Martin and Kevin.  _ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  _ At this very moment, Eliot switched into prey animal mode. He’d been in situations like this before. It was always the same. Time seemed to slow down and Eliot’s mind was desperately searching for a way out. The hallway was blocked by the two bullies. The theater and the gym were probably locked and the only other possible way out was an emergency escape, that would trigger an alarm. Swiftly, Eliot took the only remaining way out. He opened the door to Ms.Simmons’ office and slipped in.

“Mr. Waugh?”, she said with her chipper english accent.

“Sorry, I-”, Eliot said, he was still coming down from the adrenaline high. What if Q walked into Martin and Kevin? Maybe, they wouldn’t hurt him. Maybe they’d come just for El. But what if they hurt him?

It would be like Taylor all over again.

Eliot swallowed, “I, uhm, just wanted to see if you were in. A friend- a friend of mine wants to hand in his play and we weren’t sure, if you were in the teacher’s lounge or in here, so- I’ll just wait outside.”

Ms. Simmons looked at him confused but nodded, “He has time to hand it in until noon.”

“I know, but he wanted to get it over with earlier.”, Eliot said, before sliding back out of the door. His hands were wet and trembling, when he looked up from his feet.

Kevin and Martin weren’t there. So why was he this upset? Why were his knees shaky and weak? There was no danger.

Despite that, Eliot felt his breath hitch, as his legs gave in. He slid down with his back against the wall and put his face in his hands. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there. It could have been seconds, it could have been years.

“Eliot?”, a weak and fragile voice asked. Q. 

“I-”

“Are- are you okay, hey-”, Quentin’s voice sounded almost as fragile as Eliot felt.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Eliot looked up and saw Quentin kneeling above him, his hands were hovering somewhere above Eliot’s shoulder, as if he was scared of touching him. 

“I was just- i don’t know- Everything went- I don’t know-”

Quentin nodded, as if everything Eliot had just said made perfect sense. As if he knew exactly what was going on, “I think, you have a panic attack.”

“No- I don’t-”

“It’s okay.”, Quentin sat down on the floor next to him.

Eliot could appreciate the gesture. He knew that Quentin was inviting him to share what had happened but Eliot wasn’t about to spill. He wasn’t ready to confess about abusive fathers and bullies.

After a while, Quentin stood up, “I- uhm- have to hand in my play and then- then I have math.”

Eliot nodded.

Quentin smiled weakly and offered El his hand to haul him up from the floor. Eliot reached out and let Q pull him up to his feet. He was surprisingly strong, Eliot couldn’t help but notice that. His hands were warm and soft. His grip was steady.

“Thank you.”

Quentin shrugged, causing his hair to slide in front of his glasses, “It’s okay. I-”, he started but then stopped.

For a moment the two of them just stood there, then Eliot cleared his throat, “We should probably hand in your play.”

“Yeah.”

Eliot was relieved that he was capable to put at least some kind of confidence into his posture, when they walked in the office of Ms. Simmons.   
“I see, you found your friend.”, she smiled at them kindly and then placed a hand on a spot on her desk, “Put the script here.”   
“It’s amazing.”, Eliot said, ignoring Quentin giving him a look, that clearly said:  _ You haven’t even read it. _

“I’m excited.”, Ms. Simmons smiled at them and looked at a test she was apparently working on, “I’ll be able to give feedback in a week or so.”

Quentin nodded, before he slowly put the script down, letting out an audible breath of relief. When Q looked up again, he was smiling at Eliot. For a moment, Eliot could just stand there and stare at the other boy. It felt like something was shifting. Or maybe, it had already shifted. Anyway, something was different. 

“Oh, you boys should be at class right now, shouldn’t you?”, Ms. Simmons asked and it felt as if a spell was broken.   
“Yeah.”, Eliot and Q said at the same time.

“Thank you, Ms. Simmons.”, Quentin said quickly.   
“Thank you, Mr. Coldwater. I’ll make sure that you get feedback as soon as possible.”

Quentin nodded and left the room.

“Bye Ms. Simmons.”, Eliot pressed out, before he followed his friend.

“I can’t believe, I actually handed it in,'' Quentin muttered.

“That’s pretty amazing.”, Eliot smiled softly.

“And scary.”

Eliot shook his head and placed a hand on Quentin’s shoulder. It was easy, because the other boy was very small. Or maybe, Eliot was very tall. He’d stopped trying to answer his own questions regarding height since starting High School, “It’s amazing Q, because you actually sat down and put effort into something: That is more than ninety-nine percent of the students at this school do. And that includes me.”

Quentin opened his mouth, but then he closed it without saying anything and nodded, “You’re right. Why don’t we have lunch later. To celebrate.”

Eliot grinned, “Lunch in celebration of the great Quentin Spielberg.”

“Wow, that was bad.”

“Stanley Q-brick.”

“El-”

Eliot gasped, “Francis Ford Coldwatta!”

Quentin grinned, “Stop it.”

“I mean, I don’t think I can top that anyway, so-”, Eliot nudged him in the side, “See you in the cafeteria?”

“Yeah.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eliot was running late. Mr. Cole had asked him to stay after class for a talk, which was never a good sign. Once he’d asked Eliot to stay, so that they could talk about a bruise on Eliot’s cheek. The worst thing was, that Mr. Cole had been right about his suspicion that his father had caused this one. The shame had been unbearable. Especially because Mr. Cole was actually pretty cute. Luckily, Eliot’s math teacher had believed him, when he’d blamed bullies and said that the school was already investigating.

Of course that had been a lie. The thing teachers never seemed to get was that asking them for help only made things so much worse. 

That being said, this time the request for a talk couldn’t be about a bruise. Eliot had gone a few weeks without a significant beating now, so that ruled it out.

“This is about your grades.”, Mr. Cole said softly.

_ Oh. Shit. _

Eliot stilled, “I know, they aren’t good.”

“They aren’t and that’s unusual for you. Very unusual.”

“I know, but I’m doing better in the other classes, it’s just here- I just struggle with math this year.”

“I know, but math is important.”, Mr Cole spoke the words every math teacher before him had said about a hundred times during their career.

“I know-”

Mr. Cole sighed, “Listen Eliot: I have a theory. I think that you could have the same perfect grades, you have everywhere. I’d just suggest that you put more effort into learning. It’s still early in the school year. I just wanted to get this out and give you a fair heads up. Your grades are perfectly fine for most students, but I know you can do better. And I know you want to go to college. So just- a little more effort is all I’m asking for.”

“I know. Thank you.”, Eliot said and ran a hand through his hair.

“No problem.”, Mr Cole said and then looked at his watch, “Now, it’s time for lunch, if I’m not mistaken.”   
Eliot nodded, “Yeah.”

“Then, I’ll allow you to get out of here before the Cafeteria is out of pizza.”, he said and smiled in a way that made Eliot blush most of the time. Not now though.

“Thanks.”, Eliot replied with an awkward wave, as if being allowed to have a break was actually a privilege.

Once he’d closed the door of the classroom behind him, Eliot jogged down the hallway. He was late and he didn’t want Q to believe that he was ditching him. Quentin was nervous enough because of the-

Eliot froze, his body and his mind coming to a full halt. He’d just rounded a corner and- ran into Martin and Kevin. Eliot was well aware that the usual human reaction to impending danger was fight, flight or freeze. The first option had never applied to him. Usually Eliot ran and on very rare occasions he found himself frozen like a statue. This was one of them.

“Look, who we have here.”, Martin said, his hair was as greasy as ever and Eliot could smell the cheap deodorant on him. He was the only boy at school who was taller than Eliot. Or Eliot was the least smallest boy compared to Martin. Either way, it was quite intimidating.

“Lil’ queer.”, Kevin sneered. He looked massive next to Martin. The two of them were like some cartoon duo. One tall and skinny the other one wide and small.

_ Don’t hurt them. _

Yes, they were probably about to beat him up, but Eliot couldn’t afford to kill someone again. The reason behind it was egoistic. He didn’t want to have another life on his conscience. 

“Dumb and dumber.”, Eliot pressed out and immediately hated himself for it. He’d never been able to walk past a fire without pouring gasoline in it.

“What did you just say?”

Martin’s fist connected with Eliot’s chin that very moment. The funny thing was, that Eliot only registered the pain after he was laying on the ground.

The first sensation he felt was his head banging against the locker, the next thing the heavy boots kicking into his stomach,  _ then _ he felt the fist that had knocked him off his feet in the first place.

After this the pain connected and turned into one big thing.

**The big Ouch. A big pile of pain.**

The good thing was, that the pain couldn’t get any worse.

_ Don’t hurt them. _

Martin and Kevin kicked Eliot again and again, for what could have been hours or days. 

_ Don’t hurt them. _

All Eliot tried to focus on was Quentin. Thinking about Q felt safe somehow. It was a thought that couldn’t lead to any -  _ Don’t hurt them. _ To any danger to Martin and Kevin.  _  
_ _ Don’t fucking hurt them. _

It was so easy to imagine the locker behind them fa-  _ Don’t hurt them. _

  1. He needed to focus on Q. Thinking about Quentin wasn’t just safe it was also easy. Eliot could think about him for a long time. He could claw his fingers into these thoughts and hold on. 



“Hey!”, a familiar voice yelled. Q. Eliot swallowed. He was doing well. Just by thinking about Q. Imagining, he’s here.

“Help!”, the voice yelled and then all of the sudden, there were less feet kicking Eliot into the stomach. Eliot looked up. Something hot and wet was running down his head. Might be blood, or spit, or both. Quentin was yanking Martin away. He was putting all of his tiny-person-strength into it.

“Q?”, Eliot asked, his voice weaker than he felt. 

Quentin and Martin were struggling. Q jumping on Martin’s back, yanking at his shirt. It was feral and somewhat fascinating. Like Q was a very angry, tiny backpack.

“Get off, me fucking fag-”, Martin grunted, his hands flying, “Kev, gimme a hand here!”

_ Maybe, hurting them wasn’t so bad. _

“What is going on here?”, Eliot blinked through his tears and looked up at Ms. Samuels, who had just stepped around the corner.

All of the sudden, the kicks to Eliot’s stomach stopped. Q let himself drop from Martin’s back.

“The little psycho beat up, Waugh. We wanted to help.”, Kevin said without hesitating.

“Bullshit.”, Eliot pressed out. Had he been tasting blood this entire time?

Ms. Samuels raised a brow, “Knowing the history of you two, I struggle to believe that. My office. Now.”

Groaning loudly, Kevin and Martin trotted away. Their complaints echoed through the corridor.

“Are you okay?”, Eliot felt a warm hand on his back and looked up at Quentin.

“Yeah.”

Ms. Samuels gently pressed Q aside, “You are bleeding- your head.”, she sighed and held out two fingers, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Two.”

She nodded, “I’ll still bring you to our nurse.”

“I’m fine.”

“You might be concussed, Eliot.”, Ms. Samuels sighed and looked at Quentin, “I’m gonna need you in my office too.”

“I want to stay with him.”

“First, I need to know what happened.”

Quentin opened his mouth to say something but then he sighed and nodded, “Okay, but when I’ve told everything-”

“Sure.”

Eliot gave Quentin a warm smile, “I’m fine.”

Q nodded and then, he walked down the corridor. Eliot wished he could have stayed with him. He hated being at the nurses office. 

He had ruined Quentin’s lunch. The thought came before he could assess any damage of his own body. Lunch had been supposed to be about Q and his play. It hadn’t been supposed to be like this.

With the help of Ms. Samuels, Eliot stood up, his knees shaky. He had a few cuts and he was sure that his stomach would bruise. Carefully, he ran his hand over his forehead. It came away red, but the wound itself didn’t hurt much. Probably just a cut.

There was spit in his hair, that couldn’t be his own.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Thirty minutes into the english period, Eliot left the nurse’s office. He wasn’t concussed and neither he nor Q would get into any trouble. Things were okay considering the circumstances. Things could have turned out much worse but still, Eliot felt the worst he’d felt in weeks. The cause of the pain wasn’t just the beating, it was the humiliation.

Gossip travelled fast at small schools like this. 

By now, everyone must already be fully aware of what had happened. That Eliot Waugh, the fag, the loser, the weirdo, had once again been beaten up. People would look different at him for a week or two now. And then, there was his father, who’d ask questions about his dirty clothes.

But the worst part was that Quentin had seen it.

Now, Quentin knew, who Eliot truly was. 

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Eliot opened the door of their english classroom. Immediately, twenty five heads looked up at El. Including Q’s. 

Quentin flashed Eliot a warm smile.

Not making eye contact with anyone but Q, Eliot walked towards the back of the classroom. He heard whispers and giggles but tried to ignore them. He shouldn’t care about what they said, even if he did.

Eventually, he reached his seat and sat down next to Quentin.   
“Are you okay?”, Q asked.

“Yeah, it’s just a cut. I’m fine.”

“Ms. Samuels believed me, when I told her what happened.”, Quentin said carefully. He seemed to be well aware that he was navigating a minefield here.

“I know, I was- I was at her office. After the nurse.”

Q nodded, “They shouldn’t have- I don’t think any different about you.”

Eliot looked up at Quentin and frowned. It was, as if he had read his mind. How had Quentin been able to pinpoint Eliot’s exact thoughts down like this?

It was almost scary.

Eliot nodded quickly, “What they said, it wasn’t true- I’m not a- What they said.”, Eliot was so scared of Quentin calling the lie, that he looked down at his hands as he said that. He hated lying to Quentin but he wouldn’t let Martin and Kevin out him to his only friend. Eliot had never considered outing himself to anyone. As of now, that included Quentin but there was a real possibility that he might actually do it some time in the future.

The very distant future.

When Eliot looked at Quentin again, the other boy was looking at him- no, he was looking through him.

“Q?”

“Yeah. Right.”, Quentin said quickly. He sounded as if he had been caught in the middle of doing something forbidden, “Of course- you- you aren’t.”

Eliot nodded quickly and then steered the topic into a less dangerous direction, “I’m sorry, that we couldn’t have lunch earlier.”

“It’s- it’s nothing to be sorry for. You were- They hurt you.”

“I’m fine.”

Quentin nodded and then reached for something in his backpack, “I actually wanted to give this to you at lunch.”, he put a few pieces of paper on the desk, “I wasn’t sure, what part would fit you best, so I gave you the whole thing.”

Eliot took the paper and looked at the first page.

_ Fillory and Further: The White Castle. A musical. _

_ Written by Quentin Coldwater _

“Q.”, Eliot said, because it was all, he was able to press out. Quentin had copied the whole thing for him, “I-I can’t wait to read it.”

“I want you to be prepared, when you audition. I mean, if Ms. Simmons likes my play.”

“Isn’t that kind of forbidden? I mean it gives me an advantage.”, Eliot said, raising a brow playfully. At that, his cut hurt a little.

Quentin blushed the tiniest bit and shrugged, “I haven’t been told,- so.”

“I’m kidding.”, Eliot grinned, “Thanks, Q.”

Quentin shrugged, not meeting Eliot’s eyes.

“I’ll try to read it tonight.”

“Would you like to practice?”, Quentin asked all of the sudden, looking up at Eliot.

“Like tomorrow during lunch.”

“I was thinking- After school?”, Q said, looking a little shy.

Eliot bit his lip, he’d like to say yes but there was always the issue of his father. There was no way, he would be okay with Eliot meeting someone after school. Especially not a boy. On the other hand, seeing Q after school or at the weekend sounded like a dream. Maybe, Eliot could make up a story that was believable enough.

“I don’t-”

“It’s okay, if you just want to practice here, I get it-”

“No, Q.”, Eliot said quickly, “It’s just- my- my family can be complicated. I’ll try to convince them to allow me to meet you, but-”

“I get it- it’s okay.”, Q looked at El with a raised brow. But it wasn’t just that, he looked at him with pity in his eyes. Eliot hated that. Hated it so much.

Looking down at his desk, Eliot shook his head, “I’ll see, if I can come up with something, okay? I’ll tell you tomorrow at school. When do you have time?”

“Maybe Saturday?”

“Sounds fine.”, Eliot replied. He already dreaded the conversation with his father, but if he actually joined the theater club this year, he’d soon have an unpleasant conversation anyway.

Quentin looked at Eliot and El was sure that the other boy wanted to say something but Q remained silent. 

There was something between them now. Eliot wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because Quentin had seen Eliot at his weakest, or because Eliot had kinda told him about his father. Anyway, Eliot felt like the reason for that tension was him letting his guards down. But Quentin still wanted to meet, so Eliot couldn’t have ruined their friendship completely.

“Hey, Q?”, Eliot asked after a moment.

“Yeah.”, Quentin looked at him and suddenly it was as if nothing had changed between them that day.

Eliot felt relief rushing through his body, “Never mind.” 

Everything was okay. Whatever Eliot thought had been going was clearly just in his head. He still had a friend. Nothing had changed. There was no tension between him and Q and that realisation felt somehow like one of the most important things in the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> El: Makes director puns.  
> Q (internal): Quentin Bi-gelow


	6. school's out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> mild homophobic language:  
> If you wanna skip, start at "I do have a friend. Now. And I want to visit him.” and stop at "It was the best lie, Eliot could come up with right now. He wasn’t sure, if it would work but he hoped so."  
> And start with: "Eliot knew that none of his brothers would help him if his father beat him up but despite that, he always felt a little safer around them." and stop with "Eliot ignored the comment and just nodded. He’d never been brave enough to speak back to his father and he wasn’t about to start now that he needed something from him."
> 
> Besides that mentioned child abuse at several parts.

“What the hell happened to you?”,Rafael asked, as Eliot climbed into his car. Eliot was not in the mood for a fight.

“I fell face first into Kevin’s and Martin’s fists.”

Rafael chuckled at that. Of course. Why had Eliot expected anything resembling sympathy from his big brother. It would have been a nice surprise though. Okay, maybe surprise was the wrong word. Rafael being nice to him wouldn’t have been a surprise it would have been a miracle.

Rafael sighed, “Dad is gonna be pissed.”

Yeah. That. Eliot swallowed and nodded, “I know.” 

Eliot clawed his finger into his bag and looked at his knuckles as they turned white, he had to figure a way out to meet Quentin this weekend.

“Hey, you meet friends sometime, right? Like at the weekend or something?”

Rafael shrugged, “Like a normal person.”

Eliot winced, “Yeah. Yeah. I want to visit a friend this Saturday.”

“You don’t have friends.”,Rafael laughed.

“I do have a friend. Now. And I want to visit him.”

“Oh. Him.”, Rafael grimaced, “So that you can blow him or what?”

“No. We are friends. You have male friends, so it’s not like-”

“I’m no queer.”

“Neither am I.”, Eliot said quickly, “My friend has a sister and she is cute, so I want to meet him and I also want to get close to her.”

It was the best lie, Eliot could come up with right now. He wasn’t sure, if it would work but he hoped so.

“Oh.”,Rafael replied and Eliot could hear in his voice, that he wasn’t entirely convinced of what he’d said, “Whatever, it’s not my business.”

Eliot nodded, “It isn’t, but I need your help.”

“What?”

“To convince Dad to allow me to go.”

“Why would I help you?”, Rafael asked, lighting a cigarette as they drove down the road that led out of town and towards the Waugh farm.

“You get my weekly time at our computer.”, Eliot said. Time at the shared computer was a valuable good. Usually Eliot used his time watching youtube videos or porn. Or both. He had no idea what his brother did with that time but it was probably similar to Eliot’s way of spending it. 

“Two weeks.”

“Fine.”, Eliot sighed, looking out of the window. It was all fields and more boring fields out here. How he hated it. He wanted to be anywhere but here. Maybe, he could get some stories about New York from Quentin. Eliot wanted to hear it all. He wanted to hear more of Quentin’s past in general. 

Rafael smirked, “I’ll figure a way out to convince our old man.”

“Thank you.”, Eliot said, letting out a breath of relief.

“But don’t get used to it.”

Eliot snorted. It was a good joke. He’d never get used to someone being nice to him. It was something that happened way too rarely to form a habit.

Rafael’s car slowly pulled up on the farm. Eliot knew that people usually felt safe, when they were home. This had never applied to him. Whenever he heard the familiar sound of the wheels of Rafael’s Camaro on the gravel in front of the Waugh farm, Eliot could feel his pulse spinking.

There was never a way to predict the mood their father might be in beforehand. To Eliot, there was always a risk that he’d end up being insulted or beaten up the moment he climbed out of the damn car. Sometimes, Eliot wondered if his older brothers had ever felt like that before their father had decided to choose Eliot as the family’s black sheep. He’d never dared to ask his older brothers how things had been before he was born. But he could guess their answer.

_ Better. _

Eliot had no idea when his family had started to hate him. Maybe, he’d already been hated the minute he'd been born. What Eliot knew was that he couldn’t remember a time, he’d ever felt loved by his family. Maybe that was the reason Eliot had always felt different. Or maybe, his family hated him because he was different.

Classic chicken versus egg problem.

“Let me talk to him.”,Rafael said, “Ask him about visiting your friend over dinner, alright?”

Eliot nodded, “Will do.”

“Good. I-”,Rafael stopped when their father walked out of the farm house.

“You are late!”

“Eliot was late.”,Rafael said.

_ Thanks asshole. _

“Of course he was.”, Eliot’s father said and spit into the hay by his feet. 

Eliot swallowed, “Sorry, Dad, I was-”

“What happened to your fucking face?”

“I got in a fight at school.”

“Someone beat you up again?”

Eliot nodded and looked down at the ground, “It wasn’t- I’m not in any trouble.”

“Are we gonna get a medical bill from school?”, Eliot’s father said, running a dirty hand down his face.

“No.”

“At least something.”, El’s father put down a hoe, he had been holding and pointed at Rafael, “Get inside of the barn and get the tractor.”

“Sure.”, Eliot watched Rafael jog towards the barns, leaving him alone with his father. Being alone with David Waugh was always scary. Eliot knew that none of his brothers would help him if his father beat him up but despite that, he always felt a little safer around them. 

“Eliot.”, his father started, “Do you know what an embarrassment you are? People in town will all say that the Waugh boy got beaten up again. Bad enough, that you don’t do shit on the farm and that you are a queer.”

“I’m not.”, Eliot said. It was like a reflex. Someone said queer, or gay, or- other words and Eliot would always say: ‘No’, ‘I’m not’ or something similar. 

His father shook his head, “You can say whatever you want. We all know what you are.”

Pressing his mouth shut, Eliot shrugged, “Can I-can I help somehow? On the farm?”

“Help in the kitchen. That suits people like you.”

Eliot ignored the comment and just nodded. He’d never been brave enough to speak back to his father and he wasn’t about to start now that he needed something from him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

To Eliot’s surprise, his father actually allowed him to visit Q. He had no idea what exactly Rafael had told him. Maybe, he wasn’t the only one in this family with weird abilities. Maybe this whole time Rafael had been some sort of mind controlling wizard.

Eliot wasn’t going to question that triumph tonight though. Instead, he climbed on the barn with his flashlight and opened the play Quentin had given him. 

Eliot was impressed by the pure size of the script. It was more than fifty pages and didn’t even include some parts that weren’t focusing on Martin, Jane or Rupert. Thinking about it, Eliot was sure that he’d audition for Rupert and not Martin. He felt like the role fit him better. Besides that, something about Martin in the books made him feel uncomfortable.

As Eliot looked through the pages, he discovered that Quentin hadn’t just written a simple play. Q had written a musical. Something about that made Eliot even more excited. He loved to sing and he was good at it. Eliot was well aware of that although he'd never sung in front of a crowd. Puberty had done wonders to his voice, that used to sound like nails on a chalkboard before. 

Now, it was actually nice to listen to Eliot when he spoke or sang. To sum it up: What Eliot lacked in practice, he knew he made up for with talent. At least in his opinion. Maybe, he should ask Q, what he thought of his singing. The thought made Eliot feel both anxious and excited.

With a smile playing around his lips, Eliot opened the script. It was basically the story of the first Fillory book but with songs and musical numbers added here and there. There were also a few other changes. Q had added some minor parts from other books and left out unnecessary plot at other places. The biggest difference was the end. Quentin had tied it up into an alternate ending instead of keeping the cliffhanger from the book. And damn, it was a really good ending. Q had nicely wrapped up all major conflicts and in a way, that actually made sense.

After spending an hour reading through the script, Eliot knew two things: Q had talent. Q had so much talent, it was hard to believe he’d never written a play before. There was no way this wouldn’t be chosen by Ms. Simmons. The second thing Eliot had realised was just how much he wanted to be in this play. It seemed like something he’d enjoy on every level and it would allow him to spend time with Quention, since he’d be the director. Thinking about it, it sounded like utter perfection. Spending the day with Q, acting, singing and having fun. He needed this. And that meant one thing: He’d have to practice his ass off. 

But Eliot could make it work. He could practice with Q this Saturday and he could practice alone in front of the mirror. Realistically there’d be like five or ten boys auditioning for the role. Not every one of them could have a good singing voice, acting talent and basic knowledge of the source material. Maybe the other boys, who’d audition were more experienced and starred in plays before but despite that, Eliot should stand a good chance against whoever wanted the role as well.

Eliot closed his eyes and smiled. Despite the bruise on his forehead and his father sleeping a few feet away, he was happy. For the first time in a long while, he felt like not everything in this world was utter shit.

~~~~~~

Saturday came faster than Eliot had expected. 

When Eliot had seen Quentin at school Thursday and Friday, he’d spend the whole two days praising the play. Because of that, Quentin’s face had turned the prettiest shades of pink and red. Bashful Quentin was a side of his friend, Eliot hadn’t seen before but he definitely liked seeing him like this.

And just like that it was Saturday. Weekends at the Waugh family were unlike those of most American families. There was no time for sleeping in. Actually, Eliot always had to get up earlier on weekends compared to a school day. Saturdays were usually for farm work and nothing else. Sundays were for farm work, church and more farm work. 

And even though Eliot had been allowed to visit Quentin this day, he would never be able to avoid helping on the farm. 

So Eliot had to endure six hours of work at the farm, before he finally got on his bike and left for Quentin’s house. Q had given him the address this Friday. Eliot had a vague idea, where the house should be. Bennet road, corner fifth was somewhere in the Northern part of the town, which meant that Eliot had a good thirty minutes of biking ahead. If he hurried. 

Eliot wasn’t a big fan of biking. Whenever he rode down the street that led towards their farm, he could smell the dung and hay the whole time. It was even worse, when he biked back home. When he came from somewhere in the town and was greeted by the familiar but dreaded scents. It felt like a slow descent. Like a painfully slow return to a cruel reality. That would have been okay if Eliot would at least feel good, whenever he left the farm. But that wasn’t the case because Eliot was always aware that he’d have to return eventually. The air in town may have smelt different but Eliot always felt like the stink of the farm stuck to his clothes, his hair, his very essence. There was no soap that could ever rub that off. He was tainted forever. All Eliot could hope for was that one day, it wouldn’t be the very first thing, people saw, when they looked at him. Someday, he wanted to stop being Eliot Waugh, the farm boy, he wanted to be Eliot Waugh, the actor, the singer, the designer. Fabulous, spectacular, popular. Dreaming about his future always felt like a dangerous and delicate thing. It was an escape from the cruel and ugly reality but it also promised disappointment. Dreams were only beautiful until you were confronted with reality. It didn’t stop Eliot from daydreaming, while he was on the way to Quentin’s house. He imagined standing on their school’s small theater stage. Singing, dancing, acting. He imagined Q smiling up at him so proud of El and of his own play. And Eliot imagined his parents and brothers applauding him and looking up proudly.

  
Eliot was so lost in his dream, that he missed Quentin’s house. He only registered the number in the corner of his eyes and it took a few moments for the information to reach his conscious brain. When it did, Eliot turned around and drove back a few feet, before jumping of his bike and leaning it against a tree in the front yard.

The house Q lived in was small. To be fair, most townhouses were fairly small in Eliot’s eyes. Having a big house, may be one of the few upsides of living on a farm. What Eliot immediately noticed was that it looked homey. There was some kind of charme to it. Like the house was hugging everyone who walked by and invited them in. It was hard to put into words but Eliot felt safe and comfortable here. As far as living in small towns went, this didn’t seem to be so bad.

Eliot took a shaky breath, when he walked up to the emerald green door of the house. Before this moment, he hadn’t really considered that meeting Q outside of school could also mean meeting his parents. El was well aware that not everyone’s father was a colossal dick but he was still nervous, thinking about Q’s Dad. At least Eliot was well aware that he had Daddy issues by the tender age of sixteen. 

To Eliot’s surprise, the door opened before he had the chance to knock. Quentin was smiling at him with a wide grin, “Hey.”

“Did you wait for me behind the door?”

“I-I wasn’t- I was just, you know, in the kitchen and saw you through the window.”

Eliot smiled at his friend, “Don’t be ashamed, if I’d be expecting me as a visitor, I’d also be waiting anxiously for my arrival.”

“You are such a-”, Quentin started but then he just smiled, “Come on in.”

Eliot gave him a sly grin and then, he stepped inside. He allowed himself a lot of time to clean his shoes on the carpet in front of the door, before he entered. 

Inside, the house smelled like wool and candles. The most prominent smell however was the smell of paper and ink. It smelt like books. And therefore the

house smelt like Q. Maybe that was part of the reason, Eliot felt immediately at home here. The house was nicely furnished but homey and clean, it was unlike the Waugh farm in that regard. Q’s house had framed pictures on the wall and books lying around everywhere. Eliot could see scented candles and little stitched napkins on the dining table. Somehow, this seemed like the natural habitat of a creature like Quentin. It was as if this boy with his long sleeved sweaters and big glasses, could only naturally exist in such a space. This house was lovely. Quentin was lovely.

Quentin was lovely.

Eliot forced the thought out of his head. He shoved it somewhere into a cold and distant part of his mind, put a lock on it and tossed it away. 

  
“El?”, Quentin asked.

“Huh?”

“Do you want water or soda or something?”, Quentin asked. He navigated in here so easily.

_ Of course, he does. It’s his house, you idiot. _

“Please.”

Q raised a brow, his glasses, wiggling a bit from the move, “Please water or please soda?”

“Water. Do you have carbonated water?”

Quentin nodded, as Eliot fought the urge to reach out and fix his glasses, “Good.”, then he lowered his voice, “I have cookies in my room, but don’t tell my Dad.”

“I won’t.”, the mention of the D word made Eliot twitch nervously and he hoped Q hadn’t noticed it.

“Good.”, Quentin disappeared behind a corner and reappeared a moment later with a bottle of water and two glasses in his hands, “Okay, uhm, my room’s upstairs, so just follow me. And be careful not to step on Jane.”

“Jane?”

“Our cat.”

Eliot smiled softly, his insides curled with adoration for how nerdy Quentin actually was, “After Jane Chatwin?”

“Yeah.”, Q said and he sounded slightly ashamed, “She has this spot on her back, that looks like Jane’s jacket and-”

“You don’t have to justify anything. It’s cute.”, Eliot said and immediately went hot and cold at the same time, “I mean, it’s cute. A cat being called Jane. And with a lil’ Jane-Chatwin-Jacket thingy.”. Eliot felt damn happy, that Q couldn’t see his face at this very moment. 

Quentin shrugged and lead the way upstairs, “Anyway be careful not to step on her. She’s like super lazy and loves to fall asleep everywhere.”

“That’s very un-Jane.”, Eliot commented.   
“Well, we did name her for the spot not for her character.”

“That’s fair enough. One day, I aspire to be known for my clothes not my character.”, Eliot joked lightly.

Q turned around after he reached the top of the stairs, “You could also be known for your clothes  _ and  _ your character. Dream big, I guess?”

“Always.”, Eliot grinned.

Quentin gave him a light smile, then he walked down the narrow hallway, “It’s a little messy, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Nah it’s fine.”, Eliot said and then walked in, stopping halfway through the door, “You call that messy?”

Quentin’s room was perfectly cleaned up and in order. There was a bed right under the window with one big fluffy pillow and thin blanket with them emblem of Fillory on it, a small kitten snoring top of the pillow, like it was her throne. On the opposite side of the bed was a small desk with a comfy looking arm chair. The rest of the space in the room was taken up by a beanbag, a wardrobe and two large bookshelves. Eliot was astonished by how much personality this room had. There were Fillory posters on the walls and the book shelves were filled with Fillory, Lord of the Rings and Narnia books. 

Q gestured for Eliot to sit down on the beanbag and smiled, “You can sit there, if you want, I don’t have that much space in here.”

El nodded, his eyes still taking in, every nerdy detail of the room. He was so charmed by it. This was the room of someone who showed every visitor who he truly was. It was astonishing.

When Eliot sat, down he noticed a small framed photo on Quentin’s desk. It was him with a little brunette girl, both of them smiling and obviously dressed as Martin and Jane Chatwin. Next to said photo was a small note with the words:  _ Hold on Q. Love, J  _ written on it.

“That’s Jules and me.”, Q said, following Eliot’s eyes, “Julia, my friend in New York.”

Eliot noticed Quentin fidgeting a little nervously with his sleeve. There was something about Eliot discovering the photo that made him uncomfortable, “You miss her.”, El asked carefully, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping boundaries. But he wanted Q to be trusting him. And he wanted to help if there was any problem. That felt like something friends did. Help each other.

“Yeah.”, Quentin said and then he eyed Eliot for a moment. As if he was seeing him for the first time, “I was- I was in- kind of a bad place, before I came here. Mentally I mean and she helped me through it. I was so mad when we moved.”   
“I’d be mad too, if I had to move here from New York.”, Eliot said, trying to make it sound lightly.

“It’s not that.”

“I know. I was joking. Sorry.”,

Q smiled, “Yeah, yeah, I know you were. I’m just so tired of it all sometimes.”

“I know the feeling.”

“I doubt you do.”

Eliot shrugged and ran his fingers down his chest, pretending to straighten his shirt, “Just- just believe me, when I say, that I know how much everything can suck sometimes. You feel like there’s nothing worth caring about.”

“But not always.”, Quentin said softly.

“Not always.”

  
  


Quentin reached under his bed and pulled out a little jar, “Do you want a cookie?”

“Yeah.”

Quentin pulled a slightly burnt little thing out of the jar and grinned, “It’s from Jules. She’s improving and they aren’t as bad as they look.”

Eliot nodded. Quentin had a friend, who apparently more than once, sent him home made cookies halfway across the country. This was a level of commitment to another person Eliot had never believed to be possible. He felt a strange burn of jealous at the thought of a pretty brunette in the photo sending Quentin cookies.

“Is she- are you-?”

“No, we are just friends.”, Quentin shrugged.

“Ah.”, Eliot nodded, suddenly realising that he was a little stiff, carefully he took a bite of the cookie and grimaced. It wasn’t actually that bad. Ugh.

“And?”

“It’s good.”, Eliot pressed out.

Quentin grinned proudly, a smile widening across his face, then he reached out to wipe some crumbs away from his mouth, using the long sleeve of his shirt, “So, do we, uhm, wanna practice the play?”


	7. a ballad of two lost souls

After he was done with his cookie, Quentin settled down on the floor next to Eliot. He put a few pillows on the ground, so that they could sit here comfortably. Then Quentin lifted Jane up from the bed and placed her on his lap, where she continued to snore softly. She was an adorable kitty. Somehow Eliot enjoyed being able to just watch as Quentin flipped through the pages of his script searching for a good scene.

“So have you decided on a role yet?”, he asked, licking his finger to flip a page. For a moment, Eliot struggled to answer, “I-”, he started, “Yeah. Rupert. I think he fits better, I don’t know.”

“I think so too.”, Quentin shrugged, “To be honest, I had you in mind, whenever I wrote his parts.”

“Really?”

Quentin’s hand stilled, “I mean, uhm, obviously only after we met, because- But yeah.”

Hoping that he wasn’t blushing too hard, Eliot nodded, “So, I was kinda born for the role. No, wait. The role was born for me.”

“You have to ask Plover about that.”, Q said and opened a page, “Do you think this scene will work? I think it's the one I’d choose to have students audition with.”

Eliot let his eyes wander over the paper. It was Rupert’s reaction upon entering Fillory the first time around. He’d been more than sceptical and very protective over his younger siblings. Eliot figured that it wasn’t the hardest scene when it came to showing his acting abilities but he could see why Q had chosen it. The scene was important for testing the chemistry between the three siblings and it showcased some of the basic aspects of every main character's personality. Martin’s shyness and determination, Jane’s curiosity and wit, Rupert’s bravery and compassion.

“I can see why you’d choose it.”, El said.

Q inclined his head a little, “But you would prefer a different scene.”. It wasn’t a question.

“I don’t know, it’s not the best scene to show one's acting chops.”

“It’s only for the second round of casting.”, Quentin said, “The first will be a solo scene.”

“Right, then maybe, we can start practicing there? What’s the first scene?”

“It’s-”, Quentin started and all of the sudden he was so quiet and his voice sounded so small, “It’s a scene close to the end of the play. I actually think, it wasn’t in the version, I handed you.”

“Okay?”

“It’s the scene, where Rupert tells Jane that he’s in love.”

Eliot sat there for a moment. For some reason these words should cause something within him, but they didn’t. Not for a bit at least.

“Oh.”, he said suddenly, swallowing, “You found the note.”

“Yeah. And I think, that you are right.”, Quentin said, his eyes on his script, while his hands played with his hair.

Eliot shrugged, “I mean there’s nothing in the later Fillory books to support this theory, so I don’t know.”

Quentin nodded and adjusted his glasses, “I know that but there’s also nothing that debunks it and I for one think, it sounds pretty valid actually.”

Reaching out to pet Jane, Eliot nodded, “And did you write a love interest for Rupert in the play?” If he was being honest Eliot was pretty indifferent regarding that issue. He wasn’t really looking forward to kiss some random girl on stage, on the other hand, kissing a girl in public might help his bullying problem. Maybe.

“No.”, Q said, putting the script down and shoving it over to Eliot, “I don’t know, I just felt like it would be weird to make a character up like that.”

“Authors are doing exactly that all the time.”

“I’m not really an author.”

“I don’t agree on that.”, Eliot said lightly and then raised a brow, “Don’t tell me, you haven’t started a novel somewhere.”

Q shrugged and Eliot couldn’t really tell if it was a defeated ‘No’ or a defeated ‘Yes’ kind of shrug.

He held Q’s gaze for a moment, then he picked up the script and started to read the scene Quentin had opened up for him.

**Jane runs after Rupert. She is a little out of breath**

**Jane: Rupert, wait!**

**Rupert turns around. He is angry but tries to hold it back.**

**Rupert: What?!**

**Jane: Why are you so upset about never being able to leave Fillory? I mean look around.**

**Jane gestures around the room, twirling and smiling. She is obviously still awed by the castle.**

**Rupert: It’s not that easy for all of us.**

**Jane: Why?** **  
** **Rupert looks at her and there is pain in his eyes**

**Rupert: Because there are people I care about, sister. People I care about beyond this portal tree.**

**Jane stops twirling and she turns more serious**

**Jane: Who?**

**Rupert shakes his head and turns around again. He doesn’t want to look his sister in the eye.**

**Rupert: It’s complicated. But there’s a person I love and now I can’t go back. This is all- This is all too much, Jane. How can I be a decent king, if I left someone who cares about me alone on earth? How can I be a decent king, if I keep letting people down?**

Eliot stopped reading and looked up at Q, “This is really good.”

“You think so?”

Eliot nodded, “Can we- can we practice that scene?”

Quentin smiled, “Sure, I’ll do Jane’s lines.”

“Thanks.”, Eliot took a shaky breath. What if he wasn’t as good, as he considered himself to be? What if he embarrassed himself in front of Q? Then he shook his head, no. He was Eliot Waugh. He was actually good at some things.

Quentin stood up, putting Jane on the ground. The kitten looked at him offended and then climbed onto the bookshelf.

“Come on.”, Quentin said and reached out to haul Eliot up from the ground. Eliot reached out, not really considering that their hands would touch the very next moment. Somehow he was taken aback by it. Q’s warm hands gripping him and pulling him up. It felt as if time stood still for a short moment. As if the whole world had narrowed down to Eliot’s and Q’s hands touching and gripping each other. After Eliot was on his feet, they stood there for a moment, holding hands. It was way too long not to be awkward.

Eventually Q let go and cleared his throat, “I- we- I- Are you ready?”

Eliot nodded, his throat felt sore somehow and he felt so, so weird. As if he’d just been woken up from some strange dream and he was still trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t.

“Okay, okay, good.”, Q said and then walked towards the other end of his small room, “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

_ “Rupert, wait!”, Quentin yelled at the appropriate room volume. It was obvious that he wasn’t the best actor. Something about his delivery was stiff and a bit apathetic. _

_ “What?!”, Eliot turned around and tried to imagine being Rupert Chatwin. He tried to imagine that he was in Fillory and in Castle Whitespire and that there was someone he loved and someone who loved him worlds away. He barked the word but at the same time, he held back, because this was his sister. And he was playing a boy from a family where mutual love had actually been a thing. _

_ “Why are you so upset about never being able to leave Fillory? I mean look around.”, Q said and twirled which was strangely adorable and challenged Eliot to suppress a grin. _

_ “It’s not that easy for all of us.”, Eliot said, his voice dropping low, his eyes wandering around, fast blinking to suppress tears. _

_ “Why?” _

_ Eliot looked at Quentin, focusing a little on the reflections of sunlight on his hair, hoping they were bright enough to make him tear up a little, “Because there are people I care about, sister. People I care about beyond that portal tree.” _

_ Q stopped the playful demeanor, “Who?” _

_ Eliot shook his head, turning around, his eyes instantly searching for the sunlight, looking at it unblinking, “It’s complicated. But there’s a person I love and now I can’t go back. This is all-”, Eliot turned around. Proper tears formed in his eyes and now, struggling to hold them back was the easy part, “This is all too much, Jane. How can I be a decent king, if I left someone who cares about me all alone on earth? How can I be a decent king, if I keep letting people down?” _

After Eliot was done with the line he realised how strange he was feeling. He was still inside of that character, who felt deeply miserable but at the same time the real Eliot was so happy. In fact, he was happier than he had been in a long time. He loved acting, and he was doing it with his best and only friend and it was- It was just so much fun. He really wanted Q’s script to win. He needed Q’s script to win.

“You are amazing.”, Q said, putting down his script, “I mean, you were great!”

Eliot could feel the blood, wandering through his cheeks, leaving them pink and red, “I don’t know, I mean-”

“No. You were really good.”

“Thank you.”

Quentin smiled at him, “Honestly, I don’t think anyone will be able to play that scene any better.”

If Eliot were a more modeste boy, he’d ask Q to stop complimenting him but he wasn’t. Besides that, he wasn’t used to receiving compliments. He’d cherish those he got all the more.

Q grinned a wide grin and leaned down to retrieve the cookie jar from under the bed, “You’ve earned that.”, he said and tossed one of the Julia-made cookies over to El.

“Thanks.”, Eliot said, taking a big bite. Yeah, they definitely didn’t taste so bad. 

“This was fun.”, Q said after both of them just chewed for a few moments.

Eliot nodded, “It was.”

“And you are sure, you’ve never acted before?”

“I mean, I have. In front of my mirror. I used to memorize scenes from my favorite shows and then I practiced them there.”

Q nodded, “I think, it’s different though. Like in front of people.”

“I’m not nervous in front of crowds.”

“Then there’s a big difference in front of us.”

Eliot laughed, “When we are done with the play, you’ll do what every director should do and get on that damn stage to get your applause. And if you say no, I’ll drag you.”

“If my play wins-”

“It will win!”

Quentin rolled his eyes, “If my play wins, I’ll consider going on stage, okay?”

Eliot squinted, not sure, if what Quentin said was true but then he nodded and smiled, “Good enough.”

They sat there for an hour talking about Fillory and basically everything. Eventually Eliot noticed that while they talked a lot, they didn’t really share anything substantial with each other. That was mostly okay but Eliot would have liked to get to know Q a little better, but he wasn’t gonna be the one to push this issue. If Q shared, El would have to share. He’d be ready to confess a thing or two but he wasn’t eager about it.

“So can you sing?”, Quentin asked after a moment. The question came out of nowhere. Moments before, they’d talked about the government structure of Fillory. 

_ Yes, this had also been Eliot's nerdiest talk ever. _

“Yeah.”

“Prove it.”

Eliot squinted, “Now?”

Q shrugged, “Why not?”

“There’s no music.”

Quentin shrugged and got up from the floor, walking over to a corner of his room. Only now, Eliot saw a small radio standing there.

“I don’t have any instrumental versions of the songs, but-”, Q shrugged, “I’ve made my own CD with the songs that are used in the play.”

“Cool.”

Q shrugged, “It’s not really hard.”

“Q? Can I tell you something?”, Eliot asked and felt his hands getting wet.

“Yeah.”

Eliot swallowed, “I live on a farm.”

Quentin just stared at him, not shocked or disgusted, just confused. Eliot knew that reaction all too well. No one ever really knew the horrors of that confession. Why should Q be any different? Why had he told him?

“Okay?”

“It’s”, Eliot said and then shook his head, “It’s not romantic or anything. I think many people believe farm life is romantic and that may be the case if you have like- a handful of chickens and one cow or something. We plant soy and it’s so- it’s boring and there’s so much dung and I hate it so much.”

“I get that dung isn’t fun.”, Quentin said, his hand on one of the buttons of the radio.

“When I was a kid in elementary school, I had this friend. I had him over and then the next day, he told the whole school, that I stink and that my house stinks. I don’t think I've ever fully noticed that before but since then, it’s kinda- always there.”

“That must suck.”

Eliot was thankful that Q had said that. He was thankful that he hadn’t tried sugarcoating it. He just gave Eliot the feeling of being understood.

“It did.”

“I don’t think, I’d mind.”, Q shrugged.

“Nah, nothing against you but I don’t think it's a good idea for you to come over to my place.”, Eliot said. His father would hate it.

For a moment, Quentin was silent, then he sighed and looked at the window, “I was institutionalised before I came here.”

“What?”

“I was at a psychiatric hospital. Actually I’ve been to many.”

Eliot wasn’t sure how to respond. He hadn’t expected this. There was nothing about Q that would have given that away. He knew that the thought was dumb, because there was nothing about any person that screamed ‘mental hospital’, yet it surprised Eliot.

“Why?”

Q still didn’t look at him, “Depression,  aspergers .”

El had no idea what  aspergers was but he could understand depression. For a moment, he wondered if that was the reason Q always wore long sleeved shirts. It was a thought, Eliot didn’t really like to chew on though.

“I’ve had- I know what depression feels like. I mean, I’m not sure. My Dad doesn’t believe in therapists. I was never diagnosed with depression but I think, I- you know.”

Q looked at Eliot and it was, as if he was looking through him. It wasn’t uncomfortable though. Eliot felt known. Understood.

“I guess, we are both pretty fucked up.”

Eliot laughed, “Yeah.”

Quentin smiled and then he pressed play on the radio.

Eliot recognized the first few moments of the song immediately. They were from one of the songs, Q had put into his play.

One of them was called “Storm Coming”. 

Rupert was supposed to sing this song as he prepared himself for a fight, after he’d found out, Jane had been stabbed with a cursed knife. Eliot could actually sing that one. If fit his voice perfectly.

But for some reason Eliot couldn’t open his mouth, the moment, he was actually supposed to sing. He wasn’t nervous. There was just- The last time, he’d sung, his father had punched him. Bad.

Now, whenever Eliot was about to open his mouth to sing, he saw his angry face in front of his eyes. He could taste the blood and feel the bruises.

And it stopped him from singing. That was the worst part of it. That somehow his father actually had managed to keep him from doing what he loved. He knew that he couldn’t allow that to happen but it still-

“El?”, Quentin asked and somehow, the song had almost run through all the way. 

“I can sing. I’m not nervous.”

Q nodded, “I-I get it. And you don’t have to sing now. But if my play is chosen, you’ll need to sing at the auditions.”

“I know that. I can do it.”, Eliot said. He hoped, that he wasn’t lying to Q right now.

Q smiled softly and the paused, “So do you wanna try again?”

“Yeah.”

With a smile, Quentin reached out and pressed play again,” I won’t judge you, no matter what, okay?”

“I know.”

“Good.”

_ I, I, I, I can paint a picture with a pen  
But a song will only scratch the skin  
And there are still places I haven't been  
Because I know what's in there  
Is already in the air  
Oh yeah  
There's a storm on the way  
There's a storm on the way  
All right  
There's a storm on the way, yeah  
Uh huh  
And it's coming no matter what I say  
Oh  
Here I come, I come, I come, I come  
Hey, hey, hey  
There's truth in the thunder  
Love in the lightning  
The feeling is frightening  
But isn't it exciting  
I'm something like stormy weather  
If I weren't we'd never  
Huddle together  
Do I have to tell ya  
That I'm also the sunlight  
That shines shortly after  
I just rain 'cause I have to  
On to other chapter  
I wish you lots of laughter  
Till the next time you see me  
Just remember you need me. _

“That was really.”, Q said and smiled at him, “That was really, really good.”

“Really?”

Quentin nodded, “You have an amazing voice.”

Blushing a little, Eliot smiled at him, “I know.”

“Just wow.”, Quentin grinned and ran a hand through his hair, “I expected you to be good, but wow.”

Eliot blushed, he wasn’t used to receiving compliments from other people, “Stop.”, he said and he actually meant it.

“Right.”, Q said and smiled softly, “Anyway, it was-”, he stopped again and then looked at his watch, “When do you have to be home again?”

Eliot frowned and walked over to Q, so that he could look at his watch as well. Doing so, he leaned over the smaller boys shoulder. Q’s hair smelled so good. Eliot couldn’t really say what it smelt like, but he loved it. For a moment, that was all there was. Eliot inhaling Q’s scent. Just that.

“El?”

“Right. Fuck. In ten minutes.”, Eliot swallowed, he wouldn’t be able to ride home in ten minutes.

“Oh.”

“Listen, Q, this was fun and I really hope I can come over again but I need to head home now, or that chance gets very slim.”, Eliot said, already leaving Quentin’s room and jogging down the stairs.

“Sure.”, Quentin said, following him, “See you at school?”

“Yeah, yeah. See you Monday.”

Eliot’s whole body ached, when he arrived at the Waugh farm. He was tired and exhausted but only ten minutes late. He’d never rode home this fast before. Maybe, his father hadn’t noticed. Maybe, he would be okay with Eliot just being ten minutes late. Eliot rolled his bike in the shed and then sneaked in the farmhouse.

“You’re late!”, his father said from where he was sitting at the kitchen table.

“I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”

“Why?”

Eliot shrugged, “I-uhm- my friend has a sister and we kinda- We were kinda, you know, making out.”

Eliot’s father raised a brow and it was as if time had frozen. If he believed El, he might actually be allowed to see Q again. If his father didn’t believe him, he’d get into trouble for being late and for lying.

That usually meant that Eliot was in for a beating.

“A girl?”

Eliot nodded slowly. There was no backing out now anyway.

“I- I- she’s nice.”

“Nice.”

Putting his hands on his hips, Eliot nodded, “Yeah. I, uhm, I still have some homework, so if you don’t mind, I’ll go upstairs and work on that.”

“Fine.”, his father wasn’t fully convinced but Eliot would take that for now.

Upstairs in his room, Eliot immediately reached for the Fillory and Further book, he was currently reading. It was still hidden safe behind his book shelf. He didn’t feel like doing anything but read. His mind was still trying to understand what happened this day. How close he’d felt to Quentin, as if they’d known each other for ages.

And he’d actually opened up. He’d opened up and so had Q and it was all confusing but at the same time, it was all wonderful and it all made sense. 

Feelings had never been easy for Eliot. Neither his own nor those of other people. He had always felt like he’d had too much of them, too much joy, too much pain, too much hurt, too much sadness. At the same time, Eliot had always felt forced to navigate around the feelings of other people. Avoid his family, when they were angry or sad, avoid the people at school when they were angry, or sad- or too happy. It was a minefield and Eliot had learnt to navigate on it. Around Quentin it felt like an unnecessary skill though. Like he was allowed to have too many feelings and like he was allowed to talk to Q, even when he was having too many feelings. And it also felt, as if Eliot didn’t have to worry about Q being too sad or too angry or too happy.

He could just stop using the methods, protecting him around everyone else. And only now, Eliot realised how exhausting it had really been to have every protective measure in place, that ensured his survival.

Maybe, he’d have to continue like this until he was eighteen but being able to exist without- or with considerably less need to worry, around Q for just a few hours of the day was a relief.

_ That night, Eliot dreamt of Q. He dreamt of two moons. No, he dreamt of one moon and then suddenly, there was a second one. Poof.  _ _   
_ _ “We are in-”, Q’s familiar voice said and Eliot knew how that sentence was gonna end way before the other boy spoke, “Fillory.” _

_ Eliot nodded. _

_ “We could be the new kings!” _

_ I̵͎͛ ̶̗̩͝ḑ̶̣̩̉͘u̴̫͌̽̒ͅb̶̫̓ ̸̙͉̼̈́t̵͙̱̠̄̑h̶̜̥͂̚e̴̛̼͙͚̓̚e̶͙̾̕͜͜͠ ̸̬̃̓Ḫ̴̱̆i̴̼̮̭͗̚͝ĝ̷̱h̴̡̫̔̍ ̸̛̳̄K̵̟͖̕ͅi̸͉͇͉͋̕n̶̟̗̰͐g̸͉̩̿̄ ̶̧͔͖̏Ë̷̛̖̪̩́̽l̴̯͋̑̃͜ͅi̷͓̦̊̈́̈́ỏ̷̙̗͊̌t̷̞͂͂̒,̷̰͐̄ ̶͕̹͆̈ť̴͎̜h̶̘͉͔̓e̴̻͒ ̴͖͈͇̒s̴͎̠͇̆p̵̢̛̿̂ê̴̩̣̩c̶̭͎̼͆͛̊t̴̬̘̘͗͋ã̵̢̖̮ċ̴̤͇ǔ̶̦̙l̵̘͠͝ḁ̵̜̘̇̔r̷͓̯̈́.̵͉̳̈́̿ _

_ Suddenly there was a third moon. _

Eliot woke up, gasping for air. He was sweaty and his head was pounding. He reached out and grabbed a piece of paper. There was a single word stuck in his head, a single name but he could already feel himself getting tired. So tired. He wrote down the name and the next moment, he fell asleep again.

When Eliot woke up the next morning, he was confused. He was holding a piece of paper in his hand a single word written on it.

**Margo**

Eliot had no idea what that meant but somehow it felt important. At least, it felt important to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: So there’s a mistake in this chapter. Q said he’s already been to mental hospitals, when in canon he went the first time, when he was 16, let’s just ignore canon here *cough*
> 
> I wanna tell you guys now, that Margo note doesn’t have actual plot importance. I mean that there’s not gonna be a big search for Margo or something. I know, it’s kinda set up this way, but I wanted to end this chapter here. The idea is basically that there was a glitch in the kinda ‘simulation’ El is in, when he remembered Q's speech. I really love El’s and Margo’s friendship so her name is just supposed to show their connection to each other. Like the memory of her name kinda glitched through as well.


	8. fillory and further: the white castle

By the end of the following week, Quentin found out that his play had won. Apparently, it beat the other competition by far. It wasn’t a surprise to Eliot. It turned out there had only been four scripts, one was a prank one only containing the word ‘fart’, the other one was some weird cats adaption, the third, and apparently second best, was Les Mis.

Eliot had to admit it: In another world he might have been tempted to try out for that one as well.

But now it was gonna be Q’s ‘Fillory and Further: The White Castle, a musical adaption’. 

Eliot was sure he'd never seen Quentin happier than he looked now. In fact, he was sure that he’d never seen a person happier than his friend was now. It was hard to make a connection between this Q and the depressed boy, Quentin had told him about the other day.

“I can’t believe it.”, Q said for the 5000st time this day.

“I do.”, Eliot replied. The first hundred times, he had tried to pretend that he was surprised as well, but by now, he was tired of it.

Quentin shook his head, “I mean, I can’t-”

“It’s an amazing play. And this is a High School production, calm down. It’s not like the competition was strong.” Eliot immediately hated how he had said this, “And even if there was more competition. Your play’s genius.”

Q raised a brow but said nothing, “I know, I annoy you with this.”

“I don’t think you could ever annoy me.”, Eliot said, “But you are getting close, I’ll tell you that.”

“Casting is next week already.”

“Really?”

Q nodded, “You’ll ace it. I’m sure.”

Eliot shrugged, “I mean, I wouldn’t bet money on it but I’ll do my best.”

“I know that you hate how insecure I am about my play. So let me just say, I hate how insecure you are about your acting.”

Eliot smiled at that, “Sounds fair.”

Q shook his head, “Just be confident, when you are standing on that stage.”

“I never lacked self confidence. My problems lie elsewhere.”

Quentin nodded and waited a moment, before he asked, “Where?”

“Secret.”

Q shrugged, “I want to say something. I’ve been meaning to- I wanted to say it this whole time. This is not gonna be a moment, where I tell you a deep secret about me and expect you to share one in return, alright?”

Eliot nodded slowly and leaned over the table, so that Q could whisper, “Okay.”

“I started writing the play, while I was in a mental hospital. I moved from there directly here.”

“Why? Do- do mental hospitals have theater clubs as well?”, Eliot asked, feeling immensely dumb for that. His idea of psychiatric hospitals was a hundred percent built on impressions from movies and tv shows and he knew these were mostly not doing the real places justice.

“No.”, Q shook his head, “I don’t- it started as this idea- To give myself some sort of purpose and to keep myself busy. But it became more.”

“When you came here?”

“Yeah. I started to believe- I think, I want to be a screenwriter when I’m grown up. Or at least an author but I like the idea to write for movies, shows or theaters. There’s just so many bad writing out there that ranks from being sloppy to being offensive and harmful to certain groups. I want to- I think, I can do it better.”

Eliot nodded, carefully weighing his next words. He wanted to say that he was sure Q could make the world a better place with his writing, he was sure of that. The problem was phrasing it in a way, that didn’t sound like him just saying that to be nice, “From what I read, I think, there’s a good chance you can do exactly that. I have no idea how you can get into this kind of business though.”

“What do you want to be later?”

Eliot swallowed. There were many answers. An actor, a singer, a designer, popular, free, rich and happy were only the first things he could come up with, “My Dad probably wants me to stay on the farm.”

“What do you want?”

For someone as withdrawn and silent as Q, it was shocking how perceptive he was.

“I want to be able to be what I want.”

Quentin smiled and nodded, “That sounds like a nice plan.”

“I’m not sure, if you are making fun of me, Coldwater.”

“Neither am I.”

Eliot smiled at Quentin and just felt happy and excited. He had a friend. A real friend. And he might soon get the chance to stand on a stage and perform a play written by said real friend.

“Listen.”, Q started again, “Do you want to come over this weekend. We can practice. You’d even be allowed to sleep at my place.”

Eliot swallowed. He’d never wanted anything more than that. The realisation came washing over him like a wave. But no matter how much, he would like to spend a whole day and night with Q, he knew it was impossible.

“My Dad won’t allow it. If I’m lucky, I can convince him that I can come over though.”

“Good. That’s also- good.”

“But thanks.”

Quentin smiled at him and then looked at his stupid little wristwatch, “Uhm, I should probably get to world hist.”

Eliot nodded, “Yeah. Mr. Sanders can be a real bitch, when you are like one single minute late.”, he cracked a small smile, “See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

~~~~~~~

Eliot had actually managed to convince his Dad to let him visit Q this Saturday. He had to promise to work on the farm more than usual but it seemed to be a fair deal for now. 

Sometime next week, Eliot would have to break the theater news though. If he got the role. He looked down at his version of the script and felt the letters blur in front of his eyes. He knew it by heart now. Well, he almost knew it by heart. Much of it was due to Q's writing. It just made sense. It was written in a way, actual people talked to each other.

It kinda was refreshing compared to Plover's original. It was a little hard to relate to British kids from the early twentieth century sometimes. Sure, the setting was part of what made the book special but the dialogue was stiff at times.

Q's was better. And it was so much like him. So much like Quentin.

At the thought, Eliot looked at the script and smiled. It widened until it hurt.

There was some kind of truth there. A truth Eliot was hiding from himself. He was aware that there was something and that it was somehow related to Q. That was it though.

Eliot just wasn't sure what secret he was hiding from himself. 

Right now, he wasn't so eager to find out. Something about these days felt wrong but in a good way. As if it wasn't, how it was supposed to be. Like it was better instead. He'd most certainly take it.

Eliot sighed, putting the play down and closing his eyes. He imagined what it would be like to act on stage. It was a fantasy he loved to revisit again and again. But he was finally getting closer. He finally had the courage and the opportunity to make this fantasy real.

Tomorrow, Q and he would practice together at Quentin’s house. That thought alone sparked joy.

They’d sing and act and talk and eat Julia’s shitty but weirdly delicious cookies and for these few hours that would be it.

For these few hours, that room would be Eliot’s whole world. There’d be no farm, no bullies, no abusive fathers. Just Q and him.

At least it had been like this the week before. 

For a moment, Eliot was scared that last week had been a one time thing. That they wouldn’t b e able to repeat the magic of it but he immediately dismissed the idea because thinking that felt wrong.

For a moment, Eliot allowed himself to imagine what could have been. If he would actually be allowed to sleep at Q’s place. He imagined them doing the things, teenagers in movies did during sleepovers. Talking the whole night, watching horror movies and eating junk food. Somehow these thoughts were enough to make him feel warm inside. 

Would Q watch a horror movie? 

How would he react?

Would he sit close to El on his bed, shoulder to shoulder, while the monster followed the innocent hero?

The idea alone was enough to make him feel warm inside.

He swallowed the forming lump in his throat and shook his head, he was getting greedy. A month ago, he wouldn’t have dared to imagine having an actual friend. A month ago, he wouldn’t have dared to imagine bringing up the courage to audition for a musical and tell that to his father. Now, he had a friend and he was braver and he still wanted more. Maybe, he was greedy.

Carefully, Eliot reached behind his shelf and pulled out a piece of fabric. It was robe, he’d started to sew like a year ago. He’d actually wanted it to be some sort of morning robe. Like these silk things people had in movies sometimes. It was nothing that existed in Eliot’s actual world but it was something, he’d like to have in it. It was something from the world he wanted to live in. Now, however Eliot had the idea to use it, when he auditioned for the role of Rupert, so that the robe would be some kingly gown from a fantasy land.

The whole thing wasn’t far from being finished. It wasn’t perfect though. Eliot had never considered himself to be a perfectionist but he liked pretty things, tasty things, spectacular things. They could be flawed, as long as they were any of these. The robe however was none of the above. It was made from old clothes of some of the Waugh family members, a shirt here, a drape there, even a few socks with interesting patterns. When looking at the robe, it also became very obvious that it was a long term project. Some parts were very sloppy and there were some mistakes in the stitches here and there. But at least, you could see the progress.

Eliot ran a hand along a particular part of the robe, he liked and smiled to himself. 

Maybe it could be both. A robe for a king and a robe for a farm boy from Indiana, even though they were mutually exclusive.

A̷̳̾͗̕ ̴̼͙̜͝ḳ̶̀̑͜n̶̜͉̜͒͒͒i̸̠̭̽͜f̸͈͕̈͐̓ḙ̸̥̼̏ ̸̠̻͑ͅc̷̢̗̾̎u̴̗̝͔̾̚̕t̸̪͂ṯ̴̮̙̌į̶̦͛n̷̫̬͗͜g̴͖͈͗ ̶̞͊͛t̴̫͉̓h̵̞̙̚͜r̵̹̔o̵͔͝u̴̖̠̐͌g̶̪̳̋͝h̷̦̳̱͒̎ ̵͉̐͛̀ͅh̴̨͍̖͛̾i̴̡̒ŝ̴̘̃ ̵̻̯̤͝f̷̰͋l̴̹͈̏̊e̸̪̅̒s̶̹͌h̶̳͚͜.̶͔̙̲ ̴͙̉B̵̛̭̌̄l̵͉̝͐̕o̷̘̝̅õ̷̱̦̲̅d̸̹̮̐̈́͝ ̵̛̦̞̼ḑ̵͍̈̚r̷̡̜͖͑͋ȉ̸̦̺̒p̷̖̱͎̊̑̎p̶̛̫̍͗ḯ̶̞̥̩̾ṋ̵̔͝͠g̷̦͐̆͐͜ ̴̧̰̺̆̈́f̷͙̼̍̈́ͅŕ̵̖̟o̶̗͓̒̿m̶̟̦̿͆͝ ̵̺̖̰̀t̵̪̔̓h̷͉͋̚e̵̺̬̿͛ ̸͎͎̰͐̽w̷̧̖͈͗̓o̶̰͂̇͠u̸̖̠̩̔͝n̵̪͔͓̈́̆d̷̺͎͗͂͋͜.̸̻͉͍̑͌

̸̞̠̎͛͆

̷̨̝̍͆̈́"̶̘͉̾Ȉ̶͇̏ ̸̠̍͌̊ť̸͚̫h̷̬̙̄͆i̴̪̠͈͌͂n̸̛̳̙̭̕k̸͎̟͔̓̒,̷͚̃ ̶̰̇y̶̛̮̞͛̈́ö̷̧͇̞́͐ȕ̴̻̀'̴̪̙r̵̠̈ę̷̇̏̕͜ ̷͇̓̅̃ț̵̨̈́ḧ̴̰͇͈́e̶̤̽̇̈ ̴̩̔o̵̭̣͌̕͝n̸͖̈̐l̷̡̇͛ỳ̶̰̗̻ ̷̮͙͙̐͒p̴͚͑̄̆ȩ̷̰͋͛̒r̵̯̦̋̅s̵̢͈̺̓̃͝o̵̭̔n̶̩̥̕̕,̴̧͚́̔ ̶̓͜͠Ĩ̴̫̝̔̈́ ̷͉͚͛̓c̷̩̈́ą̴̲̏n̵̢̬̓͜ ̸̠̄͝s̵̝̺͌͜t̵͔̽á̷̘̜̅n̶̖̼̕͝d̷̦̓͋͒.̴͈̓̂"̵̱̺͇̉̒̉

̶̹̟͍̓̌͝

̷͓̘͓̋̇Q̷̥̲͙̈́̌u̴̬̳̾͗è̸̼̘ṋ̴̡͐͜t̷̯̺̎͂i̶̮͇̦̿͘n̶̜̯͎͆͆̓ ̵̺͛͠ṣ̷̮̆̓̈́m̷͇̖̓i̴̧͈̋́l̶̙͆͛i̴̬̒͐n̴͖͂g̷͕͎͗̋͐ ̶̗̌̔d̷͚̻̂̌ŏ̸̖ẁ̴̺̟n̴̪̲̋̚ ̸͓̦̂a̶̞̘͑͝͝t̵̢̖̘͂͂ ̶͎͐̄Ê̴̬͈͔ľ̵̛͈͇i̵̼͕̰͛õ̵͓t̴̨̼̠̏̄̀ ̴̛̳͖͓̓a̵͇͚͙͒s̶̪̓̍ ̶̫̞̈́̒͠h̷̨͉͑́̚ė̸͍́̓'̷͍̼͈͂͌s̵͊̽̎͜ ̸̟̮̑k̸̝͇͎͑̈n̵̢̾̇̿ȩ̷̥̪̽̄͝e̵͙͚̭͒̐l̶̤̟̆̇͝i̸͕̯̭̾̋̔ń̴̖͇̙͝g̶͙̹͒͝ ̵̪͚͕̈́͑ô̵̫̎ń̸̻͕̏ ̴̯͇̦̐s̴͉͔̙̃̂͆ȁ̸̧͍n̵̪̍͒̑d̷͔̮͋̂y̷͚ ̶͕̈́̓g̵̛̻͠r̷̫͛ǫ̶̩̩̇͌u̷͓̚͠͠ṅ̴̩d̴͚̔.̸̡̨̬͂̈́

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eliot woke up in the middle of his room, robe on his chest. He must have fallen asleep. Weirdly enough it wasn’t even late yet and he’s slept normal the previous few days. A sixteen year old boy shouldn’t pass out in the middle of the day, should he?

“Eliot!”, Clint’s voice yelled. Clint was the oldest of his three brothers. The one who’d moved out not that long ago. Fast forward a year, his barely nineteen year old wife was pregnant with his second child and had already moved out of their shared apartment, because apparently the only things these two were capable of was fighting and banging. Eliot knew that well enough after sleeping in the bedroom next to his for a long time.

Clint yelling for him could only mean one thing. Tonight was family dinner, which was somehow the single most torturous thing in the world.

Eliot sighed and stood up, brushing his hair out of his face. 

He wondered, if Clint had brought Melinda. His wife was- not the smartest person in the world, that was for sure. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have allowed herself to be knocked up when she was seventeen and more than that, she wouldn’t have allowed herself to be knocked up by Clint. Melinda was always nice to Eliot though and she was too sweet of a person to be a Waugh. Eliot also wouldn’t mind it Davis would be there. Children scared Eliot a little but they could be cute, if they wanted to be. And his nephew was cute most of the time.

After he'd stashed away his robe, Eliot jogged down the stairs into the dining room. Melinda and Davis were there, which meant that she and Clint were currently in a fucking-phase. Good for them.

"Eliot.", Melinda smiled, as she tucked her honey blonde hair behind her ears. While the rest of his family looked at El with mild indifference at best, she even got up to give him a hug.

Melinda was very pregnant and it gave Eliot the creeps. He was sure that if humans laid eggs, the pure concept of a mammal pregnancy would be straight up horror film material.

But Eliot actually enjoyed the hug. Before he sat down, he waved at Davis, who was making a mess of the table with his little plastic spoon. Davis didn't wave back but that was normal Davis-behavior. Eliot had no clue if it was normal Child-of-Davis-age-behavior though. 

As soon, as Eliot was seated, his Mom took his one hand and Rafael took his other hand and they prayed.

The good thing about these family dinners was that Eliot wasn't really expected to say much besides the prayer. Conversation usually bounced between the other members of his family and Eliot could focus on the decent food and occasionally make grimaces at Davis.

Sometimes they made him laugh.

This time, Davis was too occupied with his food though. He barely paid attention to Eliot at all. In that regard, Davis was a lot like his father this day.

“Eliot?”, Eliot’s father asked all of the sudden and El looked up. He wasn’t sure if he’d missed an important part of the conversation. When people around him talked about the farm or soybeans or in many cases, about both, his mind tended to go blank.

“Yeah?”

“How was your test?”

Whenever Eliot’s father asked about tests, it wasn’t about how the test went. Eliot’s father only cared about grades.

“Okay.”

“Means?”

“An A.”, Eliot shrugged. It didn’t matter how good he was at some subjects. They usually weren’t those his father cared about. Like this test. It had been one in philosophy. 

Not Eliots favorites subject but he was good with words and that was usually enough for his teachers.

“Oh.”, his father raised a brow, “What class?”   
Eliot shrugged again, whispering, “Philosophy.”

“Ugh.”

It wasn’t fair that his father wasn’t even the slightest bit proud of Eliot. Even in their best classes, his brothers had always gotten worse grades than Eliot has ever gotten before. It would have been nice to see the slightest appreciation for it.

But that was just unrealistic.

“I know.”, Eliot said, he hated that he wanted to apologize for an A.

“That sounds good.”, Melinda said and helped Davis with his food. 

“It doesn’t mean shit in these classes.”

Eliot opened his mouth but he knew better, so much better, than speaking up. He needed to be on his father's good grace if he wanted to continue seeing Quentin. If he wanted to join theater one day.

So he nodded and made a sound that could easily be interpreted as a sound of agreement.

Luckily, conversation eventually shifted towards other topics. Eliot’s father talked about the upcoming rain, his mother talked about the latest speech by a republican politician she admired, Rafael talked about a girl at school he wanted to bang, Jeff talked about some girl he was banging, Clint talked about his fourth new job this year, Melinda talked about Davis and Davis talked about nothing. Obviously. 

Eliot wished he could speak. It would probably make him the most interesting person in the room to have a conversation with immediately.

It took an agonizing long time for dinner to be over. The topics of the conversation helped about as much in entertaining Eliot as the color of the white drapes, he was staring at. If anything this dinner reminded Eliot, once again, that he was not made for farm work of any kind whatsoever. Being good at something usually meant that you were passionate about it. Either because you were passionate about something you were good at or you were good at something, you were passionate about.

For Eliot the farm would never be either of these things.

He just wished, his family would realise that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, dinner was done and Eliot walked back up to his room exhausted and happy. Not because this evening had been fun but because he'd gotten through it and because he was closer to a day spent with Q.

He fell into his bed and grabbed the script from where he had hidden it under his mattress. He considered climbing the barn tonight but if he was being honest, he prefered sleep this night.

He'd once stayed up forty eight hours and somehow he felt even more drained of energy now.

Yawning loudly, Eliot opened the script and stared at the familiar pages again.

Somehow he liked Martin a little more in Q's adaption of the story. He made Eliot less uncomfortable. He still prefered Rupert.

Eliot's eyes wandered towards his book shelf and he sighed, he had paused his reading of the third book for now. He wanted to be fully able to focus on Q's play but it was still tempting to read a few pages.

But not now. Not, when the audition was this close.

Quentin had told him that he, Ms. Simmons and Mr. Bennet, another drama teacher, would decide on the casting. Q would push for El but what if Ms. Simmons and Mr. Bennet wouldn't like his performance? Or if they decided that they shouldn't cast the directors best and only friend?

Or what, if they just didn't like Eliot? That seemed to be a little unrealistic since he and Q were both high grading teacher's pets but still- Eliot got into fights sometimes and teachers didn't like that.

He shouldn’t worry about that though.

_ Quentin smiled at Eliot. His hair looked almost blonde in the sunlight shining through the blinds. Suddenly, Eliot wondered what Q’s hair would feel like if he reached out and touched it right now. _

_ Was it as soft, as if it appeared to be? Would it be warm, where it was hit by the sun? Did it smell different from the rest of Q? _

_ “What?”, Quentin asked, chuckling a little. _

_ “Huh?” _

_ “You are staring.” _

_ Eliot shook his head, “I’m not.” _

_ “Sure, you are.”, Q smirked. He took off his glasses to clean them with the sleeve of his shirt. He looked so different without them. Something about the boy's eyes was mesmerising.  _

_ Cleaning his throat, Eliot replied, “No, you better clean your glasses well, because I’m not staring.” _

_ Q made a show off rolling his eyes, before he put his glasses back on his nose, “I won’t have a dumb argument like this with you.” _

_ Eliot smiled over his win, “I won.” _

_ “Whatever.”, Q grinned. His glasses were cute. He was cute. _

_ A shiver ran down Eliot’s back, when he realised that he wanted to kiss him. That he wanted to run his hands through Q’s hair and taste his lips. _

_ Eliot was in love with Quentin. _

Eliot woke up, his sheets clinging to his skin. For a moment, he wasn’t sure where he was. It took him a hot few seconds to realise that he was in his own room. He’d dreamt. He’d dreamt. It was all okay. Except, that dream or not. Eliot was in love with Quentin.

There was no way, he could deny it now. And that sucked for a lot of reasons: Q was his friend, Q was probably straight and there was no way, he could ever date Quentin because of school and because of his family.

Eliot ran a hand down his face and groaned. His heart was racing. There was no way, he’d be able to sleep now.

He reached down and pulled the script out from underneath his mattress.

Eliot had no intention of learning his lines. He just- he just wanted to look at it, to run his hands over the paper and think about Q. It made him feel close to Q because he was holding a piece of the other boy's soul in his hand. His beautiful, nerdy soul laid bare. Eliot swallowed and closed his eyes. He was in deep shit. But it was nothing, he wasn’t used to already. He just had to suppress his feelings, nothing new. Eliot was a pro at shoving his feelings down and keeping them bottled up somewhere deep within his soul. He’d done that for years by now, he might as well continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that small ‘El’s hiding a secret from himself’ is kinda inspired by Ronan from the Raven Cycle books. 
> 
> There’s just so many bad writing out there that ranks from being sloppy to being offensive and harmful to certain groups  
> Yes, this is Q talking about the Magicians writers.


	9. dust and gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobia, Child abuse, Violence  
> Did I promise some of you it would get better? Yes.  
> But first there's this chapter and it's the absolute low regarding homophobia and child abuse. So I'd suggest to skip a big part, if these things trigger you.  
> Start with " It should help a little even though there was no way it could protect Eliot from the rain." Until the end of the chapter.

“It’s not-”, Quentin started but then burst out laughing. He sounded loud and happy and joyful, as he tried catching his breath, “It’s not supposed to be worn like this, I think!”

Eliot smiled and put the hat back down on the shelf. It was Q’s mom’s and once Eliot had seen it, there he hadn’t been able to resist putting it on. Eliot assumed that a big part of the reason had been his nerves. Seeing Q open the door of his house for him was very different from seeing Q, who Eliot was in love with, open the door of his house for him. It wasn’t just different, it was drastically different from before.

That being said, apparently Eliot looked terrible in an old fashioned pink-red-purple-ish women’s hat. Who knew? 

At least, he’d made Quentin laugh. The other boy's face was almost as red as the hat now. Eliot liked this. Making Q laugh. It wasn’t an easy thing. It was a reward you actually had to earn. It was something, you had to work for very hard but at the same time it was very much worth the effort.

“Now, I know what costumes, we shouldn’t have in the play.”, Quentin snorted, as they made their way up to Q’s room.

“No lady hats for Rupert? Got it.”

“I didn’t say that.”, Q said and Eliot could hear the shit eating grin in his voice. Quentin could actually be kind of a dick, if he wanted to be. It was hidden beneath layers of shyness and nerdiness but he was very well capable of that.

That being said, whenever that side showed it excited Eliot to no end. He liked that side of his best friend.

Eliot turned to give Q a crooked smirk, “Whatever you want me to wear, I’ll rock it, because I’m me.”

“I do actually believe that.”

For a moment, Eliot let the compliment wash over him. He bathed in it, just allowing himself to- feel. Then when the silence was just a tiny bit too long, Eliot stored it away for safekeeping and spoke up, “And I’ll prove it.”

“You know, you have my vote.”

“I’d like to manage it without corruption, thank you.”

Q frowned, “It’s only corruption if you pay me. This is more, I believe the word is, nepotism?”

Eliot pursed his lips and then nodded, “I mean it could be corruption because let’s be honest, the blessing of my company can’t be measured in money. It’s worth more than any bank in the world could of-”

“I’d take the cash.”, Q said flatly and then his face cracked into a grin.

“Rude.”

Quentin shrugged, “Show business is hard.”

“Ah and you know that how?”

Q shrugged, as if to hand Eliot a point in their imaginary battle of wits and sat down, “We might know soon.”

"It's a High School play.", Eliot quipped, as he and Q walked into Quentin's room.

"Still business and a show."

Eliot grabbed a small purple stone from one of Q's shelves. He turned it in his hands, before Q snatched it and neatly placed it back where it had been. Eliot grinned at him and picked it up immediately, "The show part, I get. But is a High School play business?"

"We sell goods for-", Q saw that El was holding the stone and groaned, "Will you put that back? We sell goods, well immateriel goods, for money sounds like a business to me."

"You make it sound like-", Eliot sighed, "Never mind. What even is this?", he placed the stone back where it had been.

"A stone."

Eliot groaned, "Oh, thanks for clearing that up. What does it do?"

"Nothing. It's pretty.", Quentin said defensively, "And it looks kinda- mystical."

"There we go.", Eliot said.

"I like these little things.", Quentin shrugged. He turned on the radio, letting it play quietly in the background and flopped down on his bed.

He was so at home here. Well, Q was literally at home here but he seemed to be so- settled. Eliot never felt like this at the farm.

"Well, that stone is pretty."

"See?"

"But it's not-", Eliot shook his head, "I don't know."

"What is it?"

"Never mind.", Eliot said quickly.

Q looked at him for a moment, his glasses askew but then he smiled, "Do you have pretty things in your room?"

"Myself." 

"Should have seen that coming.", Q said lamely and then smiled, “I should have asked: Do you have pretty decoration in your room aside from yourself.”

“You think, I’m pretty?”, Eliot asked. The question escaped his lips without him really wanting to ask.

Quentin stared at Eliot and for a moment, he looked panicked, “I mean, you- uhm, you are handsome. I guess.”

Everything inside of Eliot twisted and turned and jumped with joy, “Oh.”

“I wouldn’t have expected you to be surprised by that.”,Quentin said, looking at his feet and wringing his hands. Eliot wondered if he had made him nervous. There were rumors at school that he was gay. Q had probably heard and was nervous now, that he had complimented El.

“I’m not.”, Eliot said quickly, “And to answer your question: I don’t really have anything in my room that isn’t functional. I guess.”

“Wouldn’t have expected that.”

“It’s not- I can’t buy myself stuff and my Dad isn’t gonna buy anything ‘useless’ for me.”

Quentin nodded, “Do you want one of my Fillory posters?”

Eliot smiled weakly, “That is- that is so nice, but my Dad would probably take them down, so they are better off here.”

Q nodded, “Okay.”, he looked at his hands. He was still wringing them a little nervously but it was slowly getting better, “Do you want to practice.”

Eliot shrugged, “Yeah.”

Quentin smiled and put the script on his bed, “Okay, so I’ve been thinking. What if we practice the very first scene? Before Fillory?”

“I mean, why not?”

Q nodded enthusiastically and handed El the script, “Here.”

“I already know it by heart.”

“You really have to get the role.”, Quentin said, his lips quirking up a little in a hint of a smile.

“I’ll try not to fuck it up.”, Eliot said quietly and looked out of the window. In his head, he was already morphing himself to twentieth century England. He summoned the feelings and thoughts he had when he first read the opening scenes of the very first Fillory books. He drew up Plover's mansion with wooden floors that squeaked at every step and the smell of freshly baked cake lingering in the air. Eliot had always imagined the Plover mansion like a warm, taller and more luxurious version of the farm. Like the Plover mansion was what people would expect from a family farm. A homey feeling. A feeling of belonging.

“Okay.”, Eliot said, “Go ahead.”, he changed his posture a little to imitate Rupert’s war injury.

_ Quentin nodded, “Martin, where are you going?”, he pitched his voice the slightest bit to imitate Jane. This whole scene would be a little harder than the other one, Quentin would play both Jane and Martin but Eliot had to work with that. _

_ “Come on!”, Q said, letting his voice drop a little to give an impression of Martin. The differences were marginal and Q changed nothing but the voices, when he switched between characters but he wasn’t the actor here. _

_ Eliot slipped into Rupert’s body and eyed Q, in his mind he replaced the other boys face with Jane’s as he shrugged. _

_ Q lowered his ‘Jane voice’ a little, “Where do you think, he’s going?” _

_ “I don’t know.”, Eliot said, letting some concern and bewilderment wash into his voice. _

_ “I haven’t seen him like this in-”, Jane stopped, “Martin!” _

_ On stage, Martin would run ahead and almost trip in excitement, “Come on!” _

_ “Martin, what-?”, Eliot- no, Rupert, asked. _

_ “Come on!” _

_ The group would now arrive at the room with the clock. _

_ “Here.”, Martin said. _

_ Jane frowned, “What do you mean ‘here’?” _

_ Eliot allowed even more concern into his voice, “Martin, are you okay? Should we ask Ms. Plover to call a Doctor?” _

_ “I’m fine.” _

_ “You don’t seem that way. You were talking nonsense the whole day and now- There’s just a clock.”, Eliot gave his delivery an edge of desperation. It was easy to blend feelings into his acting when he was so familiar with them. _

Q stopped and looked at Eliot, “Do you sometimes wish it was real?”

For a moment, Eliot was just confused and thought that he’d memorized a line wrong. Then he realised that what Q just said made no sense in the context of the play. He wasn’t Jane Chatwin, or Martin Chatwin. Right now, he was Quentin Coldwater again.

“What do you mean?”

Q waited a moment, before he replied, “Fillory. It helped me through- When I was in mental hospitals. I always hoped- No, hope is the wrong word. I always wanted it to be real. You know? A world, where magic exists and where- I don’t know, I just always liked the idea of having a place to escape to.”

Eliot nodded. He hadn’t explicitly wished for Fillory to be real. If he’d read the books, when he was younger, that might have been the case but not right now. That being said, he could understand Q’s wish. The roof of the barn was the closest thing he had to an escape. But it was still mere feet away from his house. And whenever he was on there, he was fully aware that he’d get in trouble if his Dad saw him up there.

It wasn’t a real escape. It was just the closest thing to it Eliot could get.

"I think, I understand."

Q made a pained face, "I think- I kinda expected you'd understand me."

Eliot knew what he meant by that. They both had been through the same shit. Well, not the same shit. They'd both been through shit.

"Yeah."

"I wish, we both had it easier."

"So do I.", Eliot said and looked at Quentin, tilting his head a little, "How was my performance?"

"Huh? Good.", Q said and Eliot could see on his face, how he slowly became aware of the present.

"As always.", Eliot said softly, "Hey, do you- do you mind if we don't practice anymore right now?"

"No. I just thought, that's why you're here."

"I'm here to hang out with my friend."

Q smiled, "Good. Wanna watch a movie?"

Eliot opened his mouth and thought about his wish to have a sleepover with Q, "Do you- do you have horror movies."

"I think, my parents do. I honestly don't like them very much."

"I mean it will be fun. We are together and it's the middle of the day outside.", Eliot paused, "Unless, that is a mental- thing. Like unless it makes you-"

"It's not psychological- I mean it's not related to-", Quentin put his index finger next to his head and twirled it a little.

"Good."

"I'll see, if I find one. But we make fun of it all the way through."

"I promise. Let's be honest most of the protagonists in these are super dumb."

"They are.", Q said with a tight smile but then the smirk turned wider, "I actually think this will be fun."

Eliot nodded enthusiastically, "Of course it will be. I'm here."

Q rolled his eyes, "Maybe there's a sex scene in it."

Eliot swallowed, "Yeah."

He wasn’t really sure, if he wanted to watch a sex scene with Q next to him. He wasn’t sure, if he wanted to see a straight sex scene anyway. But what if it got weird around Q? What if Q got a boner? Or if there were a few hot shots of a guy and Eliot got a boner? 

That being said, Eliot felt like he had to act excited over the possibility, “Yeah, that would be good.”

Q nodded and opened the door, “I’ll be right back.”

Eliot watched Q leave and listened to his steps, as the other boy jogged down the stairs. He was immediately tempted to look around the room but it felt like invading his privacy- No. He would be invading Quentin’s privacy.

Eliot settled for the middle ground. He looked around the room without touching anything, taking time to read the titles of some of the books. It was mostly fantasy and Science Fiction, no big surprise here.

“Hey.”, Q walked back in holding up three DVDs, “So I got us some movies. Wanna vote?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“We have one with Aliens, one with a ghost and one with a murderer.”

Eliot frowned, “Well, I grew up here, so Hillbilly horror doesn’t work on me. Let’s go with the ghost?”

“Sure.”, Q opened the box and put in the DVD, “I hope, we can manage to watch the whole thing, before you have to head home.”

“How long is it?”

Quentin flipped the case and frowned, “Hundred minutes.”

“Yeah, that works.”, Eliot said, finding a comfortable position on the floor.

“We can sit on my bed.”, Q suggested. For a moment, Eliot’s mind went blank. Then he nodded. He needed to get it together. How could the suggestion of a friend to sit together on the bed do something like this to him?

It was dumb.

The movie was- okay. There had been one big jump scare and that moment had been- weird. The shoot had shown an empty hallway, the hot protagonist had walked through the house, the music implying tension. Then suddenly, the door at the left side of the hallway had opened and the ghost charged out.

Q and Eliot had both flinched at that and they’d flinched into the same direction, their heads almost touching. Eliot’s heart had pounded at that and then- then both of them had started laughing.

They’d laughed the whole rest of the movie.

It had been nice.

But somehow Eliot couldn’t stop replaying Q’s and his almost-head-touch in his head. He could have turned his face there to steal a kiss. It would have been horrible and would have ended with Q punching him or their entire friendship falling apart, but it would have been possible.

Eliot didn’t regret not taking the chance but he still thought about it. He thought about that chance and he thought about the laughter and how nice it had felt to be silly with Q. 

Yes, he wanted to kiss Q. But it wasn’t worth their friendship. Eliot felt like there was no way, he could go back to before. He couldn’t be all alone now, that he’d gotten to know a friend like this.

It was long after the movie was done, when Quentin finally got up to get the DVD. His face was red from laughter and his eyes a little glassy. Eliot was sure, he looked the same. He’d actually felt tears of laughter, running down his cheeks. It felt good to be this silly. It felt so good. It felt good to be happy.

~~~~~~~~~~

Coming home from Quentin's place was always weird. Eliot knew this much by now. It was as if he was entering an alternate dimension. As if he was travelling from one world to another. 

This time however, Eliot knew what was the biggest difference. He felt safe at Q's place whereas he was always scared at home.

No, scared was the wrong word. He was always tense. At home Eliot was always ready to run or to freeze and try dodging punches. He always had the same feeling at school.

Maybe Q's place was his escape. Maybe Q's tiny bedroom was to Eliot what Fillory was to Quentin.

Of course, he could never tell him.

That being said, in a way, Eliot was happy to have realised that. 

Now, he was laying on his bed, trying to fall asleep. But it wasn't easy when Quentin was currently occupying his mind. 

Eliot swallowed and tossed his alarm clock up in the air to catch it just before it hit his face.

Again and again.

He'd started that ten minutes ago just to calm his racing mind.

Throw the clock.

Watch it fly.

Catch it.

Repeat.

It was easy and calming this way. 

Finally, Eliot put his alarm clock aside and closed his eyes. He saw nothing but Q.

His cute little glasses and his stupid floppy hair.

Then Eliot allowed himself to imagine. He imagined Q holding his hand, running his fingers slowly over Eliot's, maybe even kissing them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after Eliot’s visit at Q’s was hard. Eliot had to spend the whole night and even longer on the fields. A task that was exhausting enough in itself but was turned into even more of a pain in the ass, when it started to rain about halfway through the day. And in this case, the word rain wasn’t doing it justice. It was pouring down from the sky the same way, water poured down from a shower. After minutes everything was muddy and dirty. The upside was that Eliot was so dirty already, there was no need to worry about further mud getting on his clothes or in his hair.

The only thing he worried about was his voice. If he got a cold and couldn’t audition, he’d be devastated. He couldn’t just give up on this, after weeks of preparation and daydreaming. It felt like that one time, he’d jerked off to some porn and then his father had called him down just before he could come. Only way worse. The more Eliot thought about the audition, the more certain he became of how much he needed this play. How much he needed a place to escape to besides Q’s house. The school could be that, if he had a safe space there. Like the theater club. But it wasn’t just that bothering him. Q would work on the play anyway and that would mean that he’d have less time for Eliot and that he’d hang out with other people. What if Q made new friends? What if he eventually realised, what kind of a loser Eliot was? Eliot should want Q to have more friends. It was egoistic of him to want anything but Q’s happiness. But Eliot was well aware that he was depending on Quentin now. That his happiness was dependent on this boy. The thing about being dependent from something or someone was that it was a lot easier once you knew that it was mutual. That you were codependent.

So yeah, Eliot couldn’t risk his voice. To make sure of that, he used the short break around noon to return to his room and grab a scarf. Well, it wasn’t really a scarf. It was an old shirt that had a hole in it from that one time, Eliot had been shoved into a rose bush in front of school. Eliot had cut in a way that allowed him to wrap it easily around his neck. It should help a little even though there was no way it could protect Eliot from the rain.

Back outside Eliot continued working. His father had complained a lot about little rocks in the soil making work harder this season, so it was up to Eliot and his brothers to clean the field of the bigger ones. By hand.

Eliot’s back hurt and he was shaking from the cold but he was at least aware that he was almost done. There was only a small part left.

“Eliot!”, Eliot froze at his father’s voice from behind. The rain had stopped by now but Eliot was still soaking wet and so was the soil. It was hard to walk without sinking into the mud.

“Dad?”, Eliot asked, turning around, as he shoved a hair lock out of his face.

“I-what the hell are you wearing?!”

Eliot reached for his ‘scarf’, “It was cold.”, he shrugged self consciously.

“That’s no excuse to walk around like a fag!”

“I’m not-”. Eliot reached for the scarf and ran the fabric between his fingers, “I was cold. I didn’t want to-”, he stopped, as his father walked up to him.

Eliot was prepared, when he was shoved backwards but it didn’t prevent him from falling down into the mud. It was cold and wet. It was the kind of cold you could feel in your whole body. The kind of cold that felt as if it was affecting you down to your bones. A gasp escaped Eliot’s lips and the next moment, he felt a hand tangled up in his wet hair. 

“Dad, please-”, and then he was pressed face first into the mud. It tasted like metal with a hint of dung.

“This is what your kind deserves!”, his father yelled, “This is what you get!”

When he yanked Eliot back up, Eliot was surprised to see something like softness in his eyes, “I’m only doing this for your good. So you stop your sinful desires and so that no one in the town will know.”

Spitting out dirty, Eliot shook his head, his eyes were stinging and filling with tears. Maybe from the dirt or the cold or the humiliation. He couldn’t tell it if he was being honest. He couldn’t come up with any reply. When it came to standing up to his father Eliot never knew what he was supposed to say.

Instead, he said nothing. Like always.

His father shook his head, “Finish the damn task and then get to your damn room.”, he yanked the scarf off Eliot’s neck and tossed it in the mud. The dirt immediately stained the aquamarine fabric. Eliot’s father shook his head and stomped on the scarf, “Get to work!”, he spat on the cloth and then turned around, trotting back towards the farm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how farm work works. Also I hate myself because my brain literally went like: It has been pretty fluffy recently. Let’s add angst. But this will be it for now. 
> 
> Also I finished this bad boy at almost 90k words so, yay.


	10. spotlight

The day of the audition came fast and when it was finally there, Eliot felt as if his whole body was on fire. He was anxious and could barely stand or sit still, as he prepared himself for school. That morning he allowed himself a lot of time to choose his outfit. Eliot figured that it was important to look somewhat decent at an audition. Rupert was a king, so Eliot ought to look kingly. What was difficult was to achieve a look that met his expectations, was possible with what his wardrobe had to offer and wouldn't get him beat up at school or at home. At the thought Eliot ran a finger along his cheek. A small bruise had formed there after what happened on the field. It was already fading though. Only notable, if you knew that it was there.

He hoped that it would still be close to invisible in the spotlight on stage. At least, El's voice was okay. He'd managed to stay healthy despite the day in the wet cold. His father may believe that he was weak and maybe, that was even the truth but Eliot was resilient. So far, he'd handled what life had thrown his way well enough. He wasn't gonna stop now.

He settled for a navy blue button up and beige pants, they were a little too small for him but somehow that made the look. Eliot looked at himself in the mirror and nodded. Kingly.

It was an outfit, he felt good in it. Confident. Hopefully, he could project that onto his performance. Somehow he was nervous. But not because he had to act in front of some teachers but because he had to act in front of Q. That was strange. He'd done that before. There was literally no reason to be worried. Eliot recognized that it must be because of his weird feelings for Quentin but it still defied his logical mind. 

He sighed. A little dramatically, especially since there was no one here to hear the sound but then he turned and headed downstairs. Eliot dodged his father with ease. It had been easy doing that for the past few days. Maybe his Dad actually felt bad. It was hard to believe but Eliot liked the idea. He knew that his father was capable of love. He knew that his family was capable of love. He saw that in the ways they interacted with each other. It was just Eliot, who wasn't included. It made things worse somehow. Anyway, if his father actually showed remorse for hurting him it would mean that Eliot was at least seen as a human being.

But Eliot had no time to find that out. Instead, he hurried to Rafael's car and climbed in.

He wasn't in the mood for a talk. Well, he was but not in the mood for a talk with anyone but Q. Other people were so bland. Despite being a cliche nerd, Q wasn't. He was so much more interesting than all the other walking High School stereotypes El knew. He wondered if he himself was like them. A cliche. He wouldn't mind.

When Eliot and his brother arrived at school, Eliot was surprised to see Q standing in front of the school building. Well, not directly in front of it. Q was standing a bit on the left side of the building and he was looking a bit lost. Eliot assumed that he was standing there because it was far away from Martin’s and Kevin’s crowd. What surprised Eliot about this was that Q never stood in front of the school. Whenever Eliot arrived, Quentin was already inside and sitting in a classroom.

But not now. Now he was standing there in a baby blue sweater, holding the straps of his backpack. He looked so lost

Eliot wanted nothing more than to run up to him and hug him.

As soon, as the car had pulled to a stop, Eliot climbed out. But then he froze. Eliot waited for Rafael to walk over to his friends, before he stepped out from behind the car and into Q’s line of sight.

It took Quentin a moment to see him, but when he did his face split into a smile. At that moment, a breeze of wind caught Q’s hair, twirling it around. Eliot’s heart felt as if it was about to jump out of his chest.

“Quentin.”, Eliot smiled and waved.

Q smiled back and started walking up to him.

“I was thinking that you were nervous, so I wanted to wait for you out here.”, Q shrugged,before Eliot could even ask why he was out here.

“Thanks.”

“You look good.”, Quentin answered, quickly averting his eyes.

Eliot felt both confident and self conscious at that, “Uhm, thank you. I always do.”

“Yeah.”, Q laughed and immediately flinched, “Are you-?”

“Am I what?”

“Nervous?”

Eliot shrugged, “I don’t know, I just- I just think that- I’m not really nervous about the audition, I’m scared of not getting the role.”

Quentin nodded, “Okay, but you will.”, the wind blew a leaf through the air. It was fiery red and orange and yellow.

“Maybe.”, Eliot said, shoving a lock of hair out of his face, “I just don’t- I have no idea how I should sit through three classes before the audition.”

“Well, at least we share one of those.”, Q said lightly.

“Yeah.”

Q looked at Eliot as they walked up the stairs. Martin, Kevin and their friends were already inside. Eliot relaxed at that realisation. He didn’t want to be beaten up in front of Q. And he didn’t want Q to be beaten up for being in his company.

The wind blew the leaf further around.

Eliot sighed, “I was just- if I don’t get the role, will we still hang out?”

Just like that Eliot had put his greatest fear into words. He couldn’t imagine that his vulnerability wouldn’t show in his eyes and he didn’t want Q to see just how important that answer was to him.

“Of course. We are friends. You could still get a supporting role. Or a role on set, or behind the scenes. I want to spend more time with you, Eliot.”

Somehow that was exactly the answer, Eliot wanted to hear. He looked up and saw that the leaf was sticking to Q’s hair now.

“You have-”, Eliot said softly and reached out, plucking the leaf from his head. For a moment one of his fingers brushed Q’s hair. A single word raced through Q’s head.  _ Soft _ . Then another word.  _ More _ .

“Oh.”, Q said and reached out, taking the leaf from Eliot’s hand.

“It- uhm- got stuck.”

“Yeah.”, Q smiled and looked at the leaf, “It’s just- pretty.”

“I guess.”

“Wait a moment.”, Quentin said and stopped. He shrugged off his backpack and opened the zipper. Then he pulled out one of his Fillory and Further books out of it. He opened it at a random page and put the leaf in it.

“It’s a leaf, dude.”

Q shrugged and repeated, “It’s pretty. Somehow it makes me think of Fillory.”

Eliot chuckled, tension, he hadn’t even noticed was there falling off of him, “It’s a leaf!”

“Look, don’t act as if you are surprised by me being a huge nerd.”

“Oh, I’m not.”, Eliot said and watched Q putting his backpack on again, “I sometimes underestimate your nerdiness, that’s all.”

“Well, that is on you.”

Eliot smiled softly and ran a hand through his hair again. Hopefully, the wind wasn’t messing it up too bad. His curls were unruly by nature, but he’d learnt to tame it in a way that was actually looking good. 

“Honestly.”, Quentin said and smiled, “You are a huge nerd yourself.”

Eliot gasped, “Don’t you dare.”

Q laughed, shaking his head, “You will rock this audition.”

“I just don’t- I just don’t want- not to be involved.”

“You will be no matter what.”

Eliot smiled a tight lipped smile at Q, as they reached El’s classroom, “You are the best friend anyone could wish for, Quentin Coldwater.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Eliot felt like he wasn't taking an active part in the school day leading up to his audition. He felt like part of an audience, watching the lesson play out in front of his eyes. Unable to participate. Every other second, he looked at the watch on the wall, counting the hours and minutes until he could finally step on stage.

3 hours 45 minutes, 3 hours 44 minutes and so on.

Even his class with Q wasn't helping much against the dullness of his day. Q seemed to realise that fast and eventually stopped every attempt at conversation. Eliot managed to break out of his passiveness long enough to give him a tight lipped smile and a 'Thank you'.

The worst thing was, that Eliot's tension grew with every second. Ten minutes away from the start of the damn audition, he felt as if there were a thousand bees trapped inside of him and they all wanted to get out. It didn't help that Q was already inside along with the drama teachers, who'd judge over who got the role. It would have helped, if Q were here now. At least a bit. Instead Eliot was sitting in the hallway, with students who were just as nervous, as he was surrounding him. It didn't help with the tension inside of him. It felt as if the other students amped it up by a few times. On the other hand, it was nice to see them showing nerves. It might cause them to fuck up.

For a moment, Eliot closed his eyes and tried imagining Q sitting on the empty chair next to him. He'd probably try to calm him by rambling about Fillory.

_ "Rupert wasn't nervous, when he stepped in front of the talking otters and delivered his speech on endangered subspecies of the Fillorian Puking fish.", Imaginary Q said. _

_ "Well, I'm not him. And I'd feel less nervous if I'd be a king and had to inform otters about the protection of barfing fish but I-", Eliot replied in his head to imaginary Q. _

_ "You what?" _

_ "I'm not a book character. I'm a real person and the worst thing that could have happened to Rupert were a few otters eating fish they weren't allowed to. I- I could- I need that role." _

_ "Why?" _

_ It was so easy to confess something, when you confessed it to an imaginary version of your friend, "It's my Fillory. I want it to be my escape." _

_ Of course, Quentin understood what was going on. Even real Q would understand what was going on. _

“Eliot Waugh?”, a soft female voice asked. Eliot looked up from his hands, as the imaginary Q dissolved in his head. It was as if a bubble had been bursted. 

Eliot nodded and stood up.

“Your turn.”, the girl said. Eliot didn’t know her name. He’d seen her before, she was one grade below him. She’d been in some plays at school before.

“Thank you.”Eliot mumbled and walked in the school’s theater. The girl was following him and Eliot figured she'd play Jane’s part for the audition. He wondered if she had already been cast for the role or if she was just a placeholder. Q had probably told him about the exact schedule for the casting earlier but Eliot’s head had been somewhere else entirely.

His eyes immediately found Q sitting at a table in front of the stage. There was a teacher on each side of him. Ms. Simmons to his left, Mr. Flanders to his right. It was an odd sight. Both of them towering over small Q.

S̶u̷d̵d̸e̷n̸l̵y̶,̷ ̴i̴t̸ ̸w̶a̴s̸ ̶w̷a̶r̴m̶.̶ ̴E̷l̵i̴o̷t̴ ̶w̶a̶s̴ ̶s̴t̵a̸n̵d̷i̵n̸g̸ ̷i̵n̴ ̴a̶ ̴g̷a̵r̴d̴e̶n̵,̶ ̸i̵n̶ ̴f̸r̵o̶n̴t̶ ̸o̴f̵ ̷a̵ ̴g̷r̴i̷l̷l̴.̵ ̸T̴h̷e̶r̵e̴ ̴w̴a̵s̸ ̵a̵ ̷b̶e̶a̸u̶t̶i̵f̶u̶l̷ ̷w̸o̶m̵a̵n̶ ̴s̵t̴a̸n̸d̵i̵n̸g̸ ̶n̸e̸x̵t̷ ̶t̸o̷ ̴h̸i̶m̵.̴

̵E̷l̵i̴o̸t̴ ̴r̶a̵i̸s̸e̸d̴ ̷h̴i̶s̴ ̷h̶a̸n̸d̴ ̷a̶n̷d̸ ̶s̴o̸m̶e̵t̴h̸i̶n̶g̷ ̴s̴t̴r̶a̵n̸g̶e̵ ̶r̴u̸s̶h̶e̷d̸ ̶t̶h̴r̵o̵u̸g̴h̵ ̷h̷i̶s̵ ̶b̷o̸d̷y̴.̵ ̸S̴t̵r̶a̸n̴g̵e̵ ̵a̷n̵d̸ ̵b̵e̵a̵u̷t̶i̷f̴u̶l̸.̴ ̸T̷h̶e̸n̸ ̵t̶h̸e̵ ̶f̶l̴a̶m̷e̸ ̴o̵f̶ ̷t̵h̴e̸ ̷g̵r̴i̷l̶l̷ ̸r̵o̶s̵e̸ ̶i̸n̶ ̵f̸r̷o̷n̸t̷ ̷o̷f̶ ̵h̵i̵m̷.̵

̸E̷l̴i̶o̶t̸ ̸l̶o̶o̷k̷e̴d̵ ̵u̸p̶ ̷a̵n̶d̶ ̸s̵a̶w̷ ̷a̴ ̸m̸a̸n̸,̷ ̸"̶Q̷u̶e̴n̴t̴i̸n̶!̶"̴

“Mr. Waugh?”, Ms. Simmons asked. Eliot blinked. For a moment, he’d felt so happy. Happy with an underlying sense of sadness but happy nonetheless. Eliot blinked, as the memories of whatever had just happened started to fade away. He could feel whatever vision, he’d just seen, slowly fade away.

The girl, who’d take Jane’s part, looked at him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

“Sorry, I just.”, Eliot reached for his head, “I had a headache.”

Eliot’s eyes found Q and he gave him an encouraging smile.

“It’s okay.”, Ms. Simmons said, “Do you want us to start with someone else? We can push your audition back.”

“No.”, Eliot said, shaking his head, there was no way, he was waiting any longer for this. Whatever had just happened he barely remembered it anymore. He just knew that he’d been caught up thinking about  _ something _ .

“Okay.”, Ms. Simmons said, “Then we start.”, she looked at the girl, “Maisie?”

The girl- Maisie- walked towards the other end of the stage and stopped.

_ “Rupert, wait!”, Maisie-Jane- ran after Eliot-Rupert- catching her breath. Suddenly, the theater had vanished. Suddenly Eliot-Rupert- was in Fillory, having a fight with his sister. _

_ Eliot-Rupert- turned around and glared at Maisie-Jane- he tried to put as much anger into his eyes as he could and then hide it, as soon as it was there. It’s impossible to fake concealed anger. You had to fake the anger and then conceal it, so that it would work. _

_ “What?!”,Eliot-Rupert- barked, then he showed remorse on his face. He’d just yelled at his little sister, who meant no harm. _

_ “Why are you so upset about never being able to leave Fillory? I mean look around.”, Maisie-Jane- twirled and smiled and at that moment Eliot knew that she had to be the real thing. That she had to be Jane and not some place holder. The contrast between her and the girl, who’d talked to him in the hallway was amazing. She even faked a cute british accent. She was adorable. A fond smile played around Eliot’s-Rupert’s- lips and he allowed it. It made sense within the scene. _

_ “It’s not that easy for all of us.”, Eliot had pushed the anger out of his face and voice and replaced it with a heavy all consuming sadness, as he flattened his voice. Eliot could feel Rupert’s sadness, dragging him down but eventually, he managed to separate his sadness from Rupert’s. The sadness, he was feeling right now wasn’t real. It was all Rupert. _

_ “Why?”, Jane asked. She’d stopped twirling and it was as if she’d sensed the misery in Rupert’s voice. _

_ Eliot-Rupert- looked at Maisie-Jane- and channeled all of Eliot’s and Rupert’s sadness combined into his gaze, “Because there are people, I care about sister.”, Eliot-Rupert- said, he made it sound like he was admitting defeat, whispering the words slightly, “People I care about beyond this portal tree.”, Eliot pointed vaguely into a direction. _

_ Maisie-Jane-tilted her head and suddenly her voice sounded serious instead of playful, “Who?” _

_ Eliot-Rupert- shook his head, turning away from Jane and towards his three-person-audience. His eyes found Q and then- then Eliot transported his feelings for him outwards., “It’s complicated.”, Eliot felt these words, “But there’s a person, I love and now I can’t go back. This is all- This is all too much, Jane. How can I be a decent king, if I left someone who cares about me alone on earth. How can I be a decent kind, if I keep letting hi-”, Eliot stilled. Not him. “If I keep letting people down?” _

_ Maisie- Jane- shook her head, “You let no one down.” _

_ Eliot-Rupert- sighed, “But I did. I did, Jane. I promised, that I’d always be there- and now-” _

_ “We’ll find a way.” _

"I think we've seen enough.", Ms. Simmons said and Eliot froze. Had he screwed up? He felt like everything had gone pretty smooth so far. He couldn't have screwed up.

He looked at Q and saw him smiling widely. Not a pity smile, a proud smile.

"That was by far the best performance we've seen from anyone auditioning this day."

Eliot saw Maisie grimacing in the corner of his eyes.

"We don't have any more boys left who want to audition for Rupert. Congratulations, Mr. Waugh."

Eliot met Q's eyes again and he looked so damn happy. Quentin was happy for him.

"Th-Thank you.", Eliot stuttered and made a little bow, he immediately realised how awkward that had been and swallowed, "Thanks."

"We will need you for one audition later. For the Watcherwoman, wasn't it, Quentin?"

"Yeah."

Eliot nodded, "O-okay."

"You can just sit in the back."

Eliot gave Maisie a tiny nod and walked past Q and the teachers to sit down in the back of the theater.

He'd have to explain this to his father. This would be the hardest part and the only downside to getting that role.

He wouldn't understand and Eliot had to carefully consider a plan.

But he'd come up with something. Maybe he could ask Q. The boy was everything but a natural liar but who knew?

Anyway, he could just lean back and watch the other kids audition.

It was somehow relaxing.

~~~~~~~~~~

When the auditions were over, Eliot met up with Quentin. Technically they still had english class right now, but both of them were excused for the entire remaining school day and they wouldn’t go back to class for these twenty minutes.

“You were amazing.”, Q greeted, as he left the theater and sat down next to Eliot in the hallway.

“I’m always amazing.”, Eliot said and nodded his head to empathise on the words, Q was already rolling his eyes next to him, “Everything I do, I do amazingly well.”

“I’ve seen your math test.”

Eliot sighed, “You know, nothing is nerdier than a guy, with an A+ criticising his friend because he got an A-.”

Quentin grinned wide, “Whatever you say, Waugh.”

With a soft grin, Eliot nudged Quentin in the side. For a short moment, their shoulders touched and heat rushed through Eliot’s body, “So, let’s change the topic, because there’s nothing sadder than two lonely nerds talking about how sad and lonely they are. Are you happy with the cast?”

“Yeah. The guy, who plays Rupert might be a weak link though. And he’s kind of an idiot.”

“I just heard that you called him amazing. Besides, word on the street has it, that he’s really handsome, smart, handsome, funny and handsome.”

“Wow. Did you really have to call yourself handsome three times?”, Quentin groaned, running a hand down his face and knocking his glasses askew to cover his obvious smile. 

Eliot shrugged, “I think, he’s also very humble.”

“Yeah. As if you knew the definition.”

“I can always check it.”

Quentin sighed, “Sure, you can. But seriously: I’m happy with the cast.”

“Good, good.”, Eliot swallowed, “Listen, I still have to figure things out with my Dad. But I guess, it will be easier now that I have the role and can’t back down that easy. I’ll just say that we have to be in some club this year or some shit- I just have to bribe my brother into helping me.”

“Do you need my help?”

Eliot grimaced, “I don’t think so but thanks.”

Quentin nodded, “We’ll start rehearsals next week. Make sure that you know at least the lines from the first twenty pages.”

Eliot nodded, “Yeah, yeah. I can manage that.”, he let his head fall back against the wall. It felt good. Even after the audition was over, there’d been some lingering tension remaining within Eliot’s body. Now it was finally draining out.

“Are you sure?”, Q asked, he’d done the same, only that he had hunched himself sideways on the bench, so that he was looking at Eliot. Being aware that Q was staring at his profile stopped the tension from leaving Eliot’s body. Suddenly he became very aware of what he must look like.

He swallowed and wondered if his Adam’s apple bopped at that and if it did, he wondered if Quentin noticed.

“Yeah, it’s better if it’s just me- Well, just me and my brother asking him. And, I don’t want you to meet.”

Q blinked, “Are you ashamed of me.”

“No.”, Eliot said immediately without hesitating, “It’s just-”

“What?”

Eliot shrugged. His father didn’t like Eliot having male friends because he believed that Eliot was secretly sucking their dicks. But the truth was so much more complex. Q and his father were entirely different parts of Eliot’s life and Eliot didn’t want them to overlap. He didn’t want his father to spoil the part of his life that included Q. It was like his life was a pizza. But a horrible pizza. A pizza with bugs and other disgusting shit on it. Q was the one piece of this pizza that was actually good. The one piece that had normal toppings like cheese and ham and pepperoni on it.

Eliot didn’t want any bugs on his flawless piece.

“I’m ashamed of my father. Of my life there.”

Quentin shook his head, “You don’t have to be.”

“I still don’t want you there, Q.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I do.”, Eliot said. He could feel something between them shift, “But I don’t want you to see me any differently because of that shit-”

“Do you really think that would change things?”

“Maybe.”

Quentin leaned forward, meeting Eliot’s eyes and shook his head, “Wow. I- I have to catch my bus.”

Eliot looked at the watch at the wall, there were still more than ten minutes left until class was over, meaning that there were more than twelve minutes left until the first bus left. But Quentin knew that. 

“See you tomorrow?”, Eliot called after Q, hoping that his voice didn’t sound as miserable to Q as it sounded to himself.

“Yeah.”, Q replied without turning around.

Eliot looked down at his hands, he wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened. What he had said felt out of proportion compared to Quentin’s reaction. It had been unfair of Q to storm out like this. Eliot hadn’t intended to hurt him but Quentin had sure as hell intended to hurt Eliot. For a moment, Eliot was scared that their friendship was over now. That he’d ruined something that had taken weeks to form within a second, but that just- it couldn’t be? They’d see each other at school tomorrow. And at the rehearsals. And Eliot still had one of Q’s books.

“Fuck.”, Eliot whispered to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter introduces Maisie, who's basically the most important OC in this and she's awesome. That's all.


	11. overload

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -Mental breakdown by Q. It's not closely defined and not that detailed since it's from El's POV but I still wanted to put the warning here.  
> -El's Dad being an ass

When Eliot arrived home, his stomach was doing backflips. Not out of joy but out of fear. Fear, that he'd screwed it up with Quentin forever.

Fear of what would happen if his Dad found out about theater. Or to put it more precisely fear of what would happen, when he told him. He'd planned on doing it tonight. There was no good timing for this and right now, Eliot just wanted to get it over with.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea after the fight with Q. On the other hand it gave Eliot a chance to handle at least one problem swiftly. It was the rational and smart solution. El might as well go with that. For once.

But he had to catch his father at the right moment. Before he could drink but after dinner. He got cranky when he was hungry. It might be one of the few traits Eliot and his father shared. It left a fairly small time frame though. It would be best to catch him directly after dinner. Eliot had already traded more computer time for Rafael's support in the car. He was gonna miss his porn but it was very much worth it.

So Eliot waited tensely. He waited for dinner to come and then he waited for dinner to be over.

After that, he cleared his throat and looked at his father, "Hey, Dad. Can we talk?"

"What?"

"I, uhm, so at school. We have to join these clubs. It's mandatory. I know. It's dumb."

"Is there a point?"

Eliot shook his head, "I'm just- Gonna be in school a little longer."

“The farm-”

“Call Clint, he’s probably out of a job again.”, Eliot said and immediately regretted it. This had been close to leashing out. Closer to it than his father usually tolerated. It wasn’t the direction Eliot had should take this. It wasn’t what he’d intended. So he shut his mouth, pressing his teeth together as if any unwanted word could escape him, if he didn’t.

“What? Clint is actually working.”

Eliot nodded, “I know, I know.”, he’d really hurt himself with that. Stupid, stupid, stupid, “But I have to be in a stupid club. And I can’t just- I can’t just not go. I need it to get through the year.”

“What bullshit club are you in?”

Eliot looked up at his father and he actually seemed to have calmed down again. This would have been impossible, if he was drunk, “They placed me in stupid theater. It was either that or the dance group for me.”, Eliot lied. Dancing might be the only thing his father hated more than theater. 

“And why is that?”

Gritting his teeth, Eliot sighed, “Because I couldn’t get into any of the sports clubs.”

“Of course, you couldn’t.”

Eliot hated how his father thought that theater was for losers. It was as if Eliot had never gone through the casting. As if there was no skill or effort or talent to it. But he had to play this smart, and he’d already overstepped the line before, “I know. I know, that it is dumb, but- There’s no choice there. I’m not asking for permission, I’m just informing you.”

His father grunted. There was nothing, he hated more than admitting defeat. Eliot had rarely been on the winning side of arguments before so it was a rare sight for him. But damn, he did enjoy it. 

“Whatever. But don’t expect any of us to waste time at your stupid performance.”, it wasn’t like Eliot had expected his family to be there when the play premiered, yet it felt like he’d been stabbed in the back.

“Don’t worry.”, he said lamely. Eliot didn’t wait for any response, instead he turned on his heels and headed upstairs to his room. He had his permission to be in the play. Well, if you could call this a permission. He had whatever it was, he’d wanted. For all he knew, he should be happy. Things were finally cleared with his father. Yet, Eliot couldn’t really feel happy. It only took him the time he needed to reach his room until he knew why. The fight with Q. If it could be called a fight.

Eliot sat down on his bed and fisted his sheet, as the anger and frustration spiked. Why did he have to screw things up?

How had he managed to screw things up? Why couldn’t this be easy?

“What did I do wrong, Q?”, Eliot whispered. He had a mere idea of it of course. Q was insulted because Eliot didn’t want him here. It just felt like an overreaction to him. Yes, Q had confessed to him that he had been institutionalized and that was a big thing. But Eliot had told him more about himself than he’d ever told anyone. 

He sighed and let go of his sheets.

He sighed and let go of his sheets.

There was no way he could allow Q here. This was his boundary and Eliot felt like Q had to respect that. Eliot would respect it too, if Q told him that there was something he didn’t want him to be involved in.

Maybe it will all be okay tomorrow. Maybe both of them just needed sleep.

Eliot wrung his hands, the anxiety and the frustration was fading but very slowly. He reached for the script under his mattress. He wasn’t sure if he could keep it somewhere else now or if he still had to keep it secret. If he should still keep it secret.

Sure, his father had kinda agreed to him being in the theater but not to Eliot being in a musical and in a Fillory play.

Yeah, better safe than sorry.

Eliot opened the first page:

_ Fillory and Further: The White Castle _

_ By Quentin Coldwater. _

Eliot ran his hand over Q’s name. Damn, he was sappy. He was just some sappy gay asshole, who’d managed to anger the boy he was in love with. His best and only friend. Fuck, fuck.

~~~~~

When Eliot and Q met the next day, things weren't back to normal. They weren't terrible either. They acted weird around each other. Neither of them mentioned the fight though. And therefore there was a huge elephant in the room. From now on there was this giant unspoken thing and it didn’t go away.

Everytime Q opened his mouth, Eliot was scared he'd mention the fight. Mentioning it could very well mean more fighting.

The worst thing was that Eliot could see that Q was as affected by yesterday as Eliot was. He looked tired and sad but he was also quieter than usual.

Eliot wondered if it was how Quentin had been before he went to a mental hospital. Q had loosened up around him and now it hurt to see him eat his pizza without making any eye contact or having any conversation.

It was just Eliot talking about everything to fill the silence.

"You know, I think Ms. Fredrickson slept with Mr. Osmond.", Eliot leaned over the table, "I saw them arrive tomorrow this morning."

Q shrugged.

"I mean, they could have a carpool, but I'm getting vibes there.", Eliot continued the conversation, he was basically having with himself.

He was good at fighting his nerves with senseless talk.

"They would make a handsome baby, I guess."

Q shrugged again.

Eliot swallowed, he hadn't meant to be the one to break the silence but he had to say something. This couldn't be worse than fighting with Q, "Hey, I'm sorry. About yesterday."

Q looked up with wide eyes.

“I know that-. I didn’t- I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just- I want you to-”, Eliot stuttered, he hated it when his words failed him like this, “I want to spend as little time at home, as I can. It’s not that I don’t want you there. I don’t want to be there and I’d rather be somewhere else. I’d rather meet with you somewhere else.”

Quentin shook his head, “I just- Maybe I thought that you could be to me, what Julia was to me at home. I shouldn’t have expected that to be possible.”

The words hit Eliot like punch in the gut, “I-”

“It’s-”, Q stuttered, he seemed to be so anxious. Looked so nervous. He reminded him of the Q he’d first met, “”I should- I need to head to class.”

“That’s bullshit, Quentin.”, Eliot said, surprised that his voice wasn’t breaking, “I trust you. I told you things, I’ve never told anyone before. Just- just give me more time.”

Q stopped, but then he stood up, “It’s not just that.”

“What else? How can I prevent us from- from breaking apart?”

Quentin swallowed, “It’s me. I think,- I think the play was too much. My mental health is spiraling.”

“Really?”

Q nodded and looked at his feet, “It’s all too much-”

“You could have just told me.”

“I was worried.”, Quentin shoved his plate aside, “I break everything around me. I didn’t want to break our relationship. And I was worried that you’d stop hanging out with me after you got the role.”

Eliot stared at him, “You think that, I’d just drop you like a hot potato? That I used you to get the role?”

Q looked at Eliot, finally meeting his eyes, “No! No, no, I was just worried, you’d hang out with the others and-”, he stopped.

Eliot couldn’t really argue with that. He’d had the same fear just yesterday. He laughed. He couldn’t help it. Eliot laughed, because all of this was so dumb.

“What?”

“We are such idiots.”, Eliot giggled, “I had the same fear. And now, now, we are here almost ruining our friendship by trying not to ruin it.”

Quentin smiled, “Yeah.”

Eliot looked up at Q, he seemed to be a little more relaxed right now, “Look, let’s try to make a deal. Whenever, we feel that something could strain our friendship, we talk about it.”, Eliot was aware that he was a hypocrite for saying this to a guy, he was secretly in love with.

“Okay.”

“Good.”, Eliot smiled, “Let’s consider our friendship saved.”, he added softly. It was hard to ignore the pain, Q’s comment about Julia had caused but Eliot could understand it. Q had been friends with Julia for a very long time. It was unfair to expect their friendship to be at the same level after a month.

“Gladly.”, sighed and looked at his watch, “I really have to go to class now. Oh, and I can’t meet this weekend. I have- uhm, therapy.”

“Oh. Okay.”, Eliot said and shoved the remaining pieces of pizza into his mouth, “I hope it helps.”

“Yeah. Me too.”, Quentin swallowed, “El?”

“Yeah.”

“You helped me.”, Q said lamely, looking down at his shoes, “I think, my mental health would have taken a hit way earlier if it wasn’t for you.”

Eliot wasn't sure how he should respond to something like this. He smiled softly and nodded, "You helped me too."

Q smiled back at him and then he left the cafeteria. Eliot looked at the empty seat across the table and sighed. At least, he and Q were back on track. It would have been good to see Q this weekend though. He couldn't imagine the kind of torture his father would probably put him through after the theater revelation. It was a good thing, that it was almost winter. The majority of the work in the cold seasons was limited on fixing sheds and fences. 

It wasn't the kind of work Eliot liked but it was better than working in the mud or working on the field in the middle of a summer heat wave.

He hoped that therapy helped Q. While Eliot would like to be Q's emotional support, the way Julia had been, he wasn't sure if he was up to it. Eliot was a hot mess and not stable at all.

But he'd try. He wasn't sure if he could manage it but he'd try to support Quentin.

And maybe, just maybe they'd be more functional humans one day.

"Eliot?", 

El looked up. The voice was female, so it didn't trigger any of his instincts. He was well aware that some girls at school made fun of him but they never beat him up. Some probably could though.

"Maisie.", Eliot said and tilted his head,"Q just left for class, if you have questions about the play."

"I don't- well, I do. But I wanted to ask you, if we could practice together."

Eliot raised a brow, "Isn't that what rehearsals are for?"

“We could practice before.”

“We already have the roles, we have nothing to prove. And wouldn’t that be kinda unfair towards-”, Eliot stopped, he’d forgotten the name of the kid who was casted for Martin’s role. Victor? Vaughn? V-? Something like that. In an attempt to cover his ignorance, Eliot sighed, “Martin.”, he put little air quotes around the name.

“Vince.”, Maisie said, her lips twisting in annoyance. Of course she knew his name. She was a professional. She’d been in plays before and she probably wasn’t an asshole.

“Maybe you don’t care about this.”, Maisie crossed her arms, “But I do. I want to go to acting school. I’ll tape our play and I don’t want it to be ruined by some amateur.”

Okay. Maybe, she was an asshole. An ambitious one on top of that. She was one grade below Eliot and already worried about the time after High School. 

Eliot sighed, “I’m not-”

“Oh, yeah. Because you have starred in so many plays before. You are lucky, you are friends with the director and Ms. Simmons pities you.”

Okay. Maybe she was a gigantic asshole.

The worst part was, that her words actually hit as hard as she’d probably meant for them to hit. She’d seen Eliot’s audition. What if he had been terrible?

“I can hold my own.”, Eliot said, lips curling up into a sweet smile.   
Maisie crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, “So what is it? Do you want to practice with me?”

“After you’ve asked so sweetly? No.”

It would probably be smart to rehearse with his co-star but Eliot had absolutely no interest in spending any free time with that girl. 

At least, there was no way Q would make friends with her. That being said, Eliot had to admit that she was cute. Maisie had a pretty round face and big dark eyes. Maybe Q would fall in love with her.

Eliot had to stop himself from grimacing.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be an asshole.”

“Pot calling the kettle.”, Eliot said sweetly. Yes, he was an asshole too, “Now excuse me, I have classes. We see us at the first rehearsal.”

Maisie crossed her arms and shook her head but she actually let El walk away from the table.

It would probably be the best to be on good terms with the other members of the cast but he had no interest in people talking down on him like this. Maybe, he could smooth things over with Maisie over time.

~~~~~~~~~

The next school day was the day Quentin Coldwater broke down in the middle of class. He’d been weird all morning and Eliot should have known. He should have known. Q had been withdrawn and quiet. Eliot had tried talking with him about it, but Q had just said that he’d barely slept. Yeah, that might have been part of the story but Eliot could tell that it wasn’t the whole truth.

But he’d been unable to help, so Eliot had done what he did best. He talked to Quentin enough that he hoped it would be somewhat of a distraction. He talked about nonsense and about Fillory and he made lots of dumb jokes.

The best he’d gotten from Quentin that morning had been a quiete and reserved smile. Usually, Eliot loved these but usually they weren’t this rare. Usually Eliot was rewarded with these smiles, whenever he made a dumb joke during class. 

“Are you sure, you are okay?”, Eliot had asked the question just a few minutes before Quentin’s breakdown.

Q had nodded at that, “Yeah. Now focus on class.”, there had been no heat in Q’s voice. There had been no emotions in Q’s voice all day. 

Focusing on class had been impossible. Eliot had to fight the urge to stare at Quentin the whole time. He wasn’t even sure why. Probably to see if there was any hint of an emotion on the other boy’s fate that could tell him what was going on.

Eliot would have killed for a smile.

He would have burned down cities.

And then, it happened. Quentin started to cry in the middle of class. Before that he was fidgety. In retrospect, Eliot thought that he had performed some kind of breathing exercise before to prevent whatever was happening. But in the end it didn't seem to work because all of the sudden tears were streaming down Q's face and he started sobbing. Ms. Monham hurried up and knelt down next to Q, talking in a soft and calm voice. Some kids in class started to laugh. The worst part was that Eliot was frozen. He had no idea how to react. The rational part of his mind wanted to ask Q if he was okay, to escort him out of the room. At least that was what he could come up with.

The problem was that Eliot couldn't get his mouth to open or his body to move. He just sat there feeling more and more like a terrible friend. His eyes were focused on a potted plant by the window, as Ms. Monham brought Q out of the room. Eliot tried to find calm there.

_ You are a terrible friend. You are a terrible friend. You are a terrible friend. _

And then suddenly, the potted plant fell down.

Eliot felt something warm run down from his nostril. He still couldn't move. It was when the blood reached his nose and he could taste the metal, that Eliot finally regained control over his body.

He realised that the other students were arguing what made the plant fall. The popular choice was the wind.

Eliot grabbed a tissue from his bag and cleaned his face.

He’d done it again. Whatever he’d done, he’d done it again. And this time, he hasn’t hurt anyone. It was a good thing and Eliot should feel good about it. He should feel powerful because there was no denying it anymore. There was no denying that he had somehow power.

But he’d hurt Q.

Or at least Q was suffering. Without hesitating any longer, Eliot jumped up from his chair and grabbed his bag, stuffing in it what was still on the table. No one cared, when he left the classroom. Ms. Monham had probably taken Q to Ms. Temple the nurse or their principal. Anyway, Eliot knew where he had to go. He could explain his absence from class to his teacher, when he saw her. She’d understand.

And even if she wouldn’t: Eliot didn’t really care. It was more important to see Q. At least for now. Otherwise, Eliot would worry about him the whole weekend with no way to contact him and he couldn’t handle that. Not after their fight. Eliot swiftly walked down the hallway. 

It was always strange seeing it empty like this. Especially, when there was always the lingering fear of being ambushed by Martin or Kevin. Over years, Eliot had learnt to always be on high alert at school. It was a habit he couldn’t seem to rid himself off.

When Eliot arrived at the nurses office, he knocked carefully, “Hey, uhm, this is Eliot Waugh and I-uhm. I’m friends with Quentin. So if he’s, uhm, here, can I come in?”

The door opened and Eliot saw Ms. Monham looking at him. Behind her, Q was sitting on a bench, Ms. Temple kneeling in front of her. 

“I was just about to return to class.”, Ms. Monham said softly, “But I think a friend could help him.”

Eliot nodded. He wasn’t really looking at her. Instead, his eyes were fixed on Q. He looked small somehow.

Vulnerable. So vulnerable.

“What’s wrong?”, Eliot asked after he heard the door close and Ms. Monham leave the room.

“We aren’t entirely sure.”, Ms. Temple said, “It’s not physical.”

Eliot nodded. It would probably help telling her that Q had a history of depression but if Quentin hadn’t told her, then Eliot wouldn’t do it either.

“We already called his parents.”, Ms. Temple said quietly.

“I guess that’s good.”, Eliot swallowed, “Can- can you leave me alone with him? No offense but I think-”

“Please.”, Q said. His eyes were red and his voice was shaky and weak from crying. For a moment, Eliot was sure that Q would demand not to be left alone with Eliot and he prepared himself for the mental blow of it, “Please leave me with El for a bit- just.”

Ms. Temple nodded, “Sure.”

Eliot smiled at Q, hoping that it would help him to regain his own smile but instead Q just looked away.

With a sigh, Eliot sat down next to Quentin and waited until the door closed behind the nurse, “So. I’m sorry, that I was so- passive in there, Q. I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t move.”

“It’s- I don’t know what happened in there either.”

Eliot nodded, “Can you, can you try describing it?”

“It was all so much. It has been so much for a while and- Usually depression is a void of feelings. But in there- I don’t know- I had this void inside of me the whole day and then all of the sudden the void turned into sadness.”, Q swallowed, as his voice got shaky, “I don’t know. It was so, so much.”

“Can I do anything? What do you need?”

“I don’t know.”

Eliot gripped the bench tightly. He was so tense, “I mean you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow, right? That’s good.”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”,Eliot asked softly.

“I’m worried, I’ll end up in a hospital again. I’m scared. I don’t want to go back into a place like this. I really don’t want that.”

"I can understand that.", Eliot said, "I have no idea what you've been through but I can understand that you don't want that to happen again."

"I don't think I had an issue with being in there. It's- it's not so bad. Movies make it look terrible all the time. I think the issue I have is that- that I'm not out. That i'm not out in the real world."

"You don't like missing out."

"Yeah.",Q said calmly.

Eliot swallowed, "I mean they can't force you, right?"

"Only, if I'm in danger of harming myself or others."

Eliot frowned, at how well Q knew this kind of stuff, "Did you- Were you ever in danger of that?"

Q looked at his feet and shrugged. It was an answer in a way.

Eliot nodded, "I, uhm, I don't see you any different for that. I had- there was a time, when I- I didn't actively try to harm myself but there was a time, when I didn't really care about myself."

"That's still bad."

"I know. But I'm better now.", Eliot said and smiled weakly.

"Good."

"Are you- are you still considering it?"

Quentin shook his head and looked down, "Not anymore."

"Good. I would- if you would- I don't know what I'd-"

"You don't have to."

Eliot nodded, "Good. And that means that they won't put you in, right?"

"My parents might."

"But if you tell them, you don't want to be there?"

Q shrugged, "They don't always care."

"That sucks."

“That’s one way to put it.”, Q said flatly.


	12. the darkest of nights

Eliot couldn’t sleep that night. It was 2am Saturday morning and Eliot was still laying awake. He was staring at the ceiling with wide eyes. He’d tried to sleep. He really had but it just hadn’t worked out.

He couldn’t help but think about Quentin. It was nothing new but tonight it was intense. Very intense. Eliot rubbed his eyes. 

He’d been toying with an idea for a while now. He’d thought about grabbing his bike and riding to Q’s. The idea was that Eliot would toss a few stones against the window, just how they did it in movies, and then he could talk to Q. It was a very high risk, low reward kind of idea. If his Dad caught him sneaking in or out, he’d be in so much trouble and maybe Q wouldn’t even hear him toss the rocks. But it would surely help Eliot to feel better. Maybe he could even sleep, once he was back. Right now, that was all the motivation Eliot needed. He climbed out of his bed and grabbed a few clothes from his wardrobe. For once, he felt like there was no need to make sure he chose something that actually looked good. It was late at night and no one would see him. No one except for Q. Hopefully. And with Quentin Eliot never had to pretend.

Once he was dressed, Eliot grabbed a flashlight and his keys. The tricky part would be the front door of the farm. It was old and made a horrible squeaking sound whenever it was opened. The trick was to push and pull it upwards, when you opened and closed it. Sometimes that didn’t work but there was a higher chance of success, when you tried the trick. From then on, it should be easy. Even if Eliot was caught sneaking back inside, it shouldn’t be much of an issue. He could come up with some dumb excuse.

_ “Hi, Dad. I thought I heard something outside. Had to make sure it wasn’t a racoon, or thieves.” _

Yeah. It should work.

Eliot stuffed some of his clothes under his blanket. Just in case. It was unlikely that anyone of his family would check on him, but why not? Then he made his way out of his room. He tiptoed carefully, making sure not to make any sound. He knew the position of most of the louder floorboards and he tried his best to avoid him. It was probably a good thing that Eliot’s father got drunk last night. His sleep should be deep enough that he wouldn’t be easily disturbed. The biggest risk should be Jeff. The room of Eliot’s second oldest brother was the closest to his.

Eliot felt like a secret agent in some action movie, as he made his way downstairs. It was as if he was avoiding laser beams or other elaborate traps instead of squeaking floorboards. For a moment Eliot thought about the bus and the potted plant. Could he fly if he wanted? He’d tried but-

All of the sudden, Eliot realised something. He’d tried flying before but he wasn’t eager to attempt it again. He was too scared. He cared too much.

At the thought, he had to smile. It was such a simple thing. At least it sounded so simple. All Eliot did was care about his own health. But it was special. Because Eliot knew what it felt like not to care.

He reached the bottom of the stairs and let out a breath of relief. Now there was just the door he had to handle.

Eliot pulled his keys out of his pockets, carefully not to make them jingle. He slowly pushed the key into the lock and wrapped his hand around the handle. As he twisted the key, Eliot pulled the door up with all of his strength. 

_ Squeeee. _

Eliot froze. For a few seconds all he could hear was his own heartbeat. The blood rushing through his ears. There was no sound coming from upstairs. No steps, no floorboard. Eliot still waited until he opened the door any further. Just to be sure. The rest of the door opened without any protests. Eliot slipped out and then pulled it closed just as careful. No sound. No light turned on upstairs.

Outside it was almost pitch black. There was little moonlight but it would have to be enough until Eliot had his bike. 

Luckily the shed wasn’t far away and it was easy for Eliot to find his way in the dark. Once he was inside, he turned on his flashlight and unlocked his bike, then he turned off the light again.

Eliot pushed it outside and then away from the farm. He wanted to get a few hundred feet between himself and the house before he turned on the flashlight again. Eliot looked over his shoulders, just checking the lights in the farm once more, before he finally climbed on his bike. 

It was different to ride at night. Not just because Eliot had to hold a flashlight in one hand. It was all so quiet. There were no cars, no people, no birds. Nothing. It was as if Eliot was the only person in the whole world. As if he could form it all anew. Everything about this should be scary or at least uncomfortable but it didn’t feel that way. It felt as if Eliot was finally free. 

Besides that, he liked the whole concept of this. He’d snuck out of home late at night to see the boy, he was secretly in love with. There was something poetic to it. Something very Romeo and Juliette.

If Juliette had lived in bum fuck Indiana and if Romeo had come riding an ugly old bike. It was close enough though. Eliot would prefer a Fillory metaphor but there was no such thing as romantic love in these books. At least, if you left Rupert's unnamed and only hinted at love interest aside.

When Eliot finally reached the town, he could turn off the flashlight. The lanterns weren't on this time of the night but it was the weekend and there was still a fair share of light in most of the houses.  
If the driving through the fields at night had felt free, driving through town felt wrong. It was like some twisted parallel dimension. It had no business being this empty. But it was also somewhat calming. It made Eliot feel safe. No people meant no one to hurt him and that was nice.  


He took a sharp turn, when he reached the park. He had ten, maybe five minutes left until he'd reach Q's place. Eliot had to smile at the thought. Hopefully, Quentin wasn't asleep. He'd told El once that he tended to go to bed early. But maybe it was different tonight. Or Eliot would have to wake him. Although that might not be the nicest option.

He'd hope for Q being still up. Whenever he felt bad, El's friend escaped to Fillory, so maybe he was still up reading. At that moment, Eliot realised that he'd never asked Q about his favorite book in the series. He knew this. It was The World in the Walls. Obviously. It had been the one with Q's nerdy comments in it. Maybe that had influenced El to like this one more than the others.

Maybe, if Q told him what his favorite was, it would influence Eliot as well.

He was almost through the whole series. The boons didn't decline rapidly in quality but to some degree, they did.

It wasn't that they went from good to bad. They went from good to less good.

There weren't any major fuck ups just plots that were less coherent and less interesting. And besides that Martin being Plovers favorite became more obvious. And it still felt somewhat weird. Or at least it still made El uncomfortable.

When Eliot reached Q’s house, he found it dark. There was no light behind the windows of Q’s room and Eliot hesitated. This had been a dumb idea. This had been a very dumb idea. He’d be tired as fuck tomorrow and all for nothing. But he might as well try. See if he could wake Q.

He reached for a few small pebbles on the ground and weighted them in his hand. They were fairly light but Eliot still couldn’t help it. What if he’d break the window. Was this whole thing just a stupid trope from TV or movies? And what if Eliot missed and hit the windows of another room instead? He wasn’t good at throwing things. He could hit the window of Q’s parents bedroom instead. That would be awkward.

_ Hi, I’m your son’s friend. Don’t mind me, I meant to wake him in the middle of the night. Nothing to worry about. _

But, he could always bike back home.

Measuring the distance, Eliot threw the first pebble. It hit the wall next to Q’s window. Great. The second one got closer and the third one finally hit the glass. The window didn’t break, instead there was a silent ‘Thump’ sound. Eliot wasn’t sure if it was enough to wake Q. He had no idea how light Q’s sleep usually was or if the sound was louder inside. 

Eliot tried it again. He hit the target.

Again. He missed.

Then the window opened, “What?”, Q stuck his head out. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and his hair was a mess. It stuck into every possible direction. Eliot wanted to climb up there and get his hand into that mess to smooth it down. Or maybe not? It would destroy the wildness of it, he figured. 

“Hey.”, Eliot whispered.

“El?”, Quentin squinted. Eliot wondered just how bad his sight was without these cute nerdy glasses.

“Yeah.”, Eliot stepped forward waving slightly, “I couldn’t sleep. And I wanted to know if you were better.”

“Won’t this get you in trouble?”, Quentin asked and looked around, as if Eliot’s father might walk down the street any moment. It was amazing how considerable Quentin was. How this was the thing, he worried about. Out of all things.

“Only if I get caught.”, Eliot said and then shook his head, “It will be fine. I can make up a lie, when I sneak back in. It’s all okay.”

Q looked sceptical. Well, as far as Eliot could tell in the dim light, “I don’t like this.”

“I’m sorry.”, El shrugged, “But I mean- I’m here now.”

“That you are.”, Quentin sighed.

“How- how are you?”, Eliot asked after a short moment.   
Quentin shrugged, “Better. I guess.”

“So, they won’t send you away?”

Q flinched and shook his head slowly, Eliot shouldn’t have asked this. It only hurt him, “I-I don’t know. They want to wait for what my therapist says.”

Eliot swallowed. He didn’t like this answer. Sure, it was better than Q telling him that he’d be sent to an asylum tomorrow but it wasn’t an outright confirmation that Q wouldn’t just- be locked away. The thought alone made Eliot sick.

“I’ll come again tomorrow then.”, Eliot said. The words just escaped his mouth.

“I have therapy tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow night, I mean.”, Eliot added quickly, “Two am. And then you can tell me what happened and we-”

“We what?”, Q asked, desperation clouding his voice, “What do you want then? What would it help, I-”

Eliot shrugged, “We could run.”, he knew that it was bullshit and that neither of them would do it. But he wished for it. He wished for it so much.

“We both know we can’t.”

Eliot nodded. Q hadn’t said that he didn’t want it. That was something, “I just want you to know you are not- alone.”, Eliot reached for one of the buttons of his shirt and tore it off. It wasn’t his favorite piece and even if it was- he didn’t care. 

“El what-?”

Eliot tossed the button up and it actually landed somewhere in Q’s room behind the other boy, “What the hell?”, Quentin asked.

“It’s- so that you know, I’m there. When you have therapy tomorrow. I want you to know, I’m there, okay?”

Quentin smiled. Eliot could see it even in the light that was barely there. Quentin smiled. It was beautiful and Eliot hated that he could barely see it, “Okay.”

Eliot nodded, “And I- I will still come over tomorrow night.”

“I-I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too.”, Eliot said softly, “Me too.”

“You should head home.”, Q said and hid a yawn, “I’m super tired and I need sleep and-”

“I’m sorry, I woke you.”, Eliot mumbled. He should have known that sleep was important for Q’s psyche. He should have fucking known.

Quentin shook his head, “No, no. I’m happy, you came over. Very, very happy. Wait-”, Q vanished in his room and Eliot just stood there. 

After a few seconds, Q reappeared. He smiled down at Eliot, “It’s a little something for the way back home. Catch.”

“I’m not good at ca-”, at that exact moment, Q tossed something down. To his own surprise, Eliot actually got his hands on it, before it hit the ground. He was sure that this was mostly due to Q’s decent throw and not due to Eliot’s catch. The thing, Q had thrown, was dry and light in his hands.

One of the cookies.

“See. It worked.”, Quentin said.

“Thanks.”

Q shrugged, “Thank- thank you. I think, I needed this.”

The way back home Eliot couldn't stop thinking about Q standing up there by the window. Weirdly enough the whole thing had been every bit as much Romeo and Juliette as El had hoped it would be. At least it had felt that way.

Even as he left the town and rode along the fields, Eliot could still taste the cookie on his tongue. He could still hear Q's voice, he could still see his face. It was incredibly cheesy but it was how he felt. Eliot had always been a dramatic person and somehow it felt fitting that the way he loved people was, apparently, dramatic as well. Maybe that was the only way he could do anything. Be dramatic about it. It seemed fitting that what he felt would never be mutual. Because if Eliot had learnt one thing from Tv it was that apparently love stories always had to be painful for everyone involved.

He'd hoped that it was something that wouldn't apply to real life but apparently he'd been wrong there.

At least, he could still be friends with Q.  _ Unless he has to go to a mental hospital. _

Eliot tried to shake the thought away by physically shaking his head. He had no idea how this worked. How long would Q be institutionalized? Would he come back and still be the same boy?

No. There was no way, Quentin could just be swept away again like nothing happened. It was dumb.

Q would stay at their school. From what Eliot knew about mental health, he could tell that a stable environment was important. Friends were important. Maybe Q needed El as much as Eliot needed him and a Doctor should know that. Right?

Eliot came to a halt in front of their house and locked his bike. It was 3 am now. Not that much time left for sleep but he’d make it work. It had to be enough. Tomorrow night he’d bike to Q’s again. Sleep wasn’t gonna be a priority this weekend.

Carefully, Eliot unlocked the door, lifting it up a little as he had before. This time, it made no sound and Eliot let out a breath of relief. He wouldn’t have to come up with a story. At least not unless he made a floorboard squeak inside. 

Every step, Eliot took as he walked upstairs was well calculated. Well thought through. Careful step after careful step.

“The fuck are you doing?”

Eliot looked up, eyes wide with panic. Jeff was staring down at him, one eyebrow raised curiously. Sadistic asshole.

“I-I was- I thought, I heard something.”

“I’ve been awake for half an hour. Didn’t hear you sneak out.”

Shit. Eliot swallowed, “I- I was- I had- I heard the sound a little while ago and I decided to stay outside. I needed some fresh air. Couldn’t sleep.”, Eliot shrugged, “Maybe I woke you up, when I went outside.”

Jeff gave him a look that told Eliot that there was no way he believed him. The question now was, if he cared enough to dig further or if he’d let it drop.

“Whatever.”

Eliot had to keep himself from letting out a breath of relief, “Yeah, uhm, I’m gonna head to bed now.”

“I won’t tell that you snuck out, if you don’t tell I’m about to sneak out.”, Jeff said, his lips curling into a smile.   
“Deal.”, Eliot muttered. He was well aware that this wasn’t a real deal. His father was more likely to believe Jeff, then he was to believe El. He was also more likely to punish El than to punish Jeff. But it was something.

Jeff smirked and walked past Eliot downstairs. Eliot quickly slipped into his room before Jeff could unlock the door. He didn’t want to risk being caught if that idiot made it squeak. He wondered, where Jeff was headed. Probably some girl in town. 

Very likely some girl in town.

Either that or it was a drug thing. He knew that Jeff did drugs. Eliot had no idea what kind but he was well aware that his brother was taking some. No one else in the family had noticed but Eliot had. He himself was curious about them. Drugs were supposed to make you feel happy and Eliot very much liked the idea of that. The truth was, the only thing that kept him from trying them was the fear of his father if he found out and the fact that he had no idea how to get any drugs. Sure, he could ask Jeff but there was no way his brother would help him. He’d laugh or tell their father.

Eliot sighed and laid down in his bed. His hand wandered to where the button was missing. He had no idea where the idea to gift it to Q had come from but he felt like he did the right thing. Sure, a button wasn’t a great gift. Eliot would have brought Q something else if he’d have had the idea before he’d left his room. But it had been a spontaneous gesture. He wondered if Q was still up. If he was running his hand over the button. Maybe Quentin was wondering about what Eliot was thinking now. Somehow he liked the idea of that. 

Eliot didn’t undress before he fell asleep. He just closed his eyes and when he opened them, the morning light was shining through the window. For a moment Eliot wondered if last night had been a dream. It felt like a dream. Such a grand romantic gesture just didn’t feel like something Eliot would usually do. But then, his hand found the spot, where he’d ripped out the button.

Not a dream. A real night.

After that realisation it was somehow ridiculous, that he’d ever doubted the realness of it. Last night felt real. Somehow it felt much more real than most of his life. It was as if everything before this school year was a dream. Everything before Q felt like a dream. No. Not a dream. A nightmare. A nightmare, Eliot had been woken from the day Quentin arrived. Eliot swallowed and sat up on his bed. It couldn’t be long until he was needed on the farm. Until his Dad or Jeff or his Mom or Rafael come waltzing in to demand something. Of course, Eliot could just leave his room and take the initiative, but why should he? Instead he pulled the script out from under the mattress.

It was twenty minutes, until Rafael walked into El’s room. Eliot had spent the time before that by going through the script and writing little comments next to some lines. Red for hints to himself. Black for comments on Q’s writing.

He wanted to read it the way, Q had read the Fillory books. He wanted to experience it the way, Q had experienced the Fillory books. If he was being honest, Eliot wanted to experience the world the way Quentin did. The good and the bad. 

Eliot was so in love with him.

But now was not the time to swoon over Q. Maybe there would never be a right time for it. As much, as the thought hurt. Instead Eliot had to help on the farm. It would be hard to keep himself from thinking about Quentin though..Quentin who might be talking to his therapist right now. How long would it take for him to get into a mental hospital? It was probably a money issue and from what Eliot knew Q's family had some of it.

But he'd still be in his room tonight. Eliot was sure that there was no way a therapist would just say.  _ He should be hospitalised. _ And then a moment later the patient was brought into an asylum or whatever. Not unless Q was a danger to himself and others. And he wasn't. So no matter what, Eliot would see Q again. The thought calmed him although he was well aware that he was being egoistic. It wouldn't help Quentin but it did help Eliot.

It allowed his mind to focus on other stuff. Like fixing the holes in the barn and the small shed.

But the distraction only helped for a bit. His mind kept bouncing back to his friend. What would happen with the play? Would they just settle for a crappy Les Mis adaption?

Would Q still be allowed to see Eliot. Eliot had too little knowledge of mental hospitals to answer that question. Were people allowed in there? Visitors who weren't family.

Eliot wasn't just worried about Q. Sure that was a huge part of it but he was also worried for himself. No. He wasn't just worried, he was utterly terrified.


	13. the darkest of nights ii

When Eliot snuck out of the farmhouse the night after, he was tired. Last night he’d been completely incapable to fall asleep. Tonight it was the opposite. His eyes would probably fall shut, if it wasn’t for the cold wind hitting his face, as he drove towards the town. But he couldn’t- he couldn’t not show up. He’d promised Q to visit him tonight and that he would do.

Besides he was so worried about Q’s future that it seemed unlikely that he’d be able to sleep soundly.

The night was a lot colder than it had been yesterday, not quite cold enough for Eliot to see his breath in the air but it felt close to it. 

It started to rain as soon, as Eliot reached the outer limits of the town. It started slowly but the rain got stronger and stronger with each moment.

By the time Eliot reached Q’s house, he was soaked. His hair was stuck to his forehead and his clothes were stuck to his body.

“Shit.”, a silent voice hissed from somewhere in the dark.    
Eliot climbed off his bike and saw Q stand in front of the house, arms crossed and back pressed against the wall, so that he wouldn’t get wet.

“Hey.”, Eliot replied with a weak smile.

“I thought you wouldn’t come.”

“I promised you.”

Q shook his head, “But this is dumb. It’s a damn downpour.”

Eliot shook his head and repeated, “I promised you.”

“You are such an idiot.”, Quentin said before he winced, “Sorry.”

“No, no- I am.”, Eliot crossed his arms to get some warmth back into his body, “But I couldn’t leave you waiting. And it wasn’t raining, when I left the farm.”

Quentin sighed and looked around, as if he was worried about being caught standing in front of his own house, “Come inside. But be quiet. I don’t want my parents to wake up.”

Eliot swallowed, “You don’t have to risk getting in trouble because of me.”

“I won’t get in trouble. Even if they caught me.”, Q said and opened the door to his house, before he lowered his voice, “I’d just prefer if we didn’t wake them.”

“I-”, Eliot started but then stopped. He was damn cold and if he lost his voice now, he might still be kicked out of the play. Besides, he had some questions for Q. Without saying another word, Eliot followed Quentin inside.

Q closed the door behind them. He didn’t have to stop it from squeaking. Somehow Eliot noticed that.

Quentin led him through another door, closing it behind them. Again no sound. Eliot looked around and saw that he was standing in the kitchen. It was small and homey. Just like everything in the Coldwater house. The cabinets were made of wood, painted in pastel blue. Without saying another word, Quentin pushed past Eliot and grabbed a few cups from a cabinet above the sink.

“What are you doing?”

“Cooking hot chocolate.”

Eliot blinked dumbly, “For me?”

“Of course.”, Quentin said, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. Only now Eliot realised that Q was in his pajamas. It made sense since it was in the middle of the night but Eliot hadn’t really been prepared for the sight. Q’s pajamas were as blue as the cabinets, the sleeves were long just like they were with most of Quentin’s clothes. And his eyes were as messy, as they’d been the night before.

“Th-thanks.”, Eliot said, trying to ignore how beautiful Q was.

“I hope, it’s enough to warm you a bit.”, Quentin said, as he poured milk in the cups.

“It’s okay.”

Q shook his head, “No, it’s not, you are absolutely soaked. You need to wait in here until it stops raining. I won’t let you ride back when the weather is like this.”

Eliot opened his mouth but then he saw that he’d left little puddles on the floor. Saying that he was soaked wasn’t overstating it. Shit.

“Stay here.”, Quentin muttered, “I’ll get towels from the bathroom and maybe some of my clothes. They might be a little too small, but-”

“Q-”

“No. You don’t get to Q me for worrying about you.”

Eliot shook his head, “What- what did the therapist say?”

Q looked at Eliot, while he pressed buttons on the microwave, wincing when it made sounds, “I won’t have to go to a psychiatric hospital.”

Eliot let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Yeah.”, Quentin smiled a little, “But I’ll have to get some new meds.”

“But that’s better than-”

“Yeah.”, Quentin said, “But can we- Can we not talk about it right now?”

“Sure.”, Eliot nodded.

“Good.”, Q ran a hand through his hair and pointed at the microwave, “Stop it before the timer runs down or it will beep. I’ll go upstairs and grab clothes and towels.”

“Q. I can’t-”

“Yes. You can.”, Q muttered. He was unusually bossy tonight and Eliot kinda liked that. It was nice to see him standing up for himself.

Q returned a few moments later, Eliot had just managed to stop the microwave before it could make any sound. Quentin had his arms filled with clothes and towels.

"You know, I do have clothes at home. You don't have to gift me enough for a lifetime."

Q smiled softly, "I wasn't sure, what would fit. And come on, you could go through these in like two days."

Eliot smiled back, "Yeah. Yeah. You win."

Q shook his head and dumped the clothes on the dining table, "I'll put some marshmallows on the chocolate and you can see what fits in the meantime."

"Don't boss me around.", Eliot said lightly and walked towards the table to have a look at the clothes. They were all a little bland. That was basically Q's style although it was a bit ironic for someone with a personality as interesting as Q's to have such a bland taste when it came to fashion.

Eventually Eliot settled for a dark red sweater and some light jeans. They were the boldest pieces of the bunch. Eliot knew that he was blushing, when he stripped out of his wet clothes. He turned his back to Q. He wouldn't be able to look at him, while he was half naked. When Eliot slipped into the sweater he realised how much it smelled like Q. It shouldn't be a surprise. They were his clothes. Of course they smelled like him. 

Eliot tried to ignore how it made him feel and instead focused on smoothing the fabric down his chest. The pants were way too short but apart from that it was all okay. When Eliot turned around, he saw Q quickly looking away and staring at the hot chocolate.

"How do I look?", Eliot asked carefully.

"Better than I ever looked in these clothes."

Eliot wanted to say that he was sure that this wasn’t true but then he decided against it. Telling Q that he was handsome was crossing into a dangerous territory, so he just smiled, “Well it’s me, so don’t feel bad about it.”

Quentin laughed, shaking his head and then handed Eliot his chocolate. Eliot inhaled the steam for a few moments before he took the first sip. It was warm but not too hot and luckily not hot enough to burn his tongue.

“Good?”, Q asked, after he’d taken a sip of his own.

“Yeah.”, Eliot looked at his friend. Quentin was surprisingly tense. The other times Eliot had visited Q at home he’d been relaxed. Tonight was different.

Maybe, he was just tired.

“Thank you.”, Eliot said softly, “For all of this. For everything.”

Q smiled and took another sip of his chocolate, “No problem.”, he looked out of the window, “It’s still raining.”

“Yeah.”, Eliot sighed, “I’ll have to head home within a few hours though. I can’t wait forever.”

“We wait a little.”, Q pushed himself away from the counter and walked past Eliot to sit down in the living room, “Maybe it will stop or maybe the rain will slow down at least. It can hardly get worse than it is.”

Eliot followed him, “Yeah, that’s- yeah.”

Q sighed and fished a marshmallow out of his chocolate, “Thank you for coming over though.”

“I promised.”

“I know, but- I really needed this.”, he paused and looked down. Eliot saw that his eyes were moving quickly, as he spoke, “And I, uhm, I really wanted you to know that I don’t have to- that I can stay here.”

Elio swallowed and cast his own eyes downward. He looked at the marshmallows, swimming in the brown liquid, “I’m really glad that you can. I was- I was so worried. I couldn’t think about anything else really.”

Eliot didn’t dare to look up. He wondered if Q was still looking down. Were they two idiots sitting a few feet away from the other both staring at their hot beverages like they were the greatest thing ever?

“I wish-”, Q said and then he stopped abruptly, as if he had meant to say something that scared him as soon, as he started to speak out. Then however, Eliot heard him take a shaky inhale, “I wish, I could help you. With your father. With your family. You say that you hate it and that everything is terrible. I-I- wish, I could help you the way you help me with my- with my stupid- head.”. Quentin’s voice cracked at that and Eliot couldn’t help but look up at him. Q had stopped staring at the chocolate. Instead he was looking at Eliot with an intense stare. Eliot had only ever seen him look at his Fillory books or the script that way before.

“Q.”, Eliot said softly and he found his voice failing him. He wanted to admit everything. That he loved Q and that he thought about him every waking moment. And that he dreamt of him when he was asleep. But Eliot couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. It would destroy everything.

“Q.”Eliot started again, “You do help me. Everyday, you help me.”

Back home, Eliot laid down in his bed. The rain had stopped about an hour after he’d arrived at Q and El had used the chance to head back home. He’d stuffed his wet clothes into a plastic bag and just put them in the laundry basket in his room. Eliot was still wearing Q’s clothes. He couldn’t bring himself to undress just yet. Sure denim jeans weren’t as comfortable as pajama pants but they were Q’s and that thought alone was electrifying. It made him dizzy.

They hadn’t talked that much the night. Mainly, they just sat there, drinking their chocolate and waiting.

It hadn’t been uncomfortable though. Just the two of them enjoying each others presence and taking comfort in that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday came fast. It was funny how Eliot had started to appreciate school more and more since meeting Quentin. Sure, he’d liked how it usually got him away from the farm and he’d liked the sense of accomplishment whenever he did well in class, which was always, but he’d never liked it this much.

When Eliot climbed out of the car, Q was standing in front of the school, smiling at him. Eliot liked that Quentin had started waiting for him outside. He liked to believe that the other boy just couldn’t wait the few extra minutes to see him.

There was probably another reason but the thought alone was enough to make Eliot smile everytime it went through his head.

“Quentin!”, Eliot waved and jogged up to him.

“Hey.”

Eliot lowered his voice and held out the plastic bag, “Brought you your clothes.”

“Thanks.”, Q took the bag and then inclined his head. He looked a lot like a puppy at that moment, “Did you get home alright?”

“Yeah. It didn’t rain the rest of the night, I believe.”

Q shrugged, “Oh, uhm, I fell asleep immediately after you left, so I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. That is-”, Eliot said, “That happens a lot of times, I’m so much fun, that people just become overwhelmed with boredom and fall asleep whenever I leave the room.”

Quentin groaned and nudged El’s arm, “Come on.”

“It’s a curse really. Nothing to make fun off.”

Q snorted and shook his head, “I’m, uhm, talking with the sewing club in the break. About the costumes.”

“Okay?”

“Do you- uhm, wanna come with me? You know more about fashion and clothes than I do and I think it could be fun. Maybe.”

“Sure.”, Eliot couldn’t help the smile that was escaping him, “Sounds like fun and I do have some great ideas.”

“I bet they are glamorous.”

“That’s a great way to put it.”, Eliot said and ran a hand down his shirt. It was far from glamorous.

Q shrugged and walked ahead towards the entrance, "I think, it's the only way to put it that fits you."

Eliot smiled and followed him, "So wednesday is when we start with the rehearsals?"

"Yeah."

"Maisie wanted me to practice with her in private."

"Oh.", Q said and looked up at him, "Did you say yes?"

"No."

Q blinked as if he was super surprised by that. Eliot hoped he wasn't offended or angry at him, "Why not?"

"She was super rude."

"Oh.", Quentin said and swallowed.

"It won't affect the way we play together.", Eliot said quickly, "At least, I don't think so."

"It's okay. If she was rude, you were right to say no."

Eliot nodded, "I know."

Q opened the door and shrugged, "I just think that it would have been a nice chance to get to know her, which is why I'm kinda surprised."

"Why would I want to be alone with her?", Eliot asked, before it dawned on him.  _ Oh, yeah. That.  _

"I mean she's cute.", Q shrugged and Eliot felt an immediate surge of jealousy. 

"That's just your Fillory boner for Jane.", Eliot said quickly. It was a little mean to Maisie. She was pretty but none except for Q had hurt it.

"I don't-", Quentin said and looked at the floor, "I don't have the hots for Jane."

Eliot smiled, relieved that he'd stopped Q from talking about Maisie and Eliot's lack of interest in her.

"So would you make the royal clothes colorful or simple."

Eliot laughed, "You know me."

"Colorful then."

"Yeah."

Quentin laughed, light and cheerful, “Yeah, yeah, I expected this much.”

“I’m actually surprised you even bothered to ask.”, Eliot said, his lips curling up into a smile, “I mean it’s pretty obvious.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”, Q sighed, “And I bet you are gonna love wearing the costumes.”

“Of course. What about the set design?”

“A few art classes are on it. I told them what I imagine.”, Q sighed and ran a hand down his face, knocking his glasses askew, “I just hope it’s not a complete disaster, I don’t like giving tasks away. Not when I’m this passionate about something, you know?”

“I get it, but you have to put some trust into people.”, Eliot hesitated, “This is so weird coming from me.”

Q smiled, “I-I guess. I’m not good with that.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”, Eliot rubbed his head before pushing some unruly curls into place, “Which is why it’s kind of- I shouldn’t tell you that but you shouldn’t stress too much.”, Eliot decided not to remind Q of his mental health, “Look, we can maybe- We can check in a few times on the progress. You can give them some feedback then.”

“Yeah, yeah. That does sound like a compromise.”, Q nodded, “I just- I want this to be perfect. Fillory did so much for me and- I kinda hope that maybe some kids will see the play and then discover it for themselves. And maybe- just maybe it can help these kids as well. Maybe it can save them.” The enthusiasm Q put in these words was one of the reasons why Eliot had fallen in love with Q, but he could see his friend slowly bending from the pressure. “Q.”, Eliot said softly, “I- Your intentions are- they are good. What you want to achieve is amazing. Honorable, I guess. But think about yourself, okay? And you already helped some other kid with the play.”

Quentin adjusted his glasses and looked at Eliot, “Really- I- who?”

Sometimes Q was so refreshingly oblivious, “Me.”

It wasn’t the full truth. Yes, Eliot enjoyed Fillory and he liked how it distracted him from reality. But it wasn’t really how Eliot’s life had turned infinitely better these past few weeks. It was because of Q. Quentin had helped Eliot and maybe even saved his life. Not with the play he’d put all of his heart into but with his own personality.

Q smiled at that, “Right.”, he looked away. Eliot had learnt to read Quentin by now. At least a little. The other boy rarely made eye contact but there was a difference between avoiding eye contact and looking away. Whenever Q looked away, he was about to say something really personal. Something that was hard for him to admit. Eliot’s body had developed its own reaction to Q’s habits by now. When Q looked away like this, it always made him feel giddy.

“You helped me too.”, Quentin said quietly, “You saved me. Just like Julia did back- back home.”

Eliot felt as if he was flying and at the same time, he felt sad for Q. Noone should rely on him to save their life, “I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s a first.”

“Let’s just say-”, Eliot paused, dramatically tapping his chin with his index finger, “Let’s just say that it’s good that we are friends.”

“Very good.”

They sat down in the classroom, by now there were also a few other students inside. Eliot wondered if they were early or if Q and him were late.

“I’m free this weekend.”, Quentin said, voice a little lowered.

Eliot had once jumped down from a high cliff and into a lake. This moment felt exactly like that leap, “What?”

“You can come over. To practice.”

_ Oh. Right. _

"Yeah. Sounds good.", Eliot said quickly. He hoped that his disappointment wouldn't show. The weird thing was, that he himself hadn't been sure what he'd expected. Of course it was about the play. What had he hoped for? 

Q asking him out to some candle light dinner?

"Good.", Quentin said, "I think the extra practice will help."

"Well thank you for your confidence in me."

Q frowned, "Oh, not because of that. I actually meant for me. It gives me a better impression of the scene. I mean once I see it play out a little in front of me, it becomes more clear, if you get that."

"I do."

Q nodded, seemingly pleased with himself for explaining it that way, "I- I just, it's so exciting to bring this to live but sometimes it's hard to imagine and- there are no movies or anything. To be fair, I'm happy about that. There was a plan for an adaption and it was supposed to be skateboarding Americans and-"

"Are you okay?", Eliot asked. Q was always rambling but never this much uninterrupted.

"I guess- I got my joy back. When I started this play, it was for fun. Then it was an obligation. But I think- just now, just moments ago. It stopped being that and turned fun again. Does this make sense?"

"Yeah."

Q smiled, "I think it is because of what you told me. That I helped you. It lifted some pressure."

Eliot smiled at Q and placed a hand on his shoulder, "I have that effect on people."

"Maybe I just needed to hear that. That I actually fixed something. Instead of breaking it. It feels good."

"Get used to it.", Eliot grinned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eliot was tired, when he met up with Q over lunch. The school day had drained all that had been left of his energy. He just wanted to sleep. For a few thousand years preferably. At the same time he was excited though. He liked the idea of being involved in the design of the costumes and even more, he liked the idea of meeting with Q.

They’d agreed to meet up in front of the room of the school’s sewing club. Eliot had considered joining a few times but he knew that this was something he’d never be able to explain to his father. He might not even be able to construct a lie around this. Theater was probably for the better. Eliot was still excited to gain some sort of insight into how the club worked. In a way it was also a look at what he’d missed and would continue to miss out on but it should be acceptable. He had Q and he had theater.

“Hey.”, Quentin waved.

“You’re here.”

“Obviously.”, Q said flatly and then looked at the ground, “Sorry I’m late. I needed a little longer on the way here.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.”, Quentin said quickly and then looked at the ground, “I’m fine, I just-”. Something about him was off. He was fidgety. A little like he’d been before his breakdown- but- different. Eliot couldn’t put a name to it but it was something else. And it was oddly familiar.

He swallowed, “Q something is wrong. What is it? Please. Please tell me.”

“Kevin and Martin.”

Eliot saw red. He’d never understood the meaning of that say before. He did now. Everything was tinted in red. He felt hot with anger and rage, “What?”, he was surprised by the flatness of his own voice. Eliot recognized that he spoke the way characters in movies spoke, whenever they were about to snap. Was he about to snap? He knew that there was a mantra. Something he usually whispered to himself when he got angry but he couldn’t remember it.

_ Don’t hurt them. Don’t hurt them. _

The voice inside of Eliot’s head was small and weak. Why shouldn’t he hurt them? Wouldn’t that be fair.

“It wasn’t-”, Q’s voice echoed through the low hum in his head, “They didn’t hurt me. Just made dumb, dumb comments.”

Anger, shame, fear and even more anger. At least, Eliot could name the emotions he felt at that moment. Somewhere down the hallway a trash can fell over. Somehow it didn’t surprise Eliot. Q on the other hand flinched from the sound, turning towards its source.

“What the-?”, Quentin turned back, “Did you see who knocked it o- You’re bleeding.”

Eliot was confused for a moment, then he felt the warm liquid run down his nose. The anger wasn’t there anymore.

_ Don’t hurt Q. _

“El?”, Quentin asked. His voice was so soft and quiet. For a moment Eliot had the irrational thought that Q was afraid of him. Then he interpreted the tone of Quentin’s voice anew. It was concerning.

“I’m- I’m fine. I just hate them so much.”

Q nodded and opened his mouth, before closing it without saying a thing. Instead, he reached into his backpack and pulled something out. A small paper towel, “Let me-”, Q leaned forward and dabbed at the space between El’s mouth and nose. At his upper lip. Quentin was close to him. Eliot had to shut his eyes or it would all be- all be too much. He figured that the only reason he didn’t have a raging boner by now was his state of emotional confusion. He was sure that he’d relive this moment in a lot of his future wet dreams though.

“I think that’s it.”, Quentin said softly, pulling the bloody paper towel away.

“Thank you.”

“Not for that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gay panic*


	14. onstage

The costumes were good. Eliot had to admit that they were better made than anything he could have managed at home. Maybe it was because he was basically self taught or he just lacked talent when it came to sewing. Either way, the club had created amazing costumes for the play. The best part about that was Q's utter joy. Apparently they looked exactly the way, he'd imagined them Eliot on the other hand had to admit that he had thought of something even more colorful but he was sure that it was mainly a personal preference. What mattered was that Q was happy and that the clothes were nothing Eliot would feel embarrassed about. 

He should be happy and he was. Mostly. But Eliot couldn't stop thinking about earlier. He'd felt the warmth of Q's finger through the paper. It had almost been as if Q had directly touched his lip.

And Quentin Coldwater touching Eliot's lips was something that caused Eliot to feel all sorts of things. Most of them were positive but they weren't really suited for school. Or public in general.

Eliot would deal with some of these "feelings" later at home. In bed. The rest of them, he'd bottle away. Like everything that was related to bottles it might not be the healthy way to go but beggars can't be choosers.

Locking feelings away had gotten Eliot through life well enough so far and why change a working method?

"El?", Q asked and Eliot needed a few seconds to ground himself back in reality.

"Yeah?"

"What do you think?", Quentin was holding a sketch. It was supposed to show a dress for Jane.

Eliot put a finger to his lip, "I don't like the color. I think red and yellow are too bold. And that it doesn't fit well with the rest. The set is mainly blue, green and of earthy colors. With the exception of Whitespire. Rupert represents that more than Jane. His colors should be bolder, hers more grounded."

Q squinted, nodding slowly, "The contrast could make it interesting."

"You have the contrast whenever Rupert is outside and whenever Jane's in Whitespire. But it's your choice."

Quentin nodded, Eliot could practically see the thoughts racing in Q’s head. He was considering his advice. Thinking it over, then he pointed at a girl, “Hey, uhm, Mary, right?”

“Yeah.”, the girl nodded, she had a southern accent. Eliot had seen her a few times between classes but she was a year or so above them and he wouldn’t have known her name if Q hadn’t mentioned it, “You like the design?”

“A lot.”, Quentin said. Eliot wasn’t disappointed that Q had decided to keep the dress red. He was too busy being fascinated by the confidence that was radiating off him, “But, uhm, I think it would look better in different colors.”

“Why?”, Mary frowned. She didn’t look offended. Not the slightest bit. Just curious.

“It was Eliot’s idea. I guess, he can explain it best.”

Eliot swallowed, “Uhm, yeah, uhm, sure. It’s- it’s because of the set design. The contrast. To sum it up, Jane represents the wild side of Fillory. At least in my eyes. She’s not exactly glamorous or  posh . I don’t want her to run around in rags but I think blues and green fit her better.”, Eliot sighed, “Plus, I guess the colors look better on Maisie.”

Mary tilted her head and then nodded, “I guess, I can see it. When I read the books as a kid, I always imagined her in red and orange since they are my favorite colors but I guess it’s a personal preference entirely.”

“Good.”, Q said, “But I really like the design. Different colors and fabric and it should be perfect.”

Eliot nodded in agreement.

Mary picked up the sheet with the design on it and scribbled some words next to it, “Yeah, I think, I can make it work”, she put her long black hair up into a ponytail and frowned, “I think I might have it finished in a week or two. Two seems more likely.”

“We’ll rehearse without costumes anyway. Thanks.”, Quentin said. He was still wearing the mask of confident-director-Q. It was astonishing how the play and Fillory managed to boost his confidence. The mask cracked occasionally but it was still intact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first rehearsal was a few days later. Eliot had to admit that he was nervous about it. He couldn’t lose his role at this point but he could still screw it up. He could embarrass himself and he could ruin Q’s dream. That was the worst part somehow. 

Besides that, it was the first time that he’d act on a stage. Well, except for the audition. Still it was all new to him. At least Q would be there. Watching him. Eliot felt something spike through him. He had no need to be nervous. He knew Quentin. Why would he be nervous now? 

The funny thing about acting was that it was intimate. The ironic thing was, that you put on a mask and slip into a strange person but at the same time you laid yourself bare. It was a paradox Eliot had heard about. He was only able to grasp it now. Could he be vulnerable in front of Q? In front of the whole school.

He’d been before. Eliot tried to remind himself of that. He’d been vulnerable in front of them before. He’d told Q secrets and he’s gotten beat up in front of other students.

Eliot stepped in front of a mirror, running a hand through his hair. He was wearing sweatpants and a loose T-Shirt. Not his usual style but sportswear was the best for rehearsals. There was just so much he connected to wearing these clothes in PE.

Maybe, he could use it for his acting.

“El?”, Q peeked out behind a door, “Are you coming?”

“Sure, sure.”

Quentin leaned against the door frame. He was wearing a small clipboard and Eliot wondered if there was anything in it or if it was solely there for aesthetic reasons. But Quentin wasn’t him. Quentin didn’t do anything solely for the aesthetic.

“Are you okay?”, Q asked.   
“Nervous.”

“You’ll rock it. Now come on. Let’s do some magic.”

"̴S̴h̴o̵w̶ ̶m̴e̷ ̵s̷o̴m̶e̷ ̶m̷a̷g̷i̵c̵.̷"̸,̸ ̵a̸n̸ ̶o̴l̷d̶e̶r̵ ̵b̴l̵a̶c̵k̸ ̵m̷a̴n̴ ̴w̴a̷s̴ ̴s̷i̷t̵t̷i̴n̶g̸ ̴a̵t̸ ̸a̵ ̶t̴a̴b̸l̸e̷ ̸a̶ ̷w̷o̷m̶a̸n̸ ̸t̸o̷ ̶h̷i̵s̶ ̴l̴e̷f̶t̵ ̴a̵ ̶m̴a̷n̴ ̸t̶o̶ ̷h̷i̶s̶ ̶r̵i̸g̷h̷t̴.̷

̵"̷I̸-̴"̷,̵ ̵E̵l̷i̸o̵t̷ ̸s̵t̴u̴t̴t̷e̵r̵e̶d̴.̵ ̷H̷e̸ ̸w̷a̵s̴ ̸n̵e̶r̶v̴o̵u̸s̴.̸

̷"̵S̴h̶o̵w̵ ̷m̸e̶ ̸s̵o̷m̷e̵ ̸m̴a̵g̶i̶c̶.̶"̸

̷H̴e̴'̵d̵ ̸d̵o̷n̸e̵ ̵t̴h̵i̷s̸ ̷b̴e̶f̵o̵r̶e̷.̴ ̷H̴e̸ ̸s̶t̴a̶r̸e̸d̸ ̴a̶t̵ ̵a̶ ̵p̵e̴n̴ ̴o̵n̷ ̷t̶h̷e̸ ̵t̴a̵b̵l̶e̸,̷ ̷f̴o̸c̸u̸s̴i̴n̶g̵ ̴o̴n̷ ̴i̸t̵.̷ ̶R̵e̸a̵l̵l̵y̸ ̵h̸a̶r̶d̶ ̶b̶u̴t̷ ̵i̵t̸ ̷w̸o̶u̵l̵d̴n̷'̵t̴ ̸m̴o̵v̶e̶.̷

̵T̵h̶e̸ ̶b̴l̵a̶c̵k̸ ̸m̴a̵n̴ ̴s̷t̸o̶o̴d̴ ̸u̷p̸,̷ ̸"̸D̶o̵ ̵y̷o̷u̶ ̷w̶a̵n̴t̸ ̴m̸e̷ ̸t̸o̵ ̸s̵e̴n̴d̴ ̵y̵o̵u̸ ̷b̷a̷c̶k̴ ̵h̵o̶m̴e̸ ̴t̴o̵ ̸I̷n̷d̴i̴a̵n̶a̶!̵"̵

̸"̵I̵t̸'̷s̷ ̸n̵o̷t̴ ̷m̶y̶ ̷h̸o̴m̸e̴.̴ ̵H̶a̴s̴ ̵n̶e̴v̵e̷r̴ ̶b̴e̶e̸n̸.̸"̷

̴"̵I̶'̴l̷l̸ ̸s̷e̷n̷d̴ ̸y̵o̴u̸ ̷t̵h̶e̴r̶e̴ ̴r̸e̴g̷a̴r̶d̶l̶e̴s̴s̵,̴ ̸u̷n̴l̴e̷s̴s̷ ̸y̶o̶u̴ ̶s̷h̷o̵w̷ ̷m̵e̸ ̷s̶o̸m̷e̷ ̶d̸a̶m̴n̷ ̴m̶a̶g̸i̴c̵!̸"̵

̷E̵l̶i̸o̵t̷ ̶t̵h̷o̷u̵g̷h̴t̵ ̸a̵b̶o̶u̶t̷ ̴f̷a̴c̷i̷n̵g̶ ̵h̷i̷s̷ ̸f̵a̷t̵h̸e̴r̸ ̴a̴g̵a̵i̵n̶,̴ ̸a̸f̵t̷e̶r̴ ̴t̴h̵e̵ ̵f̸i̴g̷h̸t̷ ̴t̵h̴e̶ ̸n̴i̴g̷h̷t̸ ̵h̶e̷ ̴r̶a̸n̵.̵ ̸H̵e̶ ̶c̵o̵u̷l̸d̴n̷'̸t̴,̵ ̸h̵e̷ ̸c̸o̴u̸l̶d̵n̶'̸t̷ ̶h̴e̸ ̸c̷o̷u̴l̸d̵n̴'̵t̸.̴ ̸T̷h̴e̷ ̵f̷e̸a̷r̵,̷ ̸p̴a̶i̷n̷ ̴a̸n̷d̵ ̵d̷e̴s̸p̸e̸r̸a̴t̵i̵o̴n̴ ̴h̸e̵ ̸f̵e̸l̶t̵ ̷j̸u̷s̸t̶ ̵f̴r̶o̶m̶ ̷t̶h̶i̵n̸k̴i̶n̸g̷ ̶a̶b̸o̶u̴t̷ ̸i̶t̷ ̵w̶a̴s̷ ̶u̴n̸b̴e̵a̷r̶a̴b̵l̴e̸.̷ ̵

̶H̴e̵ ̴o̸p̸e̴n̷e̸d̵ ̸h̷i̸s̴ ̶e̵y̵e̷s̷.̴ ̷H̸e̶ ̸h̴a̶d̸n̷'̶t̴ ̴r̵e̵a̷l̶i̶s̵e̵d̴ ̵t̴h̶e̸y̷'̷d̷ ̶e̴v̵e̴r̴ ̵b̴e̵e̶n̶ ̵c̶l̷o̴s̴e̵d̵.̴

̵H̷e̴ ̸w̷a̷s̶ ̵f̵l̴y̷i̵n̸g̸.̷ ̴E̸v̷e̴r̷y̴t̸h̷i̵n̸g̴ ̷i̴n̵ ̴t̵h̵e̴ ̸r̷o̴o̶m̵ ̴w̵a̷s̴ ̴f̶l̵y̴i̷n̸g̶.̶

̵T̸h̷e̴ ̵o̷t̷h̸e̸r̴ ̸p̴e̷o̸p̶l̶e̵ ̴w̵e̶r̶e̸n̵'̶t̸ ̷s̶c̷a̶r̴e̴d̵.̴ ̸T̵h̸e̴y̷ ̸w̷e̵r̶e̵ ̸d̵e̸l̷i̸g̵h̸t̵e̷d̸.̸ ̷F̸a̷s̴c̶i̵n̸a̵t̸e̷d̵.̶ ̵P̴l̵e̷a̴s̵e̴d̵.̶

̶"̴E̵l̶i̶o̵t̶ ̷W̵a̷u̴g̷h̷.̴ ̸W̸e̵l̷c̴o̶m̵e̴ ̴t̸o̴ ̷B̷r̷a̶k̶e̴b̶i̵l̷l̴s̴.̴"̶

This time, Eliot didn’t faint once the strange memories hit him. He saw them in his head, then he blinked and he’d forgotten it all. Everything except the fact that he’d forgotten something.

Q stared at him. For a moment he seemed to be as confused as Eliot but then everything was back to normal. The world had stood still for a moment but now it was back in motion. As if nothing had ever happened. Maybe because nothing had ever happened.

"You okay?", Q asked after he'd just stared at El for a moment.

"Yeah. You?"

Q nodded, "Yeah.", it sounded about as unconvincing as Eliot's own answer had sounded.

"Come- Come on.", Eliot said and finally stepped on the stage.

For this day's rehearsal they had planned to go through the first twenty pages. Play them through a few times and then tweak. Tomorrow they'd do pages twenty to forty and so on. Theater was only twice a week, it would take them a few weeks to get through the whole thing but they were working with a schedule Q had created and everything should work out.

When Eliot left the backstage area, he saw Maisie sitting on stage with Vince and Lukas. All of them were wearing sweat pants and shirts or in Maisie's case: Sweatpants and a tight tank top. Vince was playing Martin. He was as old as El and Q but very small. And no, he wasn't just small to Eliot, he was objectively small. Like Maisie he had experience in theater. 

Luke on the other hand was tall and would turn eighteen soon. He was the star of their school's theater club and Eliot was sure that Luke had actually auditioned for Rupert's and not for Plover's role. It would certainly explain the look of disdain he sent Eliot's way. It hurt a little. Luke was arrogant, popular and always just the tiniest bit extravagant. To sum it up, he was what Eliot wanted to be. 

"Hey."

"Look, who finally decided to join us."

Eliot shrugged, "I had class."

Maisie stretched while angling her upper body towards Luke, basically rubbing her decolté right into his face. Subtle. "Let's get this started."

"Yeah.", Luke got up from the floor, while his eyes struggled to resist the magnetic pull of Maisies boobs. Eliot wondered if they were a thing. They should have been in some plays together by now. Had they always been flirting and had that ever led to something? He should ask Vince. Not that it was any of his business but Eliot found gossip to be quite interesting as long as it wasn't about him.

“Okay, we just start from the beginning and try to play until-”, Q started and then tilted his head in consideration, “Let’s play it out til Martin goes to his new room?”

All of the actors nodded. It wasn’t a long segment but it was probably for the better. Eliot liked the idea of slowly going through the whole thing piece by piece and hearing Q’s opinion. It reminded him of the notes in the Fillory book, only that Q would be commenting on him instead of Plover. It was a thought that scared Eliot as much as it excited him.

“Sounds good.”, El commented while the rest of the group nodded.

“Okay.”, Q jumped down from the stage and took a seat in front of it. Let’s start.

The props weren’t finished yet. It required a lot of fantasy to imagine the country estate of Plover here. But Eliot could make it work.  _ Maisie-Jane, Vince- Martin and Eliot-Rupert started the play standing in the door. Luke-Plover walked down the stairs, smiling at the three of them. Rupert tightened the grip on the suitcase he was carrying. He knew Plover. He trusted him but it was still weird to move in with that man.  _

_ “Kids.”, Plover said with a friendly smile, “Welcome home.” _

_ “Thank you Mr. Plover.”Jane curtsied and looked around, she had her arm wrapped tightly around her doll. Rupert was once again reminded of how young and innocent she was. Eliot tried to capture that though in his eyes, as he looked at her. He tried not to lean too hard on his cane but it was giving him some difficulties. _

_ “Oh, we will have so much fun.”, Plover said and then walked down the rest of the stairs, “But for now, I’d like to show you your rooms.”, Plover said. For a moment Luke’s facade broke and Eliot had to keep himself from frowning. He wasn’t sure what the reason for Luke’s slip up was but he allowed himself to be petty about it. At least in his head. _

_ “Thank you, Mr. Plover.”, Martin echoed what his sister had said earlier. _

_ “Oh, you’re very welcome, Martin. Now come on, come on.”, he waved the three of them upstairs and they followed. First Jane, then Martin, then Rupert. Eliot struggled a little to walk the stairs with his  _ _ cane _ _. He almost fell but he wouldn’t give Maisie or Luke the satisfaction. He had to practice that. At least Rupert only needed the  _ _ cane _ _ until he found the healing waters. It was about a third through the play.  _

_ The Chatwins knew their way around the house by the time, Plover took them in, but they only had knowledge of some of the rooms. They’d never been allowed in the many bedrooms before.  _ _   
_ _ “First, we have Rupert’s room.”, Plover said and Eliot-Rupert walked past his siblings to peek into his new room. Eliot played it with surprise but well guarded surprise. Rupert was a kid only in age. He had to be steady and reliable. He couldn’t allow himself to be childishly cheerful in front of the others. _

_ “It’s very nice.”, Rupert said. It was purposefully stilted, as Eliot said it. A little awkward. A boy playing a man, “Thank you, Sir.” _

_ “You are most welcome.”, Mr. Plover hummed and closed the door. The group walked further down the hallway, “Here, we have your bedroom Jane. I know you love the garden, so I choose a room that has a perfect view over it.” _

_ Jane could allow herself to show her excitement. She looked at the room and smiled widely, “It’s so beautiful. Oh and these curtains! And look at that painting, Martin! Did someone paint the garden there, Mr. Plover?” _

_ “I did.”, Plover smiled, “I had a time, where I tried myself as a painter.” _

_ Eliot had to keep himself from smiling. It was one of the parts of the play, where Q had obviously included trivia about Plover and the Chatwins. _

_ “It is beautiful.”, Jane smiled. _

_ “I’m glad you like it, young Ms. Chatwin. Now for Martin.”, Plover said, “Look, your room is right at the end of the hallway, next to mine. It’s the biggest of the bunch, but I couldn’t resist.” _

_ The small group walked down the hallway and then Martin got a look at his room. It was big and comfortable and Martin beamed, “It’s perfect, Mr. Plover.” _

_ Plover smiled, “I’m so glad you all like it. Why don’t you lay down for a bit and I prepare a cake for us?” _

_ “I’d love that!”, Jane exclaimed, “Could we have it in the garden?” _

_ “Of course.” _

_ Rupert smiled tightly and inclined his head, “I think, I’ll follow your suggestion and lay down for a bit.” _

_ “I shall decorate my room.”, Jane stormed off. _

_ Martin smiled fondly and closed the door behind him. _

“Okay, that was good.”, Q said and unfolded himself from the chair. He’d done the thing he sometimes did, where he pulled his knees to his chin and wrapped his arms around himself. In the beginning Eliot had mistaken it as an attempt to comfort himself but he’d been wrong. Q sat that way, when he  _ was  _ comfortable.

“Waugh is clumsy with the  cane .”, Luke said flatly.

“I’ll work on it.”, Eliot mumbled. He would like to mention Luke’s slip up but he didn’t want to act like an ass in front of Q.

“And you lost your role there for a moment, but you don’t see my panties in a twist about it.”, Q replied and Eliot’s mouth fell open. He’d never heard him this snippish before. Q had never spoken like this before. Directing this play was doing things to Eliot’s friend and it was amazing to watch it.

Luke opened his mouth but immediately closed it and nodded.

“I think, we were all doing okay.”, Vince said, adjusting his fake glasses.

Q nodded, “Yeah, yeah- just.”, he frowned, “I’d turn Jane’s excitement down a little.”

Maisie opened her mouth but Q raised a hand, “I know, I said so in the script and you did amazing, Maisie, but it’s too much of a contrast compared to Rupert and Martin. They are much more reserved. Jane should still be excited but maybe- just tone it down.”

Maisie nodded, Eliot didn't know her well enough to be able to read from her face if she took Q's comment personally or not.

"Besides that, I liked it a lot. I mean, if you all can be so convincing without props, you'll be amazing when we finally have those. You are all doing so well.", Eliot could swear, that Q looked at him as he said those words and he tried his best to ignore what it caused him to feel. He was in love with Q. He was very well aware of that. There was no need to listen to his emotions any more than necessary.

"So, what do you say for the next section?"

Maisie opened the script in front of her and went through it, "Let's do another page or two. Baby steps."

"Baby steps.", Luke echoed. He looked at Eliot but bit back whatever comment he had on his mind, "Do you think, we get to a musical scene soon? I want to know if Waugh can sing."

Eliot rolled his eyes, "We can do a sing off, if you want to-"

"He can.", Q said. It wasn't the same anger he'd shown before but there was still an edge to it. He shoved his glasses a little upward, "I don't want you guys fighting with each other. I mean you specifically, Luke. We all want this show to be good. So can we not act against each other? Please."

"I want to go to acting school. So does Maisie."

Eliot wanted to laugh and say that it was the same for him and that he was probably facing a harsher reality than Luke, if he had to stay here but he didn't.

Q knew that and that mattered.

"And Eliot won't keep you from doing so.", Q said, "Not if you focus on your role. So do it."

Luke grunted but then he nodded, “Fine.”

After the rehearsal Eliot and Q sat down in front of the school. The school bus wouldn’t come to pick them up. It was too late by now and they were the only students left. Q’s Dad had offered to pick the two of them up and Eliot had agreed. He wasn’t happy about meeting Quentin’s father but it was his only option to get home.

“So, when is he coming to pick us up?”, Eliot asked. It was cold. He wasn’t freezing but he wasn’t feeling comfortable either.

“He’s often late.”, Q shrugged and pulled his jacket tighter around his body.

Eliot nodded, “Okay.”

“Will your Dad get angry?”

“I didn’t give him a time for when we’re done.”, Eliot looked at the ground. Red and orange leaves were pushed around by the wind.

“That’s good.”, Quentin mumbled and Eliot felt him relax.

“You don’t have to worry about me, you know?”

“And you don’t have to worry about me.”, Q retorted.

“It’s not that simple.”

Q chuckled, “Yeah. Exactly.”

Eliot sighed and ran a hand through his hair, it was surprisingly warm, where the sun had hit it, “Fine. I get it.”

“How did you like the rehearsal?”, Eliot asked, “You can be honest with me, you know?”

Q wrung his hands. Neither he nor Eliot attempted to make any eye contact during their conversation. Somehow that made it all easier, “I liked it. Luke was surprisingly bad.”

“Was he? Or are you just saying that because he was a jerk to me?”

“He wasn’t terrible but he was- I’ve heard lots of great things about him. Maybe it’s just my expectations. Or it was the comparison to you. You were amazing.”

Eliot felt himself blush, “It’s not-”

“Yes, it is.”, Q said and suddenly his voice was confident again, “And your singing voice is great.”

“It’s not-”

“Humblety doesn’t suit you.”, Q grinned and looked up at Eliot. It was odd for him to be the one to initiate eye contact.

Eliot had no idea how to reply but with a joke, “Okay, I will never be humble again but for the record this is all your fault.”

Q nudged him in the side and nodded, “Alright, alright, I can take the blame.”

“Q?”, Eliot asked, looking away again.

“Yeah.”

“What- what did they say? Martin and Kevin, I mean. What did they say to you?”, Eliot was scared of the answer but he wanted to know. He felt like he should know, so that he could protect Quentin in the future.

“Mean things.”

Eliot nodded, “Yeah but- but what?”

“I don’t want to repeat it.”, Q said. Instead of just avoiding to look at Eliot he looked away. And at that moment, Eliot knew. He knew that Martin and Kevin had talked about him and his relationship to Quentin. For a moment, he was scared that this would be it. That Q would want to stop being friends with him but they’d talked normally after the incident with Martin and Kevin.

“It’s not true.”, Eliot said flatly.

“It’s nothing ba-”

“It’s not true.”, Eliot repeated with more force to it. He didn’t want to hear Q telling him that it was all okay. Eliot knew that. The issue was that his family didn’t. That the rest of the school didn’t

Quentin nodded, “Fine. But El, it’s-”

“They lie. They lie a lot, I’m not-”, he shook his head and waved the thought off, “If Martin and Kevin ever dare to hurt you-”

“You’ll beat them up?”, Q said and Eliot didn’t have to see his face to know that he was smiling an amused smile, “Yeah, I’d pay to see that.”

“I mean it.”

“Thank you.”, Quentin nodded, “But it’s okay. I’m more worried about my head.”

Eliot looked at Q. The sunlight reflecting in his hair. He looked beautiful. It was hard for Eliot to understand why the whole school wasn’t in love with that boy. How could he be the only one to see it? It felt impossible.

“Is it worse? I mean- your psyche?”

“No, no. I just worry that it might- That I might eventually have another breakdown, even though I’m feeling good at the moment. And I’m worried that if it happens, you don’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“It won’t happen.”, Eliot put a hand on his shoulder, “I’ll never not want to be your friend, Quentin.”


	15. new normal

The following weeks were all the same. Eliot and Q spent lunch together and then they went to rehearsals together. Occasionally, they met at the weekends and when they did, they just talked and talked and talked.

Eliot had never felt something like this before. Such a kinship.

One day, something changed though. Eliot visited Quentin and they outlined a sequel for the play together. They weren't fully serious about it. Maybe they would be allowed to put it on stage next year, maybe they wouldn't. Neither of them cared. It was just fun to brainstorm together. Q had gotten a little bolder. He was allowing himself more liberty when it came to interpretation. Usually these meetings were fun. El and Q would have snacks and sometimes exchange really dumb and ridiculous ideas. But this day was different. Q was silent and withdrawn. He was having a depressive phase again. Eliot was sure of it.

"Hey are you okay?", El felt it was best to just be blunt.

"No.", apparently Q was also feeling like being blunt this saturday.

"Okay, uhm, can I help?"

"Julia is coming over for a weekend next month. Right before christmas."

Eliot frowned, "Those sound like good news."

"I know. I don't know why I'm not happy."

"Ask your therapist, maybe? I mean that's their job."

"You should never be a therapist."

"Probably not.", Eliot said and imagined it for a moment. Yeah. Not a good idea, "Still doesn't answer my question."

"I told her, but- we- she said that I might be scared to see her after all this time."

"Makes sense."

Q shook his head, "But I don't think it's the right answer."

"Do you have any suspicion?", Eliot started scribbling one of the clock trees on the sheet he'd been writing on. His ideas had been crap anyway.

“I don’t know.”, Q said, “I don’t know. I think there’s- I think what really scares me is you two meeting.”

Eliot swallowed at that. He wasn’t sure why Quentin felt that way but his first instinct was to believe that Q was embarrassed of him and that hurt. It hurt a lot. Deep inside, Eliot knew that it couldn’t be the case. He’d started to realise that Q actually valued him as a friend for whatever reason. But there was a difference between knowing something and believing something. He knew that Quentin liked him but he didn’t believe in it.

“Why?”, Eliot asked, he noticed that his voice sounded a lot sadder than he’d intended for it to sound, so he struck a lighter tone, “Scared that I will become her new best friend? Trust me I’m good with the one I have.”

“I don’t- it’s not that. I miss New York. I miss my old life.”

The words felt like a punch to Eliot’s gut. Q missed his old life. And Eliot couldn’t blame him, but the problem was: Eliot wasn’t part of his old life. On the other hand they didn’t really explain why Q was scared of El and Julia meeting.

“Oh.”

“And I’m scared that her visiting will leave me more depressed.”

Eliot nodded, “I get that. I think. But it’s not the way you should approach this. Your friend coming here is something that should excite you. And I bet, it will. You’ll see it positive as soon, as she’s here I’m sure of that.”

“Maybe.”

“I bet on it.”, Eliot said and shoved “The wandering Dune” off his lap, before he leaned back against Q’s nightstand, “So change of topic: What should happen after Jane leaves the flying forest? I mean the book just jumps but I believe there was adventure there.”

Q didn’t take the bite, “Are you going to our school’s christmas ball?”

Eliot looked at his feet, “No.”

“Why?”

Because I would want to go with a boy. Because I’d prefer to go with you and no one else. Eliot sighed, “It’s super lame. Please don’t tell me you are going.”

“You are my only friend here. If you aren’t going, I have no reason to go.”, Q sighed and picked “The wandering Dune” up from where Eliot had shoved it, before he opened it at a random page. Q didn’t read though. His eyes weren’t wandering, they were just staring at one spot the whole time.

Eliot groaned, “Look. If you really want to go but don’t want to be alone, I might let myself be convinced, but only if you beg on your knees and refer to me as your Highness and your Highness only from now on.”

E̶l̷i̸o̷t̴ ̶f̴e̴l̸t̵ ̷w̴a̶r̸m̸ ̸a̵r̵m̶s̸ ̸w̶r̶a̷p̴p̸e̶d̵ ̸a̷r̵o̵u̵n̷d̴ ̵h̴i̴m̸.̵ ̷H̴e̴ ̶w̶a̸s̶ ̴s̷i̴t̸t̵i̸n̸g̵ ̷i̶n̵ ̷a̶ ̵s̵m̷a̷l̴l̶ ̶r̷o̶o̵m̴.̶ ̵A̸l̶l̵ ̸h̴e̸ ̷c̷o̷u̷l̴d̴ ̴s̸e̴e̴ ̶w̶e̵r̵e̷ ̸d̶i̵s̸c̷a̵r̶d̸e̶d̴ ̴b̶o̸o̸k̵s̵h̸e̸l̸v̷e̵s̷.̵ ̷A̷l̷l̸ ̵h̶e̴ ̸c̷o̷u̷l̶d̶ ̶f̸e̴e̴l̸ ̸w̴e̶r̶e̵ ̶Q̷'̷s̴ ̶a̴r̵m̷s̶ ̶a̴r̸o̶u̶n̸d̶ ̴h̴i̴m̴

He felt the memories fade away immediately. What had it been again? 

A room and bookshelves and Q. 

Bookshelves and Q. 

Q.

What memory?  


“Yeah, I’m not doing that.”, Quentin laughed dryly. He was laughing. Whatever Eliot had just said had been the right thing to say. He’d done something right. 

“I- you don’t have to-”, Eliot sighed, “Listen, I mean it, if you want to go to your stupid ball-”

“No, no.”, Quentin shook his head, “I hated them at my old school. Julia always dragged me. And James.”

“James?”

“Another friend of mine.”, Q waved Eliot off.

“Ah.”, Eliot replied dumbly, “Okay.”

Quentin sighed and put the book aside, “You know what’s funny?”

Eliot shook his head. Q was looking away again. Somehow it felt as if he was preparing himself to confess something.

“I miss my old life, but I feel like I’m objectively happier here. Does this make sense? I think it doesn’t.”

“I mean, you went to-”, Eliot nodded vaguely, “You know. I think it might have helped you. You left New York in a bad state of mind, went to- that place- where you got better and came here, where you felt better.”

“I don’t know if it’s all of it.”

Eliot shrugged, “Does it matter? Maybe you need to stop thinking it over.”

“Maybe.”

“So, the flying forest.”

Quentin smiled and nodded, “Right. I’d add a little adventure there. Maybe we can pick something from the earlier books and add it there. Something small like- like Jane’s conversation with the dwarves.”

“I love the dwarves.”

“Me too.”

Eliot smirked, “Well you are a dwarf yourself.”

“Funny.”, Q said flatly, “But that would mean that you love me.”

Eliot felt his adrenaline level spike. Felt his face go slack, “What?”

“You love dwarfs and call me a dwarf. Therefore you love me.”

Oh. Right. “That’s not how it works.”, Eliot said quickly. 

“It’s not?”, Q looked away, “It’s simple logic.”

Eliot had hurt him again, “I mean, maybe you are right. I love you like a brother, so there’s that.”, Eliot felt himself getting a little red. He’s had very unbrotherly thoughts of Q just last night but that wasn’t the point here, “Actually I love you more than I love my brothers. Which isn’t hard.”

“Ah.”, Q said. He looked both happy and disappointed at once, “Uhm, same.”

Eliot blushed and then cleared his throat looking back down at the book, "So, the dwarfs."

"Yeah.", Q's tone was a little lighter and Eliot figured he was relieved that he'd changed the topic, "I think we should change the conversation a little. Maybe turn it into more than a conversation."

Eliot blinked, "Do you want Jane to make out with them or wh-"

"No, you- No. Maybe they help her with something. Or she helps them."

Eliot nodded, "Right, no making out."

Q grimaced, "Of course not."

"Hm, how about- What if Jane gets lost."

"In a barren field?"

"Right.", Eliot ran a hand through his hair, messing it up because everything was just- a lot, "So, she could- She could walk into a hole. The dwarfs dig them and she hurts her ankle?"

Q's eyes were pinned to Eliot's hair, "Uhm, yeah, uhm, I like this."

"Good."

"They could have a dwarf healer and Jane befriends her."

Eliot imagined the scene and nodded. By now the Jane in his head looked exactly like Maisie but he didn't mind. She was okay. Mostly. A little overambitious and prickly.

Quentin reached for a pen and scribbled their idea down. They were a nerdy bunch. Spending their free time together and making up plays without a real ambition to see them on stage. Eliot felt like that was part of the charme though. There was no pressure on them. It was just fun and they could allow themselves to change topic in between. 

"So what do you say?"

Eliot raised a brow, "About?", he had spaced out a little there.

"About the play."

"Good. So far."

Quentin smiled at him, adjusting his glasses, “Maybe we could actually make it work next year.”

“That does sound like a plan.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eliot felt dumb for it but eventually, he started to get really jealous of Maisie. She and Q talked a lot during the rehearsals. It had started with talk about the play and the production and soon it felt like they were talking about everything. It annoyed Eliot to no end. He knew that it was wrong to want Q for himself but he couldn’t help it. He’d never been good when it came to sharing, especially when he barely knew the people he had to share with.

It felt like everytime, he had to hold himself back from saying something mean and/or stupid every time Quentin came to him after talking to Maisie.

But it wasn’t his fault. Eliot’s jealousy wasn’t Q’s fault.

“Hey.”, Q said, sitting down on the stage next to Eliot. They were having a short break so that the actors could drink and eat something. And before he’d come to El, Q had talked to Maisie. Now she looked upset.

“Hey.”, Eliot bit back a comment and then nodded towards Maisie, “Anything about the play?”

“No, not really.”

Eliot heard nothing but white noise for a moment, “Oh, okay. Uhm, I have some questions about the play though.”, Eliot said quickly just to say anything.

“Oh, okay? What?”

Yeah. What? Eliot knew the play as good as Q did by now. They’d discussed it so many times. There weren’t any questions Eliot hadn’t asked yet.

“Uhm, where does Rupert go after the sword fight scene?”

Q frowned, “I, uhm, the big clock tree? But you know that.”

“Yeah. I’m a little- I don’t know? Tired.”

“Are you okay?”, Q asked, he robbed over, so that he was closer to El. Slowly, he reached out and put his hand on Eliot’s forehead. Eliot felt everything inside him spin and jump in the best way. Quentin cleared his throat, “Well you aren’t hot.”

“Gee. Thanks.”

“Idiot.”,Q laughed and then pulled his hand away. Eliot immediately felt the cold, where there had been warmth before.

“I’m fine.”, Eliot said gently, “I’m just tired. It’s all.”

“Do you want to go home?”, Quentin asked.   
“Of course not.”

Q chuckled, “Yeah,yeah. Dumb question.”, his eyes wandered over towards Maisie, who was talking to Sandra. She played the watcher women. The two girls were laughing and giggling and when Eliot looked back at Q, he was smiling.

“What- What were you two talking about?”, Eliot asked quietly.

“She asked me if I wanted to be her date for the dance.”

Behind them the cardboard background fell over. 

Eliot felt cold running down his back. His stomach fluttered but not in a good way. He was dizzy and just wanted to lay down. The world was spinning and-

“You are bleeding again.”, Q said.

“Oh.”, Eliot rubbed his nose and it came back bloody, “Shit, I-”

“I don’t have a towel with me.”

“Yeah. I’ll just-”, Eliot gestured vaguely towards the next restroom.

“Good, I, uhm, I will wait till we resume.”

“Thanks.”, Eliot mumbled, then he couldn’t stand it anymore, “What did you say?”

“Huh?”

“To Maisie.”, Eliot swallowed, “What did you tell her?”

“The truth.”, Q said and looked at his hands, “That I have no real interest in the ball and that I consider her a friend.”

Eliot hoped that his sigh of relief wasn’t audible.

"Ah.", it was all Eliot could say. The appropriate word.

"Yeah.", Q shrugged and smiled, "You should really clean your nose. You are dripping on the stage."

Eliot swallowed, "Uh, gross."

"Yeah.", Q sighed, looking up from the blood and into Eliot's eyes, "Are you okay? Like really okay?"

"Yeah. I have that- sometimes. I guess. I'll be right back."

"Sure."

Eliot hauled himself to his feet and headed towards the bathroom. The school was empty by now. It was another thing he enjoyed about the theater. It was so separate from the normal day at school. There's no reason to fear anyone bullying him, as soon as he entered the bathroom. While he was well aware of that, his body hadn't gotten the message. He still felt nervous, as soon as the door closed behind him. 

Eliot checked if the stalls were empty and only then he went to look in the mirror. The flow of blood had stopped by now but there was still dried blood underneath Eliot's nose.

He washed his face and used a paper towel to rub it dry. It was a good thing they hadn't used stage make up yet. Sure, it should be able to withstand tears and sweat but the face full of water would probably have been too much. Eliot looked up and into the mirror, he was a little paler than usual.

Eliot considered himself handsome enough. 

He wondered if Q saw it too. He probably did. Even a straight guy should be able to see it.

And Q was straight. Probably.

Eliot sighed and fixed his hair, before he went back. 

When Eliot came back on stage, Q was talking with Maisie again. She looked happier than before and was laughing. Did Q say yes after all?

Eliot walked up to Q, slowly raising a hand. There was no need for an apology for interrupting them, “My nose is better.”, he said and let his eyes wander between the two.

“Good.”

“Yeah.”, Maisie smiled, “Don’t need you bleeding on stage. Someone could slip.”

Q laughed a little too much for such a mediocre joke, “Yeah, that would suck. Are you ready to continue?”

Eliot nodded, “I think so.”

“Good, we are just gonna go through the unicorn scene and then we are done for now.”

“I thought, we wanted to go through more.”, Eliot said and glanced at the clock at the wall. It was earlier than usual when they were about to wrap things up.

“Vince just told me that he has a bit of a headache. I thought about doing the Jane and Rupert scenes then but Maisie isn’t this good with the texts yet.”

“I am.”, Eliot said. Way to sound like an asshole but he wanted Q to know that he knew the text he’d written.

Maisie made a sour face but she didn’t say a word. Eliot suspected that she was aware that she’d have said the same if Eliot was the one lacking preparation. Maybe theater attracted assholes.

Q smiled, “I know, you do.”

“Yeah, uhm, sorry.”, Eliot looked over at Vince. The boy was sitting on the floor, rubbing his forehead with one hand. Eliot walked over and knelt down next to him, “Hey, uhm, we are gonna start with the unicorn scene soon, so-”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“How are you?”, Eliot asked. He was practically whispering. Something about the way Vince was sitting on the ground reminded him of Taylor, when Eliot had kicked him in the gym. He looked so vulnerable.

Vince groaned, “It’s okay. I just- I was studying the whole damn night and it was all- It was a bit too much, I think.”

“Okay. For what it’s worth, I’ll try not to yell at you, when we do our scene.”

Vince chuckled, “Thanks.”

“Come on.”, Eliot offered him his hand and hauled him up. The touch was so different from whenever Eliot touched Q.

_ “So here we are.”, Maisie-Jane said and looked around. They were standing on a clearing in the Queen’s wood, Jane in front Vince- Martin and El-Rupert behind her. _

_ Rupert shoved some twigs out of his face and frowned, “One weird forest.” _

_ “I like it here.” _

_ “You like it everywhere in Fillory, Mart.”, Rupert said and ruffled Martin’s hair. Ru-Eliot wondered what it would feel like to ruffle Q’s hair right now. For a moment, his eyes left the scene and found Quentin sitting in his chair and watching. Then he slipped back in character. Be Rupert. _

_ “Me too.”, Jane said, lifting a stone. _

_ “Not like I do.”, Martin mumbled and he sounded sad. Eliot had always felt terribly bad for Martin. Martin, who just wanted to stay in Fillory. If he ever got there, he’d probably feel the same. _

_ “So, where exactly do we find a unicorn.?”, Rupert said. Eliot tried to sound as sceptical as possible, because well- Rupert was the sceptisist of the group. And in the book he’d been disbelieving that unicorns existed. Even after everything he’d seen up until this point. It was pretty dumb in Eliot’s opinion. If you’ve seen magical stags and talking bunnies, unicorns seemed to be pretty tame. _

_ Jane tossed the stone in a few trees, making the leaves rustle, “Somewhere here?” _

_ Martin adjusted his glasses, “Well they need the pond here. It’s the only water they can drink. We just have to wait and then ask one for hair.” _

_ “And if they say no.” _

_ “They won’t.”, Jane said, crossing her arms, “Because I’m not ripping hair out of a unicorn without its consent.” _

_ “They are very dangerous.”, Martin said, “You shouldn’t.” _

_ Rupert pulled his sword and nodded. _

_ “We won’t hurt it-”, Jane spoke up. _

_ “Just in case.”, Rupert mumbled. _

_ Jane looked at him with obvious distaste. She loved unicorns. She'd liked the legend back on earth and had been thrilled upon finding out they existed here. Eliot- Rupert allowed himself a fond smile. Then he sat down on the floor, "Then we can wait. "Maybe I can go through some petitions in the meantime.", Eliot pretended to pull them out of hia bag. The props weren't complete yet. _

_ Martin kept walking around, "I don't know, I don't like it." _

_ "We need the hair to help Honeyclaw.", Jane said, "He saved my life and I owe him." _

_ "She's right.", Rupert sighed, "So Martin, sit down and be patient." _

_ "Fillory could kick us out any time?! And this is how you want to spend our time here? Sitting around and waiting for unicorns." _

_ Jane shrugged, "Could imagine worse." _

_ "For all we know, helping Honeyclaw is our quest.", Rupert said and Eliot pretended to write something with a quill without looking up. _

_ "It has to be bigger.", Martin said. _

_ "Bigger than helping a friend?" _

_ Martin shook his head, "I'm leaving. To have my own adventure." _

_ "Mart-", Jane said but Martin had already left the stage- clearing. _

_ "Let him. He'll calm down." _

_ She shook her head, "Why does he have to be so stubborn all the time." _

_ "Runs in the family." _

_ Jane smiled, "He loves Fillory." _

_ "Sometimes, I wonder if he loves it too much.", Rupert said slowly and sighed. _

_ "So now?" _

_ "Wait the unicorn." _

_ Jane sighed, "Fine." _

_ "Jane. You can go after him, if you want to." _

_ "No. Honeyclaw is my friend." _

_ Rupert shrugged but then decided to let it slide and then laid down on the ground, “I’m tired, could you take the first watch?” _

_ Jane nodded and sat down next to a rock, “Of course.” _

Eliot looked at Maisie and smiled, “That was good. I guess.”

Q got up from his chair and sucked his lips between his teeth, “A little stilted at parts.”, he looked at Eliot, “I’m not really used to something like this from you but overall it was really decent. We don’t have to go through it again. Not right now at least. Maybe we can start with this scene next week.”

El nodded, he didn’t mind Q criticizing him. Besides that, he’d been right. His delivery had been a little stilted. Maybe because he was still a little tense. Maybe because he’d been thinking too much about Q. But he’d been thinking about nothing but Q for weeks and it had never shown in any way before.

“El? You don’t take it personal, right?”, Q asked, while Maisie and Vince went backstage to change.

“No.”

“Okay?”, Q said softly, “You were- You were a little weird up there.”

“I guess, I’m tired.”, he smiled, “Like Rupert was in the scene.”

Q smiled, “Well you did play that part very convincingly. The being tired part, you know?”

“Gee. Thanks.”

Quentin looked around before he leaned forward. He was so close to Eliot’s face right now. He’d just have to lean forward the tiniest bit and then Eliot would be able to steal a kiss. It was tempting. It was right there. The chance to have what he truly desired but it would cost him the friendship with Q. And that wasn’t really worth it.

“Truth be told.”, Q whispered and Eliot could feel his breath against his cheek, “You were still the best up there.”

“I-”, Eliot was hypnotised by Q’s eyes. Suddenly it felt impossible to form words. What were words even? How did one speak? It was somehow related to his mouth. He’d have to open and close it. That much, he could remember.

“Quentin?”, Maisie asked, peeking out from behind the curtain.

Q looked at her and all of the sudden the spell was broken, “Yeah?”

“Up until Page 220 for next week, right?”

“Yeah.”, Q said. 

Maisie nodded, “Good, good.”

Eliot sighed and gave her a tight smile, “See you next week, Mais.”

She waved at him with a smile that was warmer than the one she gave most people, “See you, Waugh.”

She reminded him of someone at this moment. Like a colorless and washed out copy of someone he cared about. Maisie didn’t feel much like that person but she was somehow similar enough to her to give him an eerie feeling.

“I’m glad you two are getting along better.”, Q said flatly and then sighed, “The chemistry shows on stage too.”

“Is that all the reason you care?”

“What do you mean?”

Eliot shrugged, “What did you two talk about when I came back?”

Q looked at El confused. Only now did Eliot realise how creepy that question really was because it was none of his business what Q and Maisie had discussed. 

“I’m sorry, it’s not-”

“You are jealous.”, Q laughed.

“What? No!”

“Oh come on, you like her.”

“I don-”, Eliot started but then he shut his mouth, “Maybe a little.”, he lied.

Q winced, “Oh. Well, she admitted that she only asked me because she wanted to make Luke jealous. So I don’t think you stand any chances with her. I mean, you could suggest that she can make him jealous with you, but-”

“It’s fine.”

Q smiled, “Okay, okay. We should probably get out of here. Dad will be here soon to pick us up.”

“But it’s earlier than usual-”

“I texted him.”, Q sighed and grabbed his jacket, “Besides, you still need to change.”

That was true, “Fine.”

Quentin smiled at him and just when Eliot wanted to go backstage, he spoke up, “We want to go out, when you come over next weekend.”

“What?”

“Jules and I want to go to a diner. And I wondered if you wanted to come.”, Q shrugged.

"Sure. I mean, if I find a way to get away from home."

Quentin smiled, "I'm sure, you'll find a way."

"Probably."

"But I can't offer to have my Dad pick you up. Jules and I will drive by bike, so-"

Eliot nodded, "Okay, I'll take the bike too. I'll just tell Dad we are meeting for school or something."

"Good.", Q smiled and then looked at the watch again, "You really need to change. Dad will be here any minute."

"Shit. Right.", Eliot rushed backstage. His clothes were spread on a small table in front of the wardrobe. Maisie and Vince had already left by now and Eliot was thankful for it. He wasn't the biggest fan of changing in front of others.

He had no scars or anything he was particularly embarrassed of but he still hated the idea.

But now he was alone, so Eliot slipped out of his T-shirt and pulled on his thick sweater. Just when he put on his pants, he heard a noise behind him.

Eliot twirled around and saw Q standing there. He was wearing underwear. Obviously. Still, Eliot covered himself with his discarded sweatpants.

"What the-"

"Sorry, I uhm, just wanted to say that I'll wait for you outside."

Eliot swallowed and nodded. He wondered how long Q had watched him. He was both nervous and excited, thinking about Q having seen him shirtless.

There could be worse.

"Okay. Just knock the next time. I could have been jerking off in here."

Q laughed dryly, "Sure."

Eliot sighed, “Anyway, I’ll be right there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter where nothing happens woops
> 
> Anyway, here's a teaser for the next chapter:  
> Julia


	16. soggy pizza and hot milkshakes

The diner where Eliot was supposed to meet up with Q was absolutely horrible. Eliot knew this much because his family loved it. If they went out, they went there. One of the many aspects that set Eliot apart from the rest of his relatives was that he had a relatively exquisite taste when it came to food and beverages. Most of the food he ate wasn’t up to his own standards at all. At least he was a decent cook himself, so whenever he got the chance he tried to prepare himself something that he actually liked. It wasn’t always as good as he wanted it to be but it was better than anything they served at David’s diner.

It was a small and very retro building, with red benches and black and white tiles on the floor. David kept it clean for the most part, so the most disgusting thing here was the food. Most of the waitresses here were girls from Eliot’s school, trying to earn some extra money. It was a little awkward sometimes but even when Eliot came here with his family, it was more embarrassing for them than it was for him. So it was fine.

When Eliot arrived at the diner, Q wasn’t there yet. Eliot smiled politely at the waitress and sat down at a small bench by the window. The waitress looked a surprising lot like Maisie and Eliot wondered, if she was her sister or something. She looked a little older than her but apart from that, they could be twins. 

The diner was empty except for Eliot and a young couple sitting in the back. They had a road map laid out across their table, so Eliot figured they were tourists on a road trip. He pitied them for having ended up here. 

“Can I bring you something?”, not-Maisie asked.

“I’m waiting for someone. Thanks.”

She smiled at the prospect of more people and therefore more tips and nodded, “Alright.”

Eliot looked out of the window. It was dark outside, big, heavy clouds were hanging low in the sky. Maybe it would snow soon. Eliot wished it was summer. The grim weather wasn’t doing anything to calm his nerves.

He was scared of meeting Julia. A lot more than he had expected to be. He wasn’t sure what thought was the worst: That he wouldn’t like her and had to lie to Q about that? That he would like her but she’d hate him and tell Q? What if Q somehow realised that he was more than Eliot deserved in a friend? Or what if Q and Julia showed up here holding hands, announcing that they’d try a long distance relationship?   
Eliot hated that he hated that idea. He should be happy for Quentin, if he found someone to love.

Q would never date him anyway.

Eliot growled and pressed his head against the window. He hated this. He hated this and he shouldn’t hate it, which made him hate everything even more.

About ten minutes later, they arrived. Two bikes, pulling up in front of the diner. Q was on one of them, wearing a cute little hat and mittens. His cheeks were adorably rosy from the cold.

The girl who was with him was short with long brown hair and freckles. They laughed about something and Eliot could see his fear play out in front of his eyes. But they didn’t hold hands. Instead, Q waved at Eliot through the window. Julia followed his lead and raised her hand with an awkward smile.

Eliot could already tell that he’d like her. 

“Oh, it’s so warm in her.”, Julia groaned, as soon as the door closed behind the two. There was something raw and rough in her voice.

“Obviously.”, Q joked and took off his hat and- damn. For a few moments, Q’s hair was so wonderfully askew, that Eliot had to actively keep himself from walking over and putting his hands in these brown  curls. But then Q calmed his hair himself and Eliot had his urge back under control.

“Hey, El.”, Q waved again and sat down on the bench on the opposite side of Eliot. Julia followed Quentin, sitting down next to him.

“Hey.”, Julia smiled.   
“Jules, this is Eliot. Eliot this is Julia.”

“Hi.”, Eliot said with a warm smile, “I’m a big fan of your cookies. And I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.”

“Not as many, as I heard about you.”, she smiled. Q nudged her in the side and Julia started to laugh, “I’m glad Q found someone. A friend.”

Eliot looked down and tried to hide his bright smile, “Me too. Obviously. So how do you like it here?”

“It’s cute.”

“It’s terrible.”, Eliot corrected.

“Eliot hates the town.”, Q explained.

"Everyone hates it here. I just don't bother to hide it.", Eliot said flatly and handed Julia the menu, "Everything here sucks. Don't hope for something that actually tastes good."

Julia smiled, "Okay. I'll just expect the worst."

"That's the spirit.", Eliot liked her. He could tell that she had a similar view of the world as he had.

Quentin frowned, "Is it really terrible?"

"You've never been here before?", Eliot asked amused.

"No.", Q said shyly.

"Don't be embarrassed. It just means you and your folks have taste."

Quentin shrugged, "I don't know. Can you give me the menu when you've found something, Jules."

"Yeah.", she sighed, "I'll just take a burger and a shake."

Eliot grinned, "You could do worse."

"Yay.", she hummed and handed the menu to Q, "So Eliot. You guys met at school?"

"Yeah."

"Did you use him to cheat on tests?", she asked looking at Eliot sharply.

"No?"

"Because people use him quite often."

"Jules.", Q hissed, hiding behind his menu.

"I mean it."

Eliot cleared his throat, "I do well enough academically."

Julis nodded , "Good. Because q doesn't need fake friends."

"No One does."

"But Q deserves better."

"I agree.", Eliot smiled. Q was beet red and had completely gone into hiding behind the menu.

Julia smirked at Eliot and it was obvious that she enjoyed making Q blush as much, as Eliot did. Yeah, he was really beginning to like that girl.

“Can we please talk about something else?”, Q asked, lowering the menu enough that just the top of his glasses was visible.

“If you want to.”,Eliot said, leaning back against the bench, “But I for one like talking about you.”

Julia chuckled but then she did as Q asked, “So Eliot, you and Q are working on that play he wrote, right?”

“Yeah.”, Eliot nodded and then added, “I play Rupert.”

“I can’t believe he actually did it”, Julia smiled fondly and then turned to look at Q, “I really hope, I can come to watch but I can’t guarantee it. New York’s far away and I have school.”

Q sighed and put the menu down, “I already told you, we are gonna tape it.”

“And I already told you that seeing it live is something else entirely.”, she said smugly, “So you made your choice?”

“Mac and Cheese and a Shake.”, Q said and looked at Eliot to see if his choice was an okay one.

Eliot shrugged, “Never had Mac and Cheese here. I’ll just take a pizza and hope it isn’t too bad this week.”

“You and your pizza.”, Q groaned, before he turned towards Julia, “He eats nothing but pizza in the cafeteria.”

“It’s the only safe food there. But be my guest and try something else. You’ll see.”

Julia squinted, “Sounds horrible.”

“Does that mean that the food in the cafeteria of your old school was edible?”

“Very much so.”

Eliot scoffed, “That’s a very foreign concept to me.”

Julia laughed and that nudged Q in the side. Q was a little weird this day. He was constantly jumping between being tense and relaxed. He was relaxed one moment and then it was as if he remembered something and went back to being tense. Eliot wondered what this was about.

Q smiled at her and again, he seemed to relax, “Everything is different out here, I guess.”

“That’s one way to put it.”, Eliot muttered, looking out of the window. How he hated this place.

“Can I get you anything now?”, not-Maisie asked. Eliot hadn’t heard her coming which should be impossible with the heels she was sporting.

”Sure, sure.”, Eliot said and gestured towards Julia. Ladies first, right?

She gave him a weird look and then started, “Right, uhm, I’d like one banana milkshake and the farmhouse burger with Bacon.”

“Alright.”, not-Maisie scribbled the order down and then looked at Eliot.

“Yeah, a strawberry milkshake and the pepperoni pizza.”, Eliot smiled politely trying his hardest not to stare at not-Maisie too much. He was still creeped out by it.

After she’d written down Eliot’s order, not-Maisie turned towards Q, “And for you?”

“Mac and Cheese and a Caramel Shake, please.”

“Alright.”, she said with a very fake smile and turned on her heel.

Q waited for her to vanish in the kitchen, before he turned towards Eliot, “She’s-”

“Yeah. I know. Creepy. We should ask Maisie if she has a sister- or a clone.”

“Kinda feeling left out here.”, Julia remarked and inclined her head, “What is this about?”

Q nodded, “Yeah, yeah, uhm. Of course. She looks a lot like a friend-”

“She looks a lot like the girl who plays Jane in our play.”, Eliot said quickly. He wasn’t a fan of Q calling Maisie a friend. And that sucked. He was an asshole. Then he realised that he’d just called it ‘their play’ not ‘Q’s play’ but ‘their play’. He hoped it didn’t bother Quentin. 

Julia raised an eyebrow and there was something in her eyes, “Oh, okay. Well sisters do exist.”

“Yeah, but it’s-”, Q waved it off, “Whatever.”

Julia smiled, “Whatever.”

“How, are- How are you and James?”

“Who?”, Eliot looked between them, now he was the one who was being left out, “Who is that now?”

“Our common friend.”, Q said at the same time, as Julia said, “My boyfriend.”

Oh. This was awkward. Eliot cocked his head and tried to hide his relief. Yes, Julia was nice and funny and pretty, but she had a boyfriend. 

“Oh.”, Q said. He was unusually hard to read at that moment. 

“We are-”

“How long?”

“A few months.”, Julia shrugged, “But he says ‘Hi’.”, she smiled fondly.

“I- uhm, say hi back.”

Julia looked at the table, “I will. I know, I should have told you in the letters but we wanted to see if it worked out at first.”

Eliot felt a little left out but he wasn't dumb. Q liked Julia. And despite his own interest in him, Eliot felt bad that apparently Q had no chance with her.

"Q.", Julia said softly and at this moment Eliot knew that she had been well aware of Quentin's feelings for her.

"It's fine.", Q said and met her eyes. He smiled and it looked genuine, "There was a time when this would have, uhm, bothered me but it doesn't not any more, okay?"

Julia nodded and quickly looked at Eliot then back at Q and then at El again,"I see."

Q cleared his throat, "So, uhm, James, he uhm, didn't he have that model UN thing?"

"That is next year.", Julia said amused, "But yeah. He's excited."

"Do we have something like that at hour school? El?"

Eliot nodded, "According to my brother, we did. Urban legend has it that some kids said really racist stuff once though and then the school dropped it. Didn't know, it's your thing?"

"Nah.", Q said, "I actually could see you doing something like this."

"Me? I'm not a diplomatic person.", Eliot laughed.

Q shrugged, "I don't know."

Julia watched the two, head on her hands. There was something about here. Something very knowing and it was there the whole time. Eliot was used to being the smartest person in a room. With Q's arrival it shifted a little. They were pretty much equals in that department. Julia was something else though and Eliot had been able to see it before she'd opened her mouth. It was as if she was ten steps ahead in a game and she was the only one playing it.

Eliot swallowed and looked away, “Yeah, I’m not.”

Julia smiled and then nudged Q in the side, “Hey, curly Q, would you be so kind and check if my bike is locked properly. I have the feeling that somehow I forgot.”

“Oh, uhm, sure.”

Quentin got on his feet and headed outside. When Eliot met Julia’s eyes and saw her raise a brow, he realised that the two of them were now alone in here.

He squinted, “You’re bike’s locked, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you want?”

She sighed, “I want you to treat him well. Because if you hurt him, I-”

“If I’m not mistaken you are the one who just hurt him by telling him that you are dating your shared friend.”, Eliot said flatly.

Julia nodded at that, “That is- You have a fair point. But who I date and who I don’t date is up to me. I should have told him another way though.”

Eliot looked out of the window at Q, “Yeah.”

“Anyway, whatever your intentions are with him. Don’t play.”

“I- I wouldn’t-”

The door opened and Q hurried back inside, “It was locked, Jules.”

“Oh.”, Julia feigned surprise, “Oh, well. Sorry, I wasn’t sure.”

“It’s okay.”, Q sighed and sat down next to her. Then his eyes wandered between Eliot and Julia, “What were you two talking about?”

“Nothing.”, Julia said quickly.

“You talked about me.”, Quentin said and it wasn’t a question but a statement.

“A bit.”, Julia admitted.

“I can ensure you it was all good things.”, Eliot chimed in and gave Q a reassuring smile, “No embarrassing childhood stories shared.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

Julia shrugged, “If you don’t believe us-”

Not-Maisie appeared out of thin air behind Eliot and cleared her throat, “One banana milkshake and a burger for the lady. And Mac and Cheese for you.”, she put the plates and glasses down on the table, “The rest is coming right up.”

Q watched her head back towards the kitchen, while Julia dipped a fry in her shake. Eliot wasn’t sure if he was disgusted by that or if he wanted to give it a try as well.

“It’s not so bad.”, she mumbled.

“Yeah. Doesn’t look too bad.”, Q agreed.

Eliot shrugged, “Maybe food in New York is worse. What do I know?”

Julia shook her head, “Oh, it’s not. Maybe, I can invite you guys over after the school year.”

Eliot couldn’t stop himself from feeling excited just thinking about it. But he knew very well that there was no way, this would ever happen. That there was no way, his family would let him travel somewhere with strangers. Especially not in summer, when the farm needed all of the family’s attention. 

So in the end it would be Q visiting Julia. Leaving Eliot alone in Indiana for the summer. Eliot had been alone before but nonetheless the thought scared him.

“I don’t think it will work, but thanks.”

“Oh, come on.”, Julia said, “We’ll find a way.”

Quentin remained silent and looked at Eliot. He knew more than she did.

“Pizza and two shakes.”, not-Maisie placed the glasses and the plate in front of them. Despite knowing better, Eliot felt his mouth water at the sight. He was damn hungry. 

Eliot immediately reached for the shake and took a big sip to swallow down the lump in his throat. The shake wasn’t sweet enough and it was warm. At the same time Eliot’s pizza was cold and greasy and soggy.

Yeah. This place was terrible.

At least the others seemed to be equally disgusted, when he met their eyes.

“Okay. I take it back.”, Julia said after taking a bite of her burger.

“Me too.”, Q muttered.   
“Told ya.”

Julia frowned, “How is that food colder than the shakes? It makes no sense?”

“I don’t know.”, Eliot shrugged and took a bite of his pizza.

Quentin looked at his mac and cheese and shook his head, “I think some of the maccaroni are still raw?”

“Ew.”

“So.”, Julia started, “I’m stating the obvious here but the food in New York is way better than that.”

“Are there better places here to eat?”, Q asked, looking at Eliot.

“I don’t know. We don’t go out that much, but I don’t think it can get any worse.”

Julia shrugged, “I don’t know. Have you heard these stories of people finding fingers in their food?”

Eliot made a gagging noise, “Thanks.”

Q looked at his food and started to run his fork through it, “Thanks for the reminder. I’ll keep an eye open.”

They finished their food in silence. Eating that disgusting stuff was bad enough but having to watch other people talk and eat at the same time was a bit too much. Neither of them finished their plate but in the end, they were all too hungry to care about the taste.

"So, the play, it's going along nicely?", Julia asked.

"Yeah.", Eliot said at the same time, as Q said, "Mostly."

Eliot shook his head, "Don't listen to him. He's a pessimistic nerd."

"I know.", Julia nodded, "Would you maybe send me the script?"

"Jules, it's not-"

"It's good.", Eliot rolled his eyes. He was so done with Q constantly trying to undersell his accomplishments.

"Fine.", Quentin groaned, "I'll send it to you. But i want to go over it first."

"I can't wait."

"Are you a Fillory fan too?", Eliot asked.

"Almost as big as Q."

Eliot laughed, "I find that hard to believe."

"Trust me.", Q said softly, "She- she had this table in her room and we used to lay down underneath it. Eventually we drew a map of Fillory right there."

"That's really-"

"Nerdy.", Julia said.

"Cute."

Q blushed and Julia raised an eyebrow, "That's one way to call it."

"I mean you are cute. Both of you, I mean especially, when you were, uhm, younger.", Eliot muttered.

"Sure.", Julia said flatly and then smiled.

Eliot looked at her and squinted. She knew. She knew and she had been friends with Q for a very long time. Her loyalty was clearly with him and not with Eliot. What if she told him the truth? What if the two of them went home together and she’d spill it?

The thought scared Eliot a lot.

“Anyway.”, Q cleared his throats, “We were both huge nerds back then.”

“Back then.”, Julia snorted.

Q’s eyes narrowed, “Yeah, back then because you-”, he stopped. Eliot sensed that there was history here. His best guess was that Julia had grown out of Fillory, while it still meant the world to Q. Eliot could understand that though. Fillory had been Q’s safe haven and somehow Eliot felt like it didn’t mean the same to Julia. 

“Q, let’s not-”

“Yeah.”, Quentin cleared his throat, “Yeah, let’s- let’s not- I know.”   
“Fight.”, Eliot added and looked between them, “It shouldn’t matter if Fillory means less to Julia now than it once did. You two are still good friends. I can see that.”

“Thanks.”, Julia smiled at Eliot, “So is there anything in this town that I should see?”

Eliot laughed, “No, no, no. Trust me.”

Q shrugged, “The bench by the river is pretty nice.”

Eliot scoffed. Q wasn’t wrong. A little out of town was a small bench underneath an old oak tree, facing the river. Eliot and Q had once been there to practice. It was arguably the prettiest place in town. It was just funny that something as mundane as this qualified as the town’s highlight.

“Yeah. Yeah.”, Eliot said and then looked at Julia, “If you don’t have these in New York, it will blow your mind.”

Julia laughed, “Well, I’ve seen benches before but I like the idea of, uhm, of seeing something more of this place. And I wouldn’t mind some fresh air.”

Eliot could understand that wish, the air was reeking of oil.

“Come on, El.”, Q said and then stopped, “I mean unless, you, uhm, have to be home soon.”

Q being concerned about him was touching but Eliot still had some time until he was expected to be at the farm. And he’d be damned if he wouldn’t use every minute. Soon the winter break would start and then he wouldn’t see Q for weeks. The thought was enough to make El physically feel sick. 

He swallowed and shook his head, “No, no. I’m fine.”

“Good.”, Q said, “The bench is like- twenty minutes from here?”, he looked at Eliot.

Eliot raised a brow, “I’d say more like 15 minutes.”

“Let’s not fight over  _ that _ .”

“Agreed.”, Q said and waved not-Maisie over.

“The check?”

“Yeah. I’ll pay for all-”

“Q.”, Julia said at the same time, as Eliot opened his mouth to protest.

“I’ll pay.”, Q said and then turned towards them, “I mean, it’s not that expensive.”

“Q.”, Eliot said.

“No discussion.”, he said and took the check from not-Maisie. She didn’t seem to care about the disagreement among her patrons. 

Q handed her the money and she turned around, leaving them alone without any additional word.

Julia smirked, “Well, she already got her tips.”

“Maybe she and Maisie are related.”, Eliot mused as he got up from the bench.

“Maisie’s not that bad.”, Q said. It earned him a surprised look from Julia, as she followed suit and got to her feet.

“Tell me.”, Julia looked at Q.

“She’s nice.”, Q and shrugged.

“Cute?”, Julia asked, as she put on her hat and her jacket. Somehow it made her look smaller.

“I guess?”

“Ou la la.”, Julia laughed. Eliot wanted to hurl. He concealed his grimace by turning away from the others, as he put on his coat.

“It’s not like that.”, Q said, “She, she asked me out to a ball. But I said no. But she is very nice and all-”

“Why did you say no then?”

Eliot hated this entire conversation. Maybe, he should have headed home. Maybe the farm wasn’t worse than this.

“El said the ball’s lame.”

“It is.”, Eliot pressed out.

Julia shrugged, “I mean, balls are lame but you could still go there. With the cute and nice girl.”

Q held the door open for the two of them. A gesture that made Eliot feel like a giddy little kid. Leave it to Q to be the last gentleman on this planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JULIAAAAA. That's it :D


	17. the coin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that this fic takes place in like the 00s.

When they reached the bench, the three of them sat down not really sure what they should do next. It was cold but as always the spot by the river was a nice place to be. There was no snow. Yet. But somehow it was impossible not to believe that it would be there soon. 

"So this is like your favorite place?", Julia asked and pulled down her cute little hat.

"As I said: It's a terrible place to be at."

"It is nice here."

"It sucks.", Eliot muttered and rubbed his gloved hands together enjoying the warmth. Suddenly he remembered how much he missed laying awake late at night on the barn.

Q sighed, "Maybe you should try to change your perspective once in a while. It's just this bad for you because- Maybe recognizing that what you are feeling is very subjective might help."

"I don't think I can just think about this place differently. I'm not an empathic person."

"Bullshit.", Q groaned and then sighed, "Whatever."

Julia leaned back against the benach and smiled, "You know, James and I had a joint the other night?"

"Really?", Q asked.

"Yeah. We were at a party and this older dude offered, so-"

"How was it?", Eliot asked. He had to admit that he was curious. Another downside of a small town like this was that it was impossible to buy booze, cigarettes or drugs without risking his father finding out. He would like a try though.

"It was- pretty cool."

"How?", Q asked.

"It made me happier."

Eliot could see the same longing in Q’s eyes he felt at these words, “That sounds pretty nice.”

She shrugged, “It kinda was.”, Julia rubbed her hands and sighed, “There is- I don’t want to get too used to it though. Maybe I’ll try it again at a party, but I don’t know.”

“Did you go to a lot of parties in New York?”, Eliot asked. He imagined what it must be like.

“No.”, Q said and looked at Julia, “Sometimes she went with friends of hers but that’s it. Basically.”

“Sounds nice.”

“It’s fun.”, Julia said, “I’m actually going to more parties these days.”

“Now, that I’m not there to stop you?”, Q said without any judgement or bitterness. 

Julia whinced, “No. Now, that we are older. There’s just more people having parties. That’s it.”

Q shrugged at that, he didn’t seem to fully believe her. 

Eliot smiled at him and then nudged him in the side, “I think it makes sense.”

Julia smiled weakly and then she shivered, “I’m really cold. Can we go home?”

“What time is it?”, Eliot asked wrapping his coat tighter around his body. It was cold but Eliot really didn’t want to go home.

“Almost five.”, Q muttered, before he looked up, “It should get dark very soon. And it looks like it will snow and moment now.”

Eliot sighed, “Yeah, I uhm, I have to be home soon.”

Julia jumped to her feet, rubbing her hands to create some warmth and then pulled Q up to his feet, “Come on then. Eliot, where do you live? Maybe, we can ride part of the way together.”

“He lives in the opposite direction.”, Q answered for El.

Eliot was thankful that he hadn’t told Julia that he lived on a damn farm, “Yeah.”, Eliot grabbed his bike, “It’s been nice meeting you.”

“Likewise.”, Julia said and regarded him with a fierce intensity. Eliot felt known. It was unsettling.

“See you at school, El.”

When they met a few days later at school, Quentin was obviously beaten down. It took Eliot some time to figure out why. Q had gotten a glimpse of his old life when Julia came to visit and now he had been tossed back into the tristesse of existence in Indiana. It was understandable, that he wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

“You miss Julia, huh?”, Eliot asked, as they settled down for lunch.   
“Yeah.”, Q said and looked at his pizza with obvious disinterest, “I can’t believe it’s the last week of school before christmas.”

Eliot nodded and looked at the sad little gingerbread man, the lunch lady had handed everyone this day. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was safe to eat or not, “I’ll miss-”, Eliot stopped himself from saying ‘you’, “I’ll miss the theater club.”

“Me too.”, Q said after a moment.

“Are we well within schedule?”, Eliot asked, raising his brow.

Q took a bite of the gingerbread man, made a grimace and then took another bite, “Yeah.”

“Good.”, Eliot said and then raised his gingerbread man, “Is it edible?”

“I think so?”, Q smiled the slightest bit and Eliot took that as a win, “Thanks for using me as a test subject on that matter.”

“I didn’t ask you. You just took the first bite. Not my problem.”

Q chewed and then shrugged, “It’s better than the diner food the other day.”

“That’s not hard.”, Eliot put the little gingerbread man down and sighed.

“Not even gonna try it?”, Q asked and his lips quirked up into another smile.

Eliot shook his head, “I will. Don’t worry. I’ll eat it later.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll save it for the rehearsal.”, Eliot continued and instead took a bite off the pizza, it was cold but it tasted somewhat okay.

“Fine.”

“Do you think Julia will come back for our show?”, Eliot asked, as he pulled the Fillory script out of his bag. There were a few lines he wanted to look at.

“I don’t know.”

“Did she say anything?”

“She’ll try to make it work.”, Q shrugged, “But Julia has a lot of activities. I don’t know if she has enough free time. Especially now that she has a boyfriend.”

Eliot sighed, “I like her.”, he said slowly, “I can see that she’s a good friend but you shouldn’t be upset that you- that you two were never more than that.”

“I’m not-”

“I don’t think you would have worked well together that way.”, Eliot laughed, “But I’m not really good with people, so I don’t know if I have the expertise in that matter.”

Q smiled, “I don’t think so.”

“Yeah.”, Eliot laughed.

“Thanks though.”

Eliot smiled, "Yeah. So that James guy-"

"Yeah common friend."

"Hm.", Eliot hummed, "Fuck him."

"He's alright."

Eliot shook his head, "Fuck him. At least for now."

"Fuck him.", Q sighed and then he had to smile, "That really helped."

"The power of swearing, I guess.", Eliot muttered, "Is that a thing? If it isn't it should be."

"It is now."

"Oh no. I spoilt you.", Eliot said dryly, "I really am a bad influence."

"You sure are.", Q sighed, "I'm gonna miss you El."

Eliot struggled to press out a response. Q felt the same about the break as he did, "Me too. It's only for a few weeks. No need to be overly dramatic."

"You lost your shit, when they used aquamarine instead of light blue for your costume."

"It's clearly stated in the book. And I look paler in aquamarine. That was a very good reason to be upset. Thank you."

Q shook his head, "I'm not having that debate again.", he paused, "You can come over any time. You know that, right?"

"I will. If I can come up with an excuse."

"Good."

Eliot sighed, "It's not gonna be easy. But we'll see each other in two and a half weeks no matter what."

"I know."

"So are you gonna write a play for the next school year?"

"I already told you: No."

Eliot groaned, "I know, it's just- Theater is so much fun."

"You can act in another play, you know?"

"It wouldn't be as much fun when you're not there directing it."

"El-"

"You are so easy to rile up.", Eliot deflected quickly.

Quentin smiled at him with a gentle spark in his eye, “You can just say that you like me, you know that?”

Eliot’s heart was racing. He was sure it would jump out of his chest any moment now. His hands were wet and he felt hot and cold at the same time. For a moment, they held each other's gaze. To Eliot’s surprise, it was Q who broke the spell by looking down, “We are friends, right?”

Eliot let out a quiet breath of relief, “Yeah, we are friends.”

“You don’t have a phone, do you?”

“I rarely use it. It can’t take pictures or anything.”

Q shrugged, “Doesn’t matter. Give me your number.”

“Calling is super expensive.”

“I’ll call you.”, Quentin shrugged. On Christmas eve, okay? Then we can talk once during the break.”

Eliot nodded, “I’d like that. But you have to call me at night. 11pm or something?”

“Deal.”, Q handed Eliot a small paper slip.

Eliot scribbled down his phone number and handed it back. Quentin smiled as he put the piece of paper into his backpack, “You know, if someone told me half a year ago that I’d find a new best friend here within days, I would have laughed at them.”

“Me too.”

“I just- I was- I just- Thanks.”

Eliot smiled at him, “Thank you.”

“I still miss Julia though.”, Q said slowly, “In a perfect world, we’d all go to school together.”

“We are all clever. Maybe we’ll go to college or university together.”

I̷t̴ ̸w̷a̶s̷ ̸w̵a̵r̶m̵.̶ ̷E̷l̷i̶o̵t̴ ̷t̵o̶o̶k̴ ̸a̵n̸o̸t̸h̵e̶r̸ ̶d̶r̷a̷g̸ ̸f̴r̴o̶m̶ ̶h̵i̵s̴ ̴c̸i̶g̸a̶r̵e̸t̶t̶e̷ ̸a̷n̸d̴ ̸c̴l̷o̵s̸e̶d̸ ̵h̶i̶s̶ ̴e̴y̵e̷s̴.̸ ̸H̶e̵ ̸w̶a̶s̷ ̸l̷a̴y̶i̶n̷g̷ ̸o̶n̵ ̷t̵h̴e̸ ̸B̸r̷a̵k̷e̴b̴i̵l̸l̷s̵ ̵s̸i̴g̸n̵ ̷i̵n̷ ̷f̵r̷o̴n̸t̴ ̶o̶f̵ ̸t̵h̵e̷ ̶m̵a̸i̸n̷ ̵b̷u̵i̷l̵d̴i̷n̷g̴.̶ ̵T̸h̸e̸ ̷c̶a̷r̷d̷ ̸w̴i̵t̶h̸ ̶t̷h̷e̶ ̵n̶e̸w̸ ̸s̵t̷u̵d̶e̵n̴t̵s̸ ̴n̷a̸m̸e̸ ̴o̷n̶ ̷i̷t̷ ̴w̶a̷s̶ ̷t̶u̵c̵k̶e̷d̷ ̷a̷w̷a̶y̵ ̵i̴n̷t̷o̸ ̴h̷i̷s̸ ̴p̸o̸c̶k̷e̷t̶.̸ ̸Q̷u̷e̸n̶t̴i̷n̴ ̸C̴o̴l̴d̸w̷a̴t̴e̷r̸.̵ ̷S̶o̷u̸n̸d̷e̶d̸ ̶l̷i̸k̴e̴ ̴s̷o̴m̵e̴ ̵p̶r̵e̸t̶e̶n̶t̷i̵o̴u̷s̷ ̵a̸s̵s̶h̶o̶l̸e̷.̶ ̸A̶n̸d̸ ̴u̸n̴l̶i̷k̶e̶ ̶h̷i̷m̵ ̷a̴n̶d̵ ̷M̶a̵r̷g̶o̶,̵ ̶h̴e̴ ̸d̶i̸d̴n̷'̶t̵ ̵s̷o̷u̴n̸d̷ ̴l̵i̸k̸e̴ ̷t̵h̷e̴ ̴f̵u̴n̸ ̴k̶i̵n̶d̵ ̷o̴f̶ ̸p̶r̷e̵t̶e̶n̷t̷i̵o̸u̶s̵ ̶a̷s̸s̸h̷o̵l̴e̸.̶

̷F̴o̴g̷g̵ ̵h̵a̴d̵ ̴i̷n̵s̴i̷s̸t̷e̸d̴ ̷o̸n̷ ̴E̶l̵i̵o̶t̵ ̶w̷e̸l̷c̸o̴m̵i̵n̵g̶ ̵h̷i̶m̵ ̵t̶h̷o̷u̸g̵h̴.̶ ̸A̶n̴d̸ ̴E̷l̴i̵o̵t̶ ̴l̴i̷k̸e̷d̷ ̶H̵e̸n̵r̵y̷ ̵w̸e̶l̸l̶ ̴e̴n̵o̷u̵g̵h̶.̶

Eliot blinked against the memories. As always they faded immediately. After a second Margo and Quentin Coldwater were the only words stuck in his head. After two seconds he’d forgotten what he’d been thinking about.

“That would be nice.”, Q nodded.

“Yeah.”, Eliot nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d said before.

Quentin looked at the clock and sighed, “This is it.”

“Hm?”

“Last lunch before the break?”

“Right.”, Eliot took a few breaths.

Q stood up and smiled at Eliot, “See you at practice. And don’t be late. We have a lot of stuff planned.”

“Don’t tell me. It’s usually Vince.”

Quentin sighed, “I know, but last week, it was you.”

Eliot flipped him off playfully and then got up from his chair as well, “But I’ll try my best and be there on time.”

“Thanks.”

Q grinned widely, “What do I get if you break your promise?”

_ A kiss. _

Eliot shrugged, “I didn’t promise anything.”

“But it would be more fun. Maybe we should make it a rule. Everyone who’s late has to pay a dollar.”

“Fine with me. As I said, the problem is Vince.”   
“I mean 20 percent of the time you are the one who’s late.”, Q mumbled and then looked at the clock again.

"We are late now.", Eliot sighed. The cafeteria had cleared around the two of them.

"Yeah."

Neither of them moved. They'd see each other at the theater later. And then, then it would just be two weeks. No need to be dramatic about it.

But there was something heavy between them. Since they'd known each other, they hadn't been separated for longer than two days. Two weeks felt like ages now. And if they went to class now- these two weeks would have gotten a whole lot closer.

"Can we just stay here for a bit?"

"Class.", Q said.

"Screw class. We have good grades. we can be a little late. Let's come up with a convincing lie together."

"El.", Q said but he didn't move. Neither towards El nor away from him.

"We are both creative guys. We can figure something out. Come up with a story, I don't know. Let's just say, that we had- that there was something for theater."

"El.", Q said and smiled at him, "We are, we'll be okay."

Eliot swallowed, "You don't get it. Every weekend the thing that keeps me going is you. Knowing that I'll see you on Monday. It's different when it's two weeks. I don't know if I can handle the shit at home."

Q swallowed, "How did you do it before?"

"I honestly don't remember anymore."

"I think- remember that we'll call."

Eliot nodded, "I- I know."

"Do you think that helps?"

"I'm not sure.", Eliot sighed, shaking his head.

"I have something for you.", Q whispered.

Eliot stared at him blankly, “You- you do?”   
Quentin nodded and reached into his backpack, “It’s kinda- kinda like an early christmas gift. I actually wanted to give it to you after the rehearsal.”

“I-I don’t have anything for you.”   
“You saved me.”, Quentin said softly, “It’s enough.”

“Q.”

But Quentin shook his head and pulled something out of his backpack. It was a tiny wrapped thing. Basically as big, as a jewelry box, “It’s just a very little something. I made it myself together with my Dad.”

Eliot looked at Q and took the gift. The box was surprisingly light, yet Eliot knew that whatever was in there would mean the world to him.

“Open it.”

“I know what a gift is for.”, Eliot replied dryly. Sarcasm was always a good way to hide how he really felt.

He tore apart the wrapping and then found himself looking at a tiny box. It did indeed look like a jewelry box but Eliot doubted that that was what he’d find inside. He couldn’t see Q manufacture something like that.

Carefully, Eliot opened the case.

Inside was a small coin. No, it wasn’t a coin- or it was. But it wasn’t made from metal or copper. It was a wooden coin and there was the silhouette of a ram embedded in it.

“Is this?”

“Ember. Umber’s on the other side.”, Q said quietly, “Do you like it?”

“I love it.”

Quentin huffed, “It’s entirely useless but I kinda liked the idea of giving you something Fillory related.”

“It’s not useless.”, Eliot whispered.

“You know what’s funny?”   
“A koala wearing a tiny hat?”

Q chuckled, “No, no. I mean, yes- but- What’s really funny is how much I owe to Fillory. It got me closer to Julia. It saved my life and then it helped me make friends with you? I mean everything good that happens to me is somehow connected to it.”

“I’m thankful for that.”

Q smiled at him, “Good, anyway. Class.”

“Yeah.”, Eliot nodded, “Class. We should really get going.”

“All of the sudden?”

“Yeah.”

Quentin smirked, “See you at practice Waugh.”

Eliot waved after him as Q left the cafeteria. Eliot remained standing there, staring at the tiny wooden coin. He’d come up with something he could gift Q in return.

He had more than two weeks until they’d meet next year. He should be able to make that work. Maybe he could actually sew something for Q. Something small?

Maybe a hair band that looked like a crown or something.

After rehearsal, Eliot helped Q clean up the theater. They had to move the backgrounds and props and clean the dressing room. Usually it wasn’t their task but right now they felt obliged to it.

It also helped them to stall.

“So what did you think?”, Eliot asked.

“Huh?”

“My acting earlier.”

Quentin grinned, “Terrible. I’m considering a recast. I think even a cactus in a costume could do better.”

“Wow.”, Eliot smirked, “Just because you wouldn’t be the most prickly guy in the club then.”

“Prickly.”

“You are.”

“I’m not.”, Q laughed, then he cleared his throat, “Listen, I- you did good. Your acting was perfect and on point.”

“Big praise.”

“I mean it.”, Q sat down on top of the giant unicorn prop, “You are better than Maisie and Vince combined- don’t let them hear it- And you have less experience than they have. I think you have a shot, when it comes to studying acting later.”

Eliot nodded, "I mean, I hope so. I also think that you- that you can make it and be a real director one day."

"That would be incredible.", Q jumped down from the unicorn.

"Right?"

Q sighed and then he stepped forward and pulled Eliot into a tight hug. He felt as if his eyes would be squeezed out of his head from the sheer force of it.

"Q.", Eliot carefully freed himself of the hug

"Mhm. We- we are almost done.", he pointed up at the unicorn, "That's the last prop."

"Your dad will take us home?"

"Yeah."

Eliot swallowed,"Good."

"Maybe, we can meet? Like- why not arrange a meeting, when we are on the phone. A secret one. At night or something."

Eliot would love that but- "I can't bike in the snow."

"Shit."

"Yeah. And I can't walk anywhere from the damn farm."

Q sighed, "Maybe you can talk your folks into anything."

"I doubt it. But I'll try.", Eliot sighed.

"Now help me move the unicorn."

Eliot laughed at the obscurity of that sentence but nodded and pushed the unicorn off the stage. It was a giant horse on wheels with a rainbow colored horn.

Eliot liked it a lot. He'd always been a fan of the tiny unicorn subplot in the books.

The nice thing about Fillory was that the unicorns were different from how they were everywhere else.

They were mean but very magical.

And rude.

Like really rude.

The two of them pushed the unicorn offstage and then Q looked at his watch, “We do have some time until Dad picks us up.”

“Good.”, Eliot sat down cross legged on the stage and swallowed, “Let’s stay here forever. We can live in this theater. Together.”

Q laughed and Eliot laughed with him. He’d been partially serious though. Imagining it was nice. Him and Q living forever in the theater. Years from now historians would talk about the two boys, who just occupied their school’s theater. Just two best friends. Nothing to see here. Bros being dudes. Historians being historians.

“Imagine that.”, Q muttered, as if he could read his thoughts.

“We could build elaborate traps with the ropes.”, Eliot mused and looked up at the ceiling to prevent anyone from coming in.”

“What would we eat anyway?”, Q asked, face as serious as it usually was whenever he planned out a scene.

“I think there’s enough crumbs under these seats.”

“Ew. Gross.”

“Or we fight our way forward. We start with the theater and then we take the cafeteria.”, Eliot said looking in the distance, “We can make our own Pizza.”   
“Hm.”, Q nodded and grinned, “What would you do, if you had your own school?”, Q asked and leaned back against the wall.

“My own school?”

“Yeah. Like if you-”   
“I get it, it’s just- This might be the nerdiest you’ve ever been.”

“You love it.”, Q said flatly.

_ You have no idea. _

“Maybe.”, Eliot mumbled and then he paused, “I’d make sure that no one gets bullied though. And I’d educate kids better. On social matters I mean, sexism, racism, homophobia-”, he said the word quickly, “Transphobia, ableism, antisemitism.”   
“I get the idea.”, Q whispered, “It sounds nice.”

“Yeah.”

“I think, I’d- I’d also focus on that.”, he sighed, “You know Julia was treated super sexist by one of our teachers once. At my old school.”

“How?”

“He said that she shouldn’t apply for the math club because she’s a girl.”

Eliot shook his head, “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“What a prick.”

Q just nodded, “She signed up and made sure that she was the absolute best. It was amazing.”

“After meeting her: I wouldn’t have expected anything else from her.”

“There was this bisexual boy at my old school.”, Q’s voice was lowered drastically now, “He was always confident about himself and his sexuality. But then, there was this one teacher who treated it like a problem when he kissed a boy during lunch. And then the other students started to act like it was an issue too.”

“What happened?”, Eliot asked. He felt sorry for that boy. 

Q shook his head, “I-I don’t know, I left school shortly after that happened.”

“Were you friends?”

“I never really liked him.”, Q shrugged, “I feel like he is very unlikeable.”

“Because he’s-”

Q shook his head, “No, no, not because of his sexual orientation. Just- I never liked him. He made me angry and sad and I could never stand him.”

Eliot looked at Q, it was unlike him to feel so intensely negative about someone else. But maybe that had been a side of Q, Eliot had yet to meet. Or a side that had been changed by the mental hospital, “Was he ever mean to you?”

“Yeah. I’d say our distaste for each other was mutual.”

“Well, I hate him too.”

“Sometimes, I’m afraid you do.”, Q said so quietly that Eliot barely heard it.

“What do you mean?”

Q shook his head, “Nothing.”, he jumped to his feet, “Come on.”

“But our plans to conquer the school.”, Eliot gasped.

“Another time.”

“You are just scared, scared of the price of a revolution!”, Eliot put on his theater voice and a terrible French accent.

“Maybe.”

Eliot nudged him and then swallowed, "But yeah, we should probably head out."

"Can't believe I've been at this school for half a year now."

"Me neither. It feels like you just arrived."

"I remember when you tripped, when we first met."

Eliot swallowed, "I kinda hoped- that you forgot about that."

"Are you kidding?! How could I ever?", Q laughed.

"Ugh.", Eliot shook his head, "I really tried to be cool that day."

"Me too."

"You don't have to be cool. You are so much better the way you are."

"This feels as much like an insult, as it feels like a compliment. Props."

Eliot smiled, "It's a compliment."

"Good."

"But you are- You are cool El."

They walked down the hallway and again Eliot was overwhealmed by the urge to just- stay here. Stay here and forget everything else. Allow the world to narrow down to Q and him. And Eliot wanted to kiss Q. He wanted to kiss him so badly."

"Maybe we should have went to our school's dance.", Q said after a while, "Together."

Eliot paled, "What?"

"You know. Just to hang out."

"That- that would have been nice."

Q smiled, "You would have made fun of the tuxes and dresses of the others and gossiped."

"That sounds like me."

"And i would have listened."

"That sounds like you.", Eliot smiled.

Eliot smiled at Q, “Let’s just- Just get this dumb shit over with and- And go home.”


	18. winter nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read it: I hate this chapter but I even editing bits didn't help :/
> 
> There's some hinted at homophobia.

It was christmas eve and Eliot was lying in his bed. He was counting the seconds until his phone would ring. Should ring.

Eliot missed Q like crazy. It had become unbearable after five days and now, all he was holding on to was this phone call.

It was ridiculous.

Christmas eve had been somewhat okay so far. Eliot’s family actually tried their best to be decent on holidays. They weren’t exactly nice to him but they weren’t terrible either. They had dinner together, Clint, Melinda and Davis had come over and Eliot had taken Davis outside to play in the snow. A decent distraction from everything else that was going on. 

Eliot looked at the little sewing project he’d started with. The gift for Q. He was far from being done, but it should be completed by the time school restarts.

*Ring*

Eliot looked up. It was exactly 11pm. And Q was calling him. For a moment Eliot wondered, if Q had been doing the same thing he was doing right now. Laying on the bed and waiting for the clock to signal him that it was time for their call

“Hey.”, Eliot answered.

“Hey.”, Q sounded different on the phone. Eliot prefered hearing him in person, yet that single word was like balm on his soul right now.

“Merry Christmas?”, Eliot said quietly.

“Not quite yet.”, Q whispered and Eliot could hear the chuckle in his voice and immediately saw his smile in front of his eyes.

“Whatever.”

Quentin laughed, “How have you been?”

“Okay. My nephew came over tonight and we built a snowman. Well, I did and he was messing around.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“It was.”, Eliot smiled, “What about you?”

Q sighed, “I was on the phone with Jules earlier. She’s fine. The sexist teacher announced that he’d leave school soon.”

“That’s good news.”

“Right? Apart from that, I didn’t do much. We have this tradition of going fishing at Christmas every year.”

“You went fishing in New York?”

“Well, we drove a little.”, Q replied, “So, we also went fishing earlier this day and I caught one.”

“Congrats.”

Q chuckled, “That happens rarely believe me.”

“Sounds like fun though.”

“I never took you for someone who enjoys fishing.”, Quentin said flatly. Eliot laughed and got up to his feet, walking towards his window to sit down. The snow was falling slowly outside. It was such a peaceful sight. Moments like this Eliot understood what some people liked about the countryside.

“I don’t. I just think that it sounds like fun. If you are into watching disgusting moist creatures.”

“Ew.”, Q groaned, “You make it sound so- ugh.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I miss you.”, Q said, his voice soft and quiet, “It’s not the same. Writing that script. You always have good ideas and- and it’s more fun, when you’re there.” Eliot felt his heart leap at that.

“I miss you too.”, he replied.

It would be so easy to admit it now. That he was in love with Q. It would probably be easier on the phone. Eliot could just say it and hang up. Or he could out himself. He could just say, ‘I’m gay’ and that would be it.

But the words wouldn’t escape his mouth, so Eliot swallowed and remained silent, waiting for Q to reply.

“We are very codependent, are we?”

Eliot chuckled, “Yeah, I guess, you could say that. It comes from being nerds, who literally have one friend only.”

“Quality not quantity.”

“Quality not quantity.”, Eliot echoed. Outside a deer was wading through the snow. Eliot always admired them for their elegance. Such pretty creatures.

Q cleared his throat, “I, uhm, I started writing something else. A new Fillory book. Set years after the others.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“I’ll let you read the first chapter, when I’m done with it.”

Eliot smiled, “Can’t wait. Is my boy Rupert gonna be in it?”

“Maybe as a cameo?”

“Good enough.”

Q chuckled, “I’ve been thinking about the story for a while. I’m actually happy, I finally started it. It’s all mapped out already, you know?”

Eliot smiled, "That, that sounds pretty good."

"I hope so."

"So, I was hoping that- I'm trying to figure out how I can pull off Rupert's last scene in the play."

"When he gets sent back along with the others?"

"Yeah.", Eliot said slowly, "I mean, he must be in despair. He had something there. Something that helped him grow."

Q sighed, "I already tried conveying that in the script."

"I know.", Eliot said and I think you managed well, "I just- I think, I have more ideas on what we could do with it."

"Explain."

"I think we should end it more- in your script he's sad but I think she should be angry."

"Angry?"

"Yeah."

Q hummed, "Maybe. As long, as you can convey to our audience why that is. Sure."

"I'll do my best.", Eliot looked at the snow, reaching out to run a finger down the glass.

"I don't doubt that."

Eliot shook his head, "I know that.", he laughed, "I know that."

"Why are you laughing."

"Because I believe you. You are the first person who never doubts me no matter what.", Eliot said, swallowing, "You believe in me."

"Well. I believe in a lot of things.", Q said, voice soft.

"Take the compliment, will you?"

"Fine."

"See? Not that hard."

Q laughed and then hummed, "Yeah. I could get used to it."

“You better.”, Eliot sighed and leaned his head against the cold glass of the window, “I’m tired.”

“Then sleep.”

“No, I wanna talk to you. The whole night.”, Eliot mumbled and looked at the snow. He wished he could pick up his bike and visit Q.

Q made a weird sound at that, “Yeah. Same.”

“Just one more week and then school starts again. We can do it.”

“I know.”

Eliot sighed and stared at the barn. He wished he could climb it. He missed summer. He missed reading the whole night and staring at the stars.

“El?”

“Yeah.”

Q swallowed, “It’s not really my place to ask, but-”

“Go ahead.”

“I always feel like there’s some sort of secret you keep from me.”, Q said and Eliot could hear the tension in his voice despite the shitty connection, “I mean- I don’t need you to confess everything about yourself to me. I just want you to know that you can.”

Eliot nodded. it was dumb. Q couldn’t see him, “I know.”

Eliot did know it. But he had no interest in telling Q the truth. Telling him that he was in love with him. Because even if Q wouldn’t mind it and wouldn’t be weirded out, it would ultimately change things between them.

Besides it wasn’t like Eliot had the impression that Q was always sharing everything with him. And that was okay. In Eliot’s eyes friendship wasn’t about sharing everything. It was as Q had said: It was enough to know that you could.

“Good.”, Q sighed, “I hate the idea that you don’t trust me. Is that wrong? Is that an asshole thing to hate?”

“No.”

Q was silent for a moment and so was Eliot. 

“You know-”, Eliot started, “It’s nights like this, I get why people love to romanticize farm life.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sitting by my window.”, Eliot rubbed his head, “And we have these lights outside. And it’s all very- peaceful. All I see is snow and trees and more snow. Sometimes a rabbit or a deer. It’s really- Calming.”

“I’d need that sometimes. I think.”, Q said, “I mean, from my window I can see houses and that’s it. Sometimes a car is driving by.”

“What was it like in New York? The winter, I mean.”

Q laughed, “Warmer. It was always busy. I mean it’s always busy in New York. But Christmas time did things to people. It made them kinder. That was nice.”

Eliot closed his eyes and imagined it. Busy streets, shops everywhere and lots and lots of people. But not just people. Strangers. Strangers everywhere. He liked the thought of it. Here everyone knew everyone else and it was one of the aspects of living here Eliot hated the most.

“What was your apartment like?”

“It was nice. We had this- This small apartment but it had access to a rooftop garden. I grew tomatoes there.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

Eliot laughed, “You were kind of a farmer and I don’t know what that means to me.”

“I wasn’t a farmer.”

“You kind of were.”

“I grew tomatoes, that’s not farm work.”, Q laughed.

“I bet there is a definition that applies but whatever.”, Eliot sighed, “I like you better as a non-farmer-city-kid anyway.”

“Too kind of you.”

“Kindness is something I’m known for.”

Q laughed, “Yeah. Sure.”

"I'm deeply offended that you find that funny.", Eliot said dryly.

Q laughed again, "Whatever you think, Waugh."

"You know, when I was little there was this fair in town. They stopped doing that because apparently the food they served there was a good part of rat shit.", Eliot changed the topic, "Whatever, you could ice skate there and- I went there with a friend. Taylor. And we were there the whole day. And it's- it's been perfect. And somehow this- somehow just talking with you is enough to remind me of that day."

Q was silent for a while. Eventually, Eliot started to worry, if he'd fallen asleep. Then Q spoke again, "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Taylor. Who's in our year?"

"Yeah. We, uhm, aren't friends anymore. It was my fault. And I- I don't want you to know why because then you wouldn't be able to see me the same way again and I don't want that."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Trust me. It is."

Q sighed, "Maybe that's just in your head."

"I doubt that."

"I know arguing with you about your own self perception is like arguing with the moon, so I give up. Anyway, why did the fair end because of rat poop?"

"Well it was done by this local mid size company as a promotion. A catering company."

"Oh."

"Yeah. They went bankrupt from the lawsuits."

Q snorted, "I mean would anyone have hired them after. Probably not."

"No way."

"What a mess."

"It's this town in a nutshell."

“Sounds about accurate.”, Q muttered.

They’d talked the whole night. Well, four hours. 

Eliot missed Q the minute he hung up. It was ridiculous but it was the truth. He missed hearing Q’s voice and his laugh.

At least Eliot was tired enough to sleep by now. 

_ Eliot dreamt. He dreamt of a reality where he’d met Q at college in New York. He was studying design and Q was studying literature. They were living in a dorm together. There was no fucking small town and no toxic familiy. Just El and Q. _

_ And then one night- one night in the dream- Q kissed Eliot. It was soft, gentle and everything Eliot had dreamt it would be. _

_ And then it was just this: _ _   
_ _ Q and Eliot slow dancing together, kissing on the couch. Making out in bed after hours of cuddling. _

_ It was perfection. _

When Eliot woke up, he wasn’t sure where he was. For a moment, it felt like he was still in the dream. As if Q would be lying right next to him the moment, he turned around. Then he caught up to reality. Q wasn’t here. He was at his place. Eliot was still in Indiana. The kiss hadn’t happened. It had all been a dream.

Even the realisation that it was Christmas morning wasn’t cheering him up.

He wanted to crawl back into his dream, the way you crawled back into bed after waking up too early.

He wanted to live in his dream.   
And more than anything he didn’t want the dream to fade. He wanted to keep it, so that he could return to it whenever he wanted.

“Eliot!”, his mother yelled from downstairs, “Eliot!”

Eliot groaned, rolling around in his bed, “Coming!”

He allowed himself to close his eyes for a short moment, then he sat up and walked over towards his wardrobe. Eliot grabbed a shirt and a pair of jeans, slipped into it and then jogged downstairs.

His father, mother and two of his brothers were already sitting around the christmas tree.

“You’re late.”

“I know.”, Eliot said quickly, “Sorry, I was- I was really tired.”

Rafael looked at Eliot with a funny face but said nothing about it.

“Just sit down.”

Eliot groaned and sat down next to Rafael and Jeff. Instead of making eye contact with anyone, Eliot stared at the presents underneath the tree.

He’d bought a little doll for his Mom. One of those weird, creepy collectable things. She loved those. They creeped the hell out of Eliot but he wasn’t gonna hobby-shame her. Finding a present for his father had been a little harder. In the end Eliot had joined forces with Jeff, Rafael and Clint and bought him a little model tractor. Dad loved farm work. He loved it a lot.

For Jeff, Eliot had bought a new CD of his favorite band.

And for Rafael, Eliot had gotten a new basketball. It wasn’t creative but Eliot felt like it was more than they deserved from him.

Besides, it was probably tons better than what he’d get from them. Usually his family gifted him “manly” shit. Like a few hours at the shooting stand or whatever.

Eliot wasn’t a fan of guns. His brothers went hunting occasionally but Eliot always refused to come with them. He hated the idea of killing something. Even if it was just some dumb animal. It sounded messy and like something he’d very much think about a lot afterwards. Besides it meant spending time with his brothers and his Dad and that itself was terrible.

So instead, Eliot stayed home and helped Mom in the kitchen or in the house.

“Eliot, you start.”, Dad said without any fondness in his voice. It was a bit of a hierarchy thing. The one lowest in the family hierarchy started, until Dad was the last to open his gift.

Eliot sighed and reached out to grab the gift with his name on it. It was just one, so either the whole family had bought something for him or some of them hadn’t even bothered. 

Eliot was careful, when he unwrapped the paper and placed it next to him. The gift itself wasn’t really big but it wasn’t small either.

He had no idea what it could be and knowing the track record of gifts in this family, he didn’t really care.

“We picked it together.”, his Mom said softly.

“Thanks.”, Eliot smiled at her. That was the thing. Sometimes, they meant well. It wasn’t their fault, they didn’t know him. Well, it was but Eliot felt like it wasn’t their intention.

Eliot turned the gift and looked at it. It was a lamp for his night stand. The one he had had been broken for some time. It wasn’t even an ugly lamp. Actually it was pretty. Blue and black and with tiny waves on it.

“Thank you.”, Eliot meant it.

The rest of the gift exchange went uneventfully. And just like that, Eliot was one day closer to seeing Q again. That was, what his days were about currently. Getting closer to next Monday one step at a time. Despite having barely slept last night, Eliot sat in his bed a few hours before he went to sleep. He used the time to reread some of the script. Then after he was done he practiced. It wasn't the same without other actors and in his room but it made him feel closer to Q.

And that was what it was all about.

Besides, he liked acting. It made him happy to slip into another person's body. Try on their personality like a new outfit. And weirdly enough, Eliot often returned to his own body likeing himself more than before and being more sure of who he wanted to be.

There was something straight up therapeutic to it and Eliot wondered if it might work for Q. Maybe he should recommend it to him. But on the other hand the thought of seeing Q acting wasn't quite right. It didn't fit properly with the image Eliot had of the boy.

He ran a hand down over the script. It was the page where Rupert was talking about his love. Eliot had read it a thousand times but it was his favorite thing in Q's script. And only now did he realise why. It was gender neutral. It was done in such a smart way, that you wouldn't realise but it had to be deliberate.

Q must have done this on purpose.

Eliot reread some other parts of the script. Other smaller mentions of Rupert's unknown love interest.

No gender.

No gender anywhere.

Elito swallowed. Quentin was definetly- Definetly okay with Ruperty being possibly gay. For all anyone knew, he could be? Rupert’s love interest wasn’t explicitly mentioned, just hinted at.

The thought alone made Eliot smile. He set down the script and laid down to sleep.

_ That night, he dreamt of Fillory. Eliot dreamt of being a king. It felt strangely familiar. Less like a dream and more like a deja vu. _ _   
_ _ And Eliot dreamt of Q. He always dreamt of Q. _

_ ~~~~~~~ _

It was two days before school started, when Eliot finally finished the gift for Q. The crown wasn’t perfect. It didn’t look as good, as the plastic prop, they had for the play but it was somewhat recognizable as what it was. And the more Eliot looked at it, the prouder he felt. Besides, he knew that Q would like it no matter what.

That realisation was what Eliot figured doing drugs was like.

Q would like his gift no matter what, because it came from him and because it was made with love. Eliot couldn’t wait for his friend to see it.

The anticipation for it however, made the wait feel even longer. Two days shouldn’t feel as long, as they did but ever since Eliot was done with the crown, time seemed to be sluggish and slow.

It didn’t help that there was nothing he could do at home. There wasn’t much work on the farm that needed to be done currently and whatever work there was, was being taken care of by his Dad or his brothers. 

Eliot was bored.

But then, he had an idea. He went downstairs and took a piece of charcoal from the chimney. The house was almost empty and no one noticed him, when he snuck down and then back up into his room. 

Inside, Eliot pushed a small table in front of his door. It wasn’t enough to block it completely but it would warn him if someone came in, which seemed unlikely at a day like this and with dinner still being a few hours away.

Eliot checked the door once and then sat down in front of his mirror. It wasn’t really the kind of mirror that was meant to be used to apply make-up but it would do just okay. Eliot just needed to see if he was screwing up too bad or not.

He raised the piece of charcoal and frowned. He’d never done makeup before neither on himself nor on others. But he was curious what he looked like with eyeliner. He had been for years. At least he’d wear makeup for the play, once they were starting the live shows. But then it would be done by some volunteers. But honestly: Could it be so hard?

Eliot broke off a small chunk of the coal and set the rest aside. Then Eliot took the small chunk and put it underneath his eyelids and moved.

It hurt a little. The coal had rough edges and it was dangerously close to Eliot’s eyes but it worked.

It actually left a black smudge.

A completely uneven one though.

Eliot sighed and took a glass of water from his nightstand, dipping a tissue in it. Then he carefully cleaned the uneven smudge.

Then Eliot tried it again.

The smudge was a little more even but still not.

Eliot cleaned his eyes again and applied the coal a third time. It was getting smoother with each use.

This time, the line around Eliot’s eye was even but it wasn’t as black, as the smudges before. Eliot sighed and cleaned his eyes again.

The fourth time, the make up was perfect or at least as good, as Eliot thought it was possible to apply makeup with just a piece of charcoal.

Eliot liked the look on him. It was just his left eye so far, but if Eliot turned his head sideways, it looked good enough. In a way, it was what Eliot always wanted to look like. The make-up combined with some nice clothes felt like something Eliot could be comfortable in.

Eliot swallowed and turned sideways, running a hand down his face.

He wet his finger and rubbed it over the coal. Carefully, Eliot applied it to his eyelids. He hoped it wouldn’t come away completely black. He was hoping for a dark shade of gray.

As opposed to his improv eyeliner, the eyeshadow actually felt good, when he applied it. 

When Eliot opened his eyes, he looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. The make up wasn’t perfectly applied but he liked it. It made him look sophisticated. Almost like some rich city man.

The way he wanted to be seen.

Eliot smiled at himself in the mirror and wiped away a single tear that had dared to fall.

He loved that little glimpse of a possible future, if he ever got out of here.

No. When he got out of here. Ever since Eliot met Q, he was more confident of that. Maybe Eliot had never believed in a world outside of this town before but now he did.

It was something that had always seemed so distant but Q had come here from outside, so it must be possible the other way around.

Besides that, Q had shown him kindness. And the makeup was just another step. Another puzzle piece. The make up and the acting were another part of what he wanted to be.

Eliot ran a hand down his face, tracing his jaw.

He wished he could go to school like this. If he was being honest, he would be scared of the comments but he felt like it was worth it. Like his confidence should carry him over.

He wondered what Q would say about his makeup experiment.

Somehow, Eliot was sure that he'd like it. That he'd say that it suits him. Eliot sighed and dipped the tissue into his water glass again. Then he washed off the improv eyeliner and eyeshadow. 

Somehow he looked wrong without it.

It shouldn't be possible but it was exactly how Eliot felt right now.

He put the charcoal into a drawer and pushed it shut.

He could get it out, whenever he felt like recreating his makeup.

~~~~~~

Suddenly, it was the first day back at school. Something deep inside of Eliot had doubted that this day would ever come but it did.So.ehow he'de made it through two weeks without seeing quentin. Somehow, he'd handled it and was still sane.

It was a miracle really a christmas miracle.

When Eliot woke up this morning, he was thrilled his stomach was feeling light and tingly. He couldn't help but think about the first day of this school year. How insecure he'd been about going back.

Eliot wished that he could take his younger self aside and tell him that everything would be okay. 

Picking his outfit this morning was a tough choice. He couldn't help but think about the way he'd looked with his make up a few days ago. 

He wanted to have an outfit that gave him the same confidence. But that was hard with his existing wardrobe.

Really hard.

Eliot ran a hand through his curly hair and sighed, he'd improvise. He'd always had to improvise. He'd handle it.

In the end, he settled for black jeans and a light grey shirt. That itself was neat but boring, to give his outfit a special touch, Eliot dugt a small red handkerchief out of the depths of his wardrobe. He'd put it in his bag and then wrap it around his neck at school.

It wasn't as fancy as his make up from the other night but it would do and somehow, it felt like him.

Q would probably like it. Martin had worn something similar in one of the Fillory books, if Eliot wasn't mistaken. 

Yeah. Q would love it.

The thought alone made Eliot want to jump in joy. He loved making Q happy and he felt like he was good at it. From what he heard there weren't many people or things in the world who made Q happy. That alone was sad but Eliot was proud to be one of the rare exceptions.

He was special that way and for once, Eliot liked that word. Suddenly, he liked it.

Special.

He grabbed his bag and checked for everything he needed. School equipment? Check. Home work? Check.

And most important: The gift for Q? Check.

He was ready. It was just a little too early to leave for school now. If he'd head downstairs now, he'd ve stuck at a Waugh family breakfast and he had no interest in this. He'd enough of those in the past weeks.

So Eliot stayed and cleaned up his room. It wasn't like there was much to clean up anyway but he did it anyway. It was a bit of a nervous habit of his. He liked having something to busy himself with. 

Eliot wasn't a person that liked order but he liked aesthetically pleasing things. Order wasn't always aesthetic. It was most of the time though. So he went through his belongings. He started by folding his clothes.

And then it was time for school.

Time for Q.

Elilt grabbed his bag and jogged downstairs. Rafael was waiting there with his dumb smile plastered across his face and Eliot froze. That was his usual: Eat-shit-eliot face. Fuck.

What had Eliot done? What had been done to hi.? Did it matter?

Eliot waited until they were both out of the house, before he spoke up, "What is going on?"

"Nothing."

"Raf."

Rafael shrugged, "I was just thinking, you know that I helped you with your weird theater shit."

"Yeah and I- we had a deal.", Eliot replied, as he climbed into Rafael's car.

"Sure. Sure."

"Raf. Out with it.", Eliot let his head fall back against the headrest.

"There's this girl, I'm seeing."

Eliot nodded, "Okay. And you want me to shut up, when I hear you sneak in and out?"

"A little more than that."

"A task?", Eliot asked. It was odd, since there wasn't that much they could do at the farm at the moment.

"Yes and No."

"Out with it."

"I promised dad to go to a fair with him. I don't know some agricultural exhibit or something. But that girl asked me out for that day."

Eliot groaned, "Sucks to be you."

"Sucks to be you, when I tell Dad, you lied."

Eliot groaned, he looathed the idea of going to some stupid exhibition with his Dad but if Rafael told him that theater wasn't mandatory, he'd be royally screwed.

There was no way Eliot was risking this.

"Fine."

"See not that hard."

Eliot squinted at him, "But you promise me, that you won't use it against me ever again. There has to be a time when we are even."

"We'll see."

Eliot groaned once more and banged his head against the headrest.

"Oh, come on.", Rafael groaned, "Don't be a fucking drama queen."

"I just don't like being blackmailed."

Rafael shrugged, "What is it with theater anyway?"

"It's fun.", Eliot said, he reached for the small wooden coin in his pocket and twisted it a little, "And it makes me happy."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's weird."

"Is it weird that football makes you happy?", Eliot asked matter of factly.

"No but it's different."

"How?"

Rafael just shrugged and shut up. Eliot would take this as a win. At least for now.

He knew that Rafael didn't intend to be mean. Actually he believed that no one in his family intended to be a jerk-except for his Dad 

It was just that they had no idea how to not be mean.

When they arrived at the school, Q wasn't there waiting for Eliot. That was somewhat worrisome. They'd settled into a routine that included Q waiting for Eliot in front of the school and then they'd either head directly to class together or hang out before it was time to head to whatever class they had.

Q was always there.

And now, he wasn't.

There was no moment of feeling moderately worried. Eliot immediately assumed that Quentin had been institutionalized.

His mind was flooded with images of Q sitting in a cell all alone. What about their Fillory play? It had been his dream.

Eliot swallowed and looked around. Maybe all of the worry had been for nothing? Maybe Q was standing somewhere else?

Maybe the bus had been late.

No. This couldn't be the case. There were too many students here. If it was something with the bus, the school yard would almost be empty.

Fuck.

"Q?", Eliot asked. He wasn't brave enough to yell. He had no intention to get any attention from any of the bobbleheads.

Martin and Kevin were standing at the door. They weren't looking at him directly and Eliot quickly looked away, before there was any eye contact.

His first class would be english. Q should be there with him. Maybe Q was already inside and in the classroom.

It was pretty cold outside. Eliot could understand if q would prefer to sit inside.

Eliot reached into his bag, grabbing the handkerchief and wrapped it around his neck. It didn't give him the confidence boost he's hoped for. Maybe, that was because of Martin and Kevin standing in front of the door or because of his worry for Q.

Anyway, he felt insecure.

Whdn Eliot arrived at the room, Q wasn't there. His seat was empty.

Immediately, Eliot wondered if he'd simply missed him outside..his rational mind knew that it was impossible but he still pondered over it.

What if Q was waiting out there in the cold, thinking that Eliot had forgotten about him? He could have just missed the bus. That was a reasonable explanation.

_ Or he's in a mental hospital somewhere. _

Eliot swallowed and sat down at his place.

If Q was at school, he'd come and Eliot could explain the misunderstanding between them.

_ Please come _

Q didn't turn up. And Eliot's mind was racing. What if he's in a fucking paychiatiec hospital? What if he moved? Could you just move within a week?

The worry got so bad that Eliot had an idea. It was dumb but it was all he could think about.

He raised his hand, "Excuse me?"

"Yes, Eliot?", his teacher answered

"I'm not feeling so well. Can I go home?"

"See the nurse first. But yeah."

Eliot nodded, "Thanks."

He visited the nurse and told her that his stomach hurt. She ran some tests and Eliot faked some symptoms. It was surprisingly easy.

"I think you should head home. Do you want me to call your parents?"

"No.", Eliot shook his head, "My Mom is shopping in the mall five minutes from here. I'll just go there."

She narrowed her eyes but then sighed, "Fine."

Eliot smiled at her and then brought his hand to his stomach, "Ouch."

"Get well soon.", the nurse smiled softly.

"Thanks.", Eliot said and grabbed his bag. He wanted to get out of here, as fast, as possible. He wasn't a big fan of lying to a nurse. Besides, he had to walk to q's house and that would take him a good forty minutes or so.

From there, Eliot would have to walk back to school for theater practice. If that was even possible without Q.

No.

No matter, what was the matter with q, the show would go on. Even if Q had been put into an asylum, Eliot would make sure of it. He'd act his soul out and send Q a tape. Just so that he saw his own talent.

Because he was the only one, who struggled to recognize it.


	19. the visit

Eliot walked down the street and through the snow. It was cold but in the end he knew that Q would be worth it. He just needed to know if he was okay.

If he was still in town.

Eliot had no idea what he would do if Q had been sent away though.

Would he try to convince his parents to get him out?

Anyway, he'd try to get into contact with him. But Eliot didn't want to even think about it. Just the thought of Q not being here was enough to scare him.

Eliot swallowed and reached into his bag, holding the little knitted crown.

"Please be there."

After walking for endless time, Eliot reached q's house. He looked up at q's window and swallowed. There was no light burning inside but it was a bright day. Eliot sighed and knocked at the door.

For a moment, he was worried that noo e would answer but then, Q's mom opened the door and blinked at him, "Oh, Eliot. Shouldn't you be at school."

Eliot groaned, "Yeah, but-", Eliot stilled, what if Q was ditching school and Eliot would rat him out by asking about his whereabouts.

"He's feeling a little under the weather."

"Oh.", Eliot felt instant relief wash over him.

"Yeah."

"Can I- can I talk to him?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Please.", Eliot whispered.

Mrs. Coldwater sighed and put a hand on her hips, she looked exhausted and it was obvious that she didn’t like the idea.   
“Please.”,Eliot said, “I will keep my distance, I just need to see him. For our theater play. You must know, how much it means to him.”

“I do.”, she sighed, “Fine.”

“Thank you.”, Eliot said quickly.

She stepped aside and let him inside, “Just knock, before you enter his room and if he's asleep and you wake him, don’t put the blame on me.”

“Is he grumpy, when he’s sleepy?”

“Very.”

Eliot grinned because he was sure that Q would be super pissed and embarrassed if he found out what his Mom had just told him. He was sure it would be super adorable.

“Thank you for the warning.”, Eliot smiled.

“It’s only fair.”

Eliot gave her a warm smile, before he slipped out of his dirty and wet shoes. He was still freezing but it was cozy and warm inside of the Coldwater house. In a way, it reminded him of the way Q made him feel.

*KnockKnock*

Eliot hoped that Q was awake because as adorable, as a sleepy and grumpy Q was, he didn’t mean to wake him. If he wasn’t feeling well, he’d need all of the sleep he could get.

“Mom, I want to sleep.”

Eliot swallowed and opened the door, “Not quite right.”

Q was laying on his bed, blanket pulled up to his chin, his nightstand was covered with a bunch of used tissues. There was a huge bottle of water on the floor next to his bed.

“El.”

“Hey.”

Q rolled over and blinked, “What are you doing here?”

“Visiting you.”

“No shit.”, Q groaned, “But wh-”

“I was worried when you didn’t show up.”, Eliot said quietly, “I was worried you were brought to a hospital. I don’t know- I heard holidays are bad for people with depression and I- I don’t know what I would have done, if they’d actually locked you up.”

“That’s- I’m fine. I just missed you. And I started feeling bad yesterday, so Mom and Dad decided not to send me to school.”

“Makes sense. I shouldn’t have worried.”

Q smiled and then suddenly froze, “Wait, shouldn’t you be at school?”

“I’m- I ditched.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Whatever, nerd.”, Eliot smiled, “I was just- I needed to know you were okay. Otherwise I would have lost my mind.”

“I hope I can come back in two days.”, Q smiled weakly.

Eliot nodded, “Take your time. I, uhm, what about theater later?”

“We need the practice. I trust you to make sure, it’s not going to suck.”, Q grinned, “You can do it.”

“I’m a little scared of Maisie.”

Quentin laughed, “I can write you a note.”

“Please.”, Eliot smirked and walked over towards Q’s desk, handing him a piece of paper and a pen.

Q grinned and scribbled something down, “Here.”

**_Do as Eliot says._ **

“I like that.”

Q smirked, “I mean, it doesn’t apply to most situations. You are pretty terrible when it comes to everything that doesn’t involve theater.”

“Thanks. Way to ruin the moment.”

“You’re welcome.”

Eliot smiled and took the note. He looked at Q’s face for a moment, before he remembered something, “I, uhm, I brought you something.”

“Homework?”

“No, asshole.”, Eliot said fondly, “A christmas gift.”

“El-”

“Shut up.”, Eliot smirked, he reached into his bag and pulled out the little crown.

“El. It’s-”

“It’s the crown. From the books. Obviously.”, Eliot swallowed, “I hope it’s okay.”

“It’s beautiful. Where did you get it?”

“I made it myself.”, Eliot wasn’t sure, if Q was just being cute or if he’d seriously thought Eliot had bought it.

"It looks amazing.", Q whispered and looked at it with an intense focus and a small smile.

"I'm glad, you like it."

"I love it."

Eliot grinned, "Well, then I expect you to wear it at school."

"I might."

Eliot laughed, "You shouldn't. I think wearing an ugly knitted crown is a good way to be bullied. I'm not speaking from experience but I'm sure about it."

Q smirked, "Good guess. I might wear it for the play though. And it’s far from ugly, El."

"You really like it.", Eliot said surprised.

"Yeah."

"I wouldn't have expected it."

"It's cute. Thanks.", Q said and reached for his water, taking a big sip, "I'm glad you came over. I dreamt of you."

Eliot stared at Q for a moment, "You dreamt of-?"

"Of course. You are my friend and- and in my dream, we were in the theater, so it wasn't-"

Eliot sighed, "You don't have to justify yourself. Come on. You are- we are friends. It's normal."

"I'm scared that I'll screw things up with you.", Quentin said alowly, "I'm so scared that i'll say somethibg dumb and then that's it."

"I feel the same way. But i say my fair share of dumb things and I can ensure you that I'd never stop being your friend because of something you said and didn't mean."

"Same goes for you."

"I know. It's the believing I struggle with. It's just- hard to get it in my damn head and keep it there."

Quentin sighed, “I know. It’s the same for me. You should probably head back to school.”, he sighed, “I don’t want you to miss too much because of me.”

“It’s no problem and worth it.”

Q smirked, “Well, that’s- that’s very nice but I- I’m pretty tired.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”, Q smiled softly, “But as I said. I’m super happy that you are here and came to visit. It means a lot to me.”

Eliot nodded, “I’m just happy to see you.”, he put the little piece of paper into his pocket, “Let’s see if Maisie listens to me.”

“She better will”

Theater without Quentin was weird. Theater without Quentin was wrong. Eliot knew this much before he even set a foot inside of the room.

Maisie and Vince were already there. Luke would come here later. There was a scene involving Plover later but there was no need for him to be here earlier than he was needed.

Eliot was happy about this.

He wasn’t a big fan of Luke and that feeling was very much mutual. Eliot could do very well without a fight this day.

“Where’s Quentin?”, Maisie asked.

“Do you know?”, Vince added, standing up.

Maisie grinned, “Of course, he knows, they are pretty much connected by the hips.”

Eliot felt his face heat up at the phrasing, “We are best friends.”, he said. He wondered if him saying that made it worse or better.

“Of course. So?”

“He’s a little sick but should be back to school by the end of the week.”

“Okay, then listen to me.”,Maisie grinned, “I am the captain now. As the most exper-”

Eliot pressed the paper into her hand, “That would be me.”

She groaned, “Amateurs.”, there was no heat to it. Over the past months the bickering between them had lost most of its hostility and was slowly turning into a fondy back and forth.

Eliot wasn’t sure if it was because Maisie was slowly being convinced by Eliot’s acting chops or if he was growing on her as a person.

“So, do you know what scenes we want to go through?”, Vince asked. He’d watched their little not-argument with a sly smile.

“I think we can go all the way until the end.”,Eliot looked at his script. It looked well used by now, even though he was doing his best to be careful with it.

“Should work.”, Maisie said.

Vince shrugged, “Just wasn’t sure, if we can do everything.”

“I agree with Maisie. And so does Q as far, as I know.”, Eliot shrugged.

“Okay. How are we doing this? Without Quentin to give us feedback.”, Vince asked, a small eyebrow raised over his- Martin’s thick glasses.

“I’d say, we all give each other feedback after each scene. We don’t have any outside view of the scene but apart from that, it should work.”

Maisie nodded, “We’ll just pay extra attention to each other.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Good.”, she jumped to her feet and walked backstage, “I’ll get dressed, can you start with the stage in the meantime.”

Vince snorted, “I wish, she’d help with that occasionally.”

“Yeah. Would be nice. She only helps, whenever Luke’s there.”, Eliot said, lowering his voice conspicuously.

Vince chuckled, “Well at least she’ll help after the practice then.”

Eliot laughed and at that moment, he realised that maybe- just maybe, Q wasn’t his only friend at this school.

In the world.

He wouldn’t ride through the night, or ditch school, or spend the whole break knitting a gift for Vince or Maisie but he liked them. And they didn’t seem to hate him either.

It was nice but also scary. Because now he had two more people he could hurt. Two more people with whom he could somehow screw it up.

“Come on.”, Vince said and walked to another backstage area, where they stored their props. Some of them were missing because the art club was still in the middle of finishing them but most of them were here.

Eliot liked them okay.

Some were phenomenal, some were terrible.

The majority was okay. Maybe, Eliot was just being a dick for not being impressed or it was because he cared so much about this play.

He wanted perfection. 

He wanted perfection for Q.

Eliot and Vince built up the background and got the props on stage, then they quickly changed their clothes right there, because why not? Eliot didn't mind it too much although he did take good care, that he wasn't looking too intensely at Vince's body. Eliot wasn't attracted to him but he didn't want him to believe he was. Maisie came out soon after and smiled at them, "You did good."

"Thanks.", Eliot said dryly, "Now, let's get started."

"Okay.", Vince nodded and went to his mark,"Just like this?"

"Just like this.", Eliot nodded.

Maisie smirked and the next moment,  _ she was Jane, sitting in front of the castle. Eliot- Rupert walked up to her and sat down, "What are you thinking about?", he didn't look at her. He just stared straight ahead. _

_ "We did it. We saved the kingdom." _

_ "I guess.", Rupert sighed, "That's a good thing though." _

_ "I know.", Jane replied but she still looked sad, "But I liked it. I liked being a hero. Or something similar to a hero." _

_ "You are a hero JaJane." _

_ "Well, you are a king." _

_ Rupert raised a brow, "And you are a queen. I don't see what's the point here?" _

_ "It's weird. I think I know how to be a hero now. But I have no idea how to be a queen. And I don't think you know how to be a king either." _

_ Ripert nodded, "We grew into being a hero before. We'll grow into this too." _

_ "I hope so." _

_ “I think, I know we w-”, Eliot- Rupert stopped. _

In the actual show, the kids in the background would pull a curtain at this moment. This was the scene the Chatwins were forced back to earth. They had finished their adventure and it was time to go home. Fillory always worked that way. The quest was done and then the kids were sent home. 

It was a system that frustrated Martin specifically. In one of the later books, he’d complained how unfair it was that they had to suffer back on earth because they succeeded in saving Fillory.

“So?”, Maisie asked; “How do we like this so far?”

“I think, it’s okay.”, Vince said and frowned, “I mean, it’s not a long scene.”

“It makes sense to have a break here, because of the change in scenery.”, Eliot said and looked at the background. They wouldn’t change it in the rehearsal.

“Any specific feedback?”, Maisie asked Vince.   
It was how she worked. Maisie was a little arrogant and very ambitious but she thrived off feedback from others when it came to her acting skills.

Eliot shrugged, “I think your fake accent slipped a little in the beginning.”, it was the best Eliot could do. Maisies performance had been flawless.

She opened her mouth but then she seemed to consider it and nodded, “Thanks.”

Eliot would bet that Q could have done better. That he’d found something more important to comment on but there was nothing he could change about that now. Q was at home and they were here.

Q returned to school three days later. Each of the past few mornings, Eliot had hoped that he’d see Q standing in front of the school building. So far, he’d been disappointed each day.

Now, Q was standing at his usual spot. He looked pale and tired, his shirt appeared to be even bigger than usual.

It hurt a little to see him like this but more than that, it was a relief to see him at all.

“Hey.”, Eliot said, as he walked up to him, “You look like shit.”

“I know.”, Q grinned, “And thanks.”

“I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too.”, Quentin said and then frowned, “I wish, we had theater after school.”

“Same.”

Q sighed and rubbed his forehead, “On the other hand, I can’t wait to get back to bed.”

Eliot looked at his pale friend, “Maybe you should head back home, if you aren’t feeling well. It’s all okay, you know?”

“No. I don’t want to miss too much. Besides, I’m just tired. I actually feel okay apart from that. Mostly.”

“Well you can always sleep during maths.”

“Ugh. Maybe.”, Q laughed, “Look, what I brought.”, he opened his backpack and pulled out the woolen crown. Eliot watched Q run his hand over it, before he cleared his throat, “It’s the one you mad-”

“I know.”, Eliot said quickly, “I don’t think you should wear it here at school.”

“I won’t.”, Q shrugged, “It’s just a little- I don’t know- a little good luck token.”

Eliot laughed because he had no idea how to react otherwise. It was- Q was too much to handle sometimes, “You are so sappy.”

“Maybe.”

“But I like you for it.”, Eliot smiled.

Q grinned, “I’m glad. Listen, I uhm, I changed my mind. I think I wouldn’t mind turning the script for the second Fillory play into an actual thing.”

“I like that. But why did you change your mind?”

Q shrugged, “It was fun? The first one was fun. I don’t see why we shouldn’t do it.”

Eliot hummed and nodded, then he gently put a hand on Q’s arm, “We should head inside, don’t want you to be late.”

Quentin followed him and waited a few minutes, before he asked, “Would you be in?”

“The play?”

“Yeah. I mean, in the play, but also- Would you help me write the script? Give me feedback or something?”

Eliot nodded and then smiled, “Of course.”

“Good. Good. It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, if you weren’t involved.”

Eliot grinned, “I know. I’m so much fun to be around.”

“Sometimes.”

“Always.”

Q rolled his eyes, “Well, you aren’t boring. That’s for sure.”

“That’s enough.”

“How did the practice go?”, Quentin changed the topic, as they entered the school building. Eliot was instantly overwhelmed by the warmth and the sound of other students chatting. He needed a moment to adjust mentally, “Well enough.”

“Maisie gave you any trouble?”

“Nope.”   
“Was Luke a diva?”

"Of course.", Eliot grinned, "He's Luke."

"Why expect anything else?", Q replied dryly.

""You have to ask that question to yourself."

"Fair point.", he said and then smiled, "There's something, I have to announce to you."

"Okay?", they stopped in front of the math room, stepping aside just enough so that other students could still get through the door.

"Jules will make it to our premiere.", Q beamed at these news and at this moment he looked just the way he always did. Not the slightest bit sick.

"That's great."

Q nodded quickly and eliot could practically see a switch in his head, being flipped. It was something Eliot saw often just before Q started one of his adorable nerd rants or ramblings.

Eliot loved those.

He smiled and giggled a little, which was a bit of a new habit of his whenever he was excited and listened to Q as he went on and on about Julia.

Q's adoration for his friends was something, Eliot appreciated and loved about him. When it came to Q there was no 'half assing' things. He always seemed to love the things and people he admired with every ounce of his small body.

"Cool, right?", Q asked. Whatever he'd said was somehow related to Jules.

"Yeah. Cool."

Q sighed, “You haven’t listened to me, have you?”

“Wasn’t on purpose.”, Eliot said with a weak smile, “I just zoned out for a moment.”

“I was just saying that she plans to stay for a full week.”

“That’s great.”

“I’m just happy, she’ll come over again. even if it wasn’t for the premiere. I like that you two get along so well. It’s like two important parts of my life fitting like a puzzle. It’s very satisfying.

“I like how you put it.”, Eliot replied, pushing the door open. There were a few students in the classroom, copying homework and chatting with each other.

Q shrugged, “I am a writer after all.”

“Now we are getting a little ahead of ourselves.”

“Says you.”

Eliot smiled, he was so happy. It had just taken Q to be here and he felt like the happiest boy in the known universe. All this time, Q had been the missing key to happiness.

~~~~~~~~~

Ever since the winter break had ended time seemed to be racing. The premiere of the play got closer every day. The rehearsals got more and more elaborate and it involved more and more props and costumes.

And Maisie, Vince, Q and Eliot got more nervous each day.

It was odd. Eliot knew that the play was good. He knew that they were good. The acting, the costumes, the props, the background.

It was all good.

It didn’t stop him from being scared though. This was important for him. But it was also important for Q, for Maise and for Vince. People he’d grown to like. More or less. And he felt responsible for them. For their future careers.

It wasn’t a feeling he liked but he took it seriously nonetheless.   
  


“So, how did you guys feel?”, Q asked. It was the first time they'd gone through the whole play in one rehearsal.

Two or three costumes and a background were still missing but that was it. That was the real thing. What they’d been working for.

“Exhausted.”, Maisie said, but she was smiling where she was sitting next to Luke.”

“What she said.”, Eliot mumbled wiping his forehead with the sleeve of his costume shirt. It wasn’t exactly comfortable especially, if you wore it under the spotlight.

Vince just shrugged. He wasn’t very vocal when it came to voicing his thoughts. Or opinions. In fact he wasn’t very vocal when it came to anything but his lines.

Luke sighed, “Okay, I guess.”

“I think you did good.”, Q said, basically ignoring Luke’s comment. He was still bitter about not being cast as Rupert. You’d think that he’d manage to handle it after months but apparently that wasn’t something Luke did.

Part of Eliot was convinced he’d hate him forever. Even if that was true, Eliot had to admit that he didn’t care much. He did value other people’s opinion to a certain degree but Luke’s wasn’t one he cared about.

“Thanks.”, Eliot smiled at Q, “Are you sure that it’s all as you imagined it to be? I just had a different image during some scenes.”

“It’s all fine.”, Q said softly, “I’m so proud of all of you.”

“I’m proud of you.”, Eliot said so quietly, that hopefully no one except for Q would hear.

He turned and smiled at Eliot with a quick nod.

“So, there’s still something, I want to go over with you guys.”, Q cleared his throat.

“Sure.”, Maisie sat down, adjusting her dress a little so that it showed some of her leg to Luke. Eliot had to smile to himself.

Was he as obvious with Q? Hopefully not.

“So, Vince, get rid of the stupid socks. I know costume send them but they are distracting”

Vince smiled relieved and instantly untied his shoes, “What do you suggest instead?”

Q watched Vince slip out of the red socks, “I don’t know a normal color, I guess.”

“Normal.”, Eliot snorted.

“Don’t act dumb.”, Q muttered, “Go whote or woth something that roughly the same color as the pants or jacket.”

“I should be able to find some.”

“Good.”

“Anything else, boss?”, Maisie asked and and leaned back.

“I don’t think so. You all did fantastic.”

Eliot felt a blush creep up his cheek and smirked, “We are pretty great, aren’t we?”

“The best.”, Maisie looked at Luke.

“I can’t believe we’ll premiere soon.”

“Me neither.”, Q sar down next to Eliot.

Eliot shrugged, “I-uhm, are you guys nervous?”

“Yeah.”, Q answered.

“I’m not.”, Maisie shrugged.

Eliot looked at her and sighed. Of course she wasn't nervous. She was an absolute professional. 

He admired her for that.

"We should drink to it.", Luke said after a few moments, "After the premiere."

"Like with alcohol?", Q asked.

"Of course."

Maisie was the first to agree, "Sounds good."

"Okay.", Eliot said. He was interested in trying alcohol. Besides, an offer like this was special coming from Luke.

Q frowned, "I don't know."

"You don't have to drink.", Eliot said quickly.

Vince said nothing as usual. It was, as if he was trying to melt together with the background.

"Fine.",Quentin said, "But we have to be careful. I don't want us to get into any trouble because of some sgupid booze."

"We'll be careful.", Luke said. He was mildly annoyed at q and Eliot instantly felt protective of his friend.

"Are you sure that we can just drink in secret."

"Yeah.", Luke groaned, "We do it often enough."

"Okay.", Q muttered and looked at his feet, "I can't believe it."

"The booze?", Maisie asked.

"The premiere."

Eliot swallowed. It was probably time to ask his family to come. He was expecting a disinterested 'No'. He shouldn't care about what they said but he did.

He wanted them to be there.

To show them that he was good at this.


	20. balance

It was late at night, when Eliot biked to Q’s house. He hadn’t done this since last year but tonight he had to see his friend. He’d asked his parents if they wanted to watch him at the premiere and it had gone as well, as Eliot had expected it to go. Them denying the invitation hasn’t been a surprise but it had hurt nonetheless.

Eliot was disappointed because a tiny, daring part of him had hoped.

And now, he just needed Q. He needed to see him and talk and just- Just be close to someone who understood him and his passion for theater.

At least, Eliot had managed to sneak out unnoticed. It was cold but the snow had melted away a few days and it hadn’t rained in sometime, so the street wasn’t slippery. Eliot wondered, if he’d still risked biking to Q’s if it was. 

He probably would have.

Eliot pulled up in front of Q’s house and climbed off his bike. Above him Q’s room was dark. For a second, Eliot considered, just turning around and leaving Q alone, so that he could sleep.

But then he decided to be an egoist.

He needed this talk. Otherwise he’d be upset the whole weekend and if anyone knew the value of mental health, it would be Q.

Eliot leaned down to pick up a few small stones and weighted them in his hands. They should be small enough not to break Q’s window.   
That would be very awkward. And expensive.

Eliot shivered at the thought of his parents finding out about his nightly visits.

He singled out one rock and tossed it against the window. It made a soft ‘thud’ sound and then fell back down.

Eliot waited a few moments, before he tried again.

*Thud*

The light inside of Q’s room was turned on and a few moments later, Q appeared by the window, opening it.

He looked terribly sleepy. His hair a mess and his glasses completely askew, “El?”, he groaned, as he opened the window.

Yeah. Eliot was a dick.

“I need to-”, Eliot felt his voice break. He tried to brush it off as a side effect of biking here through the cold but he couldn’t convince himself of that.

“Are you okay?”

Eliot wanted to nod, but instead he shook his head.

“I’ll let you in.”, Q said and closed the window before Eliot could respond. 

It took Q a few moments to open the door and then he was standing right there in front of Eliot and Eliot couldn’t help it. He practically threw himself into his arms.

Q made a surprised sound but then wrapped his arms around Eliot holding him close. Quentin was warm and soft and being held by him was- It felt right.

Eliot tightened his hold, his fingers clawing at Q’s back, gripping his shirt.

“It’s okay.”; Q whispered. His words shouldn’t be as comforting as they were, especially since Q had no idea what it was, that upset Eliot.

“I- fuck.”, Eliot whispered, placing his head on Q’s shoulder.

“What happened?”, Q hummed.

ELiot swallowed, as he realised how close they were for a moment.This was something he’d wanted for a long time and now, he couldn’t enjoy it.

“They won’t come.”

Q nodded. He understood. of course he did.

“Screw them.”

Eliot laughed and only now, he realised that he’d cried. Carefully, he pulled away from Q even though his body was immediately missing the warmth of the other boy's body, “I don’t want to care. But I do.”

“That sucks.”

“It’s- fuck- “, Eliot whispered, “I’m such an idiot for caring- For thinking.”

“You aren’t.”, Q said, “You're not the one in the wrong here. They should care. It’s their job to care about you. You aren’t the failure here.”

Eliot swallowed and nodded.

“Now come inside.”, Q took a step back and smiled.

Eliot walked past him and pulled the door shut. He enjoyed the warmth even though he could still feel the heat of Q’s touch linger against his body.

“Thank you.”

Q shrugged and led Eliot upstairs, they moved silently until Q closed the door.

"How long do you want to stay?", Q asked as Eliot sat down on the bed.

"I don't know.", Eliot shrugged, "An hour."

"Okay."

"Are you cool with that?"

Q grimaced, "Yeah."

"What was that?", Eliot asked, imitating Q's grimace, as good as he could.

"Nothing."

Eliot raised a brow.

"I was just kidding.", Q smiled, "I'm a bit tired but talking to you is more fun than sleep anyway."

Eliot laughed and then replied dryly, "I mean, I certainly hope so."

Q smirked, "Yeah, I guess that's a non compliment in a way. But it's way, way, way more exciting than sleep, if that helps."

"A little."

Q smiled and Eliot could tell that there was a question he really wanted to ask. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "Shoot."

"That obvious? Am I that easy to read?"

"For me? Yes."

Quentin smiled and looked at his hands, "There's something, I've been- I wanted to say for a long time."

"Okay?"

Q looked at Eliot and then his features shifted. He looked scared, "I-I- You- I'm glad we are friends.", Q pressed the words out and then looked disappointed.

"I think you already told me."

Q swallowed and then nodded, “Yeah, yeah. I guess, you could say that.”, he smirked at Eliot but there was some sadness to it.

There was something more there. Something Eliot couldn’t name or explain. He wondered if he should ask Q about it but figured that it might make things even worse for him.

“Me too.”, Eliot said after a few moments.

Q just nodded and they looked at each other for a bit. Eliot was tired. He’d love to sleep at Q’s place. To have that sleepover he’d thought about so much. He might end up watching Q the whole night instead of actually sleeping but still. It was tempting.

“I’d really like to visit you at your place one day.”

Eliot sighed, “I, uhm, we’ve been through this, Q.”

“I know. But I feel like it would help me understand you more?”

“I think you are already doing good in that department.”, Eliot said softly and looked at his hands, “Besides, there’s nothing in this place that’s a part of me.”

Q nodded, “That sounds-”, Q stopped, “It sounds like you.”

“It does?”

“Yeah, I mean, I guess you are just- Independent like this.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

Quentin smirked and leaned back against his bed post, “Can you describe it to me.”

“Describe what?”

“Your home.”

Eliot grimaced, “Let’s call it the place I live in.”

“Fine.”, Q leaned back and closed his eyes, smiling at El, “Then tell what the place you live in is like.”

Eliot couldn’t help but smile at him, “Fine. It’s, I don’t know- Picture an Indiana soy farm and you got it, I guess.”

“All complete with a red barn?”

“Yeah.”, Eliot smiled, “It’s actually- I, uhm, I have this- My room is upstairs in the farm house and the barn is next to my window. Sometimes, I climb on top of it and just lay there.”

“Lay there?”

Eliot shrugged, “And look in the stars.”, he sighed, “It’s actually super nice. I read part of the first Fillory book there.”

“Was that where you wrote that note?”

“Yeah.”, Eliot nodded, “Exactly.”

“I’m still super impressed you caught that. I’ve reread Fillory once or twice since then and I always wondered how I could miss it.”

Eliot shrugged and looked at his hands, as he wrung them nervously, “I doN’t know, I think, it was easy to relate to him.”

“You’re in love?”

“Not back then.”, he shrugged and looked at Q, he’d opened his eyes by now.

Q looked at Eliot with curiosity and something else in his eyes, “Oh. You are in love now.”

Eliot shrugged, “A little.”, it was underselling it but whatever. He wasn’t gonna give Q more for now, so he swallowed, “What about you?”

“A little.”, Q grimaced.

“New topic?”

“Please.”

Eliot looked at him and then put a finger against his lips, as he pondered over what to say, “I kinda- I kinda hope we have a big opening night. You know, sold out, all that shit.”

“Me too.”

“I can’t imagine what it will be like.”

“Me neither.”

“I’d be so nervous.”, Q grimaced, “Standing on the stage in front of so many people.”

“I mean, you will be standing up there.”, Eliot nudged him in the side, “And get your damn applause because you deserve it.”

“Don’t remind me. But I mean as an actor. When you have to actually perform in front of people, you know?”

“I mean- I’ve never done this but I don’t believe it will affect me.”

Q tilted his head, “Me neither. I think you are tough enough.”

“I don’t think this is related to being tough.”

“Confident enough?”

“More like it.”, Eliot said with a soft smile.

“I wish, I had your confidence.”

Eliot shook his head, “I believe, you do.”

Quentin shook his head, “I really don’t.”

“Please don#t argue over this now.”, Eliot groaned and leaned back against the wall, “I think that- Just take my word, okay?”

“Fine. I’m confident.”, Q said and then broke out into laughter a few moments later. He quickly covered his mouth.

Eliot nudged him in the side again, "Dork."

"Sorry, but-"

"But?"

"Nevermind."

Eliot had to smile for some reason and then he looked at Q. His friend was tired but happy.

Speaking off. "I should head home. You made me laugh and that was what I needed but you are tired and deserve some sleep."

"Don't worry about me."

"I'm not- Well, I am but I'm fine. I mean it."

Q sighed, "Good."

Eliot stood up from the bed and Q followed him, handing him one of Julia's cookies. She was getting better, Eliot had to admit that much.

"Thanks."

"It's cold."

Eliot laughed, "No shit."

"Be careful. If you have no voice when we premiere-"

"I know."

Q smirked, "Besides: I like your dumb ass. So I care."

"You like my ass?"

Q stared at him with wide eyes, "I didn't say that and I didn't m-"

"Relax. I know what you mean.", Eliot amiled and felt bad for teasing Q.

Q looked at him with a weird expression on his face and then nodded.

The two of them snuck downstairs and Q opened the door to let Eliot out. It was, indeed, cold. Eliot enjoyed it though. It helped against his tiredness and stopped him from falling asleep in the saddle.

Eliot swallowed as he looked around and at Q's house. His friend was standing at his window and waved down.

Eliot smiled and waved back.

Eliot was late for the rehearsal the next monday. He'd have to stay and help clean up the english classroom. He'd already told Q to go ahead and prepare with Maisie, Vince and the others.

Q had agreed although he'd made it obvious that he wasn't a fan of the idea. It was moving how much Q always wanted to help, when he had the chance but they were so close to opening night and they needed as much time for their rehearsals and preparation, as they could get.

Besides, cleaning the room didn't take long. Eliot just had to go through it once with the broom and that had been it.

He wasn't even that late. Just ten minutes or so.

"I don't want any trouble."

"Aw. He doesn't want any trouble.', Kevin giggled, "So cute."

Eliot shook his head, "I just need to get to our rehearsal."

_ Don't hurt them. _

"Oh with that other gay loser friend of yours.", Martin sneered.

_ Screw it. _

Eliot walked up to Martin and punched him and just in time with his punch, he thought about Martin being slammed into his locker. He channeled all of his anger and fear and rage into it.

_ Pow! _

Martin was actually pressed against the metal, even though Eliot had barely touched him.

"Leave me alone. Leave Quentin alone and leave Vince alone.", Eliot wasn't sure, if these two were jerks to Vince as well but he added him for good measure. He seemed to be their kind of prey.

"What the fu-", Kevin jerked forward but Eliot wouldn't let him. He pressed his free hand against the boys chest and thought one thought.

_ Stay. _

And stay he did.

It was so easy. Eliot felt in control, powerful and for the first time in his life, he felt truly balanced. He had no idea what he was doing and at the same time, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Eliot gave both of them a shove for good measure. Just sith hi Hands. Not with- whatever his powers were.

Then he turned around and walked where he needed to be. The theater. Eliot wasn't scared about Martin and Kevin following him. He knew they wouldn't. Knew that they couldn't.

_ Stay. _

_ Stay. The both of you. _

_ Stay. _

It was as easy as breathing. It was like swimming or riding a bike, once you got a hold of it, it was working without having to focus on it.

And then, once he was far enough away from the bullies m, Eliot took the focus out of his thoughts. He took his emotions back.

He could feel whatever control he's had over the bodies of Martin and Kevin lessen more and more.

"Fuck.", Eliot whispered to himself.

He was tired but happy. So, so happy.

The premiere was soon and he was some kind of superhero.

When he arrived at the theater, he was completely  exhausted . He couldn't show it though. He had no intentions to explain what just happened to anyone. Maybe, he'd tell Q eventually. He just hoped that what just happened didn't seem too out of the ordinary for Martin and kevin. That being said, even if they did suspect that something was weird with Eliot no one would believe what had just happened. Eliot wasn't believing it himself. 

When he opened the door of the theater everyone inside was busy preparing the stage. It was like watching a beehive. A wonderful bee hive filled with peopöe he loved or at least liked.

"I am here.", Eliot announced the way, a king would announce his presence to peasants.

He got the expected groan in return.

"Get your sorry ass over here.", Maisie said as eloquent as ever. Eliot was really warming up to her.

"Sorry.', Eliot nodded towards Q, even though Qunetin knew the reason he'd been late. Welln part of the reason.

"Just make yourself useful."

"I'm always usefuö."

Q snorted and Eliot felt his mouth twist into a fond smile, "You laugh, but I'm carrying this production."

Maisei chuckled and flipped him off. Vince just snorted.

Eliot liked the teasong they had settled in. They'd learned theri do's and don't and navigate easily in an area that was safe and didn't harm or hurt the others.

It was the vervak equivalent to sparring but with sharp weapons.

They still had to be careful not to harm each other too much. Maybe one day, they’d overstep a border and hurt someone. THen Eliot only hoped that their friendship was strong enough to handle it.

After Eliot changed into costume, he came back on stage where the others were waiting for him. It was the first time he’d tried on that particular costume. It was a perfectly well tailored brocade. Silver and white. It fit Eliot in all the right places, which was rarely the case with anything he wore. Usually Eliot’s legs were too long or he was too skinny but this one fit like a second skin.

Eliot felt confident. 

Eliot felt right.

And he couldn’t wait for the others to see. This was him. And he’d be able to show his look to all of the school. 

“How do I look?”,he asked and the others looked up.

Maisie let out a silent whistle, “Kingly, I guess.”, she smirked and gave him a kind nod.

“Wow.”, Q said and his face turned as hard as stone. Somehow there was a weird expression on his face. Like his mouth was doing something different than his eyes.

“You look good.”, Vince said and smirked at him with a kind twinkle in his eyes.

“Thanks.”, Eliot grinned.

Q nodded and quickly looked away.

“So can we start?”, Luke asked. The plan was to go through the whole play this afternoon. It would be some work. A lot of work.

But Eliot was tired after what had happened in the hallway. 

It felt as if he was just being carried by his confidence of the clothing and the fight in the hallway.

It felt like something inside of him was wearing thin. He thought about the hallway and swallowed. He stared at one of the backgrounds and focused on lifting it. It flew. Just the slightest bit. Hovering above the ground. Noone noticed and it was back down on the stage before anyone had noticed it.

I̴t̵ ̸w̸a̴s̸ ̶a̷ ̷s̵u̶n̴n̶y̸ ̶d̵a̵y̷ ̶s̵o̷m̸e̶w̵h̶e̵r̶e̵ ̴i̵n̵ ̵a̴ ̶l̷u̵s̷h̶ ̶g̸r̴e̸e̵n̶ ̷l̷a̸n̵d̸.̷ ̷E̵l̷i̶o̸t̵ ̴w̵a̶s̷ ̴k̶n̴e̷e̶l̸i̴n̸g̸ ̸o̴n̴ ̶t̸h̵e̴ ̷g̶r̷o̴u̵n̸d̷ ̶i̵n̸ ̵f̵r̸o̵n̷t̴ ̵o̷f̷ ̸a̶ ̶b̴u̵n̷c̷h̷ ̸o̴f̷ ̶f̸l̷o̷w̷e̷r̷s̸.̶ ̶

̵H̶e̸ ̸l̷o̴v̶e̷s̴ ̸m̷e̷.̷ ̸H̵e̶ ̵l̸o̴v̸e̷s̶ ̵m̶e̸ ̷n̷o̵t̴.̸ ̶H̷e̴ ̸l̸o̶v̸e̶s̷ ̸m̸e̵.̵

̵~̷~̸

̸E̴l̵i̷o̵t̶ ̷t̸h̵r̸e̸w̴ ̸t̷h̸e̴ ̸g̸l̴o̷b̴e̷.̵ ̴H̵e̴ ̸h̸a̵d̶ ̴n̵o̷ ̴i̵d̶e̵a̷ ̵w̸h̸y̴ ̸h̷e̴ ̷d̴i̴d̶ ̸i̷t̸ ̴a̸n̸d̷ ̷w̷h̶a̷t̷ ̷k̷i̴n̵d̸ ̸o̶f̵ ̵g̵l̶o̵b̴e̵ ̶i̵t̴ ̵w̶a̸s̷ ̶b̴u̸t̶ ̵h̵e̸ ̴k̸n̶e̴w̵ ̸t̵h̸a̶t̸ ̷t̶h̸r̴o̷w̶i̷n̸g̸ ̵i̴t̴ ̶w̴a̷s̶ ̵i̸m̴p̸o̸r̸t̵a̶n̸t̴.̶ ̷T̵h̴e̵ ̷a̸n̶g̶r̸y̷ ̵t̷i̷n̵y̶ ̴g̴i̵r̵l̶ ̵w̸a̷n̵t̸e̷d̸ ̴h̴i̸m̷ ̷t̷o̵.̸ ̸M̶a̷r̴g̴o̵.̸

̶Q̴ ̵w̶a̴s̵ ̷t̵h̵e̷r̴e̶ ̷t̴o̷o̴.̸ ̸E̵l̴i̷o̴t̸ ̶a̶d̷j̵u̴s̴t̸e̴d̸ ̷h̷i̴s̶ ̴s̷u̷n̸g̸l̸a̶s̴s̸e̶s̶.̸

̸~̶~̸

̷T̴h̶e̸ ̴m̸e̸n̷ ̶f̶e̴l̶l̵.̸ ̷A̵n̴d̶ ̴E̵l̸i̵o̶t̴ ̷s̴t̴a̴r̸t̷e̵d̸ ̵c̶r̷y̶i̴n̴g̴.̸ ̴H̸e̵ ̴c̵o̵u̶l̷d̷ ̷s̵t̶i̷l̸l̴ ̸f̸e̶e̸l̷ ̸t̵h̵e̴ ̷p̷o̸w̶e̸r̷ ̴s̸u̸r̵g̷i̵n̷g̷ ̸t̴h̵r̸o̸u̵g̵h̴ ̵h̴i̴m̴,̸ ̴a̴s̶ ̸h̸e̴ ̷p̶u̵t̴ ̴d̷o̶w̶n̵ ̶h̷i̴s̵ ̶h̶a̸n̴d̸s̶.̶ ̴R̶e̸d̶ ̷l̶i̴g̸h̷t̷i̵n̵g̸ ̸b̷o̴l̸t̵s̵ ̴w̵e̸r̷e̵ ̵s̴t̴i̸l̴l̴ ̷d̸a̶n̴c̵i̷n̵g̴ ̸o̴v̴e̵r̵ ̶h̶i̸s̶ ̷s̴k̷i̷n̵.̶

̴~̷~̷

̴E̸l̶i̷o̴t̷ ̶l̶o̴o̷k̸e̸d̷ ̵u̷p̸ ̸a̴t̵ ̸t̵h̵e̵ ̷m̸o̶o̵n̵.̸ ̸I̵t̸ ̷w̷a̴s̶ ̵b̴r̷o̷k̸e̴n̴.̴ ̴L̴i̵k̴e̵ ̶i̷n̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶u̸m̶b̶ ̸d̵o̶o̷m̶s̶d̵a̸y̷ ̸m̷o̶v̵i̸e̸.̷ ̴H̶e̵'̶d̷ ̵d̴o̴n̷e̵ ̸t̵h̵i̸s̶.̶ ̶T̶h̵e̵ ̷m̵a̸g̷i̸c̷ ̴w̸a̵s̴ ̴s̶t̶i̵l̴l̷ ̷s̵u̴r̶g̶i̶n̵g̷ ̸t̵h̴r̷o̴u̷g̸h̸ ̸h̴i̶s̸ ̸b̵o̸d̶y̴.̸ ̵H̷e̸'̷d̵ ̶n̴e̶v̶e̴r̴ ̷f̷e̶l̷t̶ ̷s̷o̷ ̶p̸o̸w̶e̵r̴f̶u̷l̷.̴ ̵

“Eliot?!”, Q was kneeling over him. 

“Huh?”

“You just passed out.”, Quentin ran a hand over Eliot’s forehead. It was sweaty and wet. He was shaking and shivering.

Eliot could feel the blood running down his nose, hot and wet and coppery. He must have gotten some drops of blood on his brocade. He’d screwed up their rehearsal. Fuck. 

“What-?”

“Maisie is getting the nurse.”, Q said softly. Only now did Eliot see Vince stand behind him, looking concerned. Luke wordlessly handed Q a wet cloth. Quentin gently washed the blood away. The cloth was warm and soft. 

“Thanks.”

“Sorry, for screwing this up.”, Eliot said weakly. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep again. Sleep for years and years.

“It’s fine.”, Luke said to Eliot’s surprise and looked at Q, “We can find another day to practice, right?”

Q appeared to be as surprised, as Eliot was but he nodded, “Yeah. Of course, we still have some time. We just have to make sure that you are okay. That’s the most important thing, El.”

“It’s fine.”

“You don’t look like it.”, Vince said.

Eliot shook his head and groaned, “Let’s not-”, he paused, “How long was I out?”

“Two minutes maybe?”, Q mumbled. His thumb was softly stroking over Eliot’s cheek and it was doing things to him.

He had to stop this.

“I’m fine.”, Eliot jerked away.

"El.", Q started.

"I'm fine.", Eliot stood up and immediately had to support himself. He was feeling so dizzy.

"The hell you are."

Eliot looked at Q. His outburst wasn't like him and he sighed, "Maybe not fine enough to act but I don't need the nurse."

"Well, Mais is already on the way.", Luke said and Eliot was a little hung up on the nickname for a moment.

"Doesn't mean, I need the nurse."

Q sighed, "Fine. Let her check you over anyway. This isn't the first time this happened."

"I know the reason. And it's nothing big."

This was a lie but Eliot didn't feel bad for it no one would believe the truth. Okay, maybe Q would believe the truth because he had always believed in magic- At least to some degree.

"It's a long story.", Eliot said and spoke a little quieter to Q "Maybe I'll tell you one day, okay?"

"Fine.",Q relaxed a little.

Eliot sighed and then ran a hand over his face. The blood had started drying at the ages but his hand still came back red, "Ugh. The costume."

"Should work if we wash it.", Vince mumbled and Eliot wondered where the boys knowledge of blood stains came from. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be worried about Vince or himself.

"Okay.", Q said.

He was probably thinking the same, "Anyway, this will be okay.", he gestured vaguely.

"Yeah.", Luke crossed his arms.

Eliot smiled weakly at them. Yes. They were friends.

At that moment, the door opened and Maisie rushed in. She was out of breath and her hair was sticking to her forehead with sweat. She couldn't hide the worry in her eyes fast enough when she spotted Eliot.

Friends.


	21. oh,what a night

Suddenly, it was the night of the premiere. Eliot was waiting for Q, his parents and Julia to arrive in front of their school. He was nervous but also so damn happy and excited. He watched people arrive one after the other. Some he knew, some he didn’t.

“Hey, loser.”, a familiar voice chipped from behind Eliot.

He turned around and smiled at Maisie, “Hey there.”

She smiled and sat down next to him, “What are you doing out here?”

“Waiting for Q.”, Eliot shrugged and pulled his knees to his chest, “He should be here any moment now, I guess.”

“Of course. I could have known.”, she said and reached for her dress, fidgeting with it. Eliot looked at her and raised a brow, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you are nervous.”

“I am.”

“Really?”, Eliot wasn’t surprised that Maisie was nervous, even though she was an experienced actress. Eliot was more surprised that Maisie would just admit that she had the nerves.

“Yeah.”, Maisie sighed, “I’m always nervous before a show. I guess it’s kinda- I guess it’s good. It means that I care about the play. That I still care about theater. About the art and therefore I guess it’s mainly a good thing.”

Eliot nodded, “I get it. So it won’t get easier with more experience?”

“I mean maybe it’s different for you.”

“i hope so.”

Maisie smirked, “I think tonight will be amazing. You are a good actor and Q is a good writer and director.”

“I wish, he’d believe that himself.”

Maisie raised a brow and nudged Eliot in the side, “Start by believing that you are a good actor and then demand the same from Q.”

“Excuse me? I’m the best and I know that.”

She sighed, “Fake arrogance isn’t the same as actual confidence. I had to explain that to Luke too. I thought you weren’t this dense.”

Eliot laughed at that and shook his head, “Somehow I struggle to believe that Luke’s arrogance is fake.”

“Believe me. it is.”, Maisie groaned, “He’s so insecure.”

Eliot snorted, “He’s probably very happy that you just told me.”

“Eh, he’ll handle it.”

Eliot watched a few guests arrive, before he asked, “What is it with you two anyway? YOu like him, don’t you?”

“I like a lot of people.”, Maisie said, her tone was confident but she wasn’t meeting Eliot’s eyes, “Doesn’t mean anything. I like you and it doesn’t mean I want to make out with you.”

Eliot groaned, “Come on. You like- like Luke.”

“Maybe.”, she moaned, “But he’s- I don’t know.”

“Ah that makes sense.”

“Jerk.”, she used her tiny fist to punch him in the side.

“I’m just spilling the truth.”, Eliot shrugged and raised his hands in surrender, “Not my fault that you are falling for someone like him.”

“Ha Ha.”, she said dryly, “What is it with you and Quentin then?”

“I uhm, I what, I uhm.”, Eliot stuttered and looked at Maisie with wide eyes, “I’m not- Why, uhm, why would I-”

Her lips quirked a little and then she placed a hand on Eliot’s, “Listen, I, uhm, it’s not an issue but I think, it’s obvious that you- uhm- are gay.”

Eliot swallowed, “Maisie, I’m not-”

“I don’t mean to- I won’t tell anyone or talk to anyone about it. I’m just- I think Q likes you back.”

“We are friends.”

“Obviously.”, Maisie said dryly, “But you are- I think he likes you as more than friends.”

“Really?”, Eliot asked and he hated himself for basically confirming her suspicion. He trusted her though. He really trusted her.

“Yeah, I think, he-”, she paused when a car pulled up in front of them and Q and Julia jumped out, “Hey, guys.”

“Hey.”, Eliot replied a little too quickly.

“We were just talking about you.”, Maisie said and Eliot had to keep himself from punching her, “You must be Julia.”

“Yeah. Maisie?”

Maisie nodded and Eliot remembered them telling Julia about Maisie when she had been over to visit.

Julia smiled and stretched out her hand, Maisie smirked and let her shake it.

"Aren't your parents gonna watch the show?"

"They are just searching for a parking spot.", Q gestured around.

"You guys nervous?", Julia asked, watxhibg them closely.

"Yeah.", Maisie said, "El and I just talked about it. But it will work out. We are all fucking good and gonna rock this."

"Hear hear.", Julia grinned.

"Where are Vince and the other actors?", Q asked.

Eliot frowned. Good question.

"Inside for some time now.", Maisie said, "Vince is always backstage for like two hours before a show starts. He makes me nervous, so I always leave him there."

"Sounds good."

Q looked at his watch, "We, uhm, should get inside though."

"Already?"

"He's right.", Maisie sighed. 

Q nodded but then he looked at Eliot for a moment. Julia nudged him in the side but Quentin quickly shook his head.

Whatever was going on there, it was somehow related to Eliot.

"What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing.", Q said quickly, "Come on, El.". He grabbed Eliot by the arm and pulled him towards the school building.

Eliot turned around and saw Maisie and Julia whisper about something, both of them looking excited.

A few minutes later Maisie, Q and Eliot walked in the backstage area. Julia had to leave them, so that she could find a nice seat. 

Backstage the air was practically filled with tension. Everyone was running around doing- something. For a moment, the three of them were just taking it all in, then Maisie sighed and grabbed Eliot by the sleeve, “We need to get our makeup done.”

“Right.”, Eliot nodded. He was actually looking forward to it. They’d been supposed to practice with make up before but there had been time issues and the students who volunteered as make up artists couldn’t come at the scheduled time so this was the first time Eliot was being real professional- well, semi professional makeup done by someone else.

When Eliot sat down in the chairs, he could feel Maisie’s eyes from where she was sitting next to him.

“What?”

“Nothing.”, she said and then she sighed, “I was thinking about-”

“Mais!”

“What we discussed outside.”, her head moved the slightest bit towards the girl doing her makeup and she smirked, “I’m not talking about it openly here. Don’t worry.”

She was already saying too much for Eliot’s taste but he wasn’t gonna dig into anything that was related to his feelings for Q right now.   
Or here.

What Maisie had just said was already too much.

“Don’t mention it again, okay? Don’t even allude to it.”

She sighed but then made a sound that was completely unidentifiable but Eliot interpreted as agreement.

Eliot leaned back and closed his eyes, it felt good to have someone take care of him like this.Suddenly, he felt someone take hold of his hand. He blinked and saw that Maisie had reached out.

“Maybe you should try.”, she said and gave him a squeeze.

Eliot swallowed and ignored her comment, closing his eyes again. He kept the grip on her hand though. It felt nice and he wouldn’t mind if people thought that there was something going on between her and him. It would help with the other rumors.

When they were done, they put on their costumes. Eliot had to admit that Maisie’s were by far the prettiest. Eliot liked his brocade and both the early 20th century fashion and the kingly robes of Fillory Rupert wore but there was something about Jane’s costumes.

It was obvious that the designers had much more fun creating women’s costumes than they had with costumes for the male actors.

“You look good.”, Maisie said, as if she could read Eliot’s thoughts.

“So do you.”

She twirled, “It’s alright. I’m usually not a fan of dresses but I like these.”

“You look like a real queen.”

“Well, I am.”

Eliot smirked, “Preach it, sister.”

“Hey.”, Vince walked up towards them. He’d already been in costume and make up when Maisie and Eliot arrived backstage. Apparently he liked being ready as early as possible. 

“Hey.”, both Eliot and Maisie said in unison. She smiled at him, “Where’s Luke?”

“His make up is done. He’s reading the script somewhere over there.”, Vince waved vaguely towards a few doors.

“As long, as he’s done when we start.”, Q appeared from behind a curtain. He’d been talking to some members of the lighting and props crew.

“I’ll kick his ass, if he isn’t.”, Maisie groaned.

“Me too.”, Vince mumbled.

Eliot raised a hand, “Me three.”

“Me four.”, Q joined with a defeated laugh and then his hands went back to gripping the clipboard he was holding tightly.

Eliot hoped that he wasn’t too stressed tonight. It couldn’t be good for his mental health and Q didn’t deserve a mental episode on the night his play premiered.

Eliot lowered his voice a little and walked up to Q, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure?”

“I’m just a little-”, he sighed, “There’s a lot going on.”

“More than the play?”, Eliot asked. What if he’d be hospitalised again?

Q shrugged, “I mean, it’s related. But just vaguely.”

“Okay?”

Quentin shook his head, "There is no- I'll tell you later. Maybe."

Eliot nodded, "Thanks."

Q looked at El with a curious face, "between zero and ten. How nervous are you right now?"

"Eleven."

"Fuck.", Q squinted, "are you okay?"

"I believe that it will get better once I'm actually out there.", Eliot mumbled, "At least I hope so. Either way, it will certainly get better once I'm done. Once the play is done."

Q nodded.

Eliot sighed, "I'm also kinda sad though. We'll just- We'll be done with the play in two weeks. No more practices and no more shows. For this school year."

"As I said, we'll see if the play gets picked up next year."

"I hope so."

"Yeah. You, Maisie, Vince and me. And some new actors."

"New people.", Eliot muttered.

"We need new characters.", Quentin sighed, "It will be fun."

"I don't know."

"You hated Maisie ib the beginning and just a few moments ago, I saw you holding hands.", Q's voice sounded weird as he said that.

"That was-"

"I don't care."

"Q. I don't like Maisie. Not like a girlfriend."

Quentin shrugged, "It doesn’t matter."

"She was just comforting me.", Eliot said quickly, "I was scared and she wanted to help."

"I believe you.", Q said but he sounded sour.

"Why are you pissed? Do you like her? I thought you didn't. I didn't mean to make you jealous."

Q shook his head, "I'm not."

"You are angry."

"But not jealous.", Q said with some obvious heat to it.

Eliot nodded, “Okay, angry not jealous. But why?”

Q shook his head, “You guys need to get on stage in two minutes.”

“Q.”, Eliot said, “Q talk to me.”

“Stage.”, Q said and pointed towards Maisie and Vince. Some backstage workers were hurrying past them, getting missing props on stage. Eliot wanted to say something. He wanted to know why Q was so odd but his friend was right. There was no time for that. Not now.

He grabbed hi s walking cane and looked at him, “This is it.”

“Yeah.”, Q sounded like his usual self at this moment, “You’ll rock this. Good luck.”

Eliot smiled and then he walked over towards Maisie and Vince, “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

They came running on stage. Excited at being invited into Plover’s house for the very first time. Martin was holding Jane’s hand and Rupert was running ahead.

In that moment, before Maisie and Vince walked on stage, all eyes were on Eliot. Hundred of eyes.

And to his own surprise, Eliot thrived from it. He knew it from the very first moment. He knew it before he spoke his first line. This was what it felt like to be doing what made you happy.

_ “Rupert! Rupert wait!”, Martin yelled but he was laughing. _

_ It was obvious that the two younger siblings were letting Rupert win this race or whatever it was. There was no way, he’d be able to outrun them with his bad leg but Rupert was thankful for that. Eliot remembered that, when he smiled fondly at the two of them.  _

_ “Okay, fine. But I don’t want us to be late. Mr. Plover has been kind enough to invite us over.” _

_ “I know.”, Jane said, “But someone-”, she looked at Martin, “Had to sleep in.” _

_ “I forgot the time.” _

_ “You read all night.”, Rupert said fondly and Eliot remembered the night he read the first Fillory book. For a moment he remembered that Q was somewhere behind the curtain. _

_ “I don’t see what’s wrong with that.” _

_ Rupert grinned slyly and then turned towards the house.  _

_ It was painted on the current background. A big Victorian house with a large and extravagant garden that stretched for as long as the eye could see. _

_ “It looks nice.”, Jane commented and let go of Martin’s hand as she caught up with Eliot. _

_ “It does.” _

_ Rupert sighed and turned to look at his siblings, “Remember to be nice to Mr. Plover and always thank him.” _

_ “We know.” _

_ “Well, I know, that you don’t have any manners.”, Rupert said with a teasing grin. There was a soft chuckle coming from the audience and Eliot had to smile at that but he suppressed it quickly. _

_ Jane gave him a look and just like during the rehearsals it was one of the funniest things ever, seeing Maisie do it. She scrunched her face in the funniest way for a moment, before going back to Jane’s chipper voice, “Funny.” _

_ Rupert smiled and then he saw something. Martin’s tie wasn’t tied correctly. He sighed and walked over, fixing it. _

_ Eliot actually had to learn tying a tie for that scene. It was actually a good thing. He liked ties and the earlier he learnt how to handle them, the better. _

_ “Who did this?” _

_ “Me.”, Martin said. _

_ Rupert shook his head, “Let me do it the next time. You can’t do it yourself. Not yet anyway.” _

_ This scene was actually important. It introduced Rupert’s Dad-role and also showed some of the tension between the siblings. While it made sense for Rupert to pick up the role, Jane and Martin weren’t the biggest fans of it. They considered themselves more mature than they were while Rupert considered them to be less mature than they were in reality. They were bound to clash eventually. _

_ “I can do it.” _

_ “obviously not.” _

_ Jane looked between them.Worry on her face. _

_ “Just show him, Rups.” _

_ “Maybe. When I have time.”, Rupert ran a hand down his face and Eliot had to be careful that he wasn’t destroying his make up. _

_ Martin said nothing but glared at him. _

_ “Come on, now.”, Jane mumbled. _

_ But they weren't fully done with their argument. Martin and Jane had a scene, where they stage whispered while Rupert was walking ahead with his clutch. _

_ "He doesn't mean it." _

_ "He's been worse since he returned from war.", Martin said giving the audience some information on the background of Eliot's character and an explanation for his injury. _

_ Jane nodded, "It's not his fault. He saw terrible things, I bet." _

_ "It doesn't allow him to be a jerk and treat me like a child." _

_ "He treats you the same as he treats me.", Jane said. _

_ "Then he treats you like a child too.", Martin said tensely. _

_ "Martin." _

_ "You can't tell me, you aren't sick of it all." _

_ Jane shook her head, "He has to be like that." _

_ "He doesn't have to be anything." _

_ "Guys.", Rupert said, "Are you coming. Mr. Plover invited us. Being late would be very impolite." _

_ "Coming.", Jane said and looked at the younger one of her brothers, "Behave." _

_ Martin groaned but nodded. _

_ "I know that you were talking about me.", Rupert said, as they caught up with him. _

_ "All polite things.", Jane said with a light tone to her voice. _

_ "Sure.", Rupert said dryly. He used the time to fix his own tie. Not that it was askew but Eliot had put the gesture in there as a nervous habit. _

_ He'd liked forming Rupert this way. Giving him little quirks and gestures. _

_ "Sorry, Rups.", Martin said eventually and without Jane pushing him. _

When they left the stage in the break, Eliot felt as if he was electrified. He was shaking with excitement and adrenaline.

“Fuck.”, Maisie said, once her mic had been removed and turned off. Luckily, so was El’s and Vince’s or this would have been very awkward.

“Yes.”, Eliot smiled at her.

“This was so good.”, Maisie jumped up and down her shoes clacking on the floor, “Like soooo good.”

“Soooo good.”, Eliot imitated and dodged Maisie’s jab, “I agree with you though. We rock.”

“We did.”, Maisie said and nudged Vince in his side, “What did you think? I know you can speak.”

Vince rolled his eyes, “We did well.”, a smile crept onto his face.

“You were amazing.”, a voice came from behind them. Eliot turned around and saw Q walking up towards them, “Better than in any rehearsal.”

Maisie bowed down and smiled at him, “Thanks.”

Vince gave Q a smile and then fidgeted with his costume, “I’m gonna get changed and then take a small time out.”

“You deserve it.”, Q gave him a soft pat on the back. 

Maisie sighed, “Speaking of costume changes.”, she gave both El and Q a nudge and then walked off towards the ladies room.

Eliot looked at Q, “Are you really happy with us.”

“Very much so.”

“Good.”, Eliot said, putting his hands on his hips. He liked feeling confident and he liked the applause of the people but most of all he was happy about getting Q’s approval, about making Q happy.

Q sat down on a crate and watched the kids pushing props off the stage, “You didn’t look nervous out there. Not the slightest bit.”

“I wasn’t. It was all- somehow it was all very easy. I don’t know, I wasn’t nervous out there. Actually it was the opposite.”

Q shook his head, “I can’t really imagine it. You might as well tell me, you’ve seen a leprechaun out there.”

Eliot laughed, “Maybe I did.”

“Sounds legit.”

There was a moment in which Eliot wondered if he should try to probe Q about their talk earlier but they were getting along so well right now and Q was stressed enough as it was.

Quentin sighed and looked at his feet and Eliot was sure that he was thinking the same at this moment.

“Luke did well too.”, Eliot said quickly because he was a coward.

Q smiled at him, thankful for the chance to avoid talking about their feelings, “Yeah, he did. Where is he anyway?”

Eliot shrugged, “He won’t be needed until the very end of the play- but you know that.”

“Yeah.”

“I think he's probably somewhere in the dressing room with his phone.”

Q sighed, “That sounds like it.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you have to get changed too?”, Q asked and it wasn’t a question. He’d written the play. He knew that Eliot had to be dressed in his Fillorian  clothes .

“I still have time.”

Q looked at his watch and frowned, “Well, that’s up to interpretation.”

Eliot sighed and jumped down from the crate, “Fine.”

“Oh you read the subtle social queue.”

“You are as subtle as an elephant in a ballet school.”

Q grinned at the comparison and then shushed him, “Get dressed. Now.”

After he was in his new costume, Eliot met up with Maisie and Vince. Q was somewhere else, doing whatever he was doing.

Vince looked at his phone and smiled at something and it immediately caught Maisie’s attention.

“What are you doing?”

“Stop being nosy.”, he said, unusually harsh.

Maisie raised her hands in defeat and turned towards Eliot. She knew Vince well enough to back off, “I was just curious.”

“None of your business.”

“Is it my business?”, Eliot teased and it reminded him of the one time he’d poked a snake with a stick as a child.

“No.”, Vince hissed.

Eliot turned towards Maisie and grimaced.

She grimaced back and Eliot had to suppress a chuckle, “Tell whoever it is, that you need to be on stage soon.”

Vince flipped them off which was a very unexpected gesture coming from him. Somehow, Eliot felt like it should make it more threatening when in reality it was the exact opposite. It was impossible to see him as any sort of threat that way.

"Whatever.", Maisie said cheerfully. Behind the curtain, they could hear people coming back inside the theater. Eliot put on his microphone but left it turned off. Maisie did the same. Vince waites until he'd finished his text.

"So, I think we should celebrate after this.", Maisie said.

"After?", Vince asked.

"The show. Obviously."

Eliot nodded, "Yeah. After this show and after the last show for the season."

"Exactly.", Maisie nodded towards Eliot, "This man understands me."

"Let's hang out a little here when we're done?", Vince asked, "My parents would probably be cool with it."

Maisie nodded, "Mine too."

Eliot sighed, "I think, I'd have head home immediately or I'd get real problems."

"Oh, come on."

"It's not my choice.", Eliot ran a hand through his hair and then quickly checked, if he'd ruined it. Maisie must have sensed his panic because she just shook her head and reached out to help, "But this is special."

"I know. They don't."

Maisie sighed and then looked at Vince, "Just us, Luke and the others then?"

"And Q.", Eliot added 

"As if Q would stay without you.", Vince said and Eliot was completely surprised.

"What?"

"There's no way."

Maisue made a funny face, "Yes, there is. Don't believe that our dear Q would just stay for the party if you aren't there."

Eliot shook his head, "He would."

"No.", Vince said matter of factly, "There's absolutely no way."

"Julia is here.", Eliot tried, it was kinda a lame excuse that completely ignored why that was so surprising to him.

"Still."

Eliot shook his head, "Ask him after the show. You'll see."

After the last line of the night was spoken, the cast bowed on stage. Then each of them got their individual applause. It was like crack. Or at least how Eliot imagined crack to be like.

Then, it was time to call Q on stage. Eliot stepped forward, bowed and then turned towards the hall, turning on his microphone, "I'd like to call the director onstage. Quentin Coldwater, come up here."

Q shook his head from where he was sitting among the audience but Eliot just smiled, "No, no,no. You come up here."

"Quentin!", Julia yelled from where she was sitting next to him. It was obvious that all of this was very uncomfortable for Q.

Eventually, Q gave in and got up from his chair. He walked up the stairs and started to wave at the audience. He was impossibly red. Eliot smiled at him.

The applause lasted for minutes.

After the show was done, all of them went backstage. Eliot pulled Q along even though he protested against it.

"Come on."

"No."

"You can't seriously be against getting your damn earned applause."

Q shook his head, "I am."

"Admit that it was okay."

Q sighed, "It was okay."

"Now admit that it was great."

"Guck you.", then Q smiled. It was cute and private, "It was great, okay?"

"See.", Eliot said softly, "The others want to hang out here for a little longer to celebrate."

"What about you?", Q asked and met Eliot's eyes directly with a gentle smile on his lips.

"You know, I can't."

Quentin swallowed,"Is it because-"

"Yeah."

"Then I don't wanna stay either.", q said without hesitating for a moment.

"Oh.", it was a good thing Eliot hasn't bet on money with the others. He didn't have any money to spare as it was.

Q shrugged,"Can you spare a few moments? Maybe we can just sit somewhere on the bleachers and then go home."

Eliot didn't really have any time to waste for this but it wouldn't be truly waste, if he spent it with Q wouldn't it?

He nodded and then ran a hand through his hair, "Let me get out of my costume and make up real quick, okay?"

"Yeah, uhm, I'll wait here."

Eliot hurried as he undressed and dressed. He'd have to be home soon and he didn't want to spend any time he could be spending with Q by getting changed.

Quentin was waiting outside of the door for him, nervously stepping from one foot on the other.

"Where are Julia and your parents?"

"Home."

"Okay.", Eliot decided not to ask why he'd sent them home.

It was dark and they had nothing to light their way towards the bleachers. They still found them and sat down.

Eliot adjusted his coat and saw Q put on a hat.

"So."

"So."

'How did you like it? The show?"

Q smiled, "It was perfect."

"I know. It's just. you don't act like it."

"Like what?"

"As if you liked it."

Q sighed, he looked straight ahead and not at Eliot. Somewhere in the distance a car drove by. For a moment, the headlights were illuminating the both of them, "There's just a lot going on. There's a lot i'm thinking about and I feel like it's all that I can focus on."

"Share it."

"It's nothing, I can share."

Eliot shrugged, "Try me."

Q shook his head and looked down, "No, no."

"It's just- If it's enough to ruin the premiere for you- I feel like i should know, so that I can help you."

"It didn't ruin the premiere for me. It just- distracted me here and there."

"Still. If something could distract you from  _ Fillory  _ it must be something. Especially when Julia is here.", Eliot said with a soft smile.

"El-"

"Does she know?"

"Yeah.", Q said and he said it in a way that told Eliot that Q was aware of how much it hurt Eliot at this moment.

"Oh."

"It's not that I don't trust you enough."

"It sounds like it."

Q shook his head, "It's not. You are being unfair here."

"I am being unfair?"

"Yeah.", Q said, "You are- you are angry at me without knowing what this is about."

"Well, if I knew i wouldn't be angry. Me not knowing is why the fuck I am angry at you."

"I thought you'd understand that sometimes you keep secrets even from the people you trust."

Eliot sighed and shook his head, “Yeah, I do but I feel like- I feel like you actually want us to have a talk about- whatever.”

Q sighed and nodded, "Do you remember that boy, I told you about? It was me "

“What boy?”  
“The kid from my school. The bi one. That was me. That is me.”


	22. bravery

Eliot stared at Q with wide eyes. He was bi. That meant that he liked boys, that meant that he could theoretically like Eliot. That meant that there was a chance that they could be together, that meant-

Eliot felt his thoughts coming to an abrupt stop. His mind felt blank and overwhelmed at the same time.

“El?”, Q whispered, “Please- Please don’t hate me.”

“How could I ever hate you?”, Eliot said. His voice was flat and it sounded like a robot. He didn’t feel it when he spoke the words. Eliot just heard them and figured that they must have come from him.

“I don’t-”, Quentin whispered.

It would be so easy to help him. He could just say it.

_ I’m gay. _

It would have been so easy. Just speak the words and he’d help his best friend. It could mean the world to Q. It could make Q feel the same way, Eliot was feeling right now. Which was- a good thing?   
Eliot struggled to put a name to it.

“I was scared that Jules would tell you. I mean outing someone else is a shitty thing and I know that she wouldn’t do it. But she could have said something unintentionally. I don’t know.”

Eliot shook his head, “There was nothing to worry about.”

_ I’m gay. _

But Eliot’s mouth wouldn’t open to say the words.

“There’s a lot of people who would-”, Q stopped, “Who would give me shit about this.”

“Not me.”

_ I’m gay. _

This time, Eliot’s mouth opened but no sound came out.

“There’s something else.”, Q was staring in the nothingness, eyes unblinking and hands moving fast while doing nothing.

“What is it?”

“I’m in love with you.”

There was not just one Eliot anymore. There was an Eliot before Q said the words and an Eliot after. 

The Eliot from after Q’s confession was mute. He couldn’t speak. It was funny. This was what before!Eliot had wanted for the past months.

This was better than everything he’d hoped for.

But after!Eliot was a coward. Q deserved better than him. That was all he could think about. His friend deserved better.

“El?”, Q asked.

He was blissfully unaware that he wasn’t talking to his friend. He was talking to a different boy now.

“El, say something.”

“I have to go home.”, before!Eliot was trapped somewhere in the back of after!Eliot’s mind screaming at him to stop.

To stay.

_ “That’s not me and that’s definitely not you.” _

The words were his but not. They were like these weird flashes of memories he’d had in the past but this time they didn’t fade.

This time, they stayed. And they hurt.

Eliot walked through the dark and towards his bike. He didn’t turn around, didn’t dare to look at Q again.

He’d hurt him.

He’d hurt himself.

Eliot regretted the word’s he’d said but he had no idea what he should have done instead. It felt like there was no way, he’d said something else.

Not in any universe.

But why?

Eliot climbed on his bike and drove off. He wondered if Q had come after him. He wouldn't know.

It was cold but the cold was helping him to focus, to clear his head. Maybe before!Eliot would come back to him eventually. Eliot swallowed and took a sharp turn left. He'd need a little while until he was back at the farm.

_ That's not me and that's definitely not you. _

The words rang inside of Eliot's head again and again. They sounded familiar and strange at the same time. While he thought about it, he could taste Peaches or Plums on his tongue 

He'd hurt Q. He'd hurt a friend once again. Just like he'd hurt Taylor.

No. Eliot swallowed. He'd only hurt Q to prevent him from any future harm. Because if he told Q that he liked him back, they'd start a relationship and then Eliot would hurt him eventually. Now their friendship stood a chance.

It was fucked up and hurt but their friendship did have a fucking chance.

The next morning, Eliot felt like shit. He was tired and for a moment he didn't know why. then he remembered. How he'd hurt Q and how he'd spent the whole night awake because of that.

Fuck.

He'd see Q later during the show. 

Fuck.

Eliot ran a hand down his face and looked at his legs. He could do it. Face Quentin and manage to save what they had.

It was easy. Just say that you like girls.

_ I'm  _ **_not_ ** _ gay. _

Easy.

_ What are you doing? _

The voice was clear and blurred at the same time. Strange and familiar at once. 

_ Someone good and true loves you. _

Eliot swallowed as the voice rang inside of his head. The voice was right. Of course, it was right. What was he doing?

Q deserved the truth. He deserved to know who Eliot was.

Eliot wasn’t sure if he’d be ready to be anything more than a friend to Q but months ago, he hadn’t even been sure if he’d be ready to be Q’s friend. It had worked out alright so far.

~~~~

When Eliot arrived at school, he was nervous and scared. Would Q hate him now? Probably.

To his surprise, he wasn’t greeted by Q or Maise, or even Vince at the entrance. Julia was waiting for him and she looked pissed and this was putting it mildly.

Shit.

“Hey.”, El started carefully. It was obvious that Q had told her what happened last night.It was entirely understandable and Eliot could have expected it. Somehow, Julia looked twice her usual size. Someone of her height shouldn’t be able to look this intimidating, but she did.

Eliot swallowed and walked closer to her even though his instincts were telling him to run.

Once he was close enough, Julia reached out and slapped him in the face. She still hadn’t said a word but there was no need to ask, what this was about.

“This is fair.”, Eliot said, looking down at his feet. When he looked up, Julia’s eyes had narrowed to small slits. She wasn’t just angry, she was furious.

“It is.”

“Julia-”

“What were you thinking!”, she yelled, “Oh, wait, you weren’t thinking!”

“I wasn’t.”, Eliot agreed.

“I told him, that he should try because Maisie made hints and-”

“Maisie told you?!”, for a moment the feeling of anger was stronger than the shame Eliot felt for what he did to Q. It was like a primal, hot relief. Julia had convinced Q to be honest with him and Eliot had taken his friend’s heart and smashed it. He might not have destroyed more than their friendship. He’d harmed Q’s friendship with Julia too. The only other meaningful friendship, Quentin had.

Julia crossed her arms, “That’s not what this is about.”

She was right.

Eliot would still have a nice little talk with Maisie about outing other people but deep down, he knew that she’d mostly meant well.

“Right.”

“What was this about?!”, she asked, her voice breaking, “Do you know how you destroyed him?! He was sobbing the whole night. Fuck, he’s-”

“I didn’t mean to-”, Eliot shook his head, “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“Well, you did!”

“No shit.”

Julia sighed and kicked at a pebble. It flew across the whole yard and then bounced against a tree, “Why?”

“I’ve hurt so many people.”,Eliot said, “I’ve hurt them. And I didn’t want Q to be one of them.”

“And by trying not to hurt him, you did exactly that.”, Julia whispered.

“I know.”

“Do you really like him?”, Julia asked after a moment. She’d somewhat calmed down.

“Yeah.”

Julia nodded and reached out to place her hand on top of Eliot’s, “It’s no surprise. I think I knew that you two liked each other from the moment I first saw you together.”

Eliot smiled and shook his head, “Do you think, he still likes me?”

“Then he’d be an idiot.”, she laughed quietly, “But it’s Q we’re talking about and he can be an idiot, so it’s entirely possible.”

“I planned on telling him the truth.”, Eliot replied, “Before you talked yelled at me. Just so you know.”

“That’s good. Otherwise, I’d yell more at me. And neither of that wants that.”

“I bet it was fun.”

She smiled, “A little.”

“Where is he?”, Eliot asked looking towards the school building,

“Taking a nap.”

"Taking a nap?", Eliot asked, raising a brow.

"Because he rarely slept tonight. As I said."

Eliot swallowed and nodded, "Right. Because of me. Because I hurt him."

"Exactly.", Julia said.

"Where is he taking his nap?"

Julia sighed, "In the dressing room. Just go there, okay?"

"Is anyone else there yet?", Eliot looked at the parking lot. There wasn't a single car yet.

"Vince. But he is sitting somewhere outside. I'll try to keep the others away."

"Thanks."

Julia nodded, "Just be warned. He might be mad at you."

"Rightfully so.", Eliot walked up towards the school and then paused, "I think Maisie will be the next one to arrive. You can be honest with her."

"Good."

The dressing room was closed when dliot arrived. He swallowed and knocked at the door, "Q. It's me. I wanted to warn you, I'm coming in."

Eliot opened the door. Q was just getting up, rubbing his eyes. He had laid down on a bunch of costumes. It didn't look too comfortable but Q looked truly tired.

"Hey.", Eliot said tightly.

"What are you doing here?"

"I, uhm, am on the show."Eliot tried humor and immediately felt awkward for it.

"Funny."

"Q. I'm sorry."

Q raised a brow. Eliot was sure that he wanted him to elaborate but Eliot needed a moment to sort his thoughts. He wanted to apologize right. He needed to apologize right. Some half assed 'I'm sorry' wouldn't be enough.

Eliot sighed and rubbed his eyes, he was tired and sad and confused. It all felt like too much but he had no choice. He wanted to make this right and he needed to make this right.

“Can you give me a moment, so that I don’t phrase anything like a complete idiot. I want to say it the way, I mean it.”

Q shrugged as an answer.

“I’m sorry, I ran away.”, Eliot started, “I didn’t mean- I was scared. So scared and when I’m scared, I run away.”

“You were scared because I like you?”

“Yes.”, Eliot sighed, “No. I was- I am scared but not because you like me, or because you are a boy who likes me, it’s not- I’m gay.”

And just like that it was out. It felt as if the words were flying in the air in front of Eliot. As if he could reach out and take them back, even though Eliot knew that he couldn’t.

“Okay.”, Q said and it was almost soft. Almost.

Eliot shook his head, “I guess, I was scared of telling you before- but I can’t have anyone know, okay? If my family finds out, I’m in deep shit.”

“I wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“I know.”, Eliot said and then shook his head, “But this isn’t about me being gay. It’s about what you said.”

Q just nodded.

Eliot took a deep breath, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I think it was just- I like you too, okay?”

Q looked at him, eyes widened in surprise.

For a moment, Eliot just stared back at him, then he continued, “But I was- If I told you- Where would that have led?”

“To us dating.”

Eliot swallowed at the thought. It was exactly what he yearned for, “Yeah, uhm, I was thinking the same and that’s the problem.”

“You were scared of risking our friendship?”

Eliot sighed, “Yes. And no.”

“What then?”

“I was scared of hurting you. I hurt a lot of people. Most of the time, I don’t mean it.”, Eliot whispered, “But if we were dating, I’d have to hide it. We’d have to hide it and I didn’t want to put that on you. All that stress and pressure. You have so much shit to handle already.”

“You’d have been worth it.”, Q said and it sounded so sincere.

Eliot swallowed, “That’s, uhm, your bad judgement.”

Both of them laughed and the tension between them was slowly fading away.

“I have pretty good judgement. At least when it comes to people. I guess.”, Q said and looked down at his feet.

“I’m sorry, Q. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be braver for you.”

“I just wished that you could just- just see that you are more than you think. Braver, smarter, stronger.”

Eliot shook his head, “There’s something else, I want to confess to you.”

“What would that be?”

“I think I can do magic.”

Q laughed, “What?”

“Don’t laugh.”

“You aren’t giving me a choice.”, Q smiled, “You said, you can do magic.”

Eliot sighed, “I could- I lifted things with my mind. I don’t know- It was the reason for the nosebleed.”

“You are being serious?”, Q asked, raising a brow, “Can you, can you show me?”

Eliot frowned, “I don’t know. I’m scared I’ll pass out or hurt you. Maybe another time. When we are not having a serious conversation and are an hour away from a show?”

“Sounds like a good idea.”, Quentin smirked and then looked at his hand, placing it next to him, “But I chose not to believe you until I see it with my own two eyes.”

“Deal.”, Eliot said.

Quentin nodded and looked at Eliot with a confused expression on his face. Eliot had no idea what he wanted to hear.

“Do you think tonight will go well?”, Eliot asked just to say something.

“The show?”

Eliot nodded, “Yeah.”

“Why shouldn’t it?”, Q groaned and tilted his head with a soft smile playing around his lips, “Are you nervous again?”

“A little.”

Q nodded, “Me too.”

“Did you get any feedback from someone who was there last night?”, Eliot asked.

“Everyone I talked to liked it.”

Eliot nodded and then looked Q in the eyes. Or to be more precise, he looked at Q's eyes. He wasn't really meeting Eliot's gaze and Eliot didn't mind that too much. It was easier that way to form coherent sentences, "Did you write Rupert to be gay?"

He saw Q's face scrunch up into something as if Eliot had said the most bizzare thing ever but then he just shrugged, "I wanted to write him however people wanted to read him. I'd be doing the same thing for Martin and Jane if they had any love interests."

"Lesbian Jane Chatwin. I like it."

Q smiled, "Yeah. I also put some allegories for being trans in there but they're hard to pick up, I guess."

"Are you-"

"No.", Q shook his head and took off his glasses to clean them with the sleeve of his shirt.

"I like that too.", Eliot paused, "The allegories I mean. I haven't noticed them but maybe, I'll read the whole thing again and see if I find them."

"Or you notice it tonight."

"Right. But I don't know if I can focus enough.", Eliot smiled, "Maybe I'll have an aha moment on stage."

"Like the band?"

"No you idiot, like-", Eliot grinned, "You know what I meant."

Q sighed, "I feel like I always know what you mean."

"Good.", he smiled, "You'd be a first. And that includes myself."

"We fit well together."

Eliot was taken aback by that sentence but nodded, "Yeah."

"Then we agree."

“Good.”

“What now?”, Quentin asked silently.

Eliot reached out and placed his hand on top of Q’s. It was just a brush of their fingers. Warm skin against warm skin. 

“Can you give me a chance? To be brave.”

Q swallowed, “I think, you know the answer.”

“Yes, Eliot. You are the best and I will give you two hundred dollar.”, Eliot chuckled.

“Two hundred?”

“I felt like five hundred would be asking too much.”, Eliot said dryly.

Q smiled and it was somehow the fondest thing Eliot had ever seen and that was saying a lot talking about Quentin.

Eliot swallowed, “Seriously though. Thanks for giving me a chance.”

Q raised a brow and turned to look at Eliot, “What- What do you mean by a second chance.”

Eliot could have sworn that Quentin’s eyes wandered towards his lips for a second but it lasted too short and Eliot was too excited to be certain about it.

“What do you want it to mean?”

Quentin’s lips curved to a smile, “I don’t know. You wanted to be brave. Be brave if you insist.”

Eliot swallowed. Yes, this was the time to be brave and finally do something. And at this moment, Eliot knew exactly what he should do.

“I want to stop hurting others and myself because I’m scared.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Eliot nodded and leaned forward. Their lips touched and Eliot was relieved that Q didn’t pull back. Quite the opposite. He leaned in and put a hand on Eliot’s shoulder and Eliot put a hand on Q’s waist.

Eliot felt the kiss. He really felt it. He felt deep down that this was a life changing kiss. And then everything went black.

The world folded in on itself around them. Everything turned green and blue and yellow.


	23. Chapter 23

Eliot opened his eyes and saw the moons of New Fillory. For a moment he felt like a bunch of information had been uploaded into his head all at once. Then the memories faded to nothing within seconds, leaving nothing but a headache.

Eliot groaned and turned around. What had happened again?

He was laying in front of a shrine. 

A shrine.   
He knew what this was. He’d been here before.

To get Q.

Q.

Eliot turned around. A person was laying in the grass, head down. Q. At least the person looked like him. His hair was as short as when Eliot had been the monster. No. Margo had told him not to say it like this. When the monster had been in him.

“Q?”, Eliot whispered. He reached out and pulled back. He was scared that he’d just dissolve as soon, as they touched. What if he just turned back into a memory?

They were alone. Margo, Josh, Fen and Alice weren’t here. Not yet. There was no way, they wouldn’t search for him. So not much time could have passed.

Eliot looked up towards the sky. Has any time passed at all?

Not important. It wasn’t important right now.

“Q?”, he asked again.

Now, Eliot was finally brave enough to reach out for Q.

He didn’t disappear, when they touched. Instead, Q jerked away, scrambling to his feet.

Had Eliot scared him?   
“It’s me.”

Quentin stared at him, eyes wide and blinking, “El?”

“Yeah.”, Eliot smiled and he felt his eyes fill with tears. This was him. Really him, “It’s me. Really me.”

“I know. I saw that you- What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”, Eliot asked. He was scared to move closer. 

“Why are you here?”

“We created this.”, Eliot said.

Q shook his head, “You didn’t create the underworld.”

“The underworld?”, Eliot asked, when it dawned on him, “No, Q- I’m not in the underworld. You are alive.”

“That can't be.”

“It is.”

Q shook his head, “No, no. It’s not possible.”

“We are magicians. I- I did the impossible. I mean, I had help. From the old Gods. No biggie.”

“What?”

Eliot shook his head. He was fighting hard to keep his tears in check and keep up his usual demeanor, "We are both fine."

Q shook his head, "It can't be real- this place-"

"New Fillory."

"What- why?"

"The old one kinda blew up. We created this new one out of a seed, Fen hid in her- Pussy.", Eliot shook his head, "Too many details, I know."

Q blinked at him, "Fillory blew up?"

"We saved the people."

"Oh.", Q said relieved.

"Yeah."

There was an awkward pause, then Q stepped forward, "Your hair is- different."

"Oh, I kinda let it grow. Tried the man bun thing. Because you rocked it."

"I don't like it. Reminds me of the monster.",Q added softly, "I prefer your Brakebills hair."

Eliot swallowed, "Everything for you."

Q stared at him blankly and then there were the voices.

"Eliot!", Fen screamed from somewhere.

"Eliot! You fucking asshole."

Bambi.

"Margo?", Q asked.

Eliot nodded, "Her, Fen, Josh and-", he paused, "Alice."

He had grown closer to her. He really had but Eliot knew that she and Q had started a thing again before they pülled the monster out of his body. Eliot shouldn't be jealous but he was. Eliot had never been able to call Q his boyfriend in this timeline. She had. It was this simple. 

They were different from Eliot and Q.

Q stared at him, “What about Julia and Kady, Penny. Fogg?”

Eliot smiled, “They are all well. As far as I know. I mean unless some major fuck up happened ever since we left earth a few days ago.”

“Giving our track record: Not unlikely.”,Q said dryly. He was a little shaky on his feet.   
“Eliot, you asshole! If you are-”

“I’m here, bambi.”, Eliot yelled towards the direction Margo’s angry voice was coming from. 

“I missed you.”, Quentin said softly.

Eliot nodded, “We missed you too- So, so fucking much.”, he looked aside and blinked away his tears.

“How did you get me back?”

“I don’t- remember, not exactly.”

Quentin shook his head, “Me neither. But I remember happiness I can’t connect to any memories I have.”

Eliot smiled, “Happiness?”

“Yeah.”

“How, uhm, how was it?”

“Was what?”

“The underworld.”, Eliot could see Margo stumble out of the woods behind Q. The others were following her. All of them froze, when they saw Quentin. Eliot knew Margo well enough to see that she was preparing a spell she could aim at Q. She probably didn’t believe that he was real. He’d agree if he didn’t know better.

This was Q.

It couldn’t be anyone but Q. Not because they shared the same voice and looks but because Eliot just knew it.

He stepped a little closer towards Q and yelled, “It’s him!”

“Are you sure?”, Eliot could tell that Margo’s voice was shaking. Fen and Josh were standing frozen and Alice was on her knees sobbing.

Somehow Eliot was jealous of her reaction being this emotional.

“Q?”, Margo asked. Her voice broke.

“Hey.”

“You dickhole!”, she yelled and then she was running at them, jumping to hug Quentin. It lasted long enough for Eliot to hate himself for not being the first person to hug Q. When they pulled apart Margo cradled his face and swallowed, “It’s really you.”

“Yeah.”

“How?”, she whispered.

“I don’t know.”

Margo swallowed and nodded, whiping tears away from her eyes, then she turned and looked at Eliot, “You scared me with that damn fucking letter, you-”, she was obviously searching for a colorful swearword, “Fucking assclown.”

Eliot snorted and then he hugged her. Next to him Alice arrived, hugging Q. They spoke but Eliot couldn’t hear the words. Somehow he’d missed Margo a lot. It had been mere hours since he’d seen her but it felt like ages.

He heard a kissing sound coming from his right, where Alice and Q were hugging. He had no idea who kissed who on what. Eliot swallowed and kissed Margo on the forehead.

“You shouldn’t have done this alone.”, she whispered and tightened her tiny but strong arms around him.

“I don’t even know what I did but I think that doing it alone had been the only option, bambi.”

She shook her head, “I call male ego bullshit.”

“Maybe.”, Eliot agreed.

“Not maybe. Certainly.”

Eliot shook his head and slowly pulled away, “I did it.”

“You did it.”, she ran a hand down his face and smiled, “You got your man.”

“He isn’t my-”, Eliot swallowed, staring at Q and Alice.

“I love Alice, I love Q but they are toxic once you put them into a romantic relationship.”

Eliot agreed but he felt like an asshole for doing so, so he said nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After about an hour of catching up with the others and trying to figure out what had happened, the six of them settled for taking it as what it was. A miracle. So instead of questioning, they sat down in front of the fire by the coast.

“So, this is all you?”, Q asked, gesturing around.

“Yeah.”

Fen nodded proudly, “The knives are mine.”

Q smiled, “I thought so.”

Margo gave Fen a slight nudge and then smirked, “She’s very proud of them.”

“They are perfect obviously.”

“Obviously.”, Josh said dryly.

“You’d know if you knew anything about knives.”

Josh sighed, “Fine.”

Fen smirked, very pleased with herself at that exact moment. She was adorable. Sometimes she reminded Eliot of a female Quentin. Less depressed but just as cute and dorky. If he was into girls he'd probably be into her.

"Eliot?", Alice asked all of the sudden from where she was sitting next to Q, "Can we talk?"

Eliit raised a brow. There was no way this wasn't about Q.

"Okay?"

"Good.", Alice got up to her feet and they walked over towards the treeline. Eliot could feel the tension filling him up.

He was so scared. So nervous. He was reminded of their talk on top of that damn mountain.

"What is it?"

"I-"

'This is about Q.", Eliot said, just because he felt like he needed to."

"Yeah."

"What do you want?", Eliot asked. Their relationship had improved so much this year. He had no idea why he was immediately feeling hostile now.

Alice smiled weakly, "You don't have to worry. Q and I- we aren't-"

"Oh."

"I should have known from the moment that I saw you in bed with him- that- that you belong together."

"Alice."

"No. He'd never cheat on you. In no world."

Eliot laughed weakly, "Maybe there was a timeline, where that happened."

Alice smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. She looked sad, “I don’t believe that. He- you and he are different.”

Eliot swallowed, “So, uhm, what- What is this gonna be?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you giving us your blessing?”   
She shrugged and looked at her feet, “Yes. But I also meant to inform you that I broke up with him. At the shrine.”

“You dumped him after he returned from the underworld.”

“You make it sound mean.”, Alice chuckled dryly.

“I think it’s hard not to-”, Eliot wrung his hands,shoving the ring up and down on his fingers with a smile, “How- how did he take it?”

“Okay. I guess, he was- He was relieved. I mean neither of us knew if we were still dating. We didn’t call it that before the seam. And there’s no real rules what happens when your boyfriend comes back from the underworld.”

“I guess, it’s quite a specific problem.”

She nodded.

“He loves you.”

“He loves you more.”, Alice whispered, “And I hate that it took me this long to realise it.”

“Will you be okay?”

Alice nodded, adjusting her glasses. It reminded Eliot of something but he had no idea what it was, “I’ve had enough of relationships for now. Enough of guys.”

Eliot laughed, “They are the worst, aren’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I hug you?”, Eliot asked, walking up to her.

“Please.”

Eliot closed the little distance that was still between them and pulled Alice into a tight embrace, “You are a good hugger.”, Alice whispered her head was buried against Eliot’s chest.

“Thanks. So are you.”

Alice snorted and pulled back, “Thank you for the talk.”

Eliot just nodded, he looked over to where the others were sitting. They were laughing about something. Q looked natural alongside the others.

He had never been the most social person but he looked happy. So far it seemed like there were no side effects to what had happened.

“Are you okay?”, Alice asked after a moment.

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what I mean?”, Alice raised a brow, “Why I asked?”

Eliot shook his head.

“Did you give anything in exchange for Q? I don’t know it feels weird that he could just be back without you- paying for it.”

“I’m fine.”

“Is your shade okay?”

Eliot sighed, “Did you see me cry back there? Did that look shadeless to you? Do I look shadeless to you?”

“No.”, she said with the voice she always used when she was thinking, “But there might be a piece that’s missing.”

Eliot frowned. He checked all of his emotion, as if he was ticking off a list. Sadness: still there. Anger: still there. Fear: still there. Disgust: still there. Joy: still there.

“I don’t think anything’s missing.”

Alice nodded, “Okay. If you feel funny or remember anything-”

“I’ll tell you.”

“Yeah.”, Alice sighed, “We should try to find a way to contact Penny and Julia. Julia might have answers to what happened. And she deserves to know.”

“So does Kady.”

“Yeah.”

Eliot frowned, “I’m not sure about Penny 23 though.”

Alice chuckled softly, “Do you want to explain to Q that he is an uncle?”

Eliot stilled. Right. Q didn’t know about H.Q. yet. 

“Someone should. He’s good with kids.”

Alice looked at Eliot a little confused but then she seemed to connect the pieces and nodded, looking aside. Eliot wondered if it was jealous he’d see in her eyes right now.

“I bet, he is.”

“I’ll tell him.”

“Good.”, she nodded, “I- I need space.”

“I won’t make any moves for now.”, Eliot said, looking at her even though she wasn’t looking back.

“You don’t have-”

“No. I want to let things be for a bit. For you and for Q’s sake.”

She swallowed, “Thanks. We should head back.”

“You think, they are waiting?”

~~~

The whole night was spent with happy chatter. The group tried its best to help Q catch up. They told him, who hooked up with who and quentin lost his shit when he found out about Rupert.

Eliot had decided not to confess that they almost banged. He wondered what reaction he would have gotten through. Disgust that Eliot almost fucked the dark king. Jealousy because Eliot had almost fucked one of q's childhood idols? Jealousy because one of Q's childhood idols had almost fucked El?

Maybe Eliot would tell Q one day. Just out of curiosity.

He hadn't told him about H.Q. either.

Hope Quentin Wicker  Adiyodi.

Quite a mouthful but eliot adored that little dumpling.

He swallowed and suddenly he smelt peaches in the air.

He missed Fillory. The old, original version.

It was impossible to recreate although they'd done their best.

Eliot looked at Q while the others discussed something that was vaguely related to politics, so Eliot had zoned out.

"Hey."

"Hey.", Q said back.

"They are such nerds."

"You said that about me once."

Eliot grinned, "Still do."

"I know."

"Are you okay,mc

“Everyone keeps asking me that.", Q mumbled.

"And. Are you?"

Quentin shook his head, “It was nice down there.”, he looked down and sighed, “Before you start to worry. This isn’t some suicidal talk.”

“Good.”

“It was just- I don’t think, I should remember that.”

Eliot shrugged, “I don’t- I don’t know. I mean the Old Gods probably know what they are doing. Or what they did.”

“As opposed to you.”

“As opposed to me.”, Eliot smirked.

Quentin swallowed and looked at the others. Fen and Margo were holding hands. Eliot realised how little Q knew his wife. He wondered if they’d get along. He wondered if they should formally divorce eventually.

Eliot would have never considered being a married man but he liked it.

And he’d been married twice. Technically. So there was that.

“Can we take a walk?”, Q asked quietly.

“Sure.”

They got up from where they were sitting. Margo smiled at Eliot like the little shit she was and Eliot tried his best not to blush because of that.

She knew.

Of course she did.

Margo knew everything there was to know. And about Eliot she knew more than everything there was to know. Eliot had accepted years ago, that she knew him better than he knew himself.

A lot better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a while, Eliot and Q walked in silence side by side. Eliot had no idea what to say. He was sure Q did but he wasn’t sure what to say.

“Alice broke up with me.”

Eliot felt excited at that and swallowed that feeling down. Q wasn’t in a good place mentally. That much was obvious.

He shouldn’t be this happy because Alice had dumped her.

“I know.”

Q raised a brow, “She told you.”

Eliot shouldn’t have told her but he had no intention of lying to Q. Or keeping things from him, “Yeah.”

“Did she give her blessing to us.”, he paused, “You and me.”

“Not directly.”

Q inhaled sharply.

“Julia and Penny have a daughter.”, Eliot had no idea why he’d said that. It was cruel. Q was already overwhelmed by all of this. He shouldn’t dump this on him. It felt like some sort of self defense though. It gave Eliot a position of power and a way to escape from whatever conversation was ahead of him. 

Eliot had hoped that he’d changed exactly that by now.

“What?”

Eliot swallowed, “I should have told you now, I’m- Penny knocked her up and-”

“What?”

“You know when two hetero, or bi, or pan, or- When two people of opposite genders really like each other-”

“I’m familiar with the concept.”

“More than me.”, Eliot said although it wasn’t a hundred percent true. He turned around to look at Fen.

“Julia and Penny.”, Q shook his head.

“I mean, it was already there before-”

“Yeah.”, Q nodded, “Just- A daughter?”

“H.Q.”, Eliot smiled fondly, “She is every bit as Julia except for being a traveller which is honestly the best possible outcome.”

Q laughed, “I miss 40 but- Wait. H.Q?”

“Hope Quentin.”

Q’s face was a true spectacle of emotions. Happiness. Pride. Then confusion, “They named a girl Quentin?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean it’s super cute but I don’t know if she’ll have an easy time at school.”, he frowned, “Which is probably why it’s her second name.”

“True.”

Quentin shook his head, “I can’t believe it.”

“Julia wouldn’t let herself be talked out of the decision.”

“I can imagine. We need to let her know that I’m back.”

“We will. Once we get the Fillorians out of the globe, we’ll get bunnies and then we can send them.”

"Good."

Eliot smiled, "And once they figured out how to get here, they'll introduce you to little H.Q. I'm sure."

Quentin nodded, "I hope so. There's something, I really want to say."

"Oh.", Eliot said lamely because he had an idea what it was. That Q didn't want a relationship at the moment and even if he did, he wouldn’t want it with El, because he had hurt him too much.

And Q had every right to feel that way.

"I don't- I finally want to listen to my inner voice. I want to be with you. I know, I asked you that before but I know that you were wrong. The mosaic. It was us. It was me and I know it was you."

Eliot swallowed. He knew. Q knew and he knew that q had always known that. It had been part of what had scared him.

"It's-"

"Please."

Eliot shook his head, "No relationship should start because one of the two begged for it."

"I'm not begging for you to be with me. I'm begging for you to stop torturing yourself."

Eliot did. "Fair enough."

"So?", Q asked, his eyes not quite meeting Eliot's. He was scared. One of the things Eliot had realised during the course of the day was that Q had not really changed because of what had happened. Not more than after the quest for the keys. Eliot loved him for that. Deep down he was still a nerd.

"Yes."

"Yes, uhm, what?"

“Yes, we should try.”, Eliot said and immediately felt his knees go weak. But despite his body acting like this, he knew that being with Q was the right decision.

Quentin looked up at him with wide eyes. He hadn’t expected this answer and that alone hurt Eliot a lot.

“Oh.”

“I know, I-”, Eliot shook his head and looked down at his hands, “Listen, I uhm, I should have said yes back then.”

“I know.”, Q said and shook his head, “You broke my heart.”

“I know.”

Q shook his head, “I just feel like-I shouldn’t be mad at you right now. After we- after we’ve just gotten together?”

Eliot swallowed because it was true. They were dating? They were a couple? Eliot wondered what would take longer to sink in.

Q being alive or him and Q being a couple?

“That wouldn’t be a good start.”, Eliot nodded and tried to hide his own security behind a laugh.

He nodded, “Sure. A terrible start.”

Carefully, Eliot reached out to grab Quentin’s hand, “So, want me to show you some places around here?”

“I thought you guys have no idea what this place looks like?”

“Let me show my newly revived boyfriend around, okay?”, Eliot smiled, “Let me have this illusion.”

“Fine.”, Q smiled and squeezed Eliot’s hand, “So show my around my wise guide.”

Eliot grinned and just walked into a random direction, “Okay, here we have- a tree.”

Q chuckled, it was the same light laugh, Eliot had craved at Brakebills. He’d been addicted to it.

Then Mike had happened and everything had been thrown off balance until Eliot had tasted the Opium drenched air of Fillory.

“Oh, and what is so special about this tree.?”, Q asked, faking an interested tourist voice.

“It’s very- beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Now that you’ve mentioned it.”

Eliot pulled him along further. He hadn’t walked this way before. It led a little away from the sea.

“How far does it go?”

“New Fillory?”, Eliot asked.

“Yeah.”

Eliot shook his head, “I have no idea. I just- We’ll probably set out to explore. Maybe along with the Fillorians. I don’t know.”

“I’m just wondering. I wonder if it’s bigger than the original Fillory. If it has the same climate zones. I don’t know. It’s- it could be anything.”

“Yeah.”, Eliot nodded, “I want to stay. Fillory was my home and I intend to make this my new home.”

Q nodded, “Okay.”

“What about you? Surprisingly, you haven’t spent this much time in Fillory. I’d understand if you wanted to go back to earth. Julia’s there.”

“I want to stay.”, Q said and it sounded fully convinced, “You are here, Alice, Margo. And besides, maybe Julia will move here too? I don’t know.”

“I think raising H.Q. on earth would be better.”, Eliot put a finger to his lips and sat down on a fallen tree, “But what do I know.”

“It’s their decision.”, Q sat down next to him. It was dark but the moonlight was illuminating the forest. Here and there were flowers with glowing blossoms. Eliot would never get used to how handsome magic could be. How handsome magical worlds could be.

“Yeah.”

Q looked at Eliot and smiled weakly, “This is actually- romantic.”

“Very much so.”, Eliot whispered, trying to keep his eyes from wandering towards Q’s lips. 

“You can kiss me, you know?”

“What?”

“You were just thinking about it.”, Q smiled.

Eliot nodded, “I was.”

“Then go ahead.”

Eliot swallowed and leaned forward. He pressed their lips together, before he slowly opened up his mouth. Q’s tongue slipped inside of Eliot’s mouth, while his fingers played with Eliot’s hair. Eliot wanted to take this kiss and freeze it in time. He wanted to frame it and put it up in a museum. He wanted to put it somewhere, where he could return to relive it anytime he wanted it. He wanted to keep this feeling. The knowledge of Q being alive and here with him. But then he realised it. He didn’t need to safe it. They could repeat this every time they wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it :)  
> Thanks for sticking with the story and thanks for all the nice comments <3
> 
> Maybe I'll write a little Sequel one day, but I want to wait for my mental health to get a little better and for exams to be done for this semester.


End file.
